this free fall's, got me so.

i think i'll need another holiday after this one. it's been a lot of fun, i've been productive, and i've also had one or two days of doing absolutely nothing... but somehow i don't feel rested. i'm tired.

all in all, my year at cambridge (bar the last month) felt like more of a holiday than these past three months. there's irony for you.

birds can fly so high and they can shit on your head.

so i've reached that point again when i go, "right, i'm done with this. what's next?"

there's only so much sitting around i can do.

hit me baby one more time.

i was in the car with shwe ying when britney spears was played on the radio...
so we did the only thing we could have done: turn it way up and sing along at the top of our lungs. good stuff. =)

"sometimes i run
sometimes i hide
sometimes i'm scared of you
but all i really want is to hold you tight
treat you right
be with you day and night
baby all i need is time."

- sometimes, britney spears.

both of best worlds.

i think it's interesting how the familiar can become unfamiliar and the unfamiliar can become familiar.
and how sometimes we get tired of the familiar and start to look for the unfamiliar in the familiar.
and how sometimes we try to look for the familiar in the unfamiliar.
and how none of the above is necessarily good or bad.
sometimes the unfamiliar becomes so familiar that you fear it becoming unfamiliar again.
and sometimes the familiar is so familiar that you forget it is familiar.
and you wonder how much unfamiliarity will make you miss familiarity.
and how much familiarity will be needed to balance out the unfamiliarity.
and also, perhaps, how much unfamiliarity is needed to recognise familiarity.

infinity plus one.

"beribu bintang di langit kini menghilang
meraba aku dalam kelam
rembulan mengambang, kini makin suram
pudar ilhamku tanpa arah

izinkan ku mencuri bayangan wajahmu
izinkan ku mencuri khayalan denganmu

maafkanlah oh, andai lagu ini menganggu ruangan hidupmu
kau senyumlah oh, sekadar memori kita di arena ini

kau ilhamku."

- kau ilhamku, man bai.

serais ce possible alors?

of the three times i've come home after being away for a year, this time i feel the most different.

"eu sei e você sabe que a distância não existe
que todo grande amor só é bem grande se for triste
por isso, meu amor, não tenha medo de sofrer
que todos os caminhos me encaminham pra você...

assim como viver
sem ter amor não é viver
não há você sem mim
e eu não existo sem você."

- eu não existo sem você, tom jobim e vinicius de moraes.

do you remember?

a smell.
a song.
a picture.
a word.
a place.
a tree.
a flower.
a video.

how much of you is your past?

mei you yu xia ye hao.

i'm having another one of those phases where it feels like there is a lot going on inside my head, but when i take a closer look there isn't really all that much.

i think i'm just recovering from the madness that was last month, and getting used to the madness that is india. i'm just too tired for now to enjoy the whole process of discovering a new place, meeting new people, starting new projects etc., especially with the heat, the smells, the foreign language, and the squatting toilets. at least i have mangoes.

and the sense of accomplishment. though for some reason i'm not as happy as i thought i'd be... maybe it hasn't had a chance to sink in yet.

i want to watch the world cup! especially now that they've moved beyond the group stages!

and... i want to go home!

and it's the 28th of june.

and i wish i could go for a walk right now.

and i want to go to the beach.

and i want to walk around in shorts.

but i also wanted to be in india.

two halves make a hole.

i don't like the feeling of not being all there - of being in one place physically but having the rest of me somewhere else. i remember feeling this way in the states, in a slightly different way; when i was in one point in time physically, but always felt like i was living first in the past and then in the future.

but yeah, i don't like the feeling, because it stops me from fully enjoying where i am and the people i'm with, and doesn't help me get to where i want to be any sooner.

i want to be in india yesterday!

saudade.

i could complain. i could gripe, moan, rant... wallow.
but i've done enough of that. it doesn't really change things anyway.
for now (at least for the next couple of hours, before the effects of a certain phone call wear off. and the wine.), i shall focus on the positive.

i was reminded today of how lucky i am to have been given this opportunity to study here. here in my university, in my department, with my supervisor. i mean, how often do you get invited to a small dinner party with the heads of your department? more than that, how often do you get invited to a small dinner party with the heads of your department, and get treated as an equal? further, to a small dinner party with the head of department of another university in another country, so you can network and lay the foundations for your research and career?

and then comparing the way i was able to interact with them to someone who has not studied here, i saw, in a way i had not before, just how far i've come. how i was able to see things differently, to look one step ahead, to have my arguments laid out, to have the guts to stick to my opinion even under attack, and to have the courage to admit i don't know something. i mean this in the humblest of ways - it's not a set of skills i came here equipped with, and to be honest, i'm not sure how far outside of this bubble i can apply the same paradigm.

but the point is, i now have a better handle on this system. and this is an important system to have a handle on, because it is a system with many doors and many ladders. doors that i will have to walk up to and open on my own, and ladders that i will have to climb one rung at a time, but doors and ladders nevertheless.

"there's too many things that i haven't done yet
too many sunsets
i haven't seen
you can't waste the day wishing it'd slow down
you would've thought by now
i'd have learned something

i made up my mind when i was a young girl
i've been given this one world
i won't worry it away
but now and again i lose sight of the good life
i get stuck in a low light
but then love comes in

how far do i have to go to get to you
many the miles
many the miles
how far do i have to go to get to you
many the miles
but send me the miles and i'll be happy to
follow you, love."

- many the miles, sara bareilles.