carrot.

"if it's love
and we decide that it's forever
no one else could do it better

if it's love
and we're two birds of a feather
then the rest is just whenever

and if i'm addicted to loving you
and you're addicted to my love too
we can be them two birds of a feather
that flock together

love, love
got to have something to keep us together
love, love
that's enough for me."

- if it's love, train.

relativity.

never before has a period of time seemed to me both so short and so painfully long at the same time.

it must happen with you.

2010 was the best year of my life thus far. bring on 2011!

"i've had the time of my life
no, i've never felt this way before
and i swear, this is true
and i owe it all to you...

... dirty bit."

- the time (dirty bit), black eyed peas.

chega de saudade.

i think i've forgotten how to be excited for christmas. after spending it away from home and family for three years, and spending those three christmases mostly alone, i think i've learnt to associate it with nostalgia and a tinge of sadness.

it doesn't help that the days get ridiculously short (by my standards anyway) and that it gets uncomfortably cold in december. especially because i seem to be powered by sunshine and (relative) warmth.

this past week has reminded me of how i've spent the last three decembers, and i don't like it. it's the loneliness. watching multiple shows online every day (i'm now up to date on the apprentice, the big bang theory, how i met your mother, desperate housewives, and glee). sleeping, and always trying to sleep more because it fills time. eating alone. deciding whether it's worth taking a shower or not. you get the idea.

but every once in a while, when i look out the window at snowy rooftops, or cycle up king's parade (when it's not windy, raining or snowing), or overhear a tour guide, or have a productive day at work, or remember the places i've been and the things i've seen, or think of the people i have in my life... i'm filled with an immense sense of gratitude for being where i am today. and i feel like such a brat for complaining!

so. homeward-bound tomorrow. i'm very glad to be going home to spend christmas with the pushparatnams and leows once again. and i'm looking forward to spending time with the gang. and i'm extremely happy about getting away from the cold and coats, and going back to 12 hours of sunlight a day and shorts! and char siew and nasi lemak and chee cheong fan and...

but. at the same time, i know this christmas is going to be associated with nostalgia and a tinge of sadness as well. and you know, in a twisted way, i'm actually grateful for that as well - because i know why those feelings will be there, and i think it's a reason to be thankful for.

two thousand words.

love, amsterdam, 13 november 2010.

christmas market, prague, 6 december 2010.

apakah "hak" sebenarnya?

negaraku.

the more i read about post-colonial malaysian history, outside of our history textbooks and the malaysian media, the more i understand why we are where we are today, and the more i doubt we will ever get out of this vicious cycle.

i think the malaysians of my generation in particular, of all races and religions, have been done a great injustice, and malaysians, again of all races and religions, will inevitably face the consequences. i know i sound pessimistic and cynical when i say this, but i can't help but feel like this is probably as close to 1malaysia as we will get.

25 years.

"do you love me?

do i what?

do you love me?

do i love you?
with our daughters getting married
and this trouble in the town
you're upset, you're worn out
go inside, go lie down!
maybe it's indigestion..

golde, i'm asking you a question... do you love me?

you're a fool!

i know... but do you love me?

do i love you?
for twenty-five years i've washed your clothes
cooked your meals, cleaned your house
given you children, milked the cow
after twenty-five years, why talk about love right now?

golde, the first time i met you
was on our wedding day
i was scared

i was shy

i was nervous

so was i

but my father and my mother
said we'd learn to love each other
and now i'm asking, golde
do you love me?

i'm your wife!

i know... but do you love me?

do i love him?
for twenty-five years i've lived with him
fought with him, starved with him
twenty-five years, my bed is his
if that's not love, what is?

then you love me?

i suppose i do

and i suppose i love you too

it doesn't change a thing
but even so
after twenty-five years
it's nice to know."

- do you love me?, fiddler on the roof.

cem palavras.

last night i dreamt of a kitten that kept trying to bite me and then i realised it was a vampire kitty and it was sucking my blood.

and then i dreamt that i walked into a pool of water and when i walked out my legs were covered in leeches.

and then i dreamt that i was in the middle of a war and i was trying to hide from "them" and "they" found me and were taking me to a concentration camp.

strange in itself, but even stranger that these dreams followed what was a very good day.

"oh i know that the music's fine like sparkling wine
go and have your fun."

- save the last dance for me, the drifters.

on giving.

and what is fear of need but need itself?
is not dread of thirst when your well is full, thirst that is unquenchable?

- the prophet, khalil gibran.