jasmine pearls.

although the sun had to struggle a little bit, today turned out to be a gorgeous day. golden sunshine, blue sky, birds singing, flowers beginning to push their way up... i decided on an impulse to abandon my thick coats and make do with just a t-shirt and hoodie instead (and jeans; i didn't go half-naked, don't worry. or get too excited).

sounds nice, no? the thing is, it was only about 4 degrees outside.

that's the thing about everything appearing to be perfect, isn't it? it gives you a (false) sense of invincibility. when all seems to be going well, it's easy to shed the layers that you have built up around you because they seem superfluous. it's not as difficult to let go of inhibitions, because you feel complacently secure. and that's fine for a while.

but then you have to remember that 4 degrees really still is pretty cold, and that as much as you wish it wasn't, it still is winter. and that spring will come in time. and that maybe you should enjoy winter for what it is instead of rushing through it in your hurry to get it over with.

ah, patience.

"yeah, and i'm just a waste of her energy
and she's just a waste of my time, mm hmm
so why don't we get together
and we could waste everything tonight
and we could waste, and we could waste it all
tonight, yeah."

- wasting time, jack johnson.

thou shalt not.

three women caned under syariah law

whom were they having sex with and were they caned too?
and is it really anybody else's business? or anybody else's place to judge and punish?

oh mickey, you're so fine.

"i can be an idiot... please be magnanimous."

i haven't blogged for a while... almost a month now. quite a lot has happened, and i've been doing some soul-searching as a result. things were never black and white for me, but they seem even more equivocal now. what i want, what i should want, what i should do, where i want to be, why i want to do/be what/where i want to do/be, whom i want to surround myself with. priorities. interestingly i'm not as driven as i usually am to sort it all out in my head. it's scary not feeling in control, but maybe control is an illusion after all.

i think i'll try out this ambiguity for a while. i was told today that i'm "just a baby" at 21; maybe i should revel in the naivete that entitles me to. for a while. a while is all i really have, anyway.

"and all of these moments
just might find their way into my dreams tonight
but i know that they'll be gone,
when the morning light sings
and brings new things,
but tomorrow night you see
that they'll be gone too,
too many things i have to do,
but if all of these dreams might find their way
into my day-to-day scene
i'll be under the impression,
i was somewhere in-between
with only two,
just me and you
not so many things we got to do,
or places we got to be
we'll sit beneath the mango tree now."

- better together, jack johnson.

a you-shaped hole.

it's hard to be completely honest with yourself. which is strange, if you think about it, because trying to lie to yourself is really a lost cause. but still, we try.

it's a rude awakening when you take a long, hard look inside yourself and realise that you are afraid of not getting what you truly want, and that to deal with that fear you've been distracting yourself with lesser things. you've been trying to convince yourself that what is conveniently at hand is what you want when in actual fact, it is probably not. it's just the next best thing.

it's probably toughest to realise that despite being aware of that fear and your "making do", you are afraid of letting go of second-best because maybe second-best is that best you're going to get.

and that's a scary thought.

job 1:21.

2009 was a big year for me. i was rejected, and was accepted. i made tough decisions. i had to say goodbyes, but also said many hellos. i saw all of "the gang". i travelled across four continents. i flew over the grand canyon in a helicopter and watched cirque du soleil in las vegas. i saw the opera house and the twelve apostles. i watched my first west end musical. i attended midnight mass at westminster cathedral for christmas and watched fireworks at the london eye for new year's. i achieved a major life goal. i tried things i had never done before. and i did things i never thought i would do.

from all that i have experienced and learnt over the past year, the main thing that i take away with me is the realisation of how loved i am by my family, and how much i love them, though probably not nearly enough. i owe so much of who i am to them, and without their support the past year would have been a very different year. i have also come to see beyond my immediate family, and am beginning to better appreciate the connection i have with my extended family as well.

and so it was rather fitting that the first emotion i felt in 2010 was one of thankfulness. i have so much, and all i have was given. as i face 2010, full of promise and uncertainty, i pray for the serenity to accept that which i cannot change, the courage to change that which i can, and the wisdom to know the difference. amen.

