lately, i have become increasingly aware of what is important to me, what i can tolerate, and what i can live without. i like it, but it follows that i am now more assertive. and there is a fine line between being assertive and being overbearing. and i don't like overbearing. i also don't like hypocrisy, and i don't like that i am a hypocrite myself, many times over.
isn't it amazing how we nitpick at ourselves, often so much more than others do? i was thinking about it today, and i realized how negative i am about myself - i tell myself every day that i should start doing this, stop doing that, do this more, do that less, fix this, better that... that drive for self-improvement is important, but it's so unfortunate that it is barely counterbalanced out by positive messages playing in my head about what i'm doing right. see? even that was a negative message of sorts: "stop criticizing yourself, start accepting who you are..."
it's such a challenge to find that balance between being and doing. between saying
"whatever! everyone else can think what they like of me, i'm not perfect and i never will be, i can never do everything, see everything, experience everything, so why bother? i am who i am where i am, that's fine by me. take it or leave it."
and
"i cannot let myself get complacent - i am fine the way i am, but why settle for just fine when i can be good? why settle for good when i can be better? why settle for better when i can be best? it's true that i cannot get everyone to like me, but why not try to make as many friends as i can? i know i cannot do everything, but why not do as much as i can?"
being happy with who you are is a lifelong battle, and that means being unhappy with yourself is a lifelong battle too.
yay.
"i have dreams of orca whales and owls
but i wake up in fear
you will never be my, you will never be my dear
will never be my dear, dear friend."
- hotel song, regina spektor.
Tuesday, 19 May 2009
Tuesday, 12 May 2009
mauvaise foi (bad faith):
a philosophical concept first coined by jean-paul satre to describe the phenomenon wherein one denies one's total freedom, instead choosing to behave as an inert object.
- definition taken from wikipedia as a matter of convenience.
- definition taken from wikipedia as a matter of convenience.
Monday, 11 May 2009
the theory of relativity.
the fact that there are only 21 days left in may is both a stressor and a comfort.
every day that passes brings me one day closer to finding out what my path will be; every day that passes leaves me one less day as an undergraduate.
every hour that passes leaves me one less hour here in eugene with my friends, the ucf house, moss street, the annoyingly unpredictable weather, the u of o; every hour that passes brings me an hour closer to seeing my family again and to going home to the warm weather, subang jaya, yummy food, my extended family, my malaysian friends.
it's weird to think that about a year and a half ago i was a month away from leaving malaysia for what felt like a very long time, and now i'm a month away from leaving eugene for what feels like forever.
so much to do, so much to say, so much to see, so much to enjoy... so much to drink. yes? =)
time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana!
every day that passes brings me one day closer to finding out what my path will be; every day that passes leaves me one less day as an undergraduate.
every hour that passes leaves me one less hour here in eugene with my friends, the ucf house, moss street, the annoyingly unpredictable weather, the u of o; every hour that passes brings me an hour closer to seeing my family again and to going home to the warm weather, subang jaya, yummy food, my extended family, my malaysian friends.
it's weird to think that about a year and a half ago i was a month away from leaving malaysia for what felt like a very long time, and now i'm a month away from leaving eugene for what feels like forever.
so much to do, so much to say, so much to see, so much to enjoy... so much to drink. yes? =)
time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana!
Thursday, 7 May 2009
iFeel...
excited, nervous, comfortable, disappointed, adventurous, intimidated, proud, boring, contented, drained, hopeful, frustrated, inspired, impatient, loved, distant, determined, inadequate, lazy, ambitious, disorganized, cheerful, guilty, grateful, overwhelmed, independent,
conflicted and confused.
"don't you think we oughta know by now?
don't you think we shoulda learned somehow?"
- slow dancing in a burning room, john mayer.
conflicted and confused.
"don't you think we oughta know by now?
don't you think we shoulda learned somehow?"
- slow dancing in a burning room, john mayer.
Wednesday, 22 April 2009
silver white winters that melt into springs.
it's so easy to be happy when it's warm and sunny! it's unbelievable that the temperature's been in the mid- to high 20s (celsius). the daisies, daffodils, bluebells and tulips are so pretty... and the trees are green again. i know the rain and cold are coming back but i'm gonna enjoy wearing shorts and flip-flops all day and leaving my windows open while it lasts.
*sigh of contentment* =)
things floating around in my head that i've been meaning to blog about:
1) ballet
2) the british isles
3) samoa
4) human trafficking
5) counterinsurgency in malaya
6) i-night
7) my birthday
8) my honors thesis
9) post-graduation plans/graduation in a month and a half (!)
