my reality

déjà vu.

2012-01-03T14:37:00.003Z

'pra que chorar
se o sol já vai raiar
se o dia vai amanhecer
pra que sofrer
se a lua vai nascer
é só o sol se pôr
pra que chorar
se existe amor
a questão é só de dar
a questão é só de dor

quem não chorou
quem não se lastimou
não pode nunca mais dizer
pra que chorar
pra que sofrer
se há sempre um novo amor
em cada novo amanhecer.'

- pra que chorar, vinicius de moraes

what doesn't kill you makes you fat.

2011-11-03T12:26:00.003Z

i just stumbled upon something i wrote when i was on the way back from malaysia in january, and thought it quite relevant to post now:

i wonder if it's better to be realistic or idealistic. on the one hand, realism keeps expectations in check, it means you're less likely to be disappointed. but on the other hand, idealism enables you to dream and to believe that dreams do come true.

there's more to lose by being idealistic - or isn't there? you 'lose' more simply because you hope for more, but if you don't imagine the seemingly impossible, isn't that 'losing' too? because there's a lot less of a chance that you may one day realise the seemingly impossible? but maybe that's what it is - maybe you don't feel like you lose as much simply because you don't know that you're missing out. a case of ignorance being bliss.

but once you've experienced the ideal - the dream, the seemingly impossible that you had stopped yourself from desiring, it's hard to go back. you begin to worry that if you start being realistic, you'll destroy the magic. maybe if you continue being idealistic, the dream will continue, because now you would be working with destiny instead of telling destiny what it can and cannot do.

but then what happens if the ideal is not meant to last? if the dream is really more a daydream, and you're meant to enjoy it for a while and then go back to reality? what if going back to being realistic is the way to keep the ideal going?

is it possible to be realistic and idealistic, at the same time?

I

The Owl and the Pussy-cat went to sea
In a beautiful pea green boat,
They took some honey, and plenty of money,
Wrapped up in a five pound note.
The Owl looked up to the stars above,
And sang to a small guitar,
'O lovely Pussy! O Pussy my love,
What a beautiful Pussy you are,
You are,
You are!
What a beautiful Pussy you are!'

II

Pussy said to the Owl, 'You elegant fowl!
How charmingly sweet you sing!
O let us be married! too long we have tarried:
But what shall we do for a ring?'
They sailed away, for a year and a day,
To the land where the Bong-tree grows
And there in a wood a Piggy-wig stood
With a ring at the end of his nose,
His nose,
His nose,
With a ring at the end of his nose.

III

'Dear pig, are you willing to sell for one shilling
Your ring?' Said the Piggy, 'I will.'
So they took it away, and were married next day
By the Turkey who lives on the hill.
They dined on mince, and slices of quince,
Which they ate with a runcible spoon;
And hand in hand, on the edge of the sand,
They danced by the light of the moon,
The moon,
The moon,
They danced by the light of the moon.

- the owl and the pussycat, edward lear.

sucking too hard on your lollipop.

2011-08-19T05:01:00.003+01:00

they say to reach for the moon because even if you miss, you'll land among the stars.
i guess stars are cool, but what if you really had your heart set on the moon?

"and suppose i never ever met you
suppose we never fell in love
suppose i never ever let you
kiss me so sweet and so soft

suppose i never ever saw you
suppose we never ever called
suppose i kept on singing love songs
just to break my own fall."

- fidelity, regina spektor.

midsummer night's dream.

2011-08-13T06:23:00.002+01:00

"tô louca pra te ver chegar
tô louca pra te ter nas mãos
deitar no teu abraço, retomar o pedaço
que falta no meu coração

eu não existo longe de você
e a solidão é o meu pior castigo
eu conto as horas pra poder te ver
mas o relógio tá de mal comigo
porquê?

porquê?"

- fico assim sem você, adriana calconhotto.

grab somebody sexy tell 'em hey.

2011-08-11T03:09:00.002+01:00

LA has been a lesson in joint attention, MLUs, and engagement;
a revision of independence, self-sufficiency and ambition;
and a reminder of friendship, hospitality and generosity.

i might even go so far as saying it was worth the nightmare that was the journey from LHR to LAX. =)

there is no cake.

2011-08-06T03:46:00.004+01:00

it's weird to be back in the states. i keep experiencing flashes of familiarity, of memories that had been tucked away somewhere in my mind. the brands sold in grocery stores, the restaurants available, the american dollars and quarters, the tv shows and ads, mass... it's strange, i think, because the us never really became home for me and yet this is where i spent almost two years of my life, so i'm surprised when things are recognizable, and surprised when things appear foreign.

it doesn't help that i came over here alone, leaving loved ones behind, just like i did almost four years ago... but this time i'm just here for a few weeks, and i'm meeting up with people from such different stages of my life - an old friend from secondary school, an old friend from the university of oregon, and my family. it's a confusing mix of same and different.

more than anything, it's the emotional flashbacks that i wasn't quite expecting. i now remember how much i turned inwards while i was here, how much self-reflection i did. i remember how independent and self-sufficient i was almost forced to become. but at the same time, being here has reminded me that it wasn't all bad, and that this part of me is still there if i ever need it.

i now see how i've had a lot of strong wind, earthquake, fire and walking on water since i've left the states, and while i was here there was a lot more of the quiet whispering.

on a separate note, people here say i speak with a british accent, but people in the uk say i sound american. last week someone asked me how they say 'lunch' in the uk.

por isso, meu amor.

2011-03-12T00:23:00.002Z

nao tenha medo de sofrer
que todos os caminhos me encaminham pra voce.

it is better to have loved and lost, than to live with a psycho for the rest of your life.

2011-03-07T21:42:00.002Z

"you were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
you shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days.
ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
but let there be spaces in your togetherness,
and let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

love one another, but make not a bond of love:
let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
sing and dance together and be joyous,
but let each one of you be alone,
even as the strings of a lute are alone
though they quiver with the same music.

give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
for only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
and stand together yet not too near together:
for the pillars of the temple stand apart,
and the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow."

- the prophet, on marriage; khalil gibran.

september.

2011-01-14T21:12:00.003Z

today, i learnt that it is easier to not know what to expect but to hope something good will happen,

than to not know what to expect but to hope that what you want will happen.

carrot.

2011-01-11T15:12:00.003Z

"if it's love
and we decide that it's forever
no one else could do it better

if it's love
and we're two birds of a feather
then the rest is just whenever

and if i'm addicted to loving you
and you're addicted to my love too
we can be them two birds of a feather
that flock together

love, love
got to have something to keep us together
love, love
that's enough for me."

- if it's love, train.

relativity.

2011-01-07T07:30:00.003Z

never before has a period of time seemed to me both so short and so painfully long at the same time.

it must happen with you.

2011-01-01T02:55:00.004Z

2010 was the best year of my life thus far. bring on 2011!

"i've had the time of my life
no, i've never felt this way before
and i swear, this is true
and i owe it all to you...

... dirty bit."

- the time (dirty bit), black eyed peas.

chega de saudade.

2010-12-17T11:59:00.004Z

i think i've forgotten how to be excited for christmas. after spending it away from home and family for three years, and spending those three christmases mostly alone, i think i've learnt to associate it with nostalgia and a tinge of sadness.

it doesn't help that the days get ridiculously short (by my standards anyway) and that it gets uncomfortably cold in december. especially because i seem to be powered by sunshine and (relative) warmth.

this past week has reminded me of how i've spent the last three decembers, and i don't like it. it's the loneliness. watching multiple shows online every day (i'm now up to date on the apprentice, the big bang theory, how i met your mother, desperate housewives, and glee). sleeping, and always trying to sleep more because it fills time. eating alone. deciding whether it's worth taking a shower or not. you get the idea.

but every once in a while, when i look out the window at snowy rooftops, or cycle up king's parade (when it's not windy, raining or snowing), or overhear a tour guide, or have a productive day at work, or remember the places i've been and the things i've seen, or think of the people i have in my life... i'm filled with an immense sense of gratitude for being where i am today. and i feel like such a brat for complaining!

so. homeward-bound tomorrow. i'm very glad to be going home to spend christmas with the pushparatnams and leows once again. and i'm looking forward to spending time with the gang. and i'm extremely happy about getting away from the cold and coats, and going back to 12 hours of sunlight a day and shorts! and char siew and nasi lemak and chee cheong fan and...

but. at the same time, i know this christmas is going to be associated with nostalgia and a tinge of sadness as well. and you know, in a twisted way, i'm actually grateful for that as well - because i know why those feelings will be there, and i think it's a reason to be thankful for.

two thousand words.

2010-12-11T20:00:00.003Z

love, amsterdam, 13 november 2010.

christmas market, prague, 6 december 2010.

apakah "hak" sebenarnya?

2010-11-30T09:14:00.002Z

negaraku.

