amazed.

"it just keeps getting better..."

- amazed, lonestar.

and so it was.

christmas was alright. i think that about sums it up.

i spent the morning of my christmas eve with the pushparatnams over skype - they were all at my place after midnight mass for photos and presents. talking to them was bittersweet... but it was nice to still be a part of it. we even managed to camwhore! =P that evening i went over to dick and peggy's, and there was a nice big package waiting for me. i was so excited about opening it even though i knew most of what was inside... coconut candy, kaya, murukku, pineapple tarts... yumyum. as much as i loved the food, even better were the letters that my parents and anthea put in for me.

i think the two 10 sen coins have to be one of the best presents ever. =)

peggy and dick had their extended family over for dinner on christmas eve, which wasn't awkward but a teensy bit uncomfortable for me. i think it was mainly because i was putting the pushparatnams in their position, and although we welcome other people to join in our celebrations we (at least the cousins) prefer to have christmas all to ourselves... this time i was the outsider and i felt like i was intruding, so i spent some time in my room watching mindless tv so they could have some family time. i went for midnight mass with sean and his parents (midnight mass actually started at midnight lol, as "d'oh!" as it sounds. in malaysia it usually starts at about 10/10.30pm), which was pretty good, but i think mass in our badminton hall with plastic chairs and freezing air-conditioning beats it flat. i missed fr oc and fr simon. oh one upside was that i actually found something pretty to wear! i hadn't bought any new clothes for christmas this year, only sweatpants, a hoodie and a coat, all of which aren't midnight mass material. i was mixing and matching the stuff that i'd brought with me from my dorm to the house that i'd been living in so i could decide what to pack to dick and peggy's (see how much moving around and downsizing i have to do!), and i finally hit on using the gorgeous shawl i got from kolkata... and i was satisfied with the end effect. no pictures tho, because i brought my camera, but left the cord to charge it with in my dorm room lol. sorry! i mean it's me, i had to forget something right? =P

christmas day i made my first ever gingerbread house, which started off quite pretty but then kinda deteriorated as i ran out of ideas and rushed to get it done so we could go over to peggy's daughter's for dinner. but it doesn't look too bad la. =) dinner wasn't very eventful... when we got home i called mel and we finally had a nice (relatively) long chat, which we hadn't had in too long. that was probably the highlight of my christmas day, and was as much a christmas present to me as it was to her. =) then i watched some mindless tv... and fell asleep to the pitter patter of the rain.

and that, ladies and gentlemen, was my first christmas away from home.

kinda-sorta-maybe-semi-related, semi-random quote:
"did ever any man believe in horsemanship, and not in horses? or in flute-playing, and not in flute-players?"
- the apology of socrates, plato.

don't worry if you don't see any connections... i doubt anyone will.
just think about it.

tried and true.

it's been a lazy but busy, relaxing yet draining, unproductive yet fruitful break so far. two things it has undoubtedly been though, is interesting and unhealthy. i had a lot of firsts - i made my first snowman, followed by my first snowduck, tried cross-country skiing for the first time, had my first donut here, made nasi lemak, chicken curry and pisang goreng for the first time ever (and they all tasted really yummy!), cut down my first christmas tree (well i watched, but it counts), saw and stood in snowfall for the first time, traveled by train for the first time here, and missed eugene for the first time. that's not all too, there are more... but these are the ones more worth mentioning. =)

oh and i went to watch the nutcracker today! i'm not sure if that's a first too, 'cause i vaguely remember watching part of it at least... but it was absolutely awesome. it wasn't perfect, but i enjoyed every bit of it. i miss ballet! seeing the pirouettes and pointe shoes and petit jetes made my feet itch. the dancers did a job of entertaining the non-twinkle-toed in the audience too, by incorporating other well-known, more "secular" moves - herr drosselmeyer moonwalked and did part of the "pacifist's" thriller, the mouse king did the macarena, and another of the mice cranked dat soulja boy! it was hilarious. i'm glad i went.

the pangs of homesickness have intensified, and i can't sing "i'm dreaming of a white christmas" anymore because it's so far removed from the truth. it doesn't help that the different families and homes i've spent time in and with have only served to put my family and friends back home on an even higher pedestal. i miss all of you so, so much...

but the practical conclusion i've come to is that moping and pining for home isn't gonna make my christmas here any more bearable or enjoyable, for myself and the people around me, people that are so generously going out of their way to ensure that i don't celebrate christmas alone. so. i'm not expecting the waves of homesickness (and refined sugar cravings, unfortunately) to disappear anytime soon, but i'm planning to make the most of what i have (and give in to my gluttony - it makes me feel better. until i swallow. then i just get warmer. which isn't necessary now i have a nice new coat.).

being here has also made me realized why so many people see christmas as over-commercialized and an exploitation of us slaves to consumerism. the lights, gifts, trees, wreaths and ubiquitous christmas carols hold no meaning on their own. if that were all christmas was to me i wouldn't like it very much. it would be so superficial, so frivolous, so... theatrical. like a flamboyant sound and light show with overpriced tickets that you're forced to attend.

christmas means more.
that statment isn't just another cliche to me now.

i'll be home for christmas.

i just re-realized that christmas is a week away!

"i'm dreaming tonight of a place i love
even more than i usually do
and although i know it's a long road back
i promise you

i'll be home for christmas
you can count on me
please have white curry and black mutton
and presents by the tree

christmas eve will find me
where the love light gleams
i'll be home for christmas
if only in my dreams."

- i'll be home for christmas, slightly edited by me.
it's been sung by so many people i don't know who the original artiste is.

on the road again.

i've seen it snow! i haven't actually been in the snow while it was falling but i've seen it falling and that's a first step i guess. =) i've got a nice new warm coat so i haven't become a popsicle yet. and of course there's also all my added natural insulation too, so i guess i'm pretty well-protected against the rain and wind and snow (on the ground) and low temperatures.
i'm currently in hood river/mosier, about an hour away from portland, visiting suzi who was my chemickstry class- and lab-mate. it was really nice of her to invite me over to spend the week with her family here, and we'll be going to portland for a couple of days too.

i've spent a few hours in portland already, actually, with her dad, while waiting for her and her mom to fly in from new york. their flights got delayed because of the weather. portland's a lot more built up than eugene and klamath falls, and it was actually kinda weird to see so many tall building so close together after not seeing a city since kuala lumpur. one of those things you don't realize you haven't experienced for a while until you actually do, if that makes sense. we're going to choose and cut down a christmas tree soon, which will be a completely new experience for me.. so that should be cool. all my life christmas trees have been dusty and have always come out of a box. =P

i got here yesterday from klamath falls, where sean and i visited bryan and his family for a couple of days. that's where i saw the snow, by the way. and it only snowed the morning sean and i were leaving, so i guess i was lucky to have caught it at the very last minute. otherwise i would have blamed bryan for getting my hopes up since he's always touted k-falls as "the land of the ice and snow". =P i enjoyed k-falls... the town was very quiet, especially since we were there on a sunday, and it had a quaint, old feel to it. bryan's family (and bryan too) was really hospitable and made us feel right at home, and like when i visited sean's family for thanksgiving, it's always nice to be in a home environment again. =)

the highlights for me, besides the snow, were sean and bryan attending mass with me, which i was glad for, and making dumplings at bryan's grandmother's place. and getting to climb up a ladder to sleep in bryan's youngest sister's bed, since she was away. oh and also playing a really lousy game of bowling lol. i had fun. thanks bryan... i might actually start considering you a friend now. maybe. =P

that felt like a really disjointed post... my brain's on holiday mode.
til next time!

fishbowl.

"how i wish, how i wish you were here
we're just two lost souls swimming in a fishbowl
year after year
running over the same old ground
what have we found?
the same old fears
wish you were here."

- wish you were here, pink floyd.

i'm really not as emo as my blog makes me appear to be. =)

k-falls tomorrow!
let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!

inevitable.

aw man... i'm so bummed that i didn't get to talk to you today.
i was really looking forward to it.
it feels so weird to not be a part of all these major events in your life, you know? especially since you were very much a part of them in mine.
i feel like i'm missing out...
you're growing up so fast. but i guess that means i am too, huh?
oh and i'm going to watch the nutcracker ballet just before christmas! wish you were here.
anyway.
have fun! i'm sure you will. =)

"do you remember when we were just kids
and cardboard boxes took us miles from what we would miss
schoolyard conversations taken to heart
and laughter took the place of everything we knew we were not..."