10) friends
"no, this is how it works
you peer inside yourself
you take the things you like
and try to love the things you took
and then you take the love you made
and stick into some
someone else's heart
pumping someone else's blood
and walking arm in arm
you hope it don't get harmed
but even if it does
you'll just do it all again."
- on the radio, regina spektor
*sigh of contentment* =)
things floating around in my head that i've been meaning to blog about:
1) ballet
2) the british isles
3) samoa
4) human trafficking
5) counterinsurgency in malaya
6) i-night
7) my birthday
8) my honors thesis
9) post-graduation plans/graduation in a month and a half (!)
10) friends
"no, this is how it works
you peer inside yourself
you take the things you like
and try to love the things you took
and then you take the love you made
and stick into some
someone else's heart
pumping someone else's blood
and walking arm in arm
you hope it don't get harmed
but even if it does
you'll just do it all again."
- on the radio, regina spektor
Friday, 10 April 2009
blackjack!
so here i am on the brink of adulthood.
i don't feel it. i feel 18, 19... 16, sometimes.
it warrants a big celebration, i know, but i feel rather subdued.
the forces that be would like a repeat of my shaolin soccer episode, but i want it to be memorable in a different way. different how exactly, i don't know though.
and it's good friday!
at least i feel better, despite the green muck coming out of my nose (sorry) and annoying cough (that i now have drowsy cough suppressants for!).
but yeah, i think it matters more to me who i spend it with than what i actually do. =)
it's gonna be an interesting day.
goodbye childhood! i promise to continue to regress frequently.
"this is how it works
you're young until you're not
you love until you don't
you laugh until you cry
you cry until you laugh
and everyone must breathe
until their dying breath."
- on the radio, regina spektor
i don't feel it. i feel 18, 19... 16, sometimes.
it warrants a big celebration, i know, but i feel rather subdued.
the forces that be would like a repeat of my shaolin soccer episode, but i want it to be memorable in a different way. different how exactly, i don't know though.
and it's good friday!
at least i feel better, despite the green muck coming out of my nose (sorry) and annoying cough (that i now have drowsy cough suppressants for!).
but yeah, i think it matters more to me who i spend it with than what i actually do. =)
it's gonna be an interesting day.
goodbye childhood! i promise to continue to regress frequently.
"this is how it works
you're young until you're not
you love until you don't
you laugh until you cry
you cry until you laugh
and everyone must breathe
until their dying breath."
- on the radio, regina spektor
Monday, 30 March 2009
can we fix it?
gosh, what a spring break. i don't wanna go to bed because that would mean that the term has officially begun. my last term at the u of o. which means graduation is only two and a half months away.
for those of you who don't know, i spent my spring break up in yakima, wa on a mission trip with my church. we spent the week volunteering with habitat for humanity, which is an organization that builds houses for the poor and the homeless. which means i actually got to do construction work... hard hat, nail belt, power drill and all!
we started off with just the foundation.
then we built and stood up two walls...
and then another two...
and then worked on the garage...
while putting up more walls to divide the house into rooms...
and the last thing we did was put up the beam in the garage.
it would've been nice to stay longer and actually finish the house, but it was still very satisfying, fulfilling, and a total blast. and we were expecting rain and gloom throughout the week but we had gorgeous weather all throughout. the people i went with were amazing... there was such a sense of community, and they were all so much fun! we celebrated mass five times throughout the trip - twice on site - so i got at least 100 hugs when we exchanged the sign of peace (there were 22 of us altogether). that was nice. =)
the first mass on site, with the planks that served as our altar were used to build the walls.
the second mass, which we celebrated "in" the house when the four walls were up. the plank in front of the altar is the one that i wrote on - we all got to write messages or verses on the wood that was used for the walls. that was pretty cool too.
i wish break was longer, so that i could've gone on my mission trip and also spent time with bryan, esh and sean... at least i got to hang out with them for a bit tonight.
oh and btw, i didn't get the B i was hoping for last term... the nerd in me prevailed. on that note, i should really get to bed so i won't be falling asleep in class on the first day of term!
"russian roulette is not the same without a gun
and baby, when it's love if it's not rough it isn't fun."
