snow!

it's snowing! like lots. apparently it started at about 5am and it's been going strong ever since (it's about 12.30 now). everything's all white and pretty... especially the trees. and you can't even tell where the sidewalks end and where the lawns start, cos there's a white blanket over everything. i wanted to get some work done before going to church this morning, but i ended up going outside with vania, rony and amanda instead. threw snowballs and made snowmen. twas fun. =)

i don't wanna study and do my assignments!
ugh. maybe it'll keep snowing and snowing and snowing and it'll be a snow day tomorrow...
please?

have i mentioned that it's pretty outside? =)

funneling.

lately i feel as if my head has been filled with such trivial thoughts... my mind is always working, always buzzing but when i think about what i'm thinking about it never seems to be anything big or important or profound. i'm thinking, but not thinking about anything. kinda like when you rev the engine of a stationary car.

my "deep thoughts" seem to be mia. i miss them. they added some complexity and texture to my life... without them everything seems so mundane. routine. shallow. hollow. i wouldn't say pointless because i feel like i'm moving in the direction i want. but i wanna play a melody instead of just banging on piano keys. both make noise and both can be fun, but you kinda need a mixture of both.

maybe that's why i've been blogging less.

i'm pretty sure my profundity's in me somewhere, though. it's not lost. i just need to unscramble the jumble of alphabets in my head and form them into meaningful words and sentences so i can understand them myself. i think sean captured part of this in his post http://ambivalentmonk.wordpress.com/2008/01/22/writing-in-serial/ really, really well.

anyway.

"not all who wander are lost."
- printed on a tshirt i saw.

quickie.

is there an objective reality?

happy (belated) birthday eric doodoo! hope your senior citizenship is going well for you. =P

my blog's not dead!

i'm sleepy.

goodnight.

inertia.

hi, my name is adelle... and i've haven't taken ibuprofen for the past 4 days. =D
yup, my rib is feeling much better... i've been to the rec center, i can breathe properly again, and i can lie down in any position i want. feels good.

this weekend's a long weekend, because monday's martin luther king jr. day... i probably should be making the most of it and doing something spectacular, but here i am on the couch where i think i've made a permanent imprint of my butt. i actually have quite a lot of stuff to do - assignments, scholarship applications... but somehow i don't feel inspired. i honestly think it's due in part to the weather, or more specifically the short winter days. and the constant rain. on thursday when i got off work at 3.30pm the sun was out and the effect it had on my mood was amazing. i walked around semi-endlessly for about an hour, and then did my grocery shopping. ended up having to lug it home quite a long way on foot... and by then of course the sun had set. no thanks to the cold plus the weight of my groceries, my fingers were all white by the time i got home, and i couldn't feel them for a couple of minutes! anyway. having had 12 hours a day of sunshine, 365 days a year, having the sun rise close to 8am and start setting by 4.30 is tough... i feel sleepy almost all the time! it could be me just getting lazier, but i like having something extraneous to blame. don't we all?

oh and i almost forgot! i watched breakfast at tiffany's today. mainly because i've wanted to watch it since hearing the song by deep blue something. =) it was technicolor and on a video cassette.... old school huh? on an unrelated note, classes have been going well enough... psychopathology has been thought-provoking, learning and memory has been entertaining, or rather my professor has, gen chem is still borderline boring, chem lab has been multitasking galore, and calculus has been a pleasant reunion between me and math. i still haven't figured out how to use a graphing calculator tho.

in summary, i've been plodding along... slowly, but moving forward nonetheless. one angstrom at a time.

"i feel these four walls closing in
face up against the glass
i'm looking out, mmm
is this my life i'm wondering
it happened so fast
how do i turn this thing around
is this the bed i chose to make
there's greener pastures i'm thinking about, mmm
wide open spaces far away

all i want is the wind in my hair
to face the fear but not feel scared."