- inevitable, anberlin.

all at sea.

hello world,

it feels like it's been a while since i've spent some time with you. have you missed me? i half-wish i could say i've missed you terribly but i think you deserve the truth and in all honesty i haven't been pining for you as much as i feel i should. i hope you aren't hurt by that, but you know what? i don't think you should. because i feel as if you don't really need me anyway. i might be wrong.

see i feel as if i've been spending a lot of time alone lately, and i'm actually quite liking it. it scares me sometimes, you know, because i feel as if i should need you more. and that if i need you more you might need me more too. but the thing is, i'm not quite sure if i want you to need me more. do you want me to need you more?

on one hand, i'm afraid that if i keep my distance from you as i am doing now, straining on the fragile, flimsy, fickle connection i have with you, it might be severed and i'll find myself adrift with no means of getting back to shore. and i might get seasick. i wouldn't like that. besides, i like sandcastles and coconut trees too.

but on the other hand, i feel as tho if i strengthen the ties between us i'd lose the freedom i have now, the independence i value so much. if you start needing me more i don't know if i would be able to meet your needs. i might flounder a bit, struggling to stay afloat, unable to disengage, before being dragged down by your deadweight. and then i'd drown. i wouldn't like that either.

i know, i know... it's all about finding the right balance between the two extremes. between seasickness and drowning, tho, seasickness seems to be the lesser evil.

just thought you should know. hope to hear from you soon!

love, me.

"i'm all at sea
where no one can bother me
forgot my roots
if only for a day
just me and my thoughts
sailing far away

like a warm drink it seeps into my soul
please just leave me right here on my own
later on you could spend sometime with me
if you want to, all at sea"

- all at sea, jamie cullum.

all my bags are packed...

again.
moving out of my dorms and moving into a house peggy found for me for about a week or so. it was really sweet of her.
it just feels like i have to start all over again.
i know it's irrational and it's break and i'll probably (hopefully) have fun and i should be glad to get out of the dorms for a bit.
but my cramped, messy dorm room has become a variant of "home" for me, and it feels like i'll be away from my home away from home for a whole month. which relative to the three months i've been here is a fair amount of time.
maybe it's just because of the packing.
the last time i packed it was to come over here.

... i'm gonna sleep this off. g'night.

"maybe in five or ten yours and mine will meet again
straighten this whole thing out
maybe then honesty need not be feared as a friend or an enemy
but this is the distance
and this is my gameface."

- vienna, the fray.

o sense of urgency, where art thou?

as you can tell from my title, my kiasu-ism has been m.i.a. for the past week or so. it's been weird, but... nice. =) i've been studying, but i don't/didn't feel as anxious or as worried about my exams as i usually do. maybe it's because i felt prepared from all the work i put in over the term, maybe i just didn't care as much, maybe i was just plain lazy. but i've been ridiculouly happy considering it's been dead week/finals week. my lit and cog dev papers went as well as they could have, i think... for chemickstry today i could answer everything except for one quantum mechanicks question at the very end. but i think at most one person out of the whole class would've gotten it so oh well. =)

i'm guessing the other reason i'm experiencing a mood lift is the weather. it's been raining and raining and raining and raining and raining and raining and raining and raining... and i thought the rain would make me miserable but surprisingly i'm loving it! for one, it's raised the temperature by about 10 degrees (celsius), so i can walk around without freezing my nose and hands off. secondly, i can have my windows open again - from 19 years of having windows open pretty much 24/7, having to have my windows shut for days on end hasn't been very nice. it also feels more like home... the air's balmier so it feels friendlier somehow. and the wind, oh my gosh the wind... it's been absolutely fantastic. it reached about 50mph/80kmph yesterday, and i quite enjoyed being blown about. as long as the temperature stays in this range for a while, i say bring on the rain and the wind! i'll take it with a smile.

today's been such a pretty day. =)

i really should be studying for my last paper. lol.

growing up.

it's december! and advent's here! which means christmas is coming!

yesterday, for reasons unknown to myself, i listened to josh groban's christmas carols... and it reminded me of the shows the pushparatnam cousins (used to) put on for the pushparatnam adults. gosh we must've done it for like 10 years before we got too old for it. i especially remember trying to sing in parts, as well as the "magic" shows we did. hehe. good times.

i'm done with classes for the term... soon i'll have new classes to fall asleep in. =P i have two papers tomorrow - lit and cog dev, and then chem on tue, and chem lab on wednesday. i honestly haven't started studying for any of my finals yet, cos i've been so busy working on the big assignments that were due last week... but hopefully the groundwork i've been doing over the term will help pull me through.

on friday i was told that i seem to have grown up since i got here... that i seem less naive. and that got me thinking about whether i really have grown, or if they're just beginning to see the sides of me that they hadn't seen before. i think it's a bit of both. i think people rarely get an accurate first impression of me, and it takes quite a while for the whole me to be unearthed and understood. i like it that way. at the same time, i feel as if i've matured over the past three months somewhat... and i've discovered just how independent i am (which scares myself sometimes), but how that doesn't mean i don't need people.

on thursday lucy (from the moss street children's center) climbed into my lap, and as i was sitting there holding her in my arms, i realized how my supply of hugs has gone down drastically since i got here, and how much i actually miss it.

i've also been thinking a lot about my academic future, and narrowing down the field i wanna end up working in. it's intimidating, and yet so incredibly exciting that all these abstract, airy-fairy castles in the air i used to have about what i wanna do are becoming increasingly concrete. things are coming together, or at least they seem to be for now. it's always nice to have a sense of purpose.

i'm gonna be 20 next year.

my triangle.

if you have some time to kill...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o2Z6tDSb6c8

yay sesame street. =P

doodles.

it's the last week of classes for my first term at the u of o. wow.

they were playing disney songs at work today, and i was hit by a wave of childhood nostalgia.

as much as i complain about the decisions i have to make, and as frustrated as i am about how difficult making those decisions are, i have realized that i wouldn't have it any other way (from a discussion with bryan).

relationships (whether platonic or romantic) can only last if both parties are willing to share the changes in themselves, and embrace the changes in the other, and to accept that they are different and always will be (from a discussion with sean/sean's family).

advent begins next week - it's gonna be my first christmas in my 19 years on earth that i'll be spending without the pushparatnams.

the temperature has dropped below freezing already.

every tuesday and thursday i drag myself out of bed in the wee hours of the morning and wish i didn't have to go to work... but the kids always do something that bring a smile to my face and make it worthwhile.

i've been getting random flashbacks about home.

i've been listening to piano pieces on itunes lately... it's soothing.

i haven't talked to my friends back home in a long while.

a wave of work is looming behind me (i still have my back turned on it) and is gonna crash over me pretty soon. and it's not gonna be pretty.

i'm glad i'm doing psychology.

i don't think winter break will be as bad as i thought it would be.

i bumped into joon while i was having lunch today, and we were talking, i guess with a malaysian accent but with good grammar and no lahs... and the friends he was with went, "we didn't understand a word you said! were you speaking english?" haha.

samy vellu in "the star" today: "In this country (malaysia), we are very open ... I have never seen a government which is more open."
hmm. it'll be interesting to see where this goes.

maybe.

"and all the roads we have to walk are winding,
and all the lights that light the way are blinding..."

