veni, vidi, vici.

3.45 am. taxi. bus. airport. venice! canals. cicchetti. espresso. gelato. grand canal. b&b. balcony. the view. canals. piazza san marco. gelato. bridge of sighs. que sera sera. traghetto. pizza. pasta. bathroom. espresso. the call. balcony. sunshine. canals. wind. clouds. vaporetto. no sunset. cold. tired. shower. pasta. wine. tiramisu. wander. vaporetti station. back. 10.10 pm. no one. stuck. one knee. question. resposta. ring. let's go. let's stay. calle va al forno. garbage bag. puddle. palace. b&b.

que sera sera.

'get up, elephant!'

every once in a while, i find myself going through old posts in my blog and discovering snippets of myself that have faded into the far corners of my memory - snippets that used to be a part of me, snippets that are still a part of me, and snippets that i wanted to be a part of me. it's nice to see that some things haven't changed and to see that some things have, but most of all it's nice to have this window into my past self that i wouldn't have without my blog.

and so it's really quite a pity that i haven't been blogging as often as i used to. then again, it's partly reflective of where i am in life right now - more stable, i think, would be a succinct way of putting it. less angst-y (so less to rant about). plus i'm on a comfortably high plateau where everything is wonderful and if i kept blogging about it i'd make everyone who reads my blog (including future-me) sick.

but i think it's about time i recorded some random bits and pieces that i'd probably like to be reminded about when the present is no longer present. here goes (in no particular order)!

1. i am now the proud owner of six potted plants - thyme, flat-leaf parsley, cactus flowers, gerberas, chrysanthemums, and most recently, orchids. i've always loved having plants around, but i hadn't the slightest inkling of how to take care of them. i always treated them like cut flowers, to be honest - put them where they look nicest, and enjoy them while they last because they won't survive very long! but with this batch of plant-pets, although i still have no idea how to take care of them, i'm taking more of a long-term view of them - watering them regularly, making sure they get enough sunshine, and trying not to let them get too cold (by leaving them near open windows). and it seems to be working! i've had the cactus flowers and gerberas (which i got the earliest) for about three months now and they're not only still alive, but the gerberas are flowering again! i lost one flower before it bloomed, but now there's one that's big and tall and should open any day now, and another one that's starting its journey up. satisfying!

2. badminton has become quite an integral part of me. i'm not an extremely good player, to be sure, but i'm definitely much better than i was before i came to cambridge. i don't just enjoy it for the exercise, but for the social side of it too - the people that i know in college are the ones i play badminton with, and yesterday i played badminton in the malaysian oxbridge games, which helped me to get to know more fellow malaysians here. i played for the oxford team though (long story) and so got to know a few malaysians from oxford too. so yes, i like badminton very much and would take it over going to the gym or going for a run any day (especially with the crazy english weather we've been having lately).

3. english weather is crazy. and cold. and wet. i know it makes the uk as green and pretty as it is (the rain, that is), and if there wasn't winter  there wouldn't be spring (which is currently my favouritest season by far, at least when it behaves like spring should, and not like winter)... but it's something i would prefer to avoid. especially in a place like cambridge where i have to cycle everywhere.

4. the intervention i've been working on has been hard work, but really valuable hands-on experience too. it's been thought-provoking talking to the mothers of children with autism - seeing their pain, their determination, their weariness... but most of all their love. it has taught me tact when dealing with them and their children (prior to this intervention autism was more theory than a reality to me), and also helped me realise what a vocation and super-full-time job parenthood is.

i could go on, but i think i'll leave the rest for another time. to be continued!

déjà vu.

'pra que chorar
se o sol já vai raiar
se o dia vai amanhecer
pra que sofrer
se a lua vai nascer
é só o sol se pôr
pra que chorar
se existe amor
a questão é só de dar
a questão é só de dor

quem não chorou
quem não se lastimou
não pode nunca mais dizer
pra que chorar
pra que sofrer
se há sempre um novo amor
em cada novo amanhecer.'

- pra que chorar, vinicius de moraes

what doesn't kill you makes you fat.

i just stumbled upon something i wrote when i was on the way back from malaysia in january, and thought it quite relevant to post now:

i wonder if it's better to be realistic or idealistic. on the one hand, realism keeps expectations in check, it means you're less likely to be disappointed. but on the other hand, idealism enables you to dream and to believe that dreams do come true.

there's more to lose by being idealistic - or isn't there? you 'lose' more simply because you hope for more, but if you don't imagine the seemingly impossible, isn't that 'losing' too? because there's a lot less of a chance that you may one day realise the seemingly impossible? but maybe that's what it is - maybe you don't feel like you lose as much simply because you don't know that you're missing out. a case of ignorance being bliss.

but once you've experienced the ideal - the dream, the seemingly impossible that you had stopped yourself from desiring, it's hard to go back. you begin to worry that if you start being realistic, you'll destroy the magic. maybe if you continue being idealistic, the dream will continue, because now you would be working with destiny instead of telling destiny what it can and cannot do.

but then what happens if the ideal is not meant to last? if the dream is really more a daydream, and you're meant to enjoy it for a while and then go back to reality? what if going back to being realistic is the way to keep the ideal going?

is it possible to be realistic and idealistic, at the same time?

