chega de saudade.

i think i've forgotten how to be excited for christmas. after spending it away from home and family for three years, and spending those three christmases mostly alone, i think i've learnt to associate it with nostalgia and a tinge of sadness.

it doesn't help that the days get ridiculously short (by my standards anyway) and that it gets uncomfortably cold in december. especially because i seem to be powered by sunshine and (relative) warmth.

this past week has reminded me of how i've spent the last three decembers, and i don't like it. it's the loneliness. watching multiple shows online every day (i'm now up to date on the apprentice, the big bang theory, how i met your mother, desperate housewives, and glee). sleeping, and always trying to sleep more because it fills time. eating alone. deciding whether it's worth taking a shower or not. you get the idea.

but every once in a while, when i look out the window at snowy rooftops, or cycle up king's parade (when it's not windy, raining or snowing), or overhear a tour guide, or have a productive day at work, or remember the places i've been and the things i've seen, or think of the people i have in my life... i'm filled with an immense sense of gratitude for being where i am today. and i feel like such a brat for complaining!

so. homeward-bound tomorrow. i'm very glad to be going home to spend christmas with the pushparatnams and leows once again. and i'm looking forward to spending time with the gang. and i'm extremely happy about getting away from the cold and coats, and going back to 12 hours of sunlight a day and shorts! and char siew and nasi lemak and chee cheong fan and...

but. at the same time, i know this christmas is going to be associated with nostalgia and a tinge of sadness as well. and you know, in a twisted way, i'm actually grateful for that as well - because i know why those feelings will be there, and i think it's a reason to be thankful for.