-wonderwall, oasis.

sloth.

it's been a good break. a lazy break, but a good one nonetheless.

thanksgiving was awesome... it was really nice of sean to invite me to spend thanksgiving with his family. the food was great - we had turkey, squash soup, mashed potatoes, sweet potato rolls, salad, apple pie and my favorite - french beans with shrimp that tasted like home. the vegetables were actually crunchy! =P

but what i liked best was just being in a family atmosphere again after so long. and especially after hearing so many depressing statistics about how many marriages end in divorce, and how many children grow up in single parent homes, and how many children are abused and neglected, and after capturing the friedmans, it was nice to be in a loving and respectful home environment. reassuring. yeah, so thanks sean. =)

i've also watched a whole load of movies over the past few days, it's pretty unbelievable. on wednesday i watched "the bourne identity" and part of "the bourne supremacy", on thursday i finished "the bourne supremacy" and watched "lost in translation" at sean's. then on friday i watched my first ever movie at the cinema here in america with yayoi and sean - we watched "beowulf", which i happen to be reading for my lit class at the moment, and that night i watched "ocean's 11" online. and today i watched "gone with the wind". hehe. of all the movies i have to say... "beowulf" was the best. especially if you've read the epic. in fact, i encourage you to read the epic first before watching the movie - it's the first good adaptation i've seen from book to screen. i think the plot twists that have been added on are amazing... they add so much more depth to the story. go watch.

thankfully, i've done more than just watch movies and eat this holiday - i went shooting today! with like real firearms! i tried... a rifle and a shotgun. i think. i'm not sure if i got the names right. but it was a lot of fun! sean, david, akiko and i went up into the hills and shot empty "apple cider" cans. turns out i've got better aim than i thought i did, so don't piss me off. especially when i have a gun. =P

that's been my long weekend so far - got one day left tomorrow. one more day til all my work comes crashing down on me again. it's so bad that i've barely done anything over the past four days... i think the problem is that this break kinda gives me the illusion that i have a whole lotta time to get everything done, when in fact i don't. it's hard to get motivated when deadlines are more than 24 hours away. >.<

anyway. it's been fun. good, mindless fun. =)

capturing the friedmans.

we watched "capturing the friedmans" in cognitive development today... man, was it disturbing. the movie/documentary was about a father and son (arnold and jesse friedman) who were accused of sodomizing and abusing boys who took computer and piano classes under arnold. arnold and jesse repeatedly maintained their innocence, and there was a lot of ambiguity about whether or not the children were giving accurate information or if their stories were false memories.

the thing is, it's really easy to lead a child into believing something really happened when it didn't, which was something we studied in class. apparently the children were asked a lot of leading questions - there's a difference between saying "did jesse do anything to you?" versus "jesse touched you, didn't he?". and a few of the children later admitted that they said they were sodomized because they felt pressured to do so, and that they wanted the questioning to end. parents said that investigators pressed children into saying they were abused - when a child said nothing had happened the investigators said they knew something did happen and they wanted the children to tell them the details. one child was sent to therapy by his parents and underwent hypnosis, which has been found to sometimes plant memories, and through hypnosis the boy remembered or "remembered" a repressed memory of being sodomized - his first memory of anything of that sort.

on the other hand, arnold was found to have stacks and stacks of paedophilic material. he admitted to being a paedophile, and said he had his first sexual encounter when he was 13 and his brother was 8. his brother doesn't remember anything about it, but his brother is now gay. i don't know if there is a connection between the two. arnold's mother divorced his father when he was really young, and his mother shared a room with him and his brother. and she used to bring her boyfriends into the room and have sex with her sons present. it's so messed up.

in the end, both arnold and jesse pleaded guilty - arnold pleaded guilty because he hoped to save jesse, and jesse pleaded guilty later because he didn't think he had a chance of being found innocent against the public hysteria, so he was hoping for a lighter sentence by pleading guilty. he was 19. arnold later committed suicide.

oh, and arnold's son/jesse's older brother is the best birthday clown in new york.

'nuff said.

more psychocology.

i had my daycare debate today! which was cool for two reasons:

1. my professor decided to divide the class into groups and have us research particular topics intensively and then debate and write a paper on it, instead of having a final. so i'm glad it's done! (the debate, not the paper... if only.) and i think it went well. =)
2. i haven't done debate in such a long time... i can't believe it's been over 2 years! gosh. working with my daycare team was fun, but it was nowhere near debating with yin and val. those were the days.

oh, and i got my draft for my paper back today too... the one i was working on all night. turns out not sleeping to work on it has it's adverse effects too - in my references section i italicized the titles of the journal articles, which weren't supposed to be italicized, and didn't italicize the titles of the journals, which were supposed to be italicized.
and i didn't just do it for one reference - i did it for ALL of them. lol.
but i got a good score on it, so no harm done, thankfully.

next up:
1. my lit paper due next monday. i'm probably gonna do a comparative analysis of the didactic roles of gilgamesh and rama... which is as much fun as it sounds. it's not too bad, really.
2. i have to watch and write a short paper on beowulf cos we're reading it in class now... anyone seen it? is it any good? and...
3. my first thanksgiving ever! i'm looking forward to it. =)

psych(o)ed me.

i just conducted my first ever experiment on a kid! muahahaha.
i messed up a little here and there, but i think it went pretty well overall... i'm learning. the kid warmed up pretty quick and wasn't traumatized or anything. hehe.
basically the experiments are to find out if the kid has what's called theory of mind, which in layman terms is whether or not the kid understands that other people may have desires and beliefs that may differ from their own, and that these desires and beliefs may or may not affect behavior.
so we just play games with the kids and tell them stories and then ask them questions... good stuff.
getting involved in this is great for me cause i'm pretty interested in doing research as part of my future career, so hands-on experience is valuable.

i was talking to the grad student whose research study this is, and i realized that i've actually done quite a lot in the two months i've been here - i've gotten a major-related job, gotten an internship that actually gives me a chance to run experimental sessions, which is rare, and completed two 400-level psych courses. i think i've started out pretty well. =)

now i just have to keep the momentum going.
and study quantum mechanics for tomorrow. (boooo...)

transition.

so i haven't been updating my blog as frequently as i used to... i don't think it's a sign of its impending doom - not just yet anyway. i think it's just cos i've been getting more settled here, and the more settled i get the more i sink into a kinda routine and so everything doesn't seem as novel or as blog-worthy as it used to. routine gives things a sense of familiarity. it's pretty amazing to think that i've only been here for a little over two months - it seems like way, way longer.

and i can't decide if this is a good or bad thing, but i'm gonna have to abandon my familiar rhythm and get used to a different beat pretty soon. term's almost over! in two weeks i'll be having my finals, and after finals it'll be winter break for about a month, and then i'll be on to my second term here. so i feel like i've been faced with a lot of (relatively) big decisions over the past week or so. short-term decisions, like whether and where to travel, where to stay, whether to get a job, what subjects to take next term, how many credits to take on... and then there are the long -term decisions, like whether or not to change my academic plan, looking into grad schools, narrowing my career focus, deciding which psych lab i should affiliate myself with, what my honors thesis could be about, thinking about whether i should do a post grad in psych or now maybe education... so many choices. it's making me feel all grown up. kinda.

one thing i am grateful for tho, is that i'm 100% sure that psychology is the major for me. i'm doing two psych classes, a lit class and a chem class and i'm enjoying my psych classes so much better and doing really well in them. chem's the worst for me this term - we started on quantum mechanics this week and my professor covered the whole chapter in just three lectures. he was just speeding through the material and it all went straight over my head. swoosh. it's crazy. i wouldn't be stretching the truth by saying it's all greek to me, because it really is! with psi and sigma and nu and lambda... and planck's constant and eigenfunctions and bohr models... ugh. i have a quiz on it on monday.

anyhow. i just got back from brunch, and i really enjoyed the walk back. i was reminded me really strongly about subang (that's home to me, all you american people... that's right, up in the trees.)... it's like there was a storm from about 1-4pm, with lots of lightning and thunder. i'd have stayed home, probably curled up on the sofa in my living room with a book, and then probably taken a nap. and it's now about 6pm and i go out for a walk... the sky's still all gloomy and the ground is strewn with leaves cos the wind was blowing through the trees pretty hard. but it's still now, with the occasional breeze. and it's cold (well "cold", now that i'm here). and i go to one of the parks nearby just to sit on a bench for while... breathing in the moisture in the air and feeling the humidity on my skin.

but... it's nice here too. i like how there's always something pretty to look at. =) it's been sorta cleaned up now, but at one point there were piles of leaves everywhere. it looked really messy, but i liked it - it was kinda like having my room with me wherever i went. haha.

that was quite an aimless ramble huh?