2010-11-10T17:07:00.003Z

the more i read about post-colonial malaysian history, outside of our history textbooks and the malaysian media, the more i understand why we are where we are today, and the more i doubt we will ever get out of this vicious cycle.

i think the malaysians of my generation in particular, of all races and religions, have been done a great injustice, and malaysians, again of all races and religions, will inevitably face the consequences. i know i sound pessimistic and cynical when i say this, but i can't help but feel like this is probably as close to 1malaysia as we will get.

25 years.

2010-11-09T11:46:00.003Z

"do you love me?

do i what?

do you love me?

do i love you?
with our daughters getting married
and this trouble in the town
you're upset, you're worn out
go inside, go lie down!
maybe it's indigestion..

golde, i'm asking you a question... do you love me?

you're a fool!

i know... but do you love me?

do i love you?
for twenty-five years i've washed your clothes
cooked your meals, cleaned your house
given you children, milked the cow
after twenty-five years, why talk about love right now?

golde, the first time i met you
was on our wedding day
i was scared

i was shy

i was nervous

so was i

but my father and my mother
said we'd learn to love each other
and now i'm asking, golde
do you love me?

i'm your wife!

i know... but do you love me?

do i love him?
for twenty-five years i've lived with him
fought with him, starved with him
twenty-five years, my bed is his
if that's not love, what is?

then you love me?

i suppose i do

and i suppose i love you too

it doesn't change a thing
but even so
after twenty-five years
it's nice to know."

- do you love me?, fiddler on the roof.

cem palavras.

2010-11-05T10:37:00.005Z

last night i dreamt of a kitten that kept trying to bite me and then i realised it was a vampire kitty and it was sucking my blood.

and then i dreamt that i walked into a pool of water and when i walked out my legs were covered in leeches.

and then i dreamt that i was in the middle of a war and i was trying to hide from "them" and "they" found me and were taking me to a concentration camp.

strange in itself, but even stranger that these dreams followed what was a very good day.

"oh i know that the music's fine like sparkling wine
go and have your fun."

- save the last dance for me, the drifters.

on giving.

2010-11-02T14:56:00.001Z

and what is fear of need but need itself?
is not dread of thirst when your well is full, thirst that is unquenchable?

- the prophet, khalil gibran.

hello, world.

2010-10-25T09:27:00.002+01:00

the proud dignity
of the moon in the blue sky,
the sun in its eyes.

this free fall's, got me so.

2010-08-30T16:07:00.002+01:00

i think i'll need another holiday after this one. it's been a lot of fun, i've been productive, and i've also had one or two days of doing absolutely nothing... but somehow i don't feel rested. i'm tired.

all in all, my year at cambridge (bar the last month) felt like more of a holiday than these past three months. there's irony for you.

birds can fly so high and they can shit on your head.

2010-08-26T10:44:00.002+01:00

so i've reached that point again when i go, "right, i'm done with this. what's next?"

there's only so much sitting around i can do.

hit me baby one more time.

2010-08-23T17:55:00.004+01:00

i was in the car with shwe ying when britney spears was played on the radio...
so we did the only thing we could have done: turn it way up and sing along at the top of our lungs. good stuff. =)

"sometimes i run
sometimes i hide
sometimes i'm scared of you
but all i really want is to hold you tight
treat you right
be with you day and night
baby all i need is time."

- sometimes, britney spears.

both of best worlds.

2010-08-22T16:04:00.003+01:00

i think it's interesting how the familiar can become unfamiliar and the unfamiliar can become familiar.
and how sometimes we get tired of the familiar and start to look for the unfamiliar in the familiar.
and how sometimes we try to look for the familiar in the unfamiliar.
and how none of the above is necessarily good or bad.
sometimes the unfamiliar becomes so familiar that you fear it becoming unfamiliar again.
and sometimes the familiar is so familiar that you forget it is familiar.
and you wonder how much unfamiliarity will make you miss familiarity.
and how much familiarity will be needed to balance out the unfamiliarity.
and also, perhaps, how much unfamiliarity is needed to recognise familiarity.

infinity plus one.

2010-08-05T20:03:00.002+01:00

"beribu bintang di langit kini menghilang
meraba aku dalam kelam
rembulan mengambang, kini makin suram
pudar ilhamku tanpa arah

izinkan ku mencuri bayangan wajahmu
izinkan ku mencuri khayalan denganmu

maafkanlah oh, andai lagu ini menganggu ruangan hidupmu
kau senyumlah oh, sekadar memori kita di arena ini

kau ilhamku."

- kau ilhamku, man bai.

serais ce possible alors?

2010-08-02T12:30:00.003+01:00

of the three times i've come home after being away for a year, this time i feel the most different.

"eu sei e você sabe que a distância não existe
que todo grande amor só é bem grande se for triste
por isso, meu amor, não tenha medo de sofrer
que todos os caminhos me encaminham pra você...

assim como viver
sem ter amor não é viver
não há você sem mim
e eu não existo sem você."

- eu não existo sem você, tom jobim e vinicius de moraes.

do you remember?

2010-06-29T16:26:00.003+01:00

a smell.
a song.
a picture.
a word.
a place.
a tree.
a flower.
a video.

how much of you is your past?

mei you yu xia ye hao.

2010-06-28T16:15:00.003+01:00

i'm having another one of those phases where it feels like there is a lot going on inside my head, but when i take a closer look there isn't really all that much.

i think i'm just recovering from the madness that was last month, and getting used to the madness that is india. i'm just too tired for now to enjoy the whole process of discovering a new place, meeting new people, starting new projects etc., especially with the heat, the smells, the foreign language, and the squatting toilets. at least i have mangoes.

and the sense of accomplishment. though for some reason i'm not as happy as i thought i'd be... maybe it hasn't had a chance to sink in yet.

i want to watch the world cup! especially now that they've moved beyond the group stages!

and... i want to go home!

and it's the 28th of june.

and i wish i could go for a walk right now.

and i want to go to the beach.

and i want to walk around in shorts.

but i also wanted to be in india.

two halves make a hole.

2010-06-17T16:38:00.002+01:00

i don't like the feeling of not being all there - of being in one place physically but having the rest of me somewhere else. i remember feeling this way in the states, in a slightly different way; when i was in one point in time physically, but always felt like i was living first in the past and then in the future.

but yeah, i don't like the feeling, because it stops me from fully enjoying where i am and the people i'm with, and doesn't help me get to where i want to be any sooner.

i want to be in india yesterday!

saudade.

2010-06-16T23:12:00.002+01:00

i could complain. i could gripe, moan, rant... wallow.
but i've done enough of that. it doesn't really change things anyway.
for now (at least for the next couple of hours, before the effects of a certain phone call wear off. and the wine.), i shall focus on the positive.

i was reminded today of how lucky i am to have been given this opportunity to study here. here in my university, in my department, with my supervisor. i mean, how often do you get invited to a small dinner party with the heads of your department? more than that, how often do you get invited to a small dinner party with the heads of your department, and get treated as an equal? further, to a small dinner party with the head of department of another university in another country, so you can network and lay the foundations for your research and career?

and then comparing the way i was able to interact with them to someone who has not studied here, i saw, in a way i had not before, just how far i've come. how i was able to see things differently, to look one step ahead, to have my arguments laid out, to have the guts to stick to my opinion even under attack, and to have the courage to admit i don't know something. i mean this in the humblest of ways - it's not a set of skills i came here equipped with, and to be honest, i'm not sure how far outside of this bubble i can apply the same paradigm.

but the point is, i now have a better handle on this system. and this is an important system to have a handle on, because it is a system with many doors and many ladders. doors that i will have to walk up to and open on my own, and ladders that i will have to climb one rung at a time, but doors and ladders nevertheless.

"there's too many things that i haven't done yet
too many sunsets
i haven't seen
you can't waste the day wishing it'd slow down
you would've thought by now
i'd have learned something

i made up my mind when i was a young girl
i've been given this one world
i won't worry it away
but now and again i lose sight of the good life
i get stuck in a low light
but then love comes in

how far do i have to go to get to you
many the miles
many the miles
how far do i have to go to get to you
many the miles
but send me the miles and i'll be happy to
follow you, love."

- many the miles, sara bareilles.

do you have special needs?

2010-06-12T09:48:00.001+01:00

it's nice to have things to be thankful for when there are things you are not so thankful for.

;)

i want cake.

2010-06-11T04:22:00.002+01:00

so i know i've probably gotten a bit too used to everything going well and all being right with the world (or rather, my world)...
but seriously. why oh why oh why.
couldn't it all have been spread out a little bit? why does everything always have to happen at the same time?
i guess this is the time when i'm supposed to look back at that other post and "be reasonable"... but i am being reasonable.
it's everyone else (actually mainly indian high commissions) that's being unreasonable!

indian high commissions, and my dissertation deadline - for clashing with everything else.

f-king delleusional.

