twiddle, twiddle...

so i got to bing and waited for the researcher i was supposed to work with... and found out that she wasn't coming in because she had already run enough kids earlier today. and didn't tell me. which means i have the afternoon off.

should i read... or watch tv... or watch a movie... or sleep...? hmm.

of course there's also my paper that's due on monday, and the gre to study for. but those aren't pressing matters (i.e. significant within the next 24 hours) so they can wait.

choices, choices.

things that go thump.

last night i had so much trouble falling asleep! i guess it shouldn't be too surprising considering i had two cups of coffee in the evening (early evening!) and took a long nap after getting back from bing, but still. it was annoying. think i only ended up falling asleep at 2ish. and i kept waking up throughout the night. i know, i know, i kinda asked for it...

but there were other reasons why i couldn't fall asleep... for one, a downside to living alone in a place where i don't know very many people is that i don't feel as safe and secure as i'm used to. it doesn't help that my cottage is right next to a relatively busy road, and so i can always hear cars zooming by, cars parking by the curb that's just in front of the cottage, car doors opening and closing, people talking, people walking... and then because there're a lot of trees and plants around there also sounds of little animals running around, climbing, scratching, crickets chirping...

in the daytime these are all friendly sounds, but they become a lot more ominous at night when there are a lot less cars and a lot more critters. when a car stops outside you wonder why... when you hear a scurrying creature you wonder if it's inside or out. and this effect is amplified when you've just read a chapter of "lord of the flies" where the boys have just had a meeting in the dark to discuss if there is a beast in the jungle on their deserted island. which i did last night (i then watched an episode of "the office" to balance it out... it helps to hear dwight talking about how he went werewolf hunting and actually shot one, but by the time he got to it it had turned back into his neighbor's dog. =P). i think i've played the scenario of an intruder coming into the cottage to often that if it does happen (which it won't) i'll probably just smile and be like, "hi, how can i help you?" because i've been so desensitized to it. hehe. seriously and realistically tho, this is a really safe neighborhood, and there are a lot of families around so i probably don't have anything to worry about. =)

then for some reason, i woke up before 8 this morning and just could not go back to sleep! which means that i'll probably be really sleepy at bing/when i get back from bing which means i'll be really tempted by the idea of coffee and a nap. which will only perpetuate the vicious cycle. must. resist.

oh, and in case anyone heard about the earthquake in california and was wondering if i felt it and/or if i am safe, the answer is no didn't feel it, and yes i am safe. the earthquake was in southern california, and i'm further north. on that note tho, i was talking to this guy at bing about earthquakes and he said he's been in about 10 so far (he's in his mid-20s), but mostly minor ones. that's how frequently it occurs here! it's not really registering for me as a real threat since i've been living in malaysia, the country surrounded by the lingkaran berapi all my life.

and speaking of bing... i'm late! malaysian indeed betul.

farmers' market!

this is where i get my week's supply of fruit every sunday... i didn't take as many pictures as i wanted and most of them didn't turn out as nice as i liked tho, because there aren't very many tourists there and i was the only one wielding a camera. shy la. =P hopefully these are enough to give you a feel of it!

tomatoes, peaches, nectarines, apricots and pluots. yum yum. =)

citrus-y fruits. and avocados.

jams, preserves and fruit sauces.

almonds.

how i get my first full serving of fruit every sunday. =P

herbs and other small plants.


a flower stall.

i'm gonna miss the market when i leave palo alto!

pwesent.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANTHEA!

my baby sister isn't a baby anymore.
i'm glad you had a great day girl... and i'm glad i got to be a small part of it. =)
here was my celebration for your special day:



hehe.

i love you!

frame by frame.

i was really excited about having run so many kids so fast at bing, but on hindsight i guess i shouldn't have been so... enthusiastic. it's just a pilot, after all. heh heh.

so as a result, i hadn't been to bing for a while, until today. and instead of playing with kids i've been coding. ick. to all you psych noobies (=P), coding is where we quantify qualitative data. basically i'm watching videos of kids playing with toys frame by frame (there're 30 frames per second) and i have to record how much they extend their arms (vertically and horizontally), how long it takes them to lift their arms, whether they use one or two hands, how long they keep the toy on/off the table, how many times they repeat their actions... it's very tedious. it took me about an hour per video, and each video is only about 5 minutes long!

but. it's good experience. and it's nice to be a part of the data analyses too, not just data collection. and i now know not to run behavioral studies like this in the future unless i have unsuspecting undergrads who are willing to work for free that i can prey on. =)

snapshots of stanford.