- poker face, lady gaga. one of the mission trip's theme songs. haha.
for those of you who don't know, i spent my spring break up in yakima, wa on a mission trip with my church. we spent the week volunteering with habitat for humanity, which is an organization that builds houses for the poor and the homeless. which means i actually got to do construction work... hard hat, nail belt, power drill and all!
we started off with just the foundation.
then we built and stood up two walls...
and then another two...
and then worked on the garage...
while putting up more walls to divide the house into rooms...
and the last thing we did was put up the beam in the garage.
it would've been nice to stay longer and actually finish the house, but it was still very satisfying, fulfilling, and a total blast. and we were expecting rain and gloom throughout the week but we had gorgeous weather all throughout. the people i went with were amazing... there was such a sense of community, and they were all so much fun! we celebrated mass five times throughout the trip - twice on site - so i got at least 100 hugs when we exchanged the sign of peace (there were 22 of us altogether). that was nice. =)
the first mass on site, with the planks that served as our altar were used to build the walls.
the second mass, which we celebrated "in" the house when the four walls were up. the plank in front of the altar is the one that i wrote on - we all got to write messages or verses on the wood that was used for the walls. that was pretty cool too.
i wish break was longer, so that i could've gone on my mission trip and also spent time with bryan, esh and sean... at least i got to hang out with them for a bit tonight.
oh and btw, i didn't get the B i was hoping for last term... the nerd in me prevailed. on that note, i should really get to bed so i won't be falling asleep in class on the first day of term!
"russian roulette is not the same without a gun
and baby, when it's love if it's not rough it isn't fun."
- poker face, lady gaga. one of the mission trip's theme songs. haha.
Friday, 13 March 2009
like, omg.
MY FINAL PHILOSOPHY PAPER TOOK FOREVER TO WRITE!
and i still don't think it's deep enough. gah.
BUT i'm going to bed. because i've done all i can.
on a happier note, it is now 1.30am, and this is the latest i've stayed up to work on anything school-related this term.
i must be getting better at not procrastinating!
hehe who am i kidding?
and i still don't think it's deep enough. gah.
BUT i'm going to bed. because i've done all i can.
on a happier note, it is now 1.30am, and this is the latest i've stayed up to work on anything school-related this term.
i must be getting better at not procrastinating!
hehe who am i kidding?
Sunday, 8 March 2009
hot N cold.
it's snowing! heavily! now! why?!
i want spring! i want spring! i want spring!
wow i've procrastinated so much. this week is not going to be fun.
i want spring! i want spring! i want spring!
wow i've procrastinated so much. this week is not going to be fun.
Wednesday, 4 March 2009
deep breath.
monday:
7.30: wake up, wash up, breakfast etc.
9.00: PHIL 213
10:00: BA 316
12.00: eat packed lunch and change into ballet stuff
1.00: ballet
2.00: BA 317
4.00: meeting for mission trip
5.00: change, get dinner
6.00: marketing group meeting
7.00: bible study
8.00: work on group project
8.30: badminton
10.00: home, watch end of the bachelor, call daddy (happy birthday daddy!), shower, read
12.00: sleep
tuesday:
7.30: wake up, wash up
8.00: rec center
9.15: breakfast, shower
10.30: field study/work
1.00: meet marketing professor to get more (deserved) marks on marketing memo, work on assignment for SPED 431 (due at 9pm) in the library, collect assignment from professor's office
3.00: international tea at the house
5.00: clean up, have dinner
6.00: i usually have SPED 431, but we didn't have class this week. was hoping to have the night off, but nope, i had a management group meeting for the presentation we're doing tomorrow, and it took the whole three hours is usually taken up by class.
it's now about 9.30, and i have to study.
because tomorrow i have an exam, a group presentation, and a group project due in class.
7.30: wake up, wash up, breakfast etc.
9.00: PHIL 213
10:00: BA 316
12.00: eat packed lunch and change into ballet stuff
1.00: ballet
2.00: BA 317
4.00: meeting for mission trip
5.00: change, get dinner
6.00: marketing group meeting
7.00: bible study
8.00: work on group project
8.30: badminton
10.00: home, watch end of the bachelor, call daddy (happy birthday daddy!), shower, read
12.00: sleep
tuesday:
7.30: wake up, wash up
8.00: rec center
9.15: breakfast, shower
10.30: field study/work
1.00: meet marketing professor to get more (deserved) marks on marketing memo, work on assignment for SPED 431 (due at 9pm) in the library, collect assignment from professor's office
3.00: international tea at the house
5.00: clean up, have dinner
6.00: i usually have SPED 431, but we didn't have class this week. was hoping to have the night off, but nope, i had a management group meeting for the presentation we're doing tomorrow, and it took the whole three hours is usually taken up by class.
it's now about 9.30, and i have to study.
because tomorrow i have an exam, a group presentation, and a group project due in class.
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