2010-05-30T00:04:00.002+01:00

"And such a nature is prone to love and ready to return love, always embracing that which is akin to him. And when one of them meets with his other half, the actual half of himself, whether he be a lover of youth or a lover of another sort, the pair are lost in an amazement of love and friendship and intimacy, and one will not be out of the other's sight, as I may say, even for a moment: these are the people who pass their whole lives together, and yet they could not explain what they desire of one another. For the intense yearning which each of them has towards the other does not appear to be the desire of lover's intercourse, but of something else which the soul of either evidently desires and cannot tell, and of which she has only a dark and doubtful presentiment."

- from aristophane's speech in plato's symposium.

latent variable.

2010-05-28T22:20:00.003+01:00

sometimes you notice things about yourself you don't like, traits that you know are hard to change and you just learn to accept about yourself.

but then, sometimes, you also notice things about yourself that you like.
and when you are going through a process of self-discovery and change, it's strangely comforting to realise that you're essentially still you.

even if you don't know exactly who you are.

"blessed be Your name
in the land that is plentiful
where Your streams of abundance flow
blessed be Your name.

blessed be Your name
when i'm found in the desert place
though i walk through the wilderness
blessed be Your name."

- blessed be Your name, matt redman.

strawberry cheesecake.

2010-05-27T22:00:00.002+01:00

dissertation topic changed again.
i can do this.

"you see, i can be myself now, finally
in fact there's nothing i can't be."

- hey soul sister, train.

perah santan.

2010-05-26T17:18:00.003+01:00

TWO full scholarships to choose from!
and a distinction within reach!

and only a 15,000-word dissertation in my way. which, the way things are going, i'll only have two days to finish writing, because i'll only get my complete dataset two days before it is due.

well okay, i'll have about 9,000 words ready before then (by next wednesday, hopefully!). and ready as in, approved-by-family ready (hopefully!). and then 9,000 words ready by the weekend, as in approved-by-supervisor ready (hopefully!).
so that when i collect the rest of my data by tuesday afternoon (the 8th), i'll be able to have everything coded by tuesday night (hopefully!), spend tuesday night, wednesday day and night writing furiously, have a draft by thursday morning (hopefully!), get it supervisor-approved by thursday evening (hopefully!), get it bound, and hand it in friday at noon (no hopefully - i MUST).

right.
scholarships, distinction, dissertation...
let's go.

they call me superman.

2010-05-17T22:15:00.002+01:00

i walk a little taller,
smile a little brighter,
laugh a little louder,
breathe a little deeper.

shake it like a polaroid picture.

2010-05-16T10:32:00.002+01:00

i've always talked about change as something inevitable, and therefore something we should just accept. but maybe a better way to look at change is as something we need. no matter how well things are going, or rather, especially when things have been going well for a while, ennui tends to set in. feeling comfortable usually means there is nothing making us squirm, nothing challenging us. and sure, we need that too, every once in a while. but then we get tired of routine and habit, start seeking out novelty... and when we get it, gripe about having to readjust. at least i do; i'm masochistic that way.

so. some day in the future, when i'm complaining about the way things are and wishing that i could go back to the way things used to be, i shall look back on this post and... i dunno, "be reasonable".

"somebody once asked,
could i spare some change for gas
i need to get myself away from this place
i said yep, what a concept
i could use a little fuel myself
and we could all use a little change."

- all star, smash mouth.

mozzarella.

2010-05-14T22:44:00.000+01:00

"the trick is to do it right."

but if you try sometimes.

2010-05-11T21:51:00.002+01:00

i've been thinking lately about how easy it is to get greedy. when things have been going well for some time, the slightest mishaps seem unfair. and then when one thing goes wrong i start to pick out everything else that is going wrong at the same time, no matter how trivial and petty.

and then i gripe about it and realise how ridiculous i sound. i can be such a brat at times. but i've been spoilt over the past eight months... it's hard not to get used to it. heh heh.

on a separate note:
sometimes you don't know how much you need something until you lose it;
sometimes you don't know how much you wanted something until you get it.

i've never really experienced the latter, until recently. it's quite an eye-opener.

i've lost my number; can i have yours?

2010-05-10T23:13:00.003+01:00

i have 107 journal articles on autism and theory of mind!
and still only 6 participants.
and about 31 days until my dissertation is due.
10,000 more words to write.
33 days until i leave cambridge for about 3 months.
during which i will be home after having been away for about 10 months.
before which i will be experiencing 45-degree weather.

=O

"when the whole world fits inside of your arms,
do we really need to pay attention to the alarm?"

- banana pancakes, jack johnson.

edit: make that 121 articles! ah, now i feel less like haven't learnt much this year...

i'm a believer.

2010-05-03T00:07:00.000+01:00

"love, then do what you will."
- st augustine of hippo.

stop right now, thank you very much.

2010-05-01T18:45:00.002+01:00

"and i don't pretend to know what you know
now please don't pretend to know what's on my mind
if we already knew everything that everybody knows
then we would have nothing to learn tonight
and we would have nothing to show tonight
oh, but everybody thinks that everybody knows
about everybody else, nobody knows
anything about themselves
'cos they're all worried about everybody else."

- wasting time, jack johnson.

déjà vu.

2010-04-26T22:40:00.004+01:00

so i know we're not supposed to live our lives in fear of making mistakes.
but what about living in fear of repeating mistakes?

"you breathed infinity into my world
and time was lost up in a cloud and a whirl
we dug a hole in the cool grey earth
and lay there, for the night
and you said,
"wait for me, we'll fly the wind
we'll grow old and you'll be
stronger without him"

but oh, now
my world is at your feet
i was lost and i was found
but i was alive and now i've drowned
so now i will be waiting
for the world to hear my song
so they can tell me i was wrong

but they weren't there beneath your stare
and they weren't stripped til they were bare
of any bindings from the world outside that room
and they weren't taken by the hand
and led through fields of naked land
where any preconceived ideas were blown away
so i couldn't say,
"no"

you sighed and i was lost in you
weeks could have passed for all i knew
you were the blanket of the overworld
and so i couldn't say, i wouldn't say, "no"
and they all said,
"you're too young to even know
just don't let it grow and you'll be
stronger without him

but oh, now
my world is at your feet
i was lost and i was found
but i was alive and now i've drowned
so now i will be waiting
for the world to hear my song
so they can tell me i was wrong."

- they weren't there, missy higgins.

butterfly wings and a fairy wand.

2010-04-26T10:44:00.002+01:00

okay i'm beginning to feel nervous about my dissertation.
i don't like things being out of my control! gah.
it's going to be a mad month and a half.

starting... now.

so she said, "what's the problem, baby?"

2010-04-24T21:32:00.002+01:00

i've never heard spring referenced as a season for love as much as i have here.
it would be interesting to see if ducklings, baby bunnies, tulips, daffodils and sunshine actually are related to an increase in human romance.
they make for gorgeous outings on the cam, at any rate.

i'm beginning to see what all the fuss is about.

"so i said i'm a snowball running
running down into the spring that's coming
all this love
melting under blue skies
belting out sunlight
shimmering love."

- accidentally in love, counting crows.

gnu rhymes with too.

2010-04-19T21:37:00.002+01:00

dissertation due in under 7 weeks.
which means may bumps is in under 7 weeks.
which means summer break starts in under 7 weeks.
which means cambridge as i know it is over in under 7 weeks.

which means i have 7 weeks to collect data, analyse data, and write up my 15,000 word dissertation, 7 weeks to sort out my plans for summer, 7 weeks to spend with people i may never see again.

but also 7 weeks of sunshine, flowers, rowing, dancing, badminton, and fun. which really isn't so bad. =)

done.

2010-04-18T00:21:00.003+01:00

i feel like it's about time for a proper, update-y post. not really for anyone else, but for myself, so i can one day look back at this post and be reminded of the past month. but it would be impossible to do the past month justice in a blog post, and i find it hard to imagine ever forgetting the past month anyway.

italy was great. i literally subsisted only on pizza, pasta and gelato... and sunshine. lots and lots of sunshine. and churches. lots and lots of churches. each place i visited had its own charm - assisi and its cobbled streets and steps, rome with history at every corner, rimini and its beach.

and when i was in rimini i found out i got a full scholarship from the cambridge trusts to do my phd here, which made me jump around in my hostel room for a bit. in the same wave of emails, i also found out that i got rejected by king's college london, and that i have a chance at graduating with distinction for my master's degree.

i had a lot of time to think while i was in italy. and not just think, but also to feel, and to feel intensely.

i thought my time in italy was great, but in some ways the time since, back in cambridge, has been even better. never has so much time passed more quickly and more serenely. my birthday started with socks, continued with breakfast in bed, a quiet morning, brilliant sunshine, a pleasant walk, tea and scones in an apple orchard, dinner with friends, champagne, sparkling wine, and chocolate cake, and ended with my room decorated in roses, tulips, and a potted plant (i still don't know what it is exactly... but it looks good!).

i haven't quite started work yet, but am easing myself into it. in the meantime, i'm collecting memories. like from earlier today, when i climbed through a window to have pasta in the sunshine (dressed in a tank top and shorts - and i felt warm!), climbed back through to get a pineapple, and then proceeded to eat half of it (which made my mouth hurt).

everything has been so amazing (read: a-mai-zing) that it's hard not to look for the catch, to brace myself for the fall. but for now, i'm just being.
and doing a pretty good job, if i may say so myself. =)

"well maybe you should just drink a lot less coffee,
and never ever watch the ten o'clock news,
maybe you should kiss someone nice,
or lick a rock,
or both.

maybe you should cut your own hair
'cause that can be so funny
it doesn't cost any money
and it always grows back
hair grows even after you're dead."