YAY! =D

I JUST FOUND MY RING!
it was in the honors college lounge, in front of the computer i used last wednesday... why i took it off and put in on the table to use the com i'll never know.
laugh at me all you want but i don't care because I HAVE IT BACK!
you were right melmel. =)

and i just found out i did brilliant (that's british for awesome, sean and bryan) in my second cognitive development midterm - even better than i did in my first, which i didn't think possible.

i'm happy.
in case you haven't noticed.
=D

lemons.

i've decided to draw on ping's favorite quote:
"when life hands you lemons, make lemonade."

i'm gonna put in so much sugar in my lemonade i'll be diabetic before i'm through.
and i'll put in a shot or two (or three or four) of vater (har har.) just for the fun of it.
and then i'm gonna enjoy it, every last drop.

and i'm gonna try very hard not to think about milo ais.

objects are objects are objects.

i never really thought i was one to have attachments to anything material... sure i value the things that i have, and i don't like losing things in general (who does?) but i didn't think i'd be THIS affected.
i keep telling myself that we're more than anything we own, and i know that.
but still.
it sucks pretty bad. actually, it sucks really bad.

i'm still kicking myself.
why can't i remember what i did with it?!
this is why people shouldn't give me nice things. >.<

22 years!

happy anniversary mummy and daddy!
it's not the 9th here yet, but it is back home...
glad you haven't gotten sick of each other yet. =)
love you!

alanis and jason.

"it's like rain on your wedding day
it's a free ride when you've already paid
it's the good advice that you just didn't take
and who would've thought it figured?

a traffic jam when you're already late
a no-smoking sign on your cigarette break
it's like ten thousand spoons
when all you need is a knife
it's meeting the man of my dreams
and then meeting his beautiful wife
and isn't it ironic, don't you think?"

-ironic, alanis morisette

you know what else is ironic?
you staying up all night to work on a paper, and then your professor announcing that she's decided to extend the deadline.
woooohoo.

anyhow, staying up all night was quite an experience. suddenly i had so much time! and the rest of my week is looking pretty good now i've gotten most of the major stuff out the way. it's so weird that i felt so alive yesterday - except for like an hour or two. i wanted to put up a post about it then but didn't wanna speak to soon, cos the full effects usually hit when you actually do get some sleep. but today wasn't bad! sure, i was falling asleep in chem and i feel tired now, but it's really nothing out of the ordinary. and i probably looked worse than usual, but i only bumped into joon and goen - goen's a girl and joon doesn't count, so no harm there. =)

my verdict on staying up all night:
in this case it was definitely worthwhile, but i don't think i'll be doing it again anytime soon. i'm not gonna push my luck.

this evening i was walking around with a slight smile on my face - something i haven't caught myself doing in a while.
maybe it was because the sun was out. maybe not.

"i reckon it's again my turn
to win some or learn some."

- i'm yours, jason mraz.

isn't that an awesome way to look at life?

he, she and her.

he runs along an invisible path, as fast as he can, looking at me saying, "i wun, i wun"... then he falls - unintentionally or not i don't know, sitting down hard on his bum. it doesn't hurt him or anything. he looks around mildly and then says, "i fall" to no one in particular. he sits there for a moment, then he grabs a handful of leaves from the ground and sorta chucks it in front of himself. he grabs another handful, with the other hand this time, and throws it ahead again. seemingly satisfied, he gets up and walks... aimlessly, but contentedly.

she sees her blowing bubbles. "issy's turn, issy's turn!" she says, head tilted up as far as it can go. when this doesn't work she become increasingly agitated, sorta running on the spot. "issy's turn bo bubs!" she wants her turn, but is distracted by the pretty bubbles - purple, amber and a brownish green. she forgets about doing her little dance for a while - trying to get a finger into a big bubble just out of reach. she reaches, reaches, reaches... and then topples over, landing on her bum. she gets up and frowns. "issy's turn!", more insistently this time.

she looks down, smiles, and gets on one knee, bubble wand in one hand, bottle of bubble solution in the other. "okay, lucy's turn," she says. she blows, but her lips are kinda pressed together with her bottom lip sticking a bit further out, so she's blowing up into her fringe. she tries again, this time with a crease between her eyebrows.

she laughs, not unkindly, and says, "look lucy, put your mouth like this," shaping her mouth into an "o", "and then you blow. gently." her next attempt's an improvement, and on her fourth try she actually manages to produce two bubbles. small ones. but she's too focused on the wand and on getting her blowing right that she fails to notice them.

"look, you did it!", she says, pointing to the small bubbles. she looks at her, surprised, and by the time she shifts her attention to the bubbles they've popped.

she turns her eyes back to the bubble wand, bringing her lips so close to it that they probably tasted bitter the next time she ran her tongue over them. she shapes her mouth into an "o" and blows. hard. a bubble half forms, and then pops before leaving the wand.

she laughs, gets back on her feet and blows bubbles down toward her. she smiles and waves her hands around, jumping, popping as many of them as she can.

he catches her eye. "wun, wun!" he urges, beginning another of his laps. she smiles to herself, a pursed up kinda smile, and grabs her by the hand. "run, lucy, run!" she says, taking tiny steps to match her pace. when they complete the lap he falls on his bum again; she throws herself on the ground, and she throws herself on top of her, giggling. she lies there, in the damp leaves, looking up at the tree that was covered in yellow leaves just last week. today its knobbly branches and spindly twigs create a lattice, contrasted against the murky sky above. it's murky, but she has to squint to look up anyway.

and she just lies there, looking up, with leaves in her hair.
her with her runny nose, lying on top of her and giggling close to her face.
and him, saying, "i fall" to no one in particular, playing with his leaves.

fleeting significance.

it's 3.17am.

and i'm still awake. just finished working on my social development draft that's due tomorrow at 12, and i have work from 7.30 to 11 which means i needed to finish it tonight. didn't help that i had a cog dev midterm earlier, followed by a lit quiz. work tomorrow also means i have to be up in about... 3 hours. i think i'll just stay awake - if i go to sleep waking up is gonna be hell. would be interesting to see how i turn out tomorrow, cos i've never really tried it out. i know i'll probably regret it and kivk myself for being so stupid tho, especially since it's just monday. hmm.

some much needed laughs from the game now known as "jewish holiday":






and my all-time favorite:

we should play again soon.

i'm sick...

...of reading research articles.

but here's something i thought i'd share:
in research concerning the effects of child maltreatment, it has been found that more negative outcomes are associated with neglect alone, in comparison to a combination of neglect and abuse or abuse alone. in other words, kids prefer being "acknowledged" by their parents or caregivers, even if it means abuse, rather than simply being left alone but not abused.

such is the need we have for human contact.
scary, huh?

undiscovered.

"well the time it takes to know someone
it all can change before you know it's gone
so close your eyes and feel the way i'm with you now
believe there's nothing wrong

you think that i want to run and hide
that i keep it all locked up inside but i just want you to find me

i'm not lost, i'm not lost, just undiscovered
and when we're alone, we're all the same as each other

i'm not running, I'm not hiding
if you dig a little deeper, you will find me..."

-undiscovered, james morrison.

evil pacman got the malaysian farmer!

in case you're wondering what my title's about (which you probably are), a bunch of us were playing this drawing game thing at sean's last night where everyone writes a phrase/word down, and then passes it on to the next person who has to draw it, and then fold over the phrase/word and pass it on to the next person, who has to guess what the picture is and write down the phrase/word, and then fold over the picture and pass it on to the next person... until it comes back to the person who wrote the original word/phrase down. sorry if that didn't make sense! yeah so anyway, i wrote down "ducks vs devils", since that was the game we were gonna watch today - the oregon ducks against the arizona state sun devils. and when it got back to me, it had evolved into "evil pacman chasing a malaysian farmer". that was pretty funny, as were a few of the others we came up with. =)

yeah so anyway, we won the game today! yay. and it was a pretty big deal from what i gather, cos they're ranked higher than us and now we have a shot at the national championship and stuff like that. i'm still not that into it, but at least i know when to cheer and why people boo and what "safety" means, which is good improvement i think. =) everyone was really revved up! i think there were close to 60,000 people at autzen, which was a record high. the way people booed the stray asu (arizona state uni) supporters who wandered into our section was kinda amusing. asu had guts tho - they brought their own flags and ran round the field whenever their team scored a touchdown or a field goal, and they even had their own motorbike riding in before their players! which is specifically a uo thing, i think. the game started at 3.30pm, so by the time it ended it was all dark. would've joined the rest for dinner if i didn't feel a little under the weather, hopefully something i can sleep off >.< i'll go for doco's? dough co.'s? soon guys! when i can enjoy it properly.

so now i'm back "home" (i.e. my room - still feels weird calling it home), and probably gonna have an early night. probably should get some work done too, boo. will put up pics from the game soon, tho they're not that much different from the pictures of past games. we just all have more clothes on. =P

right. til next time! =)

where the sun don't shine.

