let it be.

"hold your own
know your name
and go your own way

and everything will be fine."
- details in the fabric, jason mraz feat. james morrison.

i'm happy for you. =)

my struggle.

i've recently come across some rather unflattering pictures of myself. i guess it would be more accurate to say that i don't like the way i look in those pictures. they bring up a lot of insecurities... especially since i've put on weight since leaving for the states.

but then, when i think about it, those pictures were taken of me. me in real life, in the middle of actions i usually do... and the pictures capture what i look like to other people, and essentially what i look like, period. i think a lot of the time people don't like pictures of themselves because it doesn't match the image they have of themselves. but really, that's you. erasing your "ugly" pictures from your digital cameras doesn't make you look any better.

it disturbs me, then, that i don't like how i look. i know i'm not ugly. and although it's easy to blame the weight for why i don't like how i look, i've don't think i've ever been comfortable with how i look, even when i weighed way less. there were always flaws and blemishes and distortions that kept me unhappy.

so. i have come to the decision to truly accept how i look for what it is. i don't eat (too) unhealthily, i exercise, i put some effort into grooming myself and some care into how i dress... and really, that's all i can do. i just have to trust that the people that matter to me can see past superficialities and love me - flab, zits and all.

and i have to do the same.

digesting.

it scares me sometimes how fast i can get dissatisfied with life, and how i can feel fulfilled one moment and empty the next.

i wish everyone here was on holiday, or at least not as busy with whatever they have to do... but then i have to understand that they have their lives and routines and friends and i can't expect them to drop everything just because i'm no longer halfway round the world. and it's not like i gave them time in advance to plan for me being home. =P

i also wish more people were home.

i have found some things i wish hadn't changed, and some things i wish had.

i have come to appreciate some people in a different way, and i think a better way, than i did before. i have also seen more about some people that i don't necessarily like.

i'm afraid i'm not making as much of the precious time i have here as i should. i don't know how much of that is of my own doing, and how much is due to external factors beyond my control.

i have done some pretty cool stuff though - on friday ying and i went to batu caves and the forest research institute of malaysia where we jungle trekked for close to two hours, and we had no idea where we were for about three quarters of the time lol. it was a lot of fun, and i got to spend the day with ying so it was awesome. =) on saturday i went down to malacca, my parents' hometown. there i had good, good food, spent some time with my not-baby-anymore cousins, and met my maternal grandmother. i spoke to her in mandarin! =D my cousins have grown... they're not as cute as when they were toddlers, and they required more patience than they did last time, but they're still fun to be with.

i feel as if i've learnt a lot about my extended family over the weekend... the older you get the more you understand i guess.

oh, and i happened to come across some pictures of eugene this evening... and i was rather surprised to find myself missing it! guess i like ethnocentric nights and sneezing rain more than i thought. =P

so, i have three weeks left. only?

"so take the photographs and still-frames in your mind,
hang it on a shelf in good health and good time."

- good riddance, green day.

balik kampung.

i am home. =)

it feels as if i'd never left. when i touched down in klia, it felt as if i had just come back from a short holiday... and suddenly eugene, palo alto, and the u of o seemed so far away. like a very realistic dream. the weather hasn't gotten to me like i thought it would, i've just clicked right back with everyone i've met, and i haven't had any trouble at all falling asleep in my bed. that could be the jetlag though.

i went for mass on friday (the day i landed), and it was so weird to suddenly know so many people in one place and to know that so many people knew me! it made me feel very vulnerable, actually, because i'd gotten used to my relative anonymity in the states and i felt as if everyone was watching me lol. it was also probably because an aunty i met said "life has been good horh... it shows!" when she saw me. ah well.

i've met up with both sides of my extended family, as well as given the gang mini heart attacks. i've been to the market and watched wall.e (which i thought was so cute!). i've had a haircut, a facial, and spent a day at the spa with anthea. i've bumped into a few of my old teachers. i've woken up to the sound of pouring rain. i've been for mamak, and had chee cheong fun, roti pisang, nasi kandar, neslo ais, milo ais, barli ais, teh ais, tausa pau, putu bambu, peanut pancake, kue neng gou, zhang, popiah, durian, ramly burger (mel: ha? haa. haaa... lol), bak kut teh, gandum and capati. i haven't even been to a hawker center yet! oh but i've also been for an evening run around the neighborhood and i went round twice! before i left one round was about my max, so that was pretty cool. =)

i've been having a great time, but of course it hasn't been all rainbows and butterflies. there have been romantic notions that haven't been met, and there have been low points that hurt although i thought i'd prepared myself for the possibility of them happening. there are sensitivities i haven't missed. but hey, they're all part of package.

the highlight of my trip so far is definitely when i surprised ying, val, ping and mel. their reactions were priceless, and i was very touched. =)

it's good to be back.

touchdown.

i like taking off and landing.

i always have my face pressed right up against the window, and i wish they'd hurry up and turn down the lights inside the plane so my reflection wouldn't get in the way.

