amazed.

"it just keeps getting better..."

- amazed, lonestar.

and so it was.

christmas was alright. i think that about sums it up.

i spent the morning of my christmas eve with the pushparatnams over skype - they were all at my place after midnight mass for photos and presents. talking to them was bittersweet... but it was nice to still be a part of it. we even managed to camwhore! =P that evening i went over to dick and peggy's, and there was a nice big package waiting for me. i was so excited about opening it even though i knew most of what was inside... coconut candy, kaya, murukku, pineapple tarts... yumyum. as much as i loved the food, even better were the letters that my parents and anthea put in for me.

i think the two 10 sen coins have to be one of the best presents ever. =)

peggy and dick had their extended family over for dinner on christmas eve, which wasn't awkward but a teensy bit uncomfortable for me. i think it was mainly because i was putting the pushparatnams in their position, and although we welcome other people to join in our celebrations we (at least the cousins) prefer to have christmas all to ourselves... this time i was the outsider and i felt like i was intruding, so i spent some time in my room watching mindless tv so they could have some family time. i went for midnight mass with sean and his parents (midnight mass actually started at midnight lol, as "d'oh!" as it sounds. in malaysia it usually starts at about 10/10.30pm), which was pretty good, but i think mass in our badminton hall with plastic chairs and freezing air-conditioning beats it flat. i missed fr oc and fr simon. oh one upside was that i actually found something pretty to wear! i hadn't bought any new clothes for christmas this year, only sweatpants, a hoodie and a coat, all of which aren't midnight mass material. i was mixing and matching the stuff that i'd brought with me from my dorm to the house that i'd been living in so i could decide what to pack to dick and peggy's (see how much moving around and downsizing i have to do!), and i finally hit on using the gorgeous shawl i got from kolkata... and i was satisfied with the end effect. no pictures tho, because i brought my camera, but left the cord to charge it with in my dorm room lol. sorry! i mean it's me, i had to forget something right? =P

christmas day i made my first ever gingerbread house, which started off quite pretty but then kinda deteriorated as i ran out of ideas and rushed to get it done so we could go over to peggy's daughter's for dinner. but it doesn't look too bad la. =) dinner wasn't very eventful... when we got home i called mel and we finally had a nice (relatively) long chat, which we hadn't had in too long. that was probably the highlight of my christmas day, and was as much a christmas present to me as it was to her. =) then i watched some mindless tv... and fell asleep to the pitter patter of the rain.

and that, ladies and gentlemen, was my first christmas away from home.

kinda-sorta-maybe-semi-related, semi-random quote:
"did ever any man believe in horsemanship, and not in horses? or in flute-playing, and not in flute-players?"
- the apology of socrates, plato.

don't worry if you don't see any connections... i doubt anyone will.
just think about it.

tried and true.

it's been a lazy but busy, relaxing yet draining, unproductive yet fruitful break so far. two things it has undoubtedly been though, is interesting and unhealthy. i had a lot of firsts - i made my first snowman, followed by my first snowduck, tried cross-country skiing for the first time, had my first donut here, made nasi lemak, chicken curry and pisang goreng for the first time ever (and they all tasted really yummy!), cut down my first christmas tree (well i watched, but it counts), saw and stood in snowfall for the first time, traveled by train for the first time here, and missed eugene for the first time. that's not all too, there are more... but these are the ones more worth mentioning. =)

oh and i went to watch the nutcracker today! i'm not sure if that's a first too, 'cause i vaguely remember watching part of it at least... but it was absolutely awesome. it wasn't perfect, but i enjoyed every bit of it. i miss ballet! seeing the pirouettes and pointe shoes and petit jetes made my feet itch. the dancers did a job of entertaining the non-twinkle-toed in the audience too, by incorporating other well-known, more "secular" moves - herr drosselmeyer moonwalked and did part of the "pacifist's" thriller, the mouse king did the macarena, and another of the mice cranked dat soulja boy! it was hilarious. i'm glad i went.

the pangs of homesickness have intensified, and i can't sing "i'm dreaming of a white christmas" anymore because it's so far removed from the truth. it doesn't help that the different families and homes i've spent time in and with have only served to put my family and friends back home on an even higher pedestal. i miss all of you so, so much...

but the practical conclusion i've come to is that moping and pining for home isn't gonna make my christmas here any more bearable or enjoyable, for myself and the people around me, people that are so generously going out of their way to ensure that i don't celebrate christmas alone. so. i'm not expecting the waves of homesickness (and refined sugar cravings, unfortunately) to disappear anytime soon, but i'm planning to make the most of what i have (and give in to my gluttony - it makes me feel better. until i swallow. then i just get warmer. which isn't necessary now i have a nice new coat.).

being here has also made me realized why so many people see christmas as over-commercialized and an exploitation of us slaves to consumerism. the lights, gifts, trees, wreaths and ubiquitous christmas carols hold no meaning on their own. if that were all christmas was to me i wouldn't like it very much. it would be so superficial, so frivolous, so... theatrical. like a flamboyant sound and light show with overpriced tickets that you're forced to attend.

christmas means more.
that statment isn't just another cliche to me now.

i'll be home for christmas.

i just re-realized that christmas is a week away!