my feet are so FAIR!

halloween, kit, kids and sastera.

wow, has it really been a week since i've posted? time's a-flying!

well, this week was definitely better than last week... i had more fun, more sleep, and more exercise. =) oh and i also had my first halloween! i didn't actually do anything on the actual day, but i partied the weekend before. in summary:

1. looking like a nerd one night and an emo the next wasn't too difficult for me. not necessarily a good thing.
2. i made new GIRL friends, yay. fooding at sierra and kelly's was a lot of fun... i actually had a semi-meaningful conversation in mandarin! and i heard "aiyo" for the first time in ages! (kelly's singaporean)
3. iball was a blast! good job isa people! =)
4. don't drink alcohol on an empty stomach, when you're really tired, when you had alcohol the night before, or any combo of the three. lol.
5. "crank dat soulja boy" was overplayed, but i had a blast dancing to it over and over and over and over again.
6. i still haven't carved pumpkins. =(
7. i still don't know how girls could and can walk around with their super-short skirts and minimal tops - i was wearing three layers and i was still cold!
8. sean's been hanging around romandy a lot.

kit had his birthday the day before halloween, so happy birthday buddy! wish i could be there to celebrate it with you and everyone else... i was thinking about it and i realized that it was the first surprise birthday party i've missed since we started having surprise birthday parties for the gang. and that was like, 5 years ago! emofying. anyway, i hope you had a great one!

hmm, what else? work's been getting better... there's nothing like having a kid voluntarily climb into your lap. or run to you for a hug. or turn to you for comfort. and it's hard not to have favorites! i like kids. i still don't like diapers tho, but i'm getting better! oh and speaking of kids, i'm volunteering/interning with a grad student who's carrying out research about theory-of-mind (basically how and when children learn that people have their own beliefs and feelings that may or may not guide their behavior), and we've been practicing the scripts... i'm really excited about running actual experiments! i'm helping out with making phone calls to recruit participants too, and i got us our very first participant! woot. =)

in lit class we just finished with the ramayana, which i enjoyed. with the odyssey, which we did before this, i felt kinda disadvantaged because almost everyone else in class had done it in high school, and the closest i had come to it was watching troy. greek mythology was something i hadn't really been exposed to either. the ramayana was something i was definitely more familiar with, and it's amazing how i felt such a strong cultural connection with it. the way the characters talked, their beliefs, the society... even the names were easier to pronounce. i didn't expect to identify so strongly with it, so it was a pleasant surprise, and a reminder of home.

and probably the most amazing thing is, the lit i learnt in high school back home actually helped! that's right, fellow malaysians, bm sastera is not completely useless! on monday we were gonna have a quiz in class, and i assumed it was gonna be about the odyssey since we had just finished it the week before and we were just gonna start the ramayana that day. i'd completed the assigned reading on the ramayana, but i focused a lot more on the odyssey. and of course the quiz had to be on the ramayana! so i thought i was screwed, but bm sastera came to the rescue! you know how we learnt about this bird-ish dude who was fighting with some other monster dude or something to that effect, and how the bird-ish dude's wings get cut off? well that's from the ramayana, and the bird-ish dude's name is jatayu. one of the extra credit questions was "who is jatayu?" and when i first looked at it i had no idea! then i remembered how we were laughing at the story in high school, about how ridiculously stupid the story was, and remembered that there was a jatayu involved... so i managed to somehow connect the two and answer the question! and the first question was "what's sloka?" and i had no idea at first either, but then i remembered "seloka pak pandir" and all the other selokas, so i hazarded a guess about it being the hindu epic style, which i vaguely remembered reading something about, and i was right! lucky me that bm has some roots in sanskrit. (random note: at work, we keep track of when the kids get diaper changes or when they use the potty, and "bm" is used to denote "bowel movement", i.e. poop. for all you non-malaysians, bm back home stands for bahasa malaysia/melayu, which means malaysian/malay language.)

kay i think i've written enough for today - just submitted a blog post for cog dev (that's our assignment - writing a blog post about something we learnt or read or discussed in class. so cool ya?). next monday i have a quiz and a midterm, and on tuesday i have a paper due... so wish me luck!

you're not.

i'm glad the weekend's here. it's been one hectic week, and a tough one at that. feels like i've just been working and working and working and for the first time since i got here i asked myself if all this work was worth it.

i'm also wondering if i'm doing something wrong... why AM i always working? why don't i have things under better control, and why am i not able to make time for other, as important if not more important things? is it because of my subject combination? is it because i'm not planning things out properly? is it because i'm putting too much effort into it? would anyone else in the same situation i'm in be doing as much work as i am, for as much time as i'm doing it?

i'd really like to know the answer to that last question especially, because it's easy for people to judge and say i really don't have that much to do, at least no more than anyone else has and so there isn't any reason why i only have time for work. for them to feel superior for getting all their work done faster and having time for other things.

because i really feel as if i'm doing everything i can... i'm working as fast and as hard as i can.
yeah, so am i doing something wrong? if so, what?

i wanna know, and i wanna know now.
actually, i need to know, and i need to know now.


"if i were you
holding the world right in my hands
the first thing i'd do
is thank the stars above
for the world i love
take a breath and enjoy the view
live the life that i wanna do
if i were you."

-if i were you, hoobastank.

kiasu-ism revisited.

you know the worst thing about kiasu-ism?
sometimes it pays off.

i'm sorry.

i hate the feeling of helplessness death leaves us with.

i've talked about it in an earlier post, but here it is again, staring me in the face.
you wanna do something, you wanna help, you wanna make the pain that you know is gonna hit go away... but.
what on earth can you say? words sound so empty.
it's gonna be okay? he's moved on to a better place? i'm here for you? life goes on?
it's not like those statements aren't true, but it's not like they don't already know.

maybe they need reminding? maybe they don't.
maybe they don't wanna talk about it? maybe they do.
maybe i should be doing more? maybe there's nothing i can do.
maybe there's something i should be doing that i'm just not seeing? maybe i'm just pretending not to see.
maybe i'm just chicken.
maybe i'm just human.

i don't know.

but
it's gonna be okay.
he's moved on to a better place.
life will go on.
we're all here for you.

i'm sorry.

bubbles.

she stands in the playground, in the shadows of the big tree. well, it's not too big, but big enough.
above her its canopy of yellow leaves allows slivers of sunlight through... occasionally a leaf or two flutters down.
below her, woodchips, and more yellow leaves, all slightly damp from the night before.

the sun is shining brightly, a welcome change from the foggy morning...
but it's still cold enough for her to see her breath when she breathes or blows out.
she feels warm though.

the best part of it all, what she loves best - the

bubbles.

bubbles all around her,
bubbles, bubbles everywhere...
floating up into the tree, over the roof, into the clear blue sky...
turning the playground into one of the fairytale lands from "the cave of the golden roses", which she used to watch on tv with her mother.

a land of centaurs, and goblins, and fairies, and
princesses.

they float past her, the bubbles... translucent, delicate, iridescent.
she reaches out to touch a bubble - it's too tempting to resist...
and the bubble is no more.

she just stands there for a while longer, allowing the bubbles to dance past her...
then she reaches out again -
there goes another bubble.

she sees a big bubble within reach... pretty, pretty bubble, perfectly round;
translucent, delicate, iridescent.
but she keeps her hands to herself this time...
no, i'll let it go.

good weekend.

i'm happy with how i spent my weekend. i got sleep, wasn't antisocial, caught up with people back home, got some exercise, did some work, went for mass, did laundry...
all in all a much-needed "break" i think.

if only there wasn't a dark spot to blemish the end... life is fleeting.
stay strong, hold on to your faith... you know you have people here for you, right?

anyway. i saw one of the funniest things ever today! i watched the first part of "zoolander" and the opening scene is of like this huge crowd of people in malaysia celebrating the newly-elected prime minister's decision to increase minimum wage and wipe out child labor once and for all. it was HILARIOUS.
for one, everyone was chinese, even the prime minister (har har.) - they were holding up posters with this chinese-looking man's face on it with jawi-looking slogans.
secondly it looked so ulu! like malaysia in the 40s and 50s. and they referred to malaysia as an "impoverished nation".
and basically the story was about this male fashion model who was being sent on a mission to assassinate the prime minister so that this fashion line could go on using the cheap labor in malaysia to manufacture their clothes.
this movie was made in 2001 okay.
i bet the movie was banned in malaysia.

on a more positive note, at coffee hour i was looking through some of the reading material they have at the mills international center, and i saw like a whole row of books about singapore, and none about malaysia... and i look down and wonders of wonders, i see "lat: stories of a kampung boy".
i was so excited! so malaysia is being represented la, nevermind the fact that singapore has books about tourist destinations there and we have a comic book about what life was like in malaysia in the 50s and 60s. in a kampung. maybe i shouldn't be so hard on zoolander for portraying malaysia the way it did after all. heh.

monday again tomorrow... boo.