- wild horses, natasha bedingfield.

ice ice baby.

so it was a really cold morning... below freezing. but the sun was out, and there was frost on the grass and leaves so it was a really pretty morning too. i was walking to class, not too fast, because i was still waiting for the ibuprofen i had popped a few minutes before to take effect... and all of a sudden my feet disappeared from under me and i was on my bum on the sidewalk.

it didn't hurt, it was embarrassing, and it was very funny.
but none of you saw it happen. hah!=P

ibuprofen.

i've moved out of the dorms! bye bye tiny room, bye bye drafty showers, bye bye unwanted peeks of bums, bye bye worrying about getting locked out, bye bye carrying toiletries around, bye bye walking down stranger-filled corridor in my bathrobe...
hello attached bathroom, hello piano, hello kitchen, hello upstairs and downstairs, hello big(ger) room, hello whacky but awesome housemates! =D

on a not-so-happy note, i had what felt like a stitch in my side on friday night/saturday morning... which i thought would pass and so ignored. but i don't think it liked being ignored very much so it decided to become very painful and by saturday night it had my full and unwilling attention. i was hoping it would be satisfied and would leave me alone by sunday since i spent my saturday night on the couch keeping it company, but nope, it was very much there and was still very painful. especially when i walked. or moved. or breathed. i had to return a book to the library before going for mass, and by time i got to church i was literally in tears. so i pretty much spent my sunday on the couch too... wishing mommy or daddy would magically appear to take me to sjmc or klinik segera. this morning i went to the health center to get it checked out. had xrays taken and blood tests done... verdict? i probably injured my rib somehow (maybe when i was moving my very heavy suitcase over?) and there's nothing much i can do about it other than rest some more, pump painkillers and not go to the rec center for about a month. A MONTH! i didn't need another good, valid excuse not to exercise!

and... happy birthday yin! first of the gang to hit the big two-oh... let me know what it's like on the other side. =P

a step back?

i've just completed the last step of the withdrawal process from the honors college - meeting with the associate director. i was pretty nervous, 'cause i was worried he would give me a hard time about it. so i had cemented my resolve, steeled my nerves, put on the war-paint... but it was unnecessary as he turned out to be very nice. and understanding. and most importantly, he gave me the closure and the reassurance i needed about my decision to withdraw (sounds so much better than "quitting" or "dropping out") from the honors college.

i told him about my plans to double minor in special education and business, and to complete an honors in psychology, and to write a thesis in the intersection between psychology and special education, and to get into a good grad school, and to ultimately go back to malaysia to Make a Difference. and he agreed that doing what i'm doing now, i.e. withdrawing from the honors college so i can accomplish all that, is the probably the best thing to do. he said that given my results last term and my plans for the future, i can do without the edge the honors college would give me to get into grad school. that was precisely what i needed to hear, because it was my biggest fear - that i was turning away from what is actually the more beneficial route.

but now i'm almost completely sure i did the right thing.

now to infinity and beyond!

first step.

the part that is hardest for me, and the part i dislike the most about going to the rec center is actually getting My Big Bum (yes, it's a proper noun now) off my chair, out of my dorm room, down the stairs and out the door.

mainly because i dread the rain and wind and cold that i'd have to face the whole two or three blocks up the road. (which suddenly feels like a whole lot more!)

also because i think about how i might try to do something, like run on the treadmill for a certain length of time at a certain speed, and not be able to do it.

and i come up with all sorts of excuses that make it even harder for me to get My Big Bum off my chair, out of my dorm room, down the stairs and out the door. like i won't have time to wash and dry my hair, i should be doing my homework, i just had lunch/dinner so i'll feel sick if i exercise, i already went yesterday...

once i get there though, it's a whole different story. i tell myself i might as well make the most of it, since i'm already there. maybe if i do enough exercise today i won't have to do it again tomorrow. you can do it, a bit more, one last push... well done.

that wasn't so bad. in fact, it was pretty darn good.

now all i have to do is to figure out how to remind My Big Bum of this feeling every time My Big Bum is too lazy to get off my chair and out of my (relatively) warm room.

and when i think about it, this self-psyching-out doesn't only apply to My Big Bum and the rec center.

let it be.

first day of winter term 08. i'd say it went pretty well. =) had four classes of my five, and all of em seem manageable enough. for now. i was actually bored in chemickstry. BORED! and i was enjoying being bored lol. such a change from the barrage of information that flew over my head last term, since i'm now in general chem as opposed to honors gen chem. my learning and memory professor was pretty weird, but funny random weird, which i don't mind in the least. gonna be a preetty interesting class i think. i already have quite a number of items on my "to do" list, and it's growing... but but but i can do this. yup.

so today when i was walking around campus, getting from place to place, i bumped into about 5 people i knew outside of class which is like a 500% increase, yay. =P and in between classes i've been making my way through 'kite runner' by khaled hosseini, which i've heard a lot about and finally managed to lay my hands on, since sean had it and lent it to me. been a really good read so far... welcome respite between classes. not that classes were very taxing today.

oh and it snowed on saturday! right here in eugene! i ran around the house squealing like a jakun (which i was and had the right to be) then ran out and stood in the snow for a bit. it was so cool to look up and see what looked like ais kacang shavings fall on you! hehe. i decided to go for evening mass that day, and walked to church in the snow... we sang a lot of christmas carols, so in some ways it felt more like christmas day than christmas day did. it didn't last long, but it was fun while it lasted.

things've been looking up. talking things out, and being able to talk things out does wonders. and to think it could've remained buried under a bunch of rocks...