my cottage. =)

the hoover tower.check out the blue, blue sky!

memorial church through an arch from memorial quad.

memorial church.

inside memorial church.

jordan hall, where the psych department is.

the oval between the main quad and palm drive.

someday.

today i happened to come across two blogs of people i know who are in the middle of traveling. one is in europe at the moment, and has visited spain, switzerland, and france so far. he is currently in belgium. the other i met in kolkata last year, and has gone back there this summer for about four months. he stopped briefly in new york and london on his way there. this is nothing compared to what he did last year though, when he literally traveled round the world - he was in tokyo, egypt, russia, and germany, among other countries, before arriving in kolkata. simply amazing.

reading their blogs not just fanned, but added kerosene and newspaper and cockroaches and all things flammable to my desire to travel the world. and i mean the world. i know cockroaches are flammable, by the way, thanks to ning jia who conducted the experiment in a flower pot many mooncake festivals ago.

it goes beyond simple traveling... i want to have the time, money and courage to see famous places as well as to go off the beaten track, stay as long as i want, and then moving on to wherever calls me next. i wanna meet random people along the way - people i'll never see again but people that i'll remember. i also wanna do something purposeful while i travel, though what exactly i don't know. i wanna discover myself as i discover the world. it's such a romantic notion that i honestly have little hope of it ever being met completely. but my desire to travel has always fallen along these lines of more than the lines of a sight-seeing trip, fun vacation or honeymoon. it's always been egocentric.

kolkata has whet my appetite. it was around this time last year that i was just about done with my three weeks there. my experiences there left me feeling so fulfilled... it's addictive. so. daddy, just say when!

as for my travels around the world... i guess i'll have to be patient. my time will come.

little things.

it's about 9 o'clock on a friday morning, and i've chatted with melmel on msn and she's sent me songs.

waking up early wasn't a waste after all... my day is made. =)

"i've got nostalgic pavements,
i've got familiar faces,
i've got mixed up memories,
and i've got favourite places.

and i'm singing uh-oh on a friday night."

- mouthwash, kate nash.

the inner child.

i had a good day at bing... or rather a good morning, cos i'm going back there in a bit. it always feels like such an achievement when kids you've just recently started working with actually approach you and start up a conversation, remember something you did with them last week, ask you to follow them somewhere, want you to sit at their snack table, or try to convince you to stay for story-time.

the highlight of today was when a 3-year-old offered me a hug and gave me an unexpected peck on the cheek! that totally made my day. =)

on my walk back home today, i remembered something my daddy told me about the younger me. he said that when i was a kid, i was always "the leader". when i ran, the other kids ran, when i stopped, they did too. when i wanted to play something, i generally managed to convince (force?) the other kids to play too, and i got to decide if younger kids could join us too.

the interesting thing is, most of what i remember of my childhood, especially in kindergarten/school isn't like that at all. i remember often feeling like the odd one out - the overgrown one (because i was often the tallest... and widest). i also remember seeking approval from the leaders of the pack, and often feeling as if i fell short. until i was a teenager, i don't actually remember feeling as if i had a secure group of friends.

so... the theory i've come up with is maybe growing up, i was always more comfortable, or more secure with younger kids than with my peers. and maybe that's something that has stayed with me til now. i mean, i don't bully them like i probably did when i was younger (unintentionally!), but with kids i feel more in control. i feel as if i fit. i know what makes them happy, and they make me happy effortlessly.

i have friends my age that i love and feel comfortable with too. and there are so many ways that those friends beat kids flat... you can't play jewish holiday or go yum cha with 3-year-olds.

it's just that for me, sometimes things feels easier with kids.

sue me.

it was a quiet weekend for me... hasn't really gotten old for me yet. sure, it would be nice to have a little group to hang out with, but given the circumstances i think i'll manage. campus is a really empty, except for the summer camps for high school students and younger kids. i've been attending a bible study every week, but it's a young adult thing which means a lot of them are quite a bit older than me (i'm a baby adult. =P). i've hung out with the grad student and his friends a couple of times too, but as all of them are grad students they're all older than me too. it's a different crowd, and there's nothing like playing apples to apples to highlight that. classmates are classmates. and as much as i want to i can't really hang out with the kids from bing outside of work.

on top of that, i'll be done with palo alto in a month!