"i see the girl i wanna be
riding bareback, carefree
along the shore
if only that someone was me
jumping headfirst, headlong
without a thought
to act and damn the consequence
how i wish it could be that easy"

-wild horses, natasha bedingfield.

yell "O"!

football pictures up on facebook! finally.
decided not to put more of em up here cos i still haven't sorted out my formatting issues lol.
i did it in less than a week! i'm so proud of me =)

http://oregon.facebook.com/album.php?aid=17996&l=b8dfe&id=500922153

dance video!

it's up! check it out and try not to laugh at me too much.

http://oregon.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=529509651366

all styles crew, we did an awesome job! *high five*

ku mohon.

setiap hari ku mohon
agar Kau sentiasa
memberiku ketenangan dalam hati... kekuatan
menempuh segala dugaan yang mencabar ini
pasti punya ertinya...

oh Tuhan terangkan hati dalam sanubariku
untuk menempuhi segala, hidup penuh cabaran ini
oh Tuhan kuberserah segalanya kepadamu
agar jiwaku tenang dengan bimbinganMu selalu...

-ku mohon, sheila majid.

kiasu-ism.

my biggest competition is myself.
i always thought i compared myself to others a lot and that's what pushes me to work so hard, and yeah, that's true to some extent...
but i've realized that even when i do better than others, it might not be good enough for me. even if it's something i haven't done before, even if i had good reason for being "just" good enough.

good thing and bad thing i guess.

good thing because it's gotten me my grades, bad thing because grades aren't everything and i annoy the hell outta myself sometimes with my need to be good at everything.
i'm such a nerd.

like you didn't already know.

home.

i got hit by a wave of homesickness today for no particular reason. maybe it was her blog post, maybe it was talking to my family yesterday, maybe it was his text message, maybe it was the songs i listened to, maybe it was the home-cooked food i had at my host parents' place... i dunno. probably was a combination of all of the above.

at about 5.30pm, on to way to dick and peggy's, i was looking at the tree-covered hills through the windshield, with the sun peeking through, and i was like, 'wow, i'm gonna be here for two years'. it feels like i've been here for a really long time, but it's only been a bit over a month. i think i'll survive eugene... i like it here. but it's not home. the people here aren't the people back home (which isn't a bad thing in the least), nor do i expect them to be. then i wondered, how would it feel to go home after the two years?

will i feel the same excitement and apprehension i felt coming here? how foreign will home seem, paradoxical as that concept is? will i be able to let go of the way things were with people back home, and accept the changes that will inevitably be there? i don't mean letting go of relationships, but being flexible enough to adapt, and still feel as if it's no less special than it was before i left. will they be able to accept that i will probably not be the same me that left? the essence of who i am is still gonna be there; i have no intention of doing away with the adelle you all know. but two years of living in a different country and being immersed in a different culture is bound to change the way i look, the way i eat, the way i talk, the way i think... not entirely, but i think it's gonna be a perceptible change. what then?

with all the stuff i have to do, added to the time difference, it's gonna be interesting to see how many people i can stay connected with. i promise i'll try, but all of you have to know, and i have to know, that it's gotta be a two way thing. it scares me that i have so many emails unreplied, so many emails i wanna send out... i don't want it to be the start of a downward spiral. i promise i'll try.

but. thoughts aside, today was a good day. watched a football game and actually understood what was going on, thanks (and no thanks) to bryan and sean. the ducks beat the cougars 53-7! and then i had a yummy dinner at dick and peggy's, and rounded off the day chilling at sean's with a bunch of people - he had a potluck, but i only joined them after dinner. 'twas fun. tomorrow i'm devoting my day to cognitive development. and sleep.

one thing i've re-realized, as basic as this realization is, is how important meaningful human contact is.
and how important it is to just give yourself a break from pushing all the time.
and how the two can be combined.
putting work aside for play to maintain my emotional well-being is worth the few lost points on an exam or quiz.

photos from the performance and football game on the way. =)

another accomplishment.

haha i just cut my own fringe and i don't look hideous! should've done it earlier... it was getting way too long.
but i didn't wanna run the risk of walking around with a funny haircut and not wanting to pay to get it fixed.
all's well.

can you feel it?

ah the satisfaction of having worked hard at something and then completing it successfully.

i had fun. =)

etc.

titrations were way, way better today. and i got my first chem lab assignment back, which my professor said everyone screwed up - i did loads better than i thought i would. yay =) things're looking up there.

just got back from dance practice - our last one before the "real thing" tomorrow. i'm nervous and excited at the same time! whether i do well or screw up, i'm glad i decided to take this on. it was something outside my comfort zone, but also something i've been wanting to do for a while, so i'm glad to have finally made the move from wanting to do it to actually doing it. keep your fingers crossed for me!

now i have to decide whether to study for my cog dev midterm, read the odyssey, do research for social dev, do my chem homework, start my chem lab assignment, do my reading for my next social dev class, or do this test thing for my internship at the psych lab. so many choices, don't you just envy me? >.<

the leaves are red and brown and yellow and green now. there was this moment at work when we brought the kids to play outside, and i was standing under a tree. the wind blew and these small leaves came fluttering down around me... it was almost magical, really. i don't quite know what about it struck me, but i just stood there for a while, then went back to keeping an eye on the kids with a slight smile on my face. it's so pretty here.

...

i know i've been putting up really random, short posts lately, but bear with me, okay?
anyhow. i just wanted to announce something: you know how i was supposed to get my titration readings last thursday within a 2% relative average deviation? i was at 0.9% at my third reading. and if i remember correctly i was done with my third reading after an hour and a half.

gah.

poor orange.

like an old, shrivelled orange, coarsely sliced in half
then squeezed thoroughly, first the right then the left
until every drop is wrung out, all the pulp, each seed;
then pressed some more, its yield not satisfying.
so it is with my brain, my worn out mind:
drained, dry... but still, i need
juice.

we did epic similes in lit class today.
i'm beat.

thinking.

thinking makes me hungry.
and i have to think a lot.
problem is, thinking doesn't burn nearly as many calories as it should.
=(

life's unfair.

kids rock my socks.

haha i just got off skype with my 5-year-old and 7-year-old cousin, who were visiting subang from malacca... at one point they asked me to come back for christmas and i went, "why don't you come visit me instead?" and then they go, "we can't go in the computer!"

one month.

i've been eugene for exactly a month today.

feeling a bit less like a social retard now, despite the fact that i decided to stay in on a saturday night. it's nice. i'm meeting more people, and finding people i can be comfortable with... people i can be myself with, more or less. i'm having fun, woot. =)

speaking of comfortable, it's always so nice to find someone you can talk to about religion seriously. the person doesn't have to be religious, or doesn't have to even be a theist... just as long as they're open and have their own points of view about it. religion has become such a touchy/taboo topic with so many people nowadays. they don't wanna talk about it, or even think about it. which is their decision to make, and i'm not one to force it on them or anything. but i think it's so important, and has so many far-reaching implications that i simply can't ignore it. i actually kinda have a twisted admiration for the people who can.

anyway.

it was also nice to have a good, long conversation with anthea, daddy and mummy. =)

marionette.

"dancin' little marionette,
are you happy now?"