i landed in taipei at about 5 this morning, so while we were descending all i could see at first was a deep blue fog above and below. it was as close to being surrounded by "nothingness" as i'd ever been. and then i looked as far back behind the plane as i could, and i could see the blazing red and oranges of the rising sun. it was like a loose representation of the beginning of creation when light was allowed to be.

i looked down, straining to get my first glimpse of land, of taipei, where i will be in the same time zone as home for the first time in close to a year. after a while, the blue i see below me begins to look kinda zig-zaggy... wavy. wavy. the sea. the lines get clearer, more defined as we approach the runway. then i see a line of white in it... breaking waves? doesn't seem likely, because there's just one line in the middle of nowhere. i decide it's probably a big net to catch poor little fishies.

and then, i see land. first the coast, then streetlights, and headlights. then the roads and houses. then the chinese words and arrows painted on the roads.

and then we land. as the plane taxis to a stop, the passengers start unbuckling their seatbelts and retrieve their luggage from the overhead compartments. and then a song starts playing through the speakers.

california dreaming. haha.

retrospect.

and so i have come to the end of my stay in palo alto.

i'm not gonna miss waking up in the middle of the night to thumps and bumps... but i'm gonna miss staying alone when i go back to sharing a kitchen and living room with seven other people.
i'm not gonna to miss waiting for a bus, taking a 20-minute bus ride, walking 20 minutes, getting my (heavy) groceries, lugging them back 20 minutes, waiting for the bus again and then sitting in it for another 20 minutes... but i'm gonna miss the golden sunshine and clear blue skies that kept me company through the ordeal.
i'm not gonna miss not having my friends from eugene and the ucf people nearby... but i'm gonna miss the palo alto library that has given me books and movies that have kept me entertained and educated for hours.
i'm not gonna miss not having the rec center five minutes away where i could play volleyball and badminton... but i'm gonna miss my (nearly) daily run around the neighborhood with many pretty gardens in the setting sun.

and... i have run out of things i'm not gonna miss.

i am also gonna miss bing, just hanging out with the kids and of course luring them into the mysterious but enticing gameroom.
i am also gonna miss the people i have met here who have taught me many things and have offered me more help and favors i had hoped for.
i am also gonna miss my bilingualism class.
i am also gonna miss the farmer's market.
and i am also gonna miss the beautiful buildings on campus that have such a historical feel about them.

i've been so encouraged in pursuing my field of work, my capabilities have received so much affirmation, and i've been treated with respect and as an equal by graduate students. it was the fuel i needed for my final(!) year of college.

it's been a well-spent summer thus far... and it ain't over yet baby.

couch potato.

watching the us men's swimming 4x100 freestyle relay team (that was a mouthful) win the gold medal gave me goosebumps!
and watching the volleyball and beach volleyball matches has made me miss playing so much! >.<

i haven't seen any malaysians in any sport tho. the only glimpse i've gotten of them was in the opening ceremony, when the commentator described malaysia as being located "south of the northern tip of borneo".

kay i have to study for my final now. while watching men's gymnastics.

the knew.

"another turning point a fork stuck in the road
time grabs you by the wrist directs you where to go
so make the best of this test and don't ask why
it's not a question but a lesson learned in time."

- good riddance, green day.

i'm on the cusp of yet another transitory stage in my life. i have a feeling this is gonna be a big one. i'm incredibly excited, but at the same time i'm feeling some degree of apprehension. it's a different kind of change i'm facing, different from my adventure in kolkata, arrival in eugene and sojourn in palo alto. it's different because in this case, i'm not going somewhere entirely new where i have no idea what to expect or whom im going to meet. it's different because this time, i'm going back to a place i've been, to people i know and experiences i've had. it's different because when i was going somewhere new there weren't many, if any, expectations from and of myself.

it's scary not just because i don't know what has changed, but also because i don't know what hasn't changed. i don't know what i want to be different and what i don't. and i don't know how much i have or haven't grown.

there are memories on the line. i guess when it comes down to it, i don't fear what i don't know as much as i fear what i don't know about what i knew.

that being said, i'm still excited! three days left in palo alto.

smelling the roses.

and now i am annoyed. why am i so awake at 5am? i went to bed close to midnight... i didn't have a nap, nothing went thump, and i should still be asleep! gah. anyhow... since i'm awake, i might as well post about my day trip that i took last saturday. it's gonna be long, even by my standards. but (and?) there are pictures. you have been warned.

inspired by the globetrotters i mentioned in my previous post and deciding that i should take advantage of the fact that i'm in california and won't be for long, i hopped on a train and went (not that much further) south, to san jose. according to wikipedia it's known as the "capital of the silicon valley" and is the third largest city in california, and tenth largest in the states. there, now you have two bits of random information you'll probably never need. =P

i left my cottage slightly after 8am, and walked to the nearest caltrain station, which wasn't totally unlike ktm stations back home. the caltrain itself is pretty different tho. for one, it has an upstairs! which i shifted to immediately once i located the nearest stairway up. i had planned to read "the hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy", which was small enough to fit into my bag and not to heavy content-wise, but i decided simply to stare out the window instead. it looked like it was going to be yet another gorgeous, sunny day, and it was.

