with or without you.

i wonder what exactly it is that makes us so afraid of being alone?

"if i lie here,
if i just lay here,
would you lie with me
and just forget the world?"

- chasing cars, snow patrol.

>=|

i didn't get to row today because one of my crew overslept!
and i had to wake up at 6.15, cycle in the pouring rain, get out the oars and heavy boat, and cycle back in the pouring rain.
i was completely drenched! and cold. i need waterproofs.
gripegripegripegripe.

rise and shine.

i've discovered that since getting to cambridge, i've felt like i've made it. like i am now enjoying the fruits of my labour, the culmination of my 14 years of school - i'm here, and i have nothing left to prove. i also feel like i have been given a chance to fix all the mistakes i made during my undergrad, to do everything i didn't get a chance to do for the past three and a half years. i love the fact that almost everyone i've met here isn't defined just by what their studying and how well they're doing in class. needless to say, academics is a big part of their lives, but it's not all their lives are about. as it rightfully should not be. everyone knows at least two languages, plays (or used to play) at least one instrument, does a sport, dances...

and i have absolutely reveled in it. in case my past few posts haven't given you enough of an idea, i rowed this morning (all eight of us rowed at the same time for the first time ever!), watched my first silent movie (twice; it might be a big part of my dissertation), played fooseball, had two short naps, watched a couple of episodes of "the big bang theory" (introduced to me by val), played badminton in the evening, looked up possibilities for my end year break, cycled in the pouring rain for rock n roll, kicked someone in the head while trying to do a flip, got dropped once or twice,got kicked in the shins once or twice, and actually managed to complete the flip once or twice...

and i felt guilty.

guilty because i feel that in my determination to avoid a repeat of my nerdhood in help and oregon, i've perhaps tipped the balance a little too much in the opposite direction. i firmly believe that i am here at cambridge for a reason, and i am certain that friends, traveling, badminton, rock n roll, rowing, and church are as much parts of that reason as my classes, research and fancy piece of paper that i get at the end of these 9 months. but i think i need to start looking at it the other way too: my classes, research and fancy piece of paper that i get at the end of these 9 months are as much parts, if not more so, of why i'm here at cambridge as friends, traveling, badminton, rock n roll, rowing and church.

i must, and i will, do my best on my assignments, dissertation, and applications for my phd. that said, i will not drop everything else for it. if i'm going to do well enough, i'm going to do well enough while having the time of my life.

i know there is a master plan, and it's reassuring. but it is also dangerous.
i cannot and must not stop rowing for the shore.
or rowing along the cam. which i have to be up for in about 6 hours!
heh heh.

after that though, there's going to be a noticeable change. hold me to that.