- ghost of corporate future, regina spektor.

he is not a priest, nor a married man.

2010-04-15T10:27:00.004+01:00

"Não sou nada.
Nunca serei nada.
Não posso querer ser nada.
À parte isso, tenho em mim todos os sonhos do mundo."

- Álvaro de Campos (Fernando Pessoa).

i am nothing.
i will never be anything.
i cannot wish to be anything.
bar that, i have in me all the dreams of the world.

five red roses.

2010-04-09T23:48:00.002+01:00

yesterday i sat on a beach, alone... listening to the sound of the sea, feeling the sun on my skin.
and i was at peace.

wave in, wave out.

wave in, wave out.

"maybe this won't last very long
but you feel so right
and i could be wrong
maybe i've been hoping too hard
but i've gone this far
and it's more than i've hoped for."

- for the longest time, billy joel.

rojak.

2010-04-06T08:06:00.002+01:00

i have so much to say but i don't know where to start and it feels like nothing can do it justice so for now

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

will have to suffice.

i know this wasn't a very informative post, sorry. i just needed an outlet.

ah, life is good. =D

muito obrigada.

2010-02-28T13:11:00.003Z

"sin is behovable, but all shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well."

- julian of norwich.

BUMP!

2010-02-27T18:28:00.002Z

bossa nova.

2010-02-24T18:57:00.002Z

today has been an exceptionally good day.

that is all.

=)

jasmine pearls.

2010-02-19T17:13:00.003Z

although the sun had to struggle a little bit, today turned out to be a gorgeous day. golden sunshine, blue sky, birds singing, flowers beginning to push their way up... i decided on an impulse to abandon my thick coats and make do with just a t-shirt and hoodie instead (and jeans; i didn't go half-naked, don't worry. or get too excited).

sounds nice, no? the thing is, it was only about 4 degrees outside.

that's the thing about everything appearing to be perfect, isn't it? it gives you a (false) sense of invincibility. when all seems to be going well, it's easy to shed the layers that you have built up around you because they seem superfluous. it's not as difficult to let go of inhibitions, because you feel complacently secure. and that's fine for a while.

but then you have to remember that 4 degrees really still is pretty cold, and that as much as you wish it wasn't, it still is winter. and that spring will come in time. and that maybe you should enjoy winter for what it is instead of rushing through it in your hurry to get it over with.

ah, patience.

"yeah, and i'm just a waste of her energy
and she's just a waste of my time, mm hmm
so why don't we get together
and we could waste everything tonight
and we could waste, and we could waste it all
tonight, yeah."

- wasting time, jack johnson.

thou shalt not.

2010-02-17T11:26:00.004Z

three women caned under syariah law

whom were they having sex with and were they caned too?
and is it really anybody else's business? or anybody else's place to judge and punish?

oh mickey, you're so fine.

2010-02-12T14:10:00.002Z

"i can be an idiot... please be magnanimous."

i haven't blogged for a while... almost a month now. quite a lot has happened, and i've been doing some soul-searching as a result. things were never black and white for me, but they seem even more equivocal now. what i want, what i should want, what i should do, where i want to be, why i want to do/be what/where i want to do/be, whom i want to surround myself with. priorities. interestingly i'm not as driven as i usually am to sort it all out in my head. it's scary not feeling in control, but maybe control is an illusion after all.

i think i'll try out this ambiguity for a while. i was told today that i'm "just a baby" at 21; maybe i should revel in the naivete that entitles me to. for a while. a while is all i really have, anyway.

"and all of these moments
just might find their way into my dreams tonight
but i know that they'll be gone,
when the morning light sings
and brings new things,
but tomorrow night you see
that they'll be gone too,
too many things i have to do,
but if all of these dreams might find their way
into my day-to-day scene
i'll be under the impression,
i was somewhere in-between
with only two,
just me and you
not so many things we got to do,
or places we got to be
we'll sit beneath the mango tree now."

- better together, jack johnson.

a you-shaped hole.

2010-01-14T11:55:00.002Z

it's hard to be completely honest with yourself. which is strange, if you think about it, because trying to lie to yourself is really a lost cause. but still, we try.

it's a rude awakening when you take a long, hard look inside yourself and realise that you are afraid of not getting what you truly want, and that to deal with that fear you've been distracting yourself with lesser things. you've been trying to convince yourself that what is conveniently at hand is what you want when in actual fact, it is probably not. it's just the next best thing.

it's probably toughest to realise that despite being aware of that fear and your "making do", you are afraid of letting go of second-best because maybe second-best is that best you're going to get.

and that's a scary thought.

job 1:21.

2010-01-01T04:50:00.006Z

2009 was a big year for me. i was rejected, and was accepted. i made tough decisions. i had to say goodbyes, but also said many hellos. i saw all of "the gang". i travelled across four continents. i flew over the grand canyon in a helicopter and watched cirque du soleil in las vegas. i saw the opera house and the twelve apostles. i watched my first west end musical. i attended midnight mass at westminster cathedral for christmas and watched fireworks at the london eye for new year's. i achieved a major life goal. i tried things i had never done before. and i did things i never thought i would do.

from all that i have experienced and learnt over the past year, the main thing that i take away with me is the realisation of how loved i am by my family, and how much i love them, though probably not nearly enough. i owe so much of who i am to them, and without their support the past year would have been a very different year. i have also come to see beyond my immediate family, and am beginning to better appreciate the connection i have with my extended family as well.

and so it was rather fitting that the first emotion i felt in 2010 was one of thankfulness. i have so much, and all i have was given. as i face 2010, full of promise and uncertainty, i pray for the serenity to accept that which i cannot change, the courage to change that which i can, and the wisdom to know the difference. amen.

"welcome to wherever you are
this is your life
you've made it this far
welcome, you've got to believe
that right here right now
you're exactly where you're supposed to be
welcome to wherever you are."

- welcome to wherever you are, bon jovi.

do you?

2009-12-20T19:08:00.001Z

i wonder what it will be like the next time we meet.

be careful what you wish for.

2009-12-15T21:20:00.003Z

how is it possible that it is christmas is only 10 days away, 2010 is 17 days away, my trip to australia was four months ago, the end of july was five months ago, i left eugene 6 months ago, and i am less than 6 months from finishing my mphil?

the past week and a half has dragged on longer than the two months of term... with all my extra-curriculars put on hold, most of the grads away for the break, and the depressingly short days, i've taken too many naps, forced myself to sleep in too often, streamed too many tv shows online and eaten way too much.

oh winter, how i loathe thee.

at least there's christmas and new year's to look forward to. or is there?
come on canterbury, dover, bath, bristol and london. try to make christmas back home a little less appealing, will you?

"'cause you're the storm that i've been needing
and all this peace has been deceiving
i like the sweet life and the silence
but it's the storm that i believe in."

- you're the storm, the cardigans.

with or without you.

2009-11-24T22:18:00.002Z

i wonder what exactly it is that makes us so afraid of being alone?

"if i lie here,
if i just lay here,
would you lie with me
and just forget the world?"

- chasing cars, snow patrol.

>=|

2009-11-13T09:05:00.003Z

i didn't get to row today because one of my crew overslept!
and i had to wake up at 6.15, cycle in the pouring rain, get out the oars and heavy boat, and cycle back in the pouring rain.
i was completely drenched! and cold. i need waterproofs.
gripegripegripegripe.

rise and shine.

2009-11-12T23:01:00.002Z

i've discovered that since getting to cambridge, i've felt like i've made it. like i am now enjoying the fruits of my labour, the culmination of my 14 years of school - i'm here, and i have nothing left to prove. i also feel like i have been given a chance to fix all the mistakes i made during my undergrad, to do everything i didn't get a chance to do for the past three and a half years. i love the fact that almost everyone i've met here isn't defined just by what their studying and how well they're doing in class. needless to say, academics is a big part of their lives, but it's not all their lives are about. as it rightfully should not be. everyone knows at least two languages, plays (or used to play) at least one instrument, does a sport, dances...

and i have absolutely reveled in it. in case my past few posts haven't given you enough of an idea, i rowed this morning (all eight of us rowed at the same time for the first time ever!), watched my first silent movie (twice; it might be a big part of my dissertation), played fooseball, had two short naps, watched a couple of episodes of "the big bang theory" (introduced to me by val), played badminton in the evening, looked up possibilities for my end year break, cycled in the pouring rain for rock n roll, kicked someone in the head while trying to do a flip, got dropped once or twice,got kicked in the shins once or twice, and actually managed to complete the flip once or twice...

and i felt guilty.

guilty because i feel that in my determination to avoid a repeat of my nerdhood in help and oregon, i've perhaps tipped the balance a little too much in the opposite direction. i firmly believe that i am here at cambridge for a reason, and i am certain that friends, traveling, badminton, rock n roll, rowing, and church are as much parts of that reason as my classes, research and fancy piece of paper that i get at the end of these 9 months. but i think i need to start looking at it the other way too: my classes, research and fancy piece of paper that i get at the end of these 9 months are as much parts, if not more so, of why i'm here at cambridge as friends, traveling, badminton, rock n roll, rowing and church.

i must, and i will, do my best on my assignments, dissertation, and applications for my phd. that said, i will not drop everything else for it. if i'm going to do well enough, i'm going to do well enough while having the time of my life.

i know there is a master plan, and it's reassuring. but it is also dangerous.
i cannot and must not stop rowing for the shore.
or rowing along the cam. which i have to be up for in about 6 hours!
heh heh.

after that though, there's going to be a noticeable change. hold me to that.

isn't it ironic, don't you think?