I

The Owl and the Pussy-cat went to sea
In a beautiful pea green boat,
They took some honey, and plenty of money,
Wrapped up in a five pound note.
The Owl looked up to the stars above,
And sang to a small guitar,
'O lovely Pussy! O Pussy my love,
What a beautiful Pussy you are,
You are,
You are!
What a beautiful Pussy you are!'


II

Pussy said to the Owl, 'You elegant fowl!
How charmingly sweet you sing!
O let us be married! too long we have tarried:
But what shall we do for a ring?'
They sailed away, for a year and a day,
To the land where the Bong-tree grows
And there in a wood a Piggy-wig stood
With a ring at the end of his nose,
His nose,
His nose,
With a ring at the end of his nose.

III

'Dear pig, are you willing to sell for one shilling
Your ring?' Said the Piggy, 'I will.'
So they took it away, and were married next day
By the Turkey who lives on the hill.
They dined on mince, and slices of quince,
Which they ate with a runcible spoon;
And hand in hand, on the edge of the sand,
They danced by the light of the moon,
The moon,
The moon,
They danced by the light of the moon.

- the owl and the pussycat, edward lear.

sucking too hard on your lollipop.

they say to reach for the moon because even if you miss, you'll land among the stars.
i guess stars are cool, but what if you really had your heart set on the moon?


"and suppose i never ever met you
suppose we never fell in love
suppose i never ever let you
kiss me so sweet and so soft

suppose i never ever saw you
suppose we never ever called
suppose i kept on singing love songs
just to break my own fall."

- fidelity, regina spektor.

midsummer night's dream.

"tô louca pra te ver chegar
tô louca pra te ter nas mãos
deitar no teu abraço, retomar o pedaço
que falta no meu coração

eu não existo longe de você
e a solidão é o meu pior castigo
eu conto as horas pra poder te ver
mas o relógio tá de mal comigo
porquê?

porquê?"

- fico assim sem você, adriana calconhotto.

grab somebody sexy tell 'em hey.

LA has been a lesson in joint attention, MLUs, and engagement;
a revision of independence, self-sufficiency and ambition;
and a reminder of friendship, hospitality and generosity.

i might even go so far as saying it was worth the nightmare that was the journey from LHR to LAX. =)

there is no cake.

it's weird to be back in the states. i keep experiencing flashes of familiarity, of memories that had been tucked away somewhere in my mind. the brands sold in grocery stores, the restaurants available, the american dollars and quarters, the tv shows and ads, mass... it's strange, i think, because the us never really became home for me and yet this is where i spent almost two years of my life, so i'm surprised when things are recognizable, and surprised when things appear foreign.

it doesn't help that i came over here alone, leaving loved ones behind, just like i did almost four years ago... but this time i'm just here for a few weeks, and i'm meeting up with people from such different stages of my life - an old friend from secondary school, an old friend from the university of oregon, and my family. it's a confusing mix of same and different.

more than anything, it's the emotional flashbacks that i wasn't quite expecting. i now remember how much i turned inwards while i was here, how much self-reflection i did. i remember how independent and self-sufficient i was almost forced to become. but at the same time, being here has reminded me that it wasn't all bad, and that this part of me is still there if i ever need it.

i now see how i've had a lot of strong wind, earthquake, fire and walking on water since i've left the states, and while i was here there was a lot more of the quiet whispering.

on a separate note, people here say i speak with a british accent, but people in the uk say i sound american. last week someone asked me how they say 'lunch' in the uk.

por isso, meu amor.

nao tenha medo de sofrer
que todos os caminhos me encaminham pra voce.

it is better to have loved and lost, than to live with a psycho for the rest of your life.

"you were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
you shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days.
ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
but let there be spaces in your togetherness,
and let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

love one another, but make not a bond of love:
let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
sing and dance together and be joyous,
but let each one of you be alone,
even as the strings of a lute are alone
though they quiver with the same music.

give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
for only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
and stand together yet not too near together:
for the pillars of the temple stand apart,
and the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow."

- the prophet, on marriage; khalil gibran.