on the caltrain.

the relapsed camwhore.

my first destination was the san jose municipal rose garden, which took me about a half-hour walk to get to. i didn't get lost! =D if you know me, you'd know that that is quite a substantial achievement. haha. the rose garden was pretty... i think it would have been even prettier if it was earlier in the summer, because a lot of the roses were late in bloom and kinda wilty, but it was nice. i wandered around for a bit, then settled on a park bench in the shade to rest my feet and read for a bit.







blue was feeling left out.

i have a thing for benches under trees. =)

(yes sean, i know i have to adjust my camera's international student orientation settings, but since my camera skills are pretty much limited to "point and click" i'll ask for a tutorial when i get back to eugene, okay?)

next up was the san jose flea market, and it was really like a pasar malam back home! except not pada waktu malam. they sold almost everything you could think of... from fruits to underwear to boots to cars! it was interesting to be in such a spanish-speaking environment. stall owners were calling out left and right, mothers were talking to their children, husbands were consulting with their wives... it was fascinating to be able to guess what their topics of conversation were simply from being in that context, even though i didn't understand the stream of sounds from their mouths.







after that i hopped on a bus with no idea of where it was headed and where i wanted to go, and got off at the last stop, which i inferred was the last when the bus driver turned off the engine, got out of his seat, looked at me quizzically and went "er...". i appeared to be in a suburban neighborhood, and walked around for a bit getting a feel of the place and checking the houses out. they weren't too fancy, and had a nice familial feel about them. i like the suburbs. =)

i found another bus stop, and waited for the bus, this time with a vague idea of getting off at a light rail transit station and taking the train to another bus stop where i could get on a bus that would get me to a memorial park that i wanted to go to. when i got to the bus stop, i realized that i wasn't too sure of which direction the bus i wanted should be going, so i asked the driver of the first bus that came by and he said it was the right bus. after close half and hour, the bus was empty and he asked me where i wanted to go again. i told him, and he went "oh, you should have gotten off at winchester!" okay, so i asked him about this other place that i knew was further along the bus route, and he said "ah, it should be somewhere over there", and pointed vaguely to his left. "but," he said, "if you can't find it, you can wait for a bus on the other side of the road to get back to where you came from."

i got off the bus, and walked over to other bus stop because i saw it had a map, and realized that the bus driver was going in the opposite direction from where i wanted to go and so now i was twice as far as when i started! so. i sat down to wait for the bus, and when it came round it was the same bus driven by the same driver. he looks at me and asks if i had any luck, and when i explain to him that he was going in the wrong direction he goes, "oh, so you got on on the wrong side!", like he didn't tell me that he was going in the right direction in the first place!

after another half an hour or so, the bus driver lowered the platform thingy so that a man in a wheelchair could get off the bus, and he must have screwed up somehow cos i heard the platform grating against the pavement. two minutes later, the bus driver tells all the passengers to get off and wait for the next bus because this bus couldn't move! by this time it was past 4, and i wasn't sure if the places i wanted to go were open past 5, so i decided to have dinner at this mexican place in downtown san jose and then call it a day. i fell asleep on the train ride home, but for some lucky reason woke up when the train was at (not arriving at) my stop! it took a couple of seconds to register where i was, and then i hurriedly gathered my stuff and rushed off the train, just in time.

downtown san jose.

all in all a well-spent saturday. =)

contentment.

i am happy.

just got back from dinner with the grad student i've been working with and his girlfriend... they bought me a thank you dinner at this malaysian restaurant that i found and it was sooo goood! i mean, i still think malaysian food back in malaysia tastes better, but this was pretty darn close, especially since i hadn't had malaysian food in such a long time. we had nasi lemak and kangkung belacan and beef rendang and pulut with kaya... mmm. the owner of the place was from ipoh, and before i left we had a conversation with english, malay, hokkien and mandarin thrown in... haha. the grad student's girlfriend was standing next to me and she said she was lost within the first sentence. it was nice to be able to share some malaysian culture with the grad student and his girlfriend. they definitely enjoyed the food too!

the whole evening was pretty awesome... i went for a good run before getting ready for dinner, so i was feeling good. then on the way to the restaurant the sun was pretty low in the sky, so everything was golden and cast long, pretty shadows. then on the way back there was a crescent moon in this deep blue sky that wasn't quite dark yet, with an orange glow along the horizon. i could also see a couple of bright stars, and the blinking lights of planes that flew across the cloudless sky...

good food, good company, and picturesque panorama... it's times like these that you just can't help but smile. =)

j, x and z...

are the only 3 letters that i have not started a blog post title with. now just x and z.

it is august.

13 days left in palo alto! 12, not counting today.