- when the stars go blue, tyler hilton and bethany joy lenz.

not my fault!

i swear my posts magically expand when i press the "publish post" button.
i never write so much!

some week.

i haven't put up an "update" post in a while huh. and my last few posts have been in more managable chunks lol... maybe i'm getting better at this blogging thing. =) so it's been an insanely hectic week - to everyone who feels neglected by me, you're not the only one, believe me. i have so many unreplied emails, facebook wall messages and blog comments to reply it's probbaly gonna take me a few hours to get through them all. not that it's a chore or anything okay, i love em. and i will get to them! to everyone who's heard that before, i mean it this time! and to everyone who's heard THAT before, sorry. =(

i haven't really been up to much, honestly. my week pretty much consisted of not getting enough sleep, classes, rushing to classes, struggling to keep up with assignments and reading, as well as getting them done just in time (like right before class). i've also been going for dance practices a performance i'm taking part in for the mills international center grand opening, which is gonna be held next friday. i was wondering if i should actually get involved considering i was already swamped and the moves looked pretty hard (they are, too.) but it's coming together pretty well, and i'm glad i stuck to it. hopefully the feeling stays. i need to get something hip hop to wear and i have no idea what lol. oh well, i'll figure it out.

the highlight of the week would probably have to be... doing titrations for 3 hours yesterday. 3 hours! and the worst part is, i could've been done earlier, if only i hadn't made a caulculation mistake. like we had to get a relative average molarity for a sample of sodium hydroxide within 2%, and i think i had it within my first three titrations except by my calculations i thought i didn't. if that makes sense. the annoying part wasn't the titrations themselves, but weighing out 2g of this chemical to the nearest 0.1 MG! even one grain of the stuff made a difference. and i think i had to weigh out like 7 samples total. the stupidest part was when for one of my titrations, i knew roughly when the solution was supposed to start turning pink but i kept going and going and it stayed colorless! i was wondering what on earth was wrong until someone asked me if i had put phenolphtalein in. and i hadn't. lol. second stupidest would have to be when i was doing my fifth and final titration and the teacher assistant said he thought i already had it, but i was panicking and was trying to get my titraton done so i didn't listen and didn't go do my calculations again. funny in hindsight, but not so funny when it was actually happening! exhibit b of why adelle needs her sleep. and guess what? more titrations next week! woot.

kay i should be at coffee hour now, but i needed to get some laundry done so i'm going soon i hope, once it finishes drying. my first social activity for the week! so sad right.

i'm not doing any work tonight. nope.

livin' on a prayer.

"we've got to hold on to what we've got;
it doesn't make a difference
if we make it or not.
we've got each other and that's a lot for love
we'll give it a shot.

oh, we're halfway there
whoa, livin' on a prayer
take my hand, we'll make it, i swear
whoa, livin' on a prayer."

- livin' on a prayer, bon jovi.

significance.

people need to feel significant.

i don't think many people realize that, but think about everything about your life that makes you happy, and more often than not they'll be something that makes you feel significant. whether it's something you do well, people you know, people who know you... all of it makes you feel as if you matter. it's essential to feeling content, satisfied... happy.

nothing like flying across the pacific alone and starting right in the middle to make that realization so poignant, so sharp.

and to feel frustration and pressure on top of that... it's pretty intense, that much i can tell you.
it helps to know you have home - the people there, the recognition there. but, see, the pacific's kinda... big. and wide.
and home's kinda far away.

i want significance here, and i want it now.
or at least i want more.

i sound like a spoilt brat, but this's my blog and i can do what i want. hah.

relief.

i'm amazed and you're the reason why. =)

a lonely september...

... is almost over. except it wasn't all lonely. only sometimes, but in a metaphorical sense.
you know, lonely but not alone.

but yeah, wow, it's october already. like the tenth month of the year.
three more months to 2008.
hehe i didn't really have a point.

heh.

i'm glad she didn't fall for it, and i'm glad she has a sense of humor.
it could've turned out really bad you know, and nobody would be laughing.
you got lucky that time.

gut feelings.

you know how sometimes you have this gut feeling about something, and you wonder if you should say something about it, but you're worried about feeling stupid if you turn out to be wrong?

remember that you could also end up feeling stupid if you turn out to be right and you didn't say anything. lol.

gut feelings are underestimated.

and so we meet.

i woke up today and the sun wasn't shining;
the streets outside were gleaming,
the smooth green lawns were sparkling.

i went out today and a cold breeze was blowing;
rain dripped from the trees,
i looked up and saw gray.

i walked back today and it was finally drizzling;
hello, infamous oregonian rain.

oh no!

omg omg omg.
i thought social dev started at 1pm, when it actually starts at 12.
realized it when i was walking out of my room to head to class.
not like i was lazing around or anything - i was doing chem.
class ends in 20 minutes. damn.
the stuff we're covering today is stuff i've covered in research methods back in HELP tho, so hopefully i didn't miss much.
damn damn damn.
see this's is why i should get my sleep. =(

awesome.

today was a good day.

nothing particularly big happened, but today i felt more in control, and more comfortable than i did before. as if i'm slowly but surely breathing in the environment and finding that i won't choke on it like i did when i smoked pot yesterday. just kidding =) did i give you a heart attack? don't worry.. the most american thing i've done so far is speak up in class. HONORS class. i actually put up my hand and shared my opinion on the epic of gilgamesh (or part of it), and a pretty good opinion it was too, i think (well doh.) we talked about the concept of god(s), religion, civilization vs nature, life and death, destiny... you know, the light stuff. it was the first time i felt "hey, i can do this honors lit thing... i might even enjoy it!" awesome. thankfully my professor chose a translation of the original text (cos obviously we aren't reading the sumerian cuneiform version of it - there weren't enough clay tablets to go around) that was done in prose, so it was way more readable than i expected it to be. still not completely done tho, bout 10 thin-leafed, small-printed pages to go and then we begin on the next big adventure that is the odyssey. like i said, awesome.

okay, one of the main reasons why today was a good day was because of yesterday. lol. basically for some reason i just could NOT get anywhere on time! and i tried, i really really did. oh actually i was on time for work, but that's it. and getting out of a warm bed at 6.30 is about as fun as having to take all your clothes off in a drafty not-so-private shower cubicle. when i walked to work i had the whole mist-when-you-breathe-out thing, which was pretty cool actually except for the fact that it was there because it was so cold >.< work was good.. met 5 new kids, all of them adorable - lucy, jp, hollander, bayan, and taelor. actually i met more kids, but these are the only ones i know the names of for now cos these were the kids in my class. two of them actually took my hand without me offering, which is a major achievement! and they did loadsa cute stuff like when i had them on the see saw one of the girls went "teeter totter, teeter totter..." and it was hilarious to watch them try to throw a ball into a mini basketball hoop (tho i didn't laugh out loud of course cos otherwise they wouldn't hold my hand). so that part of the day wasn't too bad, but then classes started. first class of the day was social development, and i gave myself 15 minutes to get to class which was plenty, cos the building it was in wasn't too far from my room. halfway there i realize
that i'd forgotten to check which class it was in, but i didn't wanna go back to my room to check cos then i'd be late. so i walked a bit faster (was huffin' it, as one girl from my honors class put it), and prayed that i'd find someone from the same class (tho i didn't know anyone who did as it was the first class) so i could follow them - it wasn't just blind hope kay, i was hoping to see someone carrying the textbook for the class or something. but of course i couldn't find anyone, and everyone i asked was doing political science and i was getting desperate... so i huffed it back to my room and then huffed it back to straub (the psych building) reaching only 5/10 minutes late, which really isn't too bad considering the circumstances. thing is, here in america everyone starts on time >.<

kay so that was social dev. i met up with joon to get our cellphones (i have a cellphone! =D so i don't have to be a recluse anymore.), which ended up taking waaay longer than expected, so i had to huff it back to my room to change for a hip hop class i decided to take for fun. as i was huffin it, i realized to my horror that i'd left my keys in my room! (had to happen sooner or later, but really, did it hve to be just then?) so. i huffed it to the area desk, loaned a pair of keys (i can only get locked out twice more before they start charging me), huffed it back to my room, changed, huffed it to the dance class, and again got there 5/10 minutes late. only! but they'd already started. dance class wasn't so bad.. did pretty basic stuff but i'm stiff from having not done formal dance for so long! then. i realized that class finished at 5.50, not 4.50 as i originally thought. extra hour of dance, not a bad thing... but the problem was, i have to attend training/meetings at the children's center every tuesday at 6! lol. so after class i huffed it back to my room to change (thankfully i wasn't all sweaty), huffed it over to the children's center, and got there 5/10 minutes late. again. i blame my malaysian-ness. >.<

so. as to what that has to do with today being a good day... i was on time for EVERYTHING today! and i didn't get locked out. muahaha. so i still have my two chances. i even had time to read before class. hah! in chem class, which i was on time for, the prof started off by giving us this complicated question to solve that i think only 2 people got, and no, i wasn't one of them because i didn't cube something. but i was happy with myself for getting that close.. at the last class i was too busy catching up with what the prof was saying that i didn't get very far. so, major improvement! in addition to classes i wasn't late for an appointment i had with a phd student who's doing research on theory-of-mind, which is basically about how children learn about other's beliefs, feelings etc... and i managed to get involved in her research project! =D i won't be doing much cos i don't have the time... more calling parents to recruit them and their kids, but i'll learn how to run the experiments and maybe actually get to do some of the "real stuff" too, so it's one foot in which is, you got it, awesome. then i actually lay on the grass under the nice warm sun (which soon got too hot so i moved under the shade - think i was the only one lol. (malaysian la, what to do) reading psychology (for my next class), and that was way awesome too. i'm gonna do more of that before the infamous rain starts. then my cog dev class that i wasn't late for was really interesting... i really don't know why not people study psych. the lectures are presented so well, the stuff you learn is so applicable, the textbooks aren't boring... anyway. less men more share! then i had a short break and it was time for lit class which i've already told you guys about. and in between classes i actually managed to get work done, so i was on top of things today. a bit behind for tomorrow, thanks to this post, but i think i'll manage.