2009-10-28T23:00:00.003Z

so.

on monday i went for a run and played wii for the first time in my life.
yesterday i rowed, played badminton, and tried out acrobatic rock 'n' roll.
today i met up with marta and ali for hot chocolate at an italian cafe and ended up chatting for about 3 hours, and also went for continental rock 'n' roll.
tomorrow i'm going to row, play badminton, and go for formal.
on friday i might try ballroom and latin.
this saturday i'm going to nottingham to play badminton at the malaysian nottingham games, probably followed be a halloween party.
on sunday i have rowing, badminton and rock 'n' roll lined up.

BUT, believe it or not, i actually attend classes and seminars somewhere in between.
i've read about 20 journal articles and 2 academic books.
i've made about 30 pages of notes (12 point font, single-spaced) based on what i've read.
and when i think about it, getting all that reading and notes done in 2 1/2 weeks isn't too bad.
is it?

i don't know if i'm doing too little work! or if i'm doing too much of the other stuff! and i don't get how i still have time to feel bored and unproductive! and watch multiple episodes of the simpsons every day!

i blame my 18-credit-hour-terms-plus-work-plus-research-plus-ucf-plus-an-attempt-at-a-social-life that was my undergraduate experience. now my internal gauge of what a healthy balance between academics and extra-curricular activities is is completely warped.

have i mentioned that i also went for mass three times last week and had lunch at church all three times too?
and that i'm on the college badminton team, and probably also on the college rowing team and the uni novice rock 'n' roll team? which means that these aren't just temporary pursuits?
and that i'm also doing a masters at cambridge?
one month down, eight to go.

"keep walking, though there is no place to get to.
don't try to see through the distances;
that's not for human beings.
move within, but don't move the way fear makes you move.
today, like every other day, wake up empty and frightened.
don't open the door to the study and begin reading.
take down a musical instrument.
let the beauty we love be what we do.
there are hundreds of ways to kneel and kiss the ground."
- rumi.

why NOT?

2009-10-24T11:46:00.002+01:00

i like trying new things. since i've come to cambridge, i've punted. i've attended rock n roll, salsa and breakdance classes. i've rowed. i might try canoeing next week. and ballroom and latin. i do it for the experience - i like being able to say "i've tried it", and to be able to talk about different things at least on a basic level. it's also the reason why i enjoy listening to people's conversations about topics i'm unfamiliar with, and going to places i've never been.

but see, i always just "try". i do something for a while, get mediocre at it, and then i'm done.

i play the piano, but just enough to crank out pachabel's canon in d (in c, because that way there aren't any black keys involved).
i play badminton, but just enough to get a couple of smashes in once in a while and to place the shuttle cleverly every so often.
i run, but just enough to do 3 miles consistently in under 30 minutes.
i do ballet, but just enough to do single pirouettes and get my legs at 90 degree angles.
i know mandarin, but understand just enough to get the gist of a conversation and speak only when i absolutely have to.

you get the idea.

and i always ask myself "why?": why go for the badminton uni trials when you're probably not gonna get on the team? why play for college when girton is in the lowest league? why go for the nottingham games when you're probably gonna lose anyway? why go for rock n roll when no one's gonna be able to lift you until you lose a pound or two (or ten)? why go for salsa when other girls are gonna look so much hotter and sexier than you on the dancefloor? why do breakdance when you don't have the upper body or core strength to get into and hold a freeze? why talk to a philosophy major about philosophy when you know you are going to flounder miserably?

trust me, i don't hold any delusions of grandeur about myself or my capabilities. i know how to be realistic. but i cannot allow myself to be caged in by my self-perceived limitations all the time. i've done that enough.

sure i may be laughed at and ridiculed for having tried and lost.
but i will be laughing too, and i will feel a sense of accomplishment from having played the game instead of watching from the sidelines.

realism is overrated sometimes. and so is winning, all the time.

"row, row, row your boat
gently down the stream
merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily
life is but a dream."

oh well.

2009-10-19T02:42:00.003+01:00

after two and a half weeks of ups, i guess it was about time for a downer.

i was at a club (yes, i know, on a sunday night) and when i got out my bike was gone. at least i used it well while i had it. and at least i got it second-hand, so it wasn't a brand new one. and at least i have the front bike light. and the lock. and at least i had fun dancing.

no use fretting about it. it's been jacked, nothing i can do about it. hopefully whoever stole it needs the money (or bike), uses it for something he/she really needs, and isn't on a full scholarship or something.

moving on.

"don't be afraid to fall on your head."

2009-10-17T18:06:00.002+01:00

i did my first ever breakdance freeze today! and actually repeated it! and i didn't break my wrist! my arms are gonna kill me tomorrow! but i'm so excited!

*victory dance* (top rock, of course.)

win some or learn some.

2009-10-16T19:53:00.004+01:00

yesterday's victories:
1. i went to the library and got some reading done!
2. i went for mass, and had lunch with people from church after.
3. i didn't nap!
4. i ran at least 5 miles! it was one of those days when it felt like i could have just gone on running forever.

loss:
i had a cheeseburger at 4am. again.

but badminton today! and possibly a breakdancing class lol.

"wake up everyone
how can you sleep at a time like this
unless the dreamer is the real you

listen to your voice
the one that tells you
to taste past the tip of your tongue
leap in, the net will appear

i don't wanna wake, before
the dream is over
i'm gonna make it mine
yes i, i know it

i'm gonna make it mine
yes i'll make it all mine

i keep my life on a heavy rotation
requesting that it's lifting you up, up, up and away
and over to a table at the gratitude cafe

and i am finally there
and all the angels
they'll be singing ah la la la, ah la la la
ah la la la la love this

i don't wanna break before
the tour is over
i'm gonna make it mine
yes i, i'll own it

i'm gonna make it mine
yes i'll make it ll mine

and timing's everything
and this time there's plenty
i am balancing
careful and steady
and reveling in energy that everyone's emitting

well i don't wanna wait no more
oh i wanna celebrate the whole world
i'm gonna make it mine
oh yes, i'm following your joy

i'm gonna make it mine
because i, i am open
i'm gonna make it mine
that's why, i will show it

i'm gonna make it mine
gonna make it mine
oh, mine
yes i'll make it all mine."

- make it mine, jason mraz.

call us when you wake up.

2009-10-16T00:45:00.010+01:00

so, here i am. in cambridge. and i've been here for the past two weeks, which seems like so much longer and so much shorter at the same time. and the long and the short of it is that it has been pretty darn awesome, in the original, literal sense of the word. tiring, but exciting, stimulating, inspiring, and surreal all at the same time -

from the time i arrived in stansted, waited an hour for my luggage, wrangled my luggage through a line for train tickets, down two escalators (hemmed in by barriers too narrow for my biggest bag), on to the furthest possible platform in the station, and then on the train, arrived in wolfson court where i'm staying ("wolfie" from here on out), greeted by the porter who called me "love" and asked me if i was staying in "beefree", took a bath (as in a bathtub bath) because i couldn't find the shower and didn't want to explore my block because it was all dark and i was alone, used my couch seat as a pillow, and covered myself with my trench coat and shawls;

to the time i wandered around cambridge without a map, but still managed to get toiletries, open a bank account, buy a duvet (which i LOVE) and pillows, and get my university card (*bangga*), lugged it all back (i had to stop every 20 steps or so because everything was SO heavy. and the walk took close to an hour! but the duvet is worth it), and had chocolate bars from the vending machine because my card wasn't activated for the dining hall yet and i couldn't be bothered to wander around looking for food;