"i'm dreaming tonight of a place i love
even more than i usually do
and although i know it's a long road back
i promise you

i'll be home for christmas
you can count on me
please have white curry and black mutton
and presents by the tree

christmas eve will find me
where the love light gleams
i'll be home for christmas
if only in my dreams."

- i'll be home for christmas, slightly edited by me.
it's been sung by so many people i don't know who the original artiste is.

on the road again.

i've seen it snow! i haven't actually been in the snow while it was falling but i've seen it falling and that's a first step i guess. =) i've got a nice new warm coat so i haven't become a popsicle yet. and of course there's also all my added natural insulation too, so i guess i'm pretty well-protected against the rain and wind and snow (on the ground) and low temperatures.
i'm currently in hood river/mosier, about an hour away from portland, visiting suzi who was my chemickstry class- and lab-mate. it was really nice of her to invite me over to spend the week with her family here, and we'll be going to portland for a couple of days too.

i've spent a few hours in portland already, actually, with her dad, while waiting for her and her mom to fly in from new york. their flights got delayed because of the weather. portland's a lot more built up than eugene and klamath falls, and it was actually kinda weird to see so many tall building so close together after not seeing a city since kuala lumpur. one of those things you don't realize you haven't experienced for a while until you actually do, if that makes sense. we're going to choose and cut down a christmas tree soon, which will be a completely new experience for me.. so that should be cool. all my life christmas trees have been dusty and have always come out of a box. =P

i got here yesterday from klamath falls, where sean and i visited bryan and his family for a couple of days. that's where i saw the snow, by the way. and it only snowed the morning sean and i were leaving, so i guess i was lucky to have caught it at the very last minute. otherwise i would have blamed bryan for getting my hopes up since he's always touted k-falls as "the land of the ice and snow". =P i enjoyed k-falls... the town was very quiet, especially since we were there on a sunday, and it had a quaint, old feel to it. bryan's family (and bryan too) was really hospitable and made us feel right at home, and like when i visited sean's family for thanksgiving, it's always nice to be in a home environment again. =)

the highlights for me, besides the snow, were sean and bryan attending mass with me, which i was glad for, and making dumplings at bryan's grandmother's place. and getting to climb up a ladder to sleep in bryan's youngest sister's bed, since she was away. oh and also playing a really lousy game of bowling lol. i had fun. thanks bryan... i might actually start considering you a friend now. maybe. =P

that felt like a really disjointed post... my brain's on holiday mode.
til next time!

fishbowl.

"how i wish, how i wish you were here
we're just two lost souls swimming in a fishbowl
year after year
running over the same old ground
what have we found?
the same old fears
wish you were here."

- wish you were here, pink floyd.

i'm really not as emo as my blog makes me appear to be. =)

k-falls tomorrow!
let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!

inevitable.

aw man... i'm so bummed that i didn't get to talk to you today.
i was really looking forward to it.
it feels so weird to not be a part of all these major events in your life, you know? especially since you were very much a part of them in mine.
i feel like i'm missing out...
you're growing up so fast. but i guess that means i am too, huh?
oh and i'm going to watch the nutcracker ballet just before christmas! wish you were here.
anyway.
have fun! i'm sure you will. =)

"do you remember when we were just kids
and cardboard boxes took us miles from what we would miss
schoolyard conversations taken to heart
and laughter took the place of everything we knew we were not..."

- inevitable, anberlin.

all at sea.

hello world,

it feels like it's been a while since i've spent some time with you. have you missed me? i half-wish i could say i've missed you terribly but i think you deserve the truth and in all honesty i haven't been pining for you as much as i feel i should. i hope you aren't hurt by that, but you know what? i don't think you should. because i feel as if you don't really need me anyway. i might be wrong.

see i feel as if i've been spending a lot of time alone lately, and i'm actually quite liking it. it scares me sometimes, you know, because i feel as if i should need you more. and that if i need you more you might need me more too. but the thing is, i'm not quite sure if i want you to need me more. do you want me to need you more?

on one hand, i'm afraid that if i keep my distance from you as i am doing now, straining on the fragile, flimsy, fickle connection i have with you, it might be severed and i'll find myself adrift with no means of getting back to shore. and i might get seasick. i wouldn't like that. besides, i like sandcastles and coconut trees too.

but on the other hand, i feel as tho if i strengthen the ties between us i'd lose the freedom i have now, the independence i value so much. if you start needing me more i don't know if i would be able to meet your needs. i might flounder a bit, struggling to stay afloat, unable to disengage, before being dragged down by your deadweight. and then i'd drown. i wouldn't like that either.

i know, i know... it's all about finding the right balance between the two extremes. between seasickness and drowning, tho, seasickness seems to be the lesser evil.

just thought you should know. hope to hear from you soon!

love, me.