"and when the night is cloudy
there is still a light that shines on me
shine until tomorrow
let it be."

- let it be, the beatles.

cycling.

i cycled today for the first time in four months... my hands were frozen but i loved it.

it reminded me of plucking leaves for "petrol".
of cycling up and down ramps, round and round the usj 11 park.
of cycling really fast in the park near my house, and then braking on only one side so that i (unintentionally) ended up doing a spectacular but painful cartwheel with my bike.
of the first time i ever went somewhere alone - i was allowed to cycle to a friend's house two blocks away.
of playing chicken along 18/1 and crashing headlong into mel.
of carrying my bike up the steps of the 18/5 park, or up the overhead bridge to 19.

good stuff. =)

okay i think i've caught up with my blogpost quota now. hehe.

resolution.

(noun)
1. a firm decision.
2. an expression of opinion or intention agreed on by a legislative body.
3. the quality of being resolute.
4. the resolving of a problem or dispute.
5. the process of reducing or separating something into components.
6. the smallest interval measurable by a telescope or other scientific instrument.
7. the degree of detail visible in a photographic or television image.

- oxford english dictionary.

i will take more control of my life, so i can stop seeing myself as "the victim".
i will be happy for others. just because they get something i didn't does not give me the right to be bitter.
i will travel, travel, travel. and travel.
i will focus on what i have, and make the most of it. think lemonade.
i will probably fail to achieve all of the above all the time, but most importantly
I WILL TRY.

silence.

my first day of 2008 was a placid, languid one.

the highlight was going to church for mass at 11am, but finding out there was only one mass that day at 9am...
and then standing outside the dark, empty, quiet church, staring in, trying to decide whether or not to go in...
and then finding myself walking in despite my brain bashfully protesting, saying it would be weird if anyone saw me sitting there all alone ...
and then finding myself kneeling in prayer, in the dark, empty, quiet church, by myself...
all sense of time dulled because i had no clock, watch, or cellphone...
hearing the steady drip of water outside...
looking up everytime i heard something creak, my brain still self-conscious...
but feeling at peace, soothed...
thinking that that brief time when all else was temporarily suspended was probably better than simply going through the motions...
reflecting on the year past and the year ahead...
and then just sitting in

silence

until i felt i'd had enough, although i'm not sure "enough" is the right word to use...
and then getting up, dipping my finger and making the sign of the cross...
and then stepping outside...
into the rain.

two-oh-oh-eight.

i have about 4 hours of 2007 left. wondering whether to do anything special, or to just have a quiet one. the seemingly obvious choice would be to say a big bye bye to 2007 and a big hello to 2008, but i don't know... somehow a quiet new year's seems more fitting this time round.

i've been looking back on 2007... and it's been an interesting hodge-podge. i won't go through everything it was, but the overarching theme was one of stagnation as well as growth for me. it's definitely a paradox - i feel as if i've grown complacent about who i am, what i've become and where i am, but at the same time i feel as if i've been pushing myself and have been pushed out of my comfort zone many times over the past year. i did a lot, and yet feel as though i could have done a lot more.

somehow i don't feel completely satisfied.

and i suppose that's one of the main reasons why i'm so afraid of 2008 - because i'm under pressure from myself to make it count (more). but i don't know how! there are so many unknowns... i have close to no idea what to expect next year. tomorrow. 4 hours from now. and that's scary! that and the fact that i'll be turning 20 and will never be a teenager again. eek.

spent the past four days in seattle, which was a lot of fun. i feel like that was my new year celebration actually. i'll try to gather pictures from all my excursions this break from the people who had charged cameras so i can share with all of you, kay? =)

happy 2008 everyone... i hope you welcomed the year the way you wanted to.

ps: the call from melmel and the gang was awesome. thank you... love you guys!