what doesn't kill you makes you fat.

i just stumbled upon something i wrote when i was on the way back from malaysia in january, and thought it quite relevant to post now:

i wonder if it's better to be realistic or idealistic. on the one hand, realism keeps expectations in check, it means you're less likely to be disappointed. but on the other hand, idealism enables you to dream and to believe that dreams do come true.

there's more to lose by being idealistic - or isn't there? you 'lose' more simply because you hope for more, but if you don't imagine the seemingly impossible, isn't that 'losing' too? because there's a lot less of a chance that you may one day realise the seemingly impossible? but maybe that's what it is - maybe you don't feel like you lose as much simply because you don't know that you're missing out. a case of ignorance being bliss.

but once you've experienced the ideal - the dream, the seemingly impossible that you had stopped yourself from desiring, it's hard to go back. you begin to worry that if you start being realistic, you'll destroy the magic. maybe if you continue being idealistic, the dream will continue, because now you would be working with destiny instead of telling destiny what it can and cannot do.

but then what happens if the ideal is not meant to last? if the dream is really more a daydream, and you're meant to enjoy it for a while and then go back to reality? what if going back to being realistic is the way to keep the ideal going?

is it possible to be realistic and idealistic, at the same time?

I

The Owl and the Pussy-cat went to sea
In a beautiful pea green boat,
They took some honey, and plenty of money,
Wrapped up in a five pound note.
The Owl looked up to the stars above,
And sang to a small guitar,
'O lovely Pussy! O Pussy my love,
What a beautiful Pussy you are,
You are,
You are!
What a beautiful Pussy you are!'


II

Pussy said to the Owl, 'You elegant fowl!
How charmingly sweet you sing!
O let us be married! too long we have tarried:
But what shall we do for a ring?'
They sailed away, for a year and a day,
To the land where the Bong-tree grows
And there in a wood a Piggy-wig stood
With a ring at the end of his nose,
His nose,
His nose,
With a ring at the end of his nose.

III

'Dear pig, are you willing to sell for one shilling
Your ring?' Said the Piggy, 'I will.'
So they took it away, and were married next day
By the Turkey who lives on the hill.
They dined on mince, and slices of quince,
Which they ate with a runcible spoon;
And hand in hand, on the edge of the sand,
They danced by the light of the moon,
The moon,
The moon,
They danced by the light of the moon.

- the owl and the pussycat, edward lear.

sucking too hard on your lollipop.

they say to reach for the moon because even if you miss, you'll land among the stars.
i guess stars are cool, but what if you really had your heart set on the moon?


"and suppose i never ever met you
suppose we never fell in love
suppose i never ever let you
kiss me so sweet and so soft

suppose i never ever saw you
suppose we never ever called
suppose i kept on singing love songs
just to break my own fall."

- fidelity, regina spektor.

midsummer night's dream.

"tô louca pra te ver chegar
tô louca pra te ter nas mãos
deitar no teu abraço, retomar o pedaço
que falta no meu coração

eu não existo longe de você
e a solidão é o meu pior castigo
eu conto as horas pra poder te ver
mas o relógio tá de mal comigo
porquê?

porquê?"

- fico assim sem você, adriana calconhotto.

grab somebody sexy tell 'em hey.

LA has been a lesson in joint attention, MLUs, and engagement;
a revision of independence, self-sufficiency and ambition;
and a reminder of friendship, hospitality and generosity.

i might even go so far as saying it was worth the nightmare that was the journey from LHR to LAX. =)

there is no cake.

it's weird to be back in the states. i keep experiencing flashes of familiarity, of memories that had been tucked away somewhere in my mind. the brands sold in grocery stores, the restaurants available, the american dollars and quarters, the tv shows and ads, mass... it's strange, i think, because the us never really became home for me and yet this is where i spent almost two years of my life, so i'm surprised when things are recognizable, and surprised when things appear foreign.

it doesn't help that i came over here alone, leaving loved ones behind, just like i did almost four years ago... but this time i'm just here for a few weeks, and i'm meeting up with people from such different stages of my life - an old friend from secondary school, an old friend from the university of oregon, and my family. it's a confusing mix of same and different.

more than anything, it's the emotional flashbacks that i wasn't quite expecting. i now remember how much i turned inwards while i was here, how much self-reflection i did. i remember how independent and self-sufficient i was almost forced to become. but at the same time, being here has reminded me that it wasn't all bad, and that this part of me is still there if i ever need it.

i now see how i've had a lot of strong wind, earthquake, fire and walking on water since i've left the states, and while i was here there was a lot more of the quiet whispering.

on a separate note, people here say i speak with a british accent, but people in the uk say i sound american. last week someone asked me how they say 'lunch' in the uk.

por isso, meu amor.

nao tenha medo de sofrer
que todos os caminhos me encaminham pra voce.

it is better to have loved and lost, than to live with a psycho for the rest of your life.

"you were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
you shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days.
ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
but let there be spaces in your togetherness,
and let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

love one another, but make not a bond of love:
let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
sing and dance together and be joyous,
but let each one of you be alone,
even as the strings of a lute are alone
though they quiver with the same music.

give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
for only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
and stand together yet not too near together:
for the pillars of the temple stand apart,
and the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow."

- the prophet, on marriage; khalil gibran.

september.

today, i learnt that it is easier to not know what to expect but to hope something good will happen,

than to not know what to expect but to hope that what you want will happen.

carrot.

"if it's love
and we decide that it's forever
no one else could do it better

if it's love
and we're two birds of a feather
then the rest is just whenever

and if i'm addicted to loving you
and you're addicted to my love too
we can be them two birds of a feather
that flock together

love, love
got to have something to keep us together
love, love
that's enough for me."

- if it's love, train.

relativity.

never before has a period of time seemed to me both so short and so painfully long at the same time.

it must happen with you.

2010 was the best year of my life thus far. bring on 2011!

"i've had the time of my life
no, i've never felt this way before
and i swear, this is true
and i owe it all to you...

... dirty bit."

- the time (dirty bit), black eyed peas.