"i'm all at sea
where no one can bother me
forgot my roots
if only for a day
just me and my thoughts
sailing far away

like a warm drink it seeps into my soul
please just leave me right here on my own
later on you could spend sometime with me
if you want to, all at sea"

- all at sea, jamie cullum.

all my bags are packed...

again.
moving out of my dorms and moving into a house peggy found for me for about a week or so. it was really sweet of her.
it just feels like i have to start all over again.
i know it's irrational and it's break and i'll probably (hopefully) have fun and i should be glad to get out of the dorms for a bit.
but my cramped, messy dorm room has become a variant of "home" for me, and it feels like i'll be away from my home away from home for a whole month. which relative to the three months i've been here is a fair amount of time.
maybe it's just because of the packing.
the last time i packed it was to come over here.

... i'm gonna sleep this off. g'night.

"maybe in five or ten yours and mine will meet again
straighten this whole thing out
maybe then honesty need not be feared as a friend or an enemy
but this is the distance
and this is my gameface."

- vienna, the fray.

o sense of urgency, where art thou?

as you can tell from my title, my kiasu-ism has been m.i.a. for the past week or so. it's been weird, but... nice. =) i've been studying, but i don't/didn't feel as anxious or as worried about my exams as i usually do. maybe it's because i felt prepared from all the work i put in over the term, maybe i just didn't care as much, maybe i was just plain lazy. but i've been ridiculouly happy considering it's been dead week/finals week. my lit and cog dev papers went as well as they could have, i think... for chemickstry today i could answer everything except for one quantum mechanicks question at the very end. but i think at most one person out of the whole class would've gotten it so oh well. =)

i'm guessing the other reason i'm experiencing a mood lift is the weather. it's been raining and raining and raining and raining and raining and raining and raining and raining... and i thought the rain would make me miserable but surprisingly i'm loving it! for one, it's raised the temperature by about 10 degrees (celsius), so i can walk around without freezing my nose and hands off. secondly, i can have my windows open again - from 19 years of having windows open pretty much 24/7, having to have my windows shut for days on end hasn't been very nice. it also feels more like home... the air's balmier so it feels friendlier somehow. and the wind, oh my gosh the wind... it's been absolutely fantastic. it reached about 50mph/80kmph yesterday, and i quite enjoyed being blown about. as long as the temperature stays in this range for a while, i say bring on the rain and the wind! i'll take it with a smile.

today's been such a pretty day. =)

i really should be studying for my last paper. lol.

growing up.

it's december! and advent's here! which means christmas is coming!

yesterday, for reasons unknown to myself, i listened to josh groban's christmas carols... and it reminded me of the shows the pushparatnam cousins (used to) put on for the pushparatnam adults. gosh we must've done it for like 10 years before we got too old for it. i especially remember trying to sing in parts, as well as the "magic" shows we did. hehe. good times.

i'm done with classes for the term... soon i'll have new classes to fall asleep in. =P i have two papers tomorrow - lit and cog dev, and then chem on tue, and chem lab on wednesday. i honestly haven't started studying for any of my finals yet, cos i've been so busy working on the big assignments that were due last week... but hopefully the groundwork i've been doing over the term will help pull me through.

on friday i was told that i seem to have grown up since i got here... that i seem less naive. and that got me thinking about whether i really have grown, or if they're just beginning to see the sides of me that they hadn't seen before. i think it's a bit of both. i think people rarely get an accurate first impression of me, and it takes quite a while for the whole me to be unearthed and understood. i like it that way. at the same time, i feel as if i've matured over the past three months somewhat... and i've discovered just how independent i am (which scares myself sometimes), but how that doesn't mean i don't need people.

on thursday lucy (from the moss street children's center) climbed into my lap, and as i was sitting there holding her in my arms, i realized how my supply of hugs has gone down drastically since i got here, and how much i actually miss it.

i've also been thinking a lot about my academic future, and narrowing down the field i wanna end up working in. it's intimidating, and yet so incredibly exciting that all these abstract, airy-fairy castles in the air i used to have about what i wanna do are becoming increasingly concrete. things are coming together, or at least they seem to be for now. it's always nice to have a sense of purpose.

i'm gonna be 20 next year.