so. i can deal with books, movies, skype and msn for company. =)

over the weekend i watched the ballets sleeping beauty and swan lake. i'd never watched them! i don't really remember what made me want to, but i had a midterm to study for so what better time, right? =P anyway, i enjoyed both of them... the dancing, the costumes, the sets, and the music by tchaikovsky. watching the principal dancer in swan lake perform 32 fouettes en tournant was simply awe-inspiring. made me miss ballet. but not pointe, nope.

and then, since i had so much reading to do before my midterm, i decided to watch disney's sleeping beauty! it was like watching it for the first time... i remember the images from my childhood, but the dialogue never registered. it's amazing how much our cognitive processing changes as we grow older. i also never noticed that some of the music for the cartoon was taken from the ballet!

okay, okay... i know i sound pretty pathetic, talking about my non-existent social life, ballets and cartoons. i'm, uh, growing.

please don't disown me. =(

love, or something like it.

"...out of two different natures love is born. in contradiction, love grows in strength. in confrontation and transformation, love is preserved."
- the zahir, paul coehlo.

"love is patient... always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
- 1 corinthians 13.

"the greatest thing you'll ever learn, is just to love and be loved in return."
- nature boy, eden ahbez.

reunion.

http://hannahyeoh.blogspot.com/2008/07/reunited.html

step by step.

once again, i've packed up my life and transplanted myself. didn't take all that long.

i don't know if i like this cottage better than the other one, but i think it's just because i got used to the other cottage... and because moving into a new place alone is kinda scary. especially at night. =P

but good news is i have the internet back! woot. and i have cable tv.

oh, and something i learned over the weekend: don't eat while watching "saving private ryan".

drowning.

i was listening to "drowning", by missy higgins last night, just before i fell asleep... and i realized the the lines

"'cause when you leave (left?) you stayed in my memory,
say goodbye for now and have a drink for us
and good luck, and find your way."

actually ended with

"and good luck in finding your way"

which actually makes a lot more sense. to think i just noticed that after listening to it many, many times over close to 5 years!
i still think it's a funny-sounding verse tho. but good song.

"when the one you leave is the on thing you believe,
you say goodbye when underneath's your one belief,
that love rules all, conquers all."

- drowning, missy higgins.

dooM.

SINCE WHEN DID STARBUCKS START CHARGING FOR ACCESS TO WIFI?!!

i got disconnected from the internet in the middle of making an online payment, and i couldn't get back on even after several hours of trying. i was so afraid my bank account was gonna be hacked or something! i don't know how rational that was, but i was pretty freaked out. out of desperation i went to the starbucks about 11 blocks away. and AFTER buying a drink i sat down and tried to get on the internet, but i couldn't! so i went up to the counter and the cashier told me that it's $9.99 for a day pass.

at least i got to try the green tea frap that i've been hearing about.

then i remembered the local library a few blocks away, but of course it's closed cos it's the 4th of july, so now i'm sitting outside on a plastic chair. thankfully i could get on, and from what i can tell, my money is safe. and the payment went through.

and since it's the 4th of july, it's a long weekend, and i think the people in charge of the cottage are out of town til monday. how am i gonna survive without the internet til then?! =( no the office, no heroes, no skype, no msn, no facebook, no email... gah.

and i'm almost done with the books i borrowed from the library. hopefully either this one or the stanford library will be open tomorrow. please please please.

i wish i was home for the prefects' reunion. MY YEAR's reunion.

opportunity cost, opportunity cost.

the Fiend and the Friend.

it's been a while since i've heard
from you, about the things you've
been up to. are you still lost,
or have you now found your groove?

maybe kilometers are the
ones to blame, but what about
the galaxies before? we
beat them all! so why this doubt?
ah, but yes, there are the miles,
and bangs and farenheit too.
but still. we were worlds apart
before; if not us, then who?

it's Time, isn't it? precious
Time, that has been lost to some
vicious Fiend, a selfish Fiend;
a Fiend, so cold and so numb.
a Fiend with ambition, who
wants to win, who wants what's good
in life. it charged down the path,
all alone, just like It thinks i should.

i tried to slow down, but It
surged, "straight ahead! 'round the bend!"
now i have Time, precious Time,
has the Fiend cost me a Friend?

=(=

it's gonna be my first 4th of July and they've cancelled all the fireworks in California because of the forest fires and recent lack of rain! boo.

i just finished writing my first paper for my bilingualism class.
writing papers, or rather finishing papers, almost always leaves me with a temporary feeling of increased intellect. stress on temporary.

today two people told me (independently) that i am good with kids. and those two people were from the bing nursery school.
ah, affirmation. =)