and i found out that i'll probably be able to get involved with the international student association, tho not as an intern as i originally intended cos that would require 5 hours a week which i can't afford but it's a start. and it would ensure some kinda social life for me too lol. speaking of which, it's nice to have a cellphone (they don't say handphone here) after not having one for so long... not so much because i was suffering withdrawal symptoms, but more cos i can actually contact people and they can contact me whenever they want, instead of just when i'm in my room, which thanks to work and class alone isn't very much.

so yeah, all in all, pretty awesome don't you think? =)

my arms hurt...

...from lugging overpriced and overweight textbooks across campus from the bookstore to my room. i spent $325.05 on them, and they're not even new! bought them all secondhand. i'd better be able to sell them back at the end of term. that's right, i'll only be using them for ONE term. except for the most expensive one that i can use for three. but still. that's like 1000 ringgit. on books. alone. for one term. ouch ouch ouch.

had my first lecture this morning... twas chem. it wasn't too bad, did a review on some of the basic stuff, nothing i couldn't handle. definitely gonna take a while for me to get back into the groove of things tho - i kept zoning out. think my attention span has reduced dramatically over the past 4 months or so of sloth.

one of the biggest differences i've observed so far between class here and classes back home is that people actually put up their hands to answer questions from the professor - the professor doesn't have to call on anyone and doesn't have to face an akwardly silent classroom with everyone looking everywhere but at him/her. it's pretty nice. have yet to gather the guts to put my hand up to answer something... i blame my meek asian heritage lol.

anyway, something came up recently with a friend that made me think about crushes. is a crush something to be taken seriously? what is a crush in the first place? is it a romantic feeling we have towards a person that is transient, and therefore something we should do nothing about? do we know when it's "just" a crush? what if we mistake it for something more? if a guy says he likes you, how do you know if it'll last, or if it'll fade away like it did for the last girl he had feelings for? what if you think a crush might develop into something more and then find out that you're mistaken? is it then better to just let it be, and not do anything about it? or what if you think it's nothing and later find out that it is something and it's too late? and if crushes are transient and not anything to be taken seriously, then is having a crush while you're with someone else considered "cheating" if you don't do anything about it?

so many gray areas, and so many trapdoors to fall through, and yet so much potential for gain.

good thing?

life has taught me how to walk alone.

hokey pokey.

haha i just went for my first meeting/briefing/orientation thing for my new job at the moss street children's center, and we did the hokey pokey, among other things. the director of the center said his favorite tshirt says "what if the hokey pokey IS what it's all about?".

i think i'll enjoy work =)

more alice.

"...she went on, 'would you tell me, please, which way i ought to go from here?'

'that depends a good deal on where you want to get to,' said the cat.

'i don't much care where--' said alice.

'then it doesn't matter which way you go,' said the cat.

'--so long as i get SOMEWHERE,' alice added as an explanation.

'oh, you're sure to do that,' said the cat, 'if you only walk long enough.'"

- alice in wonderland, lewis carroll.

progress.

hello everybody! haha i'll keep this one short since people have been commenting on how insanely long my posts are. two words: verbal diarrhea.

the first big event would be my first dip into the honors college... it wasn't an icy cold shock, nor was it nice and warm. i'd say lukewarm. i think because i didn't know anyone, so i kinda kept to myself for the most part. met new people of course, but like at lunch i was the kid who didn't have anyone to sit with and i felt very much like the kid in the movies who doesn't have anyone to sit with at lunch. not so nice. but then this girl that i met asked me to sit with her and two of her friends, so it got a bit better =) i would say the first session was intimidating - i didn't really say anything, more of observed and got a feel of what it was gonna be like. i think it's gonna be a challenge but a good experience.

i've also got my classes pretty much sorted out - found out i can take 400-level papers (4th year papers) already, although i have sophomore (2nd year) standing, so that's pretty awesome. i'm taking 2 of em - social development and cognitive development. i'm also doing chem under the honors college, since i have to do a science and i prefer chem to bio and physics. my fourth and last subject is honors lit, and i don't know what it's specifically about because it didn't have a course description. had to sign up for it because it was the only one available... most students could sign up earlier cos they came for orientations like in july! but i think my classes aren't too bad la. i need books tho! class starts on monday, which leaves tomorrow for books. eek.

um, i also have a job! pretty much got hired on the spot, which was really cool. think pushing my major and my work experience did it for me =) at this child center working with 2-3 year olds, which is awesome! only 6 hours a week on minimum wage tho, so it's not much. but it's a start =) looking around at some other positions, not all paid, so we'll see how those go. we're allowed to do up to 20 hours a week so i've got quite a lot of time to fill.

last thing: skype is awesome! so far i've video chatted with mel, kit, val, dav, and ping and it's been fantastic, especially since it's free! typical kiasu malaysian i am. =) oh and speaking of malaysian (this's the last thing, i promise), i cooked at adrian's today.. they decided it was my turn. so i managed to do a fried rice with stir fry that tasted very much like home, so that was nice. no sign of food poisoning yet, so yay! kay i'm off to bed now... night night!

i have skype!

add me people!
my username's dellelled.
free conversations bay-beh!
and you might get to see me if you're lucky (i.e. if i can figure out how to do it).
i like the internet =)

naivete?

when i was walking out of autzen stadium after the game, i overheard this 7 or 8 year old boy say to his grandfather, "you know what makes the moon shine? the sun."

ah, child-like wonder.

pictures yo!

and finally... pictures! =D





























eh why so hard to format with pictures ah? i'm too tired to try figuring it out, so i'll just put all the captions down here (when i type them out they're at the bottom, but goodness knows where they'll end up >.<
and you guys pandai-pandai match them up la kay? they're in order, don't worry =P

rebecca and i on the small plane we took from frisco to eugene.
dick and peggy.
dick and peggy’s house.
my room at their place.
an example of how people dressed up for the pet parade!
sunset over eugene from skinner’s butte.
the 2000 piece jigsaw. wonder how much progress peggy’s made =P
walton smith, the hall I’m staying in.
one of the entrances to the knight library. the other entrance says “and the truth shall set you free” =)
a random tree on campus making a pretty shadow. lots of trees on campus make pretty shadows on campus =)
yayoi and me
my side of the room from one angle…
and from another. yayoi’s side of the room is a mirror image of mine in terms of layout. nice not?
joon and some pretty vulgar looking flowers lol.
me in my “oregon ducks” tshirt on the way to the game.
autzen stadium from outside.
autzen on the inside. huge!
the line-up (? i think that’s what it’s called.) oregon’s in green, we were against fresno state from california, and they’re in red. we won!
The marching band in formation – can you read what they’re spelling out?
cheerleaders! sorry i couldn’t get a better picture guys.
our mascot the duck! he was allowed on the field after the game =P
at the picnic.
the pond and ducks at alton baker.
beth and brian, people i met at the picnic.
adrian, whose house is where we’ve been having our dinner parties.
sean, who has been doing most of the cooking. didn’t taste too bad both times, and i’m still alive! =P


there. anyone have any requests for any other pictures of people/places/stuff i might have mentioned but didn't put up?
kay good night i need sleep! lots and lots of sleep. enjoy!