10.

10 days.
including today.
10.
as in 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... 0.

you la... why'd you have to make me count >.<

love will conquer fear.

love is now, you said
and i know how i feel;
vulnerability, you said,
but you can't force yourself.

what is love? i asked,
how do we know it's real?
what if we fail? i asked,
what if it hurts too much?

no, i said, cos i'm afraid.
i see both sides too clear.
you looked at me, you smiled and said,
trust, love will conquer fear.

random.

see so fast di i lazy to post. not like there hasn't been anything going on in my life.

i cut my hair! it's not drastically shorter, but it's definitely shorter than i've had it in a long time. and i have a fringe! kinda. some people said it just looks like a shorter version of my old hairstyle, but i don't think so. it's a bigger change than that okay. or maybe i'm just trying to justify the anxiety i felt before cutting my hair. hehe.

my grandmother was almost scammed into giving out her bank account number... idiots. they called her saying that someone has forged her mykad and now she has to appear in court cos she has been found to be involved in money laundering and loan sharks but they "know it wasn't her", and they "want to help her", so she should give them her full name, ic number and bank account number so they'd be able to "check" to see if any money was actually gone. or something like that la. she only gave them her full name and account number... but apparently that's dangerous enough cos they can forge a mykad and use it to get her account number at the bank! as if that wasn't bad enough they said not to call anyone cos they might need to call her back so she should keep her landline free... so my poor grandmother had to panic all alone the whole day (she stays by herself now my grandfather's gone) until my aunty went to see her in the evening. and now she doesn't want anymore bank accounts and wants her phone line terminated cos "they" have her number - she's that traumatized. like i said, idiots.

another thing i've noticed about blogging, or rather about me blogging. when i put up posts, it's nice to get a response - it makes me feel as if there're people listening, and like i'm not just monolouguing alone aka talking to myself. but on the other hand i can't possibly expect a response from everyone who reads my blog on everything that i post... and sometimes i'm not sure i want a response. so... yeah. i don't actually have a conclusion to this.

"imagine there's no heaven
it's easy if you try
no hell below us
above us only sky
imagine all the people
living for today"

is that necessarily a good thing?

"imagine there's no countries
it isn't hard to do
nothing to kill or die for
and no religion too
imagine all the people
living life in peace"

would life be worth living with nothing to kill or die for?
and would people really live life in peace with no religion and no countries?

- imagine, john lennon.

like before.

"can we just be friends again? please?"

"sure."

"like before?"

"i don't think so, peyton... like before is gone."

i've been watching lots of one tree hill. and grey's anatomy.
two more weeks.

let me fall.

"i've become much too good at being invincible
i'm an expert at play it safe, and keep it cool...
but i swear this isn't who i'm meant to be
i refuse to let my life roll over me.

let me feel,
i don't care if i breakdown
let me fall,
even if i hit the ground
and if i cry a little, die a little
at least i'd know i lived, just a little...

i wanna be somebody
i, i wanna be somebody
i wanna be somebody
i, i wanna be somebody who can face the things that i've been running from"

- "let me fall", bethany joy lenz

i will survive!

at the mahatma's request, i have, as you may have noticed, increased the number of posts i have per page. i suppose it makes for easier reading... but it looked neater with one post a page somehow. so i'm anal, deal. also with more posts per page it seems like more of me is exposed at one go... kinda like i've changed into a tube and miniskirt after wearing a baby tee and jeans, make sense? lol.

so i've been shopping a lot lately... well more like comparing prices la, i haven't bought much. yet. after living in a country like malaysia your whole life, shopping for clothes to bring to a place where the annual average temperature is about 12 degrees celsius is bewildering! i feel so noob... like i honestly thought i'd be able to survive 10 degrees with a hoodie and the lady at this winter clothing store was like "nooo cannot! you have to wear long johns, a sweater and a jacket... 3 layers!" gosh. it's gonna be so weird to have to wear so many layers everytime i go out, especially since now i can walk out of my house in a sleeveless top and shorts anytime i want. in fact, it's probably the most comfortable thing to wear out. nyeh.

i don't do layers! i don't have layers! so now i have to buy layers! oh and layers aren't cheap okay! think 3 times the clothing, so 3 times the cost. i mean here even if you buy a jacket to wear to college or something you can survive with 2 or 3, but if it's something i have to wear every day there, i need more! so that's more clothes, squared. more clothes for the layers, and more clothes for variety. and that means more cost, squared. i've been comforting myself by converting the cost from rm to usd... like if i spend 700 ringgit here, it's 200 usd which really isn't so much for shoes, a hoodie, two sweaters, jeans, bags, and a bit more. right? right?

on a totally unrelated note (well maybe just a teensy bit related)... for 3 hours on saturday there was this possibility that i might not have had to leave home in a little over 2 weeks after all. that i might have been here til february. that i might have been getting a 50% tuition-fee scholarship to study in