to the time i went for the international student orientation session and felt really bored because i'd heard it all before as an undergraduate, only(?) two years ago, went for lunch with the two people i am now closest to - marta who is italian but started learning french when she was 18, spent a few years in france, did two masters and is now starting a phd in french literature, and ali who grew up in india but did his secondary school in the uk, his undergrad in the states, and then wandered around syria for a bit before ending up here; bought my harry potter-esque gown, had dinner at the wolfie cafeteria for the first time, and then went to a couple of pubs with the girton grads where i got lost in a conversation with a philosophy phd student about pragmatism and realism (1. when i say "got lost" i don't mean engrossed; i actually mean i was confused and didn't know what i was saying or what to say. 2. the discussion started with him wondering why grads and undergrads didn't mix);

to the time i met up with elyse and her (and eric's) parents, went punting on the cam (and actually punted!), had tom yam for dinner (or what tried to pass off as tom yam), and then went to a couple more pubs;

to the time i walked half an hour to church and was welcomed by the familiar smell of incense, finally got to see girton college, picked and ate apples in the college orchard, and attended a quiz night in the graduate common room ("mcr" from here on out) at which i felt very ignorant (but i did know that bob dylan's real name is robert zimmerman and that stephen was the first christian martyr!);

to the time i went to the girton societies fair, had a pretty bad veggie burger because the line for the other stuff was way too long, got more apples, had my first long nap (most certainly not my last), and had drinks in the mcr followed by an awesome game of pictionary;

to the time i went for the uni societies fair, signed up for waaay more activities than i would be able to do (well, actually just signed up to get emails about the activities so i could decide what i wanted to do later on), wandered around looking for bikes, went for my department's welcome party, and met my supervisor for the first time with a glass of wine in my hand - most definitely not how i pictured it;

to the time i woke up at 6 something am and put my gown on for the first time to get my matriculation photo taken, and then spent the whole day at my department's induction at which i discovered i was enrolled as a phd student proper (not an mphil going on to my phd as i originally thought), and made the tough decision to change my status to mphil student which has implications for my workload this year, the possibility of me continuing next year, the activities i can get involved in, and ultimately my experience of being at cambridge... but i've thought it through, and i'm almost completely sure this is what i should do;

to the time i finally bought my bike and went for my first formal hall, which involved getting all dressed up and putting on my harry potter-esque robes again, pre-dinner drinks, a gong being sounded, the grads walking in with the mistress and fellows (while the undergrads stood, mind you), the mistress saying grace ("benedictus benedicat" before dinner and "benedicto benedicatur" after), a three course dinner, the gong being sounded again and everyone getting up for the mistress to leave, post-dinner drinks, and then the college bar;

to the time i cycled around for four hours with marta running errands and trying not to get into any accidents while figuring out the road system, and later went on a college bar crawl - three different college bars, followed by two clubs and a cheeseburger at a hole-in-the-wall (yes i know you've done more mr. yong);

to the time i got woken up by a false fire alarm after less than four hours of sleep and had to evacuate the building in my pjs, climbed back into bed to read and sleep some more, went for the university badminton trials which could have gone a lot worse, met a couple of malaysians there and followed them to their freshers' squash at which i met more malaysians, some of whom i already knew, and then went for another department party at which i met more faculty members and fellow grad students in my program (there was a welcome party by a christian society in the house next door and one of the people who was supposed to come to our party ended up there and had to be "saved" - but that's another story);

to the time i went to a church much closer to my place and really enjoyed mass, joined the girton grads for a walk to grantchester - a neighbouring village - through meadows and by the river, had scones with clotted cream and homemade raspberry jam at the orchard, which was just that - chairs and tables set out under apple trees (apparently famous people like virginia woolf used to go there for tea), went for the evening service at the girton chapel to listen to our choir, and then watched bee movie in the mcr (which, for the record, was NOT my idea! i am not imposing cartoons on people. yet.);

to the time i attended my first lecture at which my lecturer rattled on for two hours, very clearly and coherently, without consulting notes of any kind, spouting names of researchers and the research they've done and what their research has found no less, went for mass and had lunch at church, went for a research class at which i was falling asleep (already!), attended my first meeting with my supervisor with the other phd students she's supervising, went for a drink with her after, had alcoholic cider for the first time, and went for a poster presentation;

to the time i attended my second lecture about new family forms, matriculated, met the mistress for five minutes, went for a college badminton session which went really well and i had a lot of fun at, and then joined the girtonians post-mcr dinner for drinks;

to the time i had my first day of "nothing to do" but actually had a lot to do, did laundry, found that the dryer doesn't work, hung my clothes on the balcony to dry, napped longer than i intended to, went for a bible study, and went for rock n roll dance classes! (which isn't really what it sounds like - go google it to see youtube examples);

to today, my second day of "nothing to do", in which i managed to be somewhat productive in necessary but non-academic areas, napped longer than i intended to, played college badminton again, rushed home to get ready for formal, sat at the high table for dinner, had a good post-dinner chat, and played pool at the college bar after.

i've met people from all over the world.
i have a huge room with a couch and a sink.
the people in my faculty are impressive but not distant.
i've stepped out of my comfort zone.
i'm getting involved.
i'm staying social.
cambridge is known as "the desert of the uk", so we (we!) get rain but not too much.
it's beautiful here - green lawns, old buildings, cobblestone pavements...

i can see myself being happy here.
bring on the 5000 word essays, endless reading lists and intimidating assessment criteria!

and then we'll do it again.

2009-09-29T05:56:00.003+01:00

"i count the steps, the distance to
the time when it was me and you is so far gone
another face another friend
another place another end, but i'll hang on

and it's a winding road
and it's a long way home

so don't wait
for someone to tell you it's too late
cos these are the best days
there's always
something tomorrow so i say
let's make the best of tonight
yeah, let's make the best of tonight
cos here comes the rest of our lives."

- best days, the graham colton band.

everybody dance now!

2009-09-26T14:23:00.003+01:00

while i'm on the subject of being/staying social while i'm at cambridge:

i just read through my freshers week program, and 11 of the 16 days from the 1st to the 15th of october have events scheduled that include one or more of the words "pub", "drink", "bar" or "party" in their titles or descriptions.

=)

can't let the music stop.

2009-09-26T13:39:00.003+01:00

i'm stuck in changi airport now, since my flight back to kl got delayed by two hours. i was gonna have to wait for the same amount of time in klia anyway, to see val off, so i guess it's not a big deal. at least there are computers with free internet access here!

on my way to singapore, i realiSed i was travelLing alone again for the first time since i was in the states. i knew i could handle it, no problem... but i couldn't help but feel apprehensive about going to another place where i'll have to start all over again. in the three and a half months i've been home, i've gotten used to organiSing my plans around what other people want to do, when they could do it, and whether or not someone could get me to wherever i needed to be. except for the times when i stayed in pyjamas all day and had multiple naps, of course. i realiSed i had become somewhat dependent again, and not necessarily in a negative way.

in the states i think i was too independent. i trained myself to survive with minimal social interaction, which in restrospect served me well given the circumstances. but i don't want a repeat of that in the uk. i still treasure my independence, but i want - need a measure of dependence too. maybe the fact that i already know some people (i.e. miss val khoo su chen and mr yong chun jiat!) within a couple of hours of where i'll be will help. maybe not. we'll see.

i haven't given myself the chance to properly digest all that has happened this summer yet. i don't want to. i don't want to see what i did right and the mistakes i've made just yet. i don't wanna think of the future and what still needs to be done and what i still need. with three days left, i want to just be. i think i "was" pretty well in singapore. i just need to hold out for three more days.

three more days.

ogres, onions and parfait.

2009-09-21T15:06:00.003+01:00

i like discovering things i didn't know about people - figuring out their family background, piecing together their childhood, mapping out their pet peeves and soft spots, marking their habits, picking up on their sense of humoUr, being amazed at how much (or how little) they know... observing. watching. learning.

it's not something i'm obsessed about, despite me having studied psychology (i do NOT analyze you every time you blink. NOR can i read your mind). it's just something i enjoy. i like being pleasantly surprised. and i like being able to understand the person better. to see where they're coming from. why they do what they do.

but you can never completely figure anyone out.

that just adds to the fun.

and frustration, sometimes.

then again, i wouldn't want anyone to have me all figured out. fair's fair.

"i hope life treats you kind
and i hope you have all you dreamed of
and i wish you joy
and happiness
but above all this
i wish you
love."

- i will always love you, whitney houston.

sounds of silence.

2009-09-17T18:39:00.002+01:00

today i've been listening to mellow, meaningful, sometimes emo songs, which i haven't done in a while. almost as a subconscious self-defense mechanism.
my playlist has been dominated by the likes of pitbull, the black-eyed peas (i'm surprised "i've gotta feeling" hasn't made a cameo in my dreams yet), and bob sinclair. hehe.

12 days to go. sometimes i can't help but wonder if i'm in over my head. other times i think i have things under control.
we'll see... i'm hoping for the latter, but there's something to be said for the former every once in a while, no?

