por isso, meu amor.

nao tenha medo de sofrer
que todos os caminhos me encaminham pra voce.

it is better to have loved and lost, than to live with a psycho for the rest of your life.

"you were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
you shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days.
ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
but let there be spaces in your togetherness,
and let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

love one another, but make not a bond of love:
let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
sing and dance together and be joyous,
but let each one of you be alone,
even as the strings of a lute are alone
though they quiver with the same music.

give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
for only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
and stand together yet not too near together:
for the pillars of the temple stand apart,
and the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow."

- the prophet, on marriage; khalil gibran.

september.

today, i learnt that it is easier to not know what to expect but to hope something good will happen,

than to not know what to expect but to hope that what you want will happen.

carrot.

"if it's love
and we decide that it's forever
no one else could do it better

if it's love
and we're two birds of a feather
then the rest is just whenever

and if i'm addicted to loving you
and you're addicted to my love too
we can be them two birds of a feather
that flock together

love, love
got to have something to keep us together
love, love
that's enough for me."

- if it's love, train.

relativity.

never before has a period of time seemed to me both so short and so painfully long at the same time.

it must happen with you.

2010 was the best year of my life thus far. bring on 2011!

"i've had the time of my life
no, i've never felt this way before
and i swear, this is true
and i owe it all to you...

... dirty bit."

- the time (dirty bit), black eyed peas.

chega de saudade.

i think i've forgotten how to be excited for christmas. after spending it away from home and family for three years, and spending those three christmases mostly alone, i think i've learnt to associate it with nostalgia and a tinge of sadness.

it doesn't help that the days get ridiculously short (by my standards anyway) and that it gets uncomfortably cold in december. especially because i seem to be powered by sunshine and (relative) warmth.

this past week has reminded me of how i've spent the last three decembers, and i don't like it. it's the loneliness. watching multiple shows online every day (i'm now up to date on the apprentice, the big bang theory, how i met your mother, desperate housewives, and glee). sleeping, and always trying to sleep more because it fills time. eating alone. deciding whether it's worth taking a shower or not. you get the idea.

but every once in a while, when i look out the window at snowy rooftops, or cycle up king's parade (when it's not windy, raining or snowing), or overhear a tour guide, or have a productive day at work, or remember the places i've been and the things i've seen, or think of the people i have in my life... i'm filled with an immense sense of gratitude for being where i am today. and i feel like such a brat for complaining!

so. homeward-bound tomorrow. i'm very glad to be going home to spend christmas with the pushparatnams and leows once again. and i'm looking forward to spending time with the gang. and i'm extremely happy about getting away from the cold and coats, and going back to 12 hours of sunlight a day and shorts! and char siew and nasi lemak and chee cheong fan and...

but. at the same time, i know this christmas is going to be associated with nostalgia and a tinge of sadness as well. and you know, in a twisted way, i'm actually grateful for that as well - because i know why those feelings will be there, and i think it's a reason to be thankful for.

two thousand words.

love, amsterdam, 13 november 2010.

christmas market, prague, 6 december 2010.

apakah "hak" sebenarnya?

negaraku.

the more i read about post-colonial malaysian history, outside of our history textbooks and the malaysian media, the more i understand why we are where we are today, and the more i doubt we will ever get out of this vicious cycle.

i think the malaysians of my generation in particular, of all races and religions, have been done a great injustice, and malaysians, again of all races and religions, will inevitably face the consequences. i know i sound pessimistic and cynical when i say this, but i can't help but feel like this is probably as close to 1malaysia as we will get.