"welcome to wherever you are
this is your life
you've made it this far
welcome, you've got to believe
that right here right now
you're exactly where you're supposed to be
welcome to wherever you are."

- welcome to wherever you are, bon jovi.

do you?

i wonder what it will be like the next time we meet.

be careful what you wish for.

how is it possible that it is christmas is only 10 days away, 2010 is 17 days away, my trip to australia was four months ago, the end of july was five months ago, i left eugene 6 months ago, and i am less than 6 months from finishing my mphil?

the past week and a half has dragged on longer than the two months of term... with all my extra-curriculars put on hold, most of the grads away for the break, and the depressingly short days, i've taken too many naps, forced myself to sleep in too often, streamed too many tv shows online and eaten way too much.

oh winter, how i loathe thee.

at least there's christmas and new year's to look forward to. or is there?
come on canterbury, dover, bath, bristol and london. try to make christmas back home a little less appealing, will you?

"'cause you're the storm that i've been needing
and all this peace has been deceiving
i like the sweet life and the silence
but it's the storm that i believe in."

- you're the storm, the cardigans.

with or without you.

i wonder what exactly it is that makes us so afraid of being alone?

"if i lie here,
if i just lay here,
would you lie with me
and just forget the world?"

- chasing cars, snow patrol.

>=|

i didn't get to row today because one of my crew overslept!
and i had to wake up at 6.15, cycle in the pouring rain, get out the oars and heavy boat, and cycle back in the pouring rain.
i was completely drenched! and cold. i need waterproofs.
gripegripegripegripe.

rise and shine.

i've discovered that since getting to cambridge, i've felt like i've made it. like i am now enjoying the fruits of my labour, the culmination of my 14 years of school - i'm here, and i have nothing left to prove. i also feel like i have been given a chance to fix all the mistakes i made during my undergrad, to do everything i didn't get a chance to do for the past three and a half years. i love the fact that almost everyone i've met here isn't defined just by what their studying and how well they're doing in class. needless to say, academics is a big part of their lives, but it's not all their lives are about. as it rightfully should not be. everyone knows at least two languages, plays (or used to play) at least one instrument, does a sport, dances...

and i have absolutely reveled in it. in case my past few posts haven't given you enough of an idea, i rowed this morning (all eight of us rowed at the same time for the first time ever!), watched my first silent movie (twice; it might be a big part of my dissertation), played fooseball, had two short naps, watched a couple of episodes of "the big bang theory" (introduced to me by val), played badminton in the evening, looked up possibilities for my end year break, cycled in the pouring rain for rock n roll, kicked someone in the head while trying to do a flip, got dropped once or twice,got kicked in the shins once or twice, and actually managed to complete the flip once or twice...

and i felt guilty.

guilty because i feel that in my determination to avoid a repeat of my nerdhood in help and oregon, i've perhaps tipped the balance a little too much in the opposite direction. i firmly believe that i am here at cambridge for a reason, and i am certain that friends, traveling, badminton, rock n roll, rowing, and church are as much parts of that reason as my classes, research and fancy piece of paper that i get at the end of these 9 months. but i think i need to start looking at it the other way too: my classes, research and fancy piece of paper that i get at the end of these 9 months are as much parts, if not more so, of why i'm here at cambridge as friends, traveling, badminton, rock n roll, rowing and church.

i must, and i will, do my best on my assignments, dissertation, and applications for my phd. that said, i will not drop everything else for it. if i'm going to do well enough, i'm going to do well enough while having the time of my life.

i know there is a master plan, and it's reassuring. but it is also dangerous.
i cannot and must not stop rowing for the shore.
or rowing along the cam. which i have to be up for in about 6 hours!
heh heh.

after that though, there's going to be a noticeable change. hold me to that.