"a lovestruck romeo, sings the streets a serenade
laying everybody low with a love song that he made
finds a streetlight, steps out of the shade
says something like, "you and me, babe, how about it?"

juliet says, "hey, it's romeo, you nearly gave me a heart attack"
he's underneath the window, she's singing
"hey, la, my boyfriend's back
you shouldn't come around here, singing up people like that
anyway, what you gonna do about it?"

juliet, the dice was loaded from the start
and i bet, that you exploded in my heart
and i forget, i forget.. the movie song
when you gonna realize, it was just that the time was wrong, juliet?"

- romeo and juliet, dire straits. i like the version by the killers.

retaliation.

2009-09-15T04:46:00.002+01:00

three and a half hours of gym, 15 minutes of sleep, 6 hours of tennis.
AND i got my uk visa.

take that, malaysian government!

"i don't care if it hurts,
i wanna have control
i want a perfect body
i want a perfect soul

i want you to notice
when i'm not around
you're so very special
i wish i was special."

- damien rice's cover of radiohead's "creep".

insert obscenity here.

2009-09-14T06:04:00.004+01:00

PROGRAM BIASISWA YANG DI-PERTUAN AGONG TAHUN 2009
JABATAN PERKHIDMATAN AWAM MALAYSIA
Nama Penuh : ADELLE PUSHPARATNAM
Status : TIDAK BERJAYA TEMUDUGA

Terima kasih diucapkan di atas minat saudara/saudari untuk mendapatkan penawaran Biasiswa Yang Di-Pertuan Agong tahun 2009.

Setelah permohonan saudara/saudari diteliti dengan saksama, dimaklumkan bahawa permohonan saudara/saudari tidak dapat dipertimbangkan kerana tidak memenuhi syarat yang ditetapkan untuk permohonan Biasiswa Yang Di-Pertuan Agong 2009.

Sekian, terima kasih.

Bahagian Pembangunan Modal Insan
Jabatan Perkhidmatan Awam Malaysia

WHAT SYARAT DID I NOT PENUHI?
what. the. hell.
fine. if you don't want me i don't want you either.

still. everything happens for a reason.

edit: my mom's reply to the news: "good luck, bad luck, who knows?" yay, mommy! how true.

poker face.

2009-09-13T16:15:00.004+01:00

"you seem fine."

maybe it's time i started wearing my heart on my sleeve a little more often, especially when it comes to negative emotions.

glare when i'm angry.
mope when i'm upset.
cry when i'm sad.
distance myself when i've been hurt.

and do it unapologetically.

because when i don't, it's either i appear cold, or people just don't get that they're rubbing me the wrong way until one day a fuse blows.

oh, and i ran over a monitor lizard today. it crossed the highway without looking left, right, and then left again! and it was either it's life or the lives of my mommy, daddy and san ee. so yeah. at least it wasn't cute and furry.

in other news.

2009-09-12T08:27:00.002+01:00

interesting articles on polygamy in the papers today:
sharing the love
a first wife speaks up
clearing the air

i've started packing! kind of. my uncle's going to london for a business trip tonight, so he offered to take some of my stuff with him and leave it at a relative's house there. i had an hour to throw together about 10kg of stuff that i wanted to bring over but wouldn't need immediately... and ended up packing about 17.5kg. haha. together with his own luggage it exceeds the baggage allowance, but we're gonna try anyway. if they don't allow him to take all of it my aunty will bring the excess back and i'll have to lug it over on my own.

anyone else going on business trips to london anytime soon? =)

words.

2009-09-11T20:57:00.001+01:00

i hate you.
damn fake.

wow.

o my prophetic soul!

2009-09-10T18:00:00.004+01:00

i heard "when two become one" by the spice girls on the radio today, and was singing along to it with whatever lyrics i remembered from when i was 11 or 12... and when it got to this part

"get a little bit wiser baby,
put it on, put it on."

joe went "OH MY GOD THEY'RE SINGING ABOUT A CONDOM!"

i wonder how many other sexual connotations i've been singing along to unknowingly.

"he took me by the wrist and held me hard;
then goes he to the length of all his arm;
and, with his other hand thus o'er his brow,
he falls to such perusal of my face
as he would draw it. long stay'd he so;
at last, a little shaking of mine arm
and thrice his head thus waving up and down,
he raised a sigh so piteous and profound
as it did seem to shatter all his bulk
and end his being: that done, he lets me go:
and, with his head over his shoulder turn'd,
he seem'd to find his way without his eyes;
for out o' doors he went without their helps,
and, to the last, bended their light on me."

- ophelia, act ii, scene i, hamlet.

a whole new world.

2009-09-09T17:15:00.002+01:00

"i can show you the world
shining, shimmering splendour (note the "u"!)
tell me princess, now when did you last
let your heart decide

i can open your eyes
take you wonder by wonder
over, sideways and under
on a magic carpet ride."

- a whole new world, aladdin.

the more i hear about the uk the more i can't wait to go there and TRAVEL. after all the bumming i've been doing it's hard to get excited about hitting the books and going back to the grind, but i'm looking forward to that too, in a way.

travelling (note the double L!) in europe has just always been a big dream of mine. now if only i had the funds for it... i've applied for about five scholarships, and will apply for another one, so hopefully i get at least one! pray/keep your fingers crossed for me!

this time three weeks from now i'll be finding my way to girton college from stanstead with my 30kg (note that it's not in pounds!) of luggage.
and starting completely fresh.
but then again, we never do start completely fresh, do we?

anyway. three weeks.
i'm going to wear shorts and eat chicken rice and mamak as much as i can.

you are stoopit.

2009-09-07T02:16:00.009+01:00

"i can't whistle!"

"seriously? weak shit!"

"i can snap my fingers..."

"but you have to whistle in the shower!"

"what? why?"

"cos sometimes you happy ma."

"hahaha... sometimes you say the stupidest things."

"what? where got stupid? when you're happy you have to whistle la, bitch."

temple relocation article(video) - just watch from about the first to the fourth minute.
candlelight vigil article(video)
so. you sever the head of a sacred animal and stamp on it and there is no retribution.
but you walk with candles and you get arrested because that's "illegal".
what?

"it's complicated and stupid
got my ass squeezed by sexy cupid
now he wants to play, wants to play
a love game, a love game."

- lovegame, lady gaga.

really? "love"?

change the battery pack.

2009-08-30T10:18:00.002+01:00

whew. after 11 awesome days in australia followed by ying's 21st birthday festivities... i need sleep! no clubbing and alcohol for two to three weeks please thanks. it was a blast though. i got to partay with people i grew up with but never saw intoxicated before, dance with friends i hadn't seen in years, and just let my guard down a little more than usual.

thank you to all the people in australia who made my visit there amazing, especially miss tham waiping, miss lim su yin and mr matt ding "sw".

happy 21st to miss val khoo, who's coming back real soon!
happy 21st to miss ong li teng, whom i still have yet to play badminton with!
and happy, happy 21st to miss lim shwe ying! love you loads babe, and i'm glad you had a good one. =)

"i know that we'll have a ball
if we get down and go out
and just lose it all

i feel
stressed out i wanna let it go
let's go way out, spaced out
and losing all control."

- i've gotta feeling, the black eyed peas.

boom boom pow.

2009-08-22T17:52:00.001+01:00

"is it some hot guy and some hot chick ar?"

"is it... confirm!"

haha.

cry me a river.

2009-08-20T01:35:00.002+01:00

"waiting is painful. forgetting is painful. but not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering."

- by the river piedra, paulo coelho.

some decisions you feel worse about as time goes on.
some decisions you feel more at peace with.
and there are always still more decisions to be made.

whirlwind.

2009-08-18T10:30:00.003+01:00

in the past four days i've spent in australia, i've been to melbourne, newcastle, the blue mountains and sydney.
in the past four nights i've spent in australia, i've slept in a different room and bed and showered in a different bathroom every night.

i've eaten more than i should.
i've slept less than i should.
i've gotten angrier than i've been in a long time.
i've met up with people i haven't seen in years.
i haven't gotten sick of jiat yet, despite spending more time with him than i ever have in my life lol.
i haven't talked to anthea since she got to nebraska!
i've been to so many gorgeous places.
and i'm with yin(!), ning jia(!), sammy(!) and jiat (*yawn*) right now!

one week to go! =D

zomg lollersk8s roflcopter.

2009-08-12T17:30:00.002+01:00

anthea's leaving for the land of cornfields TODAY!
i had to get out all my warm stuff so i could pack for australia, cos i'm leaving TOMORROW!
i finally finished putting together three scholarship applications i've been working on FOREVER!
so hopefully someone will bequeath me some moolah SOON!
because i'll be leaving for cambridge in A MONTH AND A HALF!
pitbull is EVERYWHERE!
but his music is pretty catchy so it's OKAY!
i just wish his lyrics weren't so... QUESTIONABLE!

"forget about your boyfriend, and meet me at the hotel room
you can bring your girlfriends, and meet me at the hotel room [x2]
we at the hotel, motel, holiday inn [x4]."

- hotel room service, pitbull.

and that's not the worst of it, BY FAR!

cable car.

