Friday 31 July 2009

i know you want me.

i needed tonight.

dinner with ying, jo and wei, driving aimlessly around kl (unintentionally, for the most part), meeting up with jiat, kah leong and kah leong's friends in wong kok, walking out without ordering anything, and then ending the night with a bang at bulldog.

breakfast with the family in four hours!

"see the stone set in your eyes
see the thorn twist in your side
i wait for you."

- with or without you, u2.

Tuesday 28 July 2009

i hate this part right here.

i made a choice, and now i have to deal with the consequences.
you will have to deal with the consequences of your choices too.
for better or worse.

"it is said an eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent him a sentence, to be ever in view, and which should be true and appropriate in all times and situations. they presented him the words: "and this, too, shall pass away." how much it expresses! how chastening in the hour of pride! how consoling in the depths of affliction!"

- abraham lincoln

Monday 27 July 2009

yes, a smile.

"glass half-empty or half-full?"
"well it depends what's IN the glass..."

i miss jamie!

Sunday 26 July 2009

weep not for the memories.

you always made me feel beautiful,
always accepted me for who i was,
always tried to understand,
always put me first,
and always fought for us.

i cannot match up to that...
you deserve better.

"i don't know what i've done
or if i like what i've begun
but something told me to run
and honey you know me it's all or none

there were sounds in my head
little voices whispering
that i should go and this should end
oh and i found myself listening

'cos i dont know who i am, who i am without you
all i know is that i should
and i don't know if i could stand another hand upon you
all i know is that i should
'cos she will love you more than i could
she who dares to stand where i stood

see i thought love was black and white
that it was wrong or it was right
but you ain't leaving without a fight
and i think i am just as torn inside

'cos i dont know who i am, who i am without you
all i know is that i should
and i don't know if i could stand another hand upon you
all i know is that i should
'cos she will love you more than i could
she who dares to stand where i stood

and i won't be far from where you are if ever you should call
you meant more to me than anyone i ever loved at all
but you taught me how to trust myself and so i say to you
this is what i have to do

'cos i don't know who i am, who i am without you
all i know is that i should
and i don't know if i could stand another hand upon you
all i know is that i should
'cos she will love you more than i could
she who dares to stand where i stood
oh, she who dares to stand where i stood."

- where i stood, missy higgins.

Wednesday 22 July 2009

was it?

"now, i could never change you
and i don't wanna blame you
baby, you don't have to take the fall
yes, i may have hurt you
but i did not desert you
maybe i just wanna have it all.

there's a danger in loving somebody too much
and it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust
there's a reason why people don't stay where they are
baby, sometimes love just ain't enough."

- sometimes love just ain't enough, patty smyth and don henley.

Thursday 9 July 2009

raindrop ripples.

today was the first time since getting back that i missed having a core group of friends.

things were so much simpler with a "gang"... if any of us wanted to go out, he/she knew exactly who to ask along. when we did go out, we formed the nucleus, and everyone else was on the circumference. there were inside jokes, nuances, memories that only we had access to. i knew what to expect from each, and i knew what was expected of myself.

tonight there was no core. there weren't any outsiders that needed to be included, because each of us was, in one way or another, an outsider.

i've grown to accept that the core group i had in malaysia is no more - we're all still friends, but it will never be the same. i've also come to accept that i cannot and should not remain attached to my core group in the states. i also know that having a core sometimes limits you, and that not having a core is an opportunity to broaden networks and step outside one's comfort zone. the fact that i had/have two cores reminds me that things are only going to get more complicated and more peripheral from here on out. or rather from two years ago on out, in my case.

but yeah, tonight i missed being part of a core.

"namun, takkan mudah bagiku
meninggalkan jejak hidupmu
yang t'lah terukir abadi
sebagai kenangan yang terindah."

- kenangan terindah, samsons.

Tuesday 7 July 2009

the blitzkrieg bop.

it's been a great holiday so far. a "real" one, you know, one that doesn't involve long to-do lists and constant productivity, but does involve an enjoyable level of activity, friends and family, books, naps and movies. but it was never going to last forever, and although i have about two weeks left of this "real" holiday (before most people leave!) i already feel the pressure of figuring out what to do with myself for the next two months or so. every time i'm bored at home i freak out because there's this phobia of being "trapped". it's funny, i thought i would've gotten better at the whole stay-at-home alone thing after all that practice being an antisocial nerd in eugene... but maybe that's where the fear stems from, no?

and then there's sorting out cambridge - i found out i got accepted into girton college (yay! =D), but i still haven't heard from the cambridge trusts about scholarships. most of what i've read online has only confused me and/or made me even more nervous - some people say that scholarships continue to be awarded through september, some say all the full scholarships have been awarded, some say we will find out by the end of july, some say that if we are successful we will hear through email and that if we aren't we will be notified through snail mail - which could take ages to get here! it's a lot of money, and i really want(ed) to do this post-grad thing on my own... in fact, i remember saying that if i didn't get a scholarship i wouldn't go. but... gah! of course, there are other sources of funding that i should and will look into, but it's a tedious process that i've started but have been skirting.

i'm also supposed to take the toefl again, which i find pretty ridiculous because i graduated from an english-speaking institution, i've taken it before (but the score has since expired), i have valid sat and gre scores, and i'm technically a native english speaker! i emailed them about it a while ago but haven't gotten a reply, and today i realized that the deadline for meeting my conditions is july 31st, and then i found that the soonest i can take the toefl here is july 25th. scores don't come out til like two weeks later! so. i'm gonna have to call them... and hopefully either get out of taking the test, or get them to allow me to send in the scores late. any other outcome would really, really, really suck.

BUT. i'm just feeling overwhelmed today... or rather, tonight. i just need to get out of passive holiday mode and act, and i'm sure things will fall into place, one way or another. at any rate, i think i'm done with the lazing for a bit... hey! ho! let's go!

"just when you think you're in control
just when you think you've got a hold
just when you get on a roll

here it goes, here it goes, here goes again
oh here it goes again
i should have known, should have known, should have known again
but here it goes again
oh here it goes again."

- here it goes again, okgo.