2009-08-09T17:16:00.002+01:00

so in hindsight, i probably shouldn't have reacted the way i did. well, i guess that wasn't really within my control - what i mean to say is i shouldn't have acted on my reaction the way i did. i shouldn't have allowed myself to get sucked into it.

was it really that big a deal? not at all. what have i accomplished? not much. just that i can now do unto you what you did unto me without worrying about the repercussions as much as i would have had you not "done unto me" in the first place. did i inadvertently fan flames i cannot guarantee fuel for? maybe. did i then quench the spark necessarily, unceremoniously and abruptly? probably.

should i care? of course i should. how can i not?

how much should i care? now that's the question, isn't it?

you didn't think.

okay.

"take time to realize
that your warmth is crashing down on in
take time to realize
that i am on your side
didn't i, didn't i tell you?"

- realize, colbie caillat.

just for a thrill.

2009-08-07T17:15:00.002+01:00

"he doesn't want better, he just wants you!"

grief counseling.

2009-08-06T18:25:00.002+01:00

"there are five stages to grief which are... denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. and right now, out there, they are all denying the fact that they're sad. and that's hard and it's making them all angry. and it is my job to get them all the way through to acceptance. and if not acceptance, then just depression. if i can get them depressed then i will have done my job."

- michael scott, the office (season three)

we'll take a cup o' kindness yet.

2009-08-05T20:40:00.002+01:00

it's always a pleasant surprise when i meet up with someone i haven't seen in years, and we can talk about things important to us knowing that the other will understand and respect what we're sharing. it's also amazing to see how and how much the other has grown, as well as discover and rediscover things you like and admire in the person.

and of course, it's always, always refreshing and rewarding to sit down with a close friend to talk and laugh about anything and everything. =)

"should auld acquaintance be forgot,
and never brought to mind?
should auld acquaintance be forgot
and auld lang syne?"

- auld lang syne, robert burns.

i like the version by mairi campbell and dave francis, pronounced the scots' way.

The Look.

2009-08-04T17:56:00.001+01:00

'since you sat down, you've convinced me that i don't believe enough, that i'm a chain smoker, that i drink too much, and that i should chop off my tail.'

i laughed.

'have you ever burnt an insect to death?'

no.

what? what else have i convinced you of now?

'that i'm sadistic.'

"but i would walk five hundred miles
and i would walk five hundred more
just to be the man who walked a thousand miles
to fall down at your door."

- five hundred miles, the proclaimers.

today:

2009-08-03T18:18:00.001+01:00

1. i started cleaning out my room.
2. i watched center stage. yay ballet!
3. i had lunch with my sister who's leaving to nebraska in 9 days!
4. i played badminton.
5. i played table tennis.
6. i played squash.
7. i swam.
8. i heard some sad news about someone i didn't really know that affects someone close to me.
9. i met up with jiat to discuss our upcoming trip to melbourne and sydney. 10 days and counting!
10. i skyped with mel.
11. i realized that i am in malaysia, but my weather widget was set to cambridge and my date and time on my computer and blog were still set to PST, so i changed them all. more living in the present, less living in the past and future.
12. I DIDN'T NAP!
13.ialsodidn'tworkonmyscholarshipapplicationsbutiwillhaveitdonesoonipromise.

more days like today please and thank you.

"sing to me the song of the stars
of your galaxy dancing and laughing and laughing again
when it feels like my dreams are so far
sing to me of the plans that you have for me over again."

- only hope, switchfoot.

i know you want me.

2009-07-31T19:49:00.000+01:00

i needed tonight.

dinner with ying, jo and wei, driving aimlessly around kl (unintentionally, for the most part), meeting up with jiat, kah leong and kah leong's friends in wong kok, walking out without ordering anything, and then ending the night with a bang at bulldog.

breakfast with the family in four hours!

"see the stone set in your eyes
see the thorn twist in your side
i wait for you."

- with or without you, u2.

i hate this part right here.

2009-07-28T17:38:00.000+01:00

i made a choice, and now i have to deal with the consequences.
you will have to deal with the consequences of your choices too.
for better or worse.

"it is said an eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent him a sentence, to be ever in view, and which should be true and appropriate in all times and situations. they presented him the words: "and this, too, shall pass away." how much it expresses! how chastening in the hour of pride! how consoling in the depths of affliction!"

- abraham lincoln

yes, a smile.

2009-07-27T19:12:00.000+01:00

"glass half-empty or half-full?"
"well it depends what's IN the glass..."

i miss jamie!

weep not for the memories.

2009-07-26T17:18:00.000+01:00

you always made me feel beautiful,
always accepted me for who i was,
always tried to understand,
always put me first,
and always fought for us.

i cannot match up to that...
you deserve better.

"i don't know what i've done
or if i like what i've begun
but something told me to run
and honey you know me it's all or none

there were sounds in my head
little voices whispering
that i should go and this should end
oh and i found myself listening

'cos i dont know who i am, who i am without you
all i know is that i should
and i don't know if i could stand another hand upon you
all i know is that i should
'cos she will love you more than i could
she who dares to stand where i stood

see i thought love was black and white
that it was wrong or it was right
but you ain't leaving without a fight
and i think i am just as torn inside

'cos i dont know who i am, who i am without you
all i know is that i should
and i don't know if i could stand another hand upon you
all i know is that i should
'cos she will love you more than i could
she who dares to stand where i stood

and i won't be far from where you are if ever you should call
you meant more to me than anyone i ever loved at all
but you taught me how to trust myself and so i say to you
this is what i have to do

'cos i don't know who i am, who i am without you
all i know is that i should
and i don't know if i could stand another hand upon you
all i know is that i should
'cos she will love you more than i could
she who dares to stand where i stood
oh, she who dares to stand where i stood."

- where i stood, missy higgins.

was it?

2009-07-22T16:07:00.000+01:00

"now, i could never change you
and i don't wanna blame you
baby, you don't have to take the fall
yes, i may have hurt you
but i did not desert you
maybe i just wanna have it all.

there's a danger in loving somebody too much
and it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust
there's a reason why people don't stay where they are
baby, sometimes love just ain't enough."

- sometimes love just ain't enough, patty smyth and don henley.

raindrop ripples.

2009-07-09T17:38:00.000+01:00

today was the first time since getting back that i missed having a core group of friends.

things were so much simpler with a "gang"... if any of us wanted to go out, he/she knew exactly who to ask along. when we did go out, we formed the nucleus, and everyone else was on the circumference. there were inside jokes, nuances, memories that only we had access to. i knew what to expect from each, and i knew what was expected of myself.

tonight there was no core. there weren't any outsiders that needed to be included, because each of us was, in one way or another, an outsider.

i've grown to accept that the core group i had in malaysia is no more - we're all still friends, but it will never be the same. i've also come to accept that i cannot and should not remain attached to my core group in the states. i also know that having a core sometimes limits you, and that not having a core is an opportunity to broaden networks and step outside one's comfort zone. the fact that i had/have two cores reminds me that things are only going to get more complicated and more peripheral from here on out. or rather from two years ago on out, in my case.

but yeah, tonight i missed being part of a core.

"namun, takkan mudah bagiku
meninggalkan jejak hidupmu
yang t'lah terukir abadi
sebagai kenangan yang terindah."

- kenangan terindah, samsons.

my reality

déjà vu.

what doesn't kill you makes you fat.

sucking too hard on your lollipop.

midsummer night's dream.

grab somebody sexy tell 'em hey.

there is no cake.

por isso, meu amor.

it is better to have loved and lost, than to live with a psycho for the rest of your life.

september.

carrot.

relativity.

it must happen with you.

chega de saudade.

two thousand words.

apakah "hak" sebenarnya?

negaraku.

25 years.

cem palavras.

on giving.

hello, world.

this free fall's, got me so.

birds can fly so high and they can shit on your head.

hit me baby one more time.

both of best worlds.

infinity plus one.

serais ce possible alors?

do you remember?

mei you yu xia ye hao.

two halves make a hole.

saudade.

do you have special needs?

i want cake.

f-king delleusional.

latent variable.

strawberry cheesecake.

perah santan.

they call me superman.

shake it like a polaroid picture.

mozzarella.

but if you try sometimes.

i've lost my number; can i have yours?

i'm a believer.

stop right now, thank you very much.

déjà vu.

butterfly wings and a fairy wand.

so she said, "what's the problem, baby?"

gnu rhymes with too.

done.

he is not a priest, nor a married man.

five red roses.

rojak.

muito obrigada.

BUMP!

bossa nova.

jasmine pearls.

thou shalt not.

oh mickey, you're so fine.

a you-shaped hole.

job 1:21.

do you?

be careful what you wish for.

with or without you.

>=|

rise and shine.

isn't it ironic, don't you think?

why NOT?

oh well.

"don't be afraid to fall on your head."

win some or learn some.

call us when you wake up.

and then we'll do it again.

everybody dance now!

can't let the music stop.

ogres, onions and parfait.

sounds of silence.

retaliation.

*insert obscenity here*.

poker face.

in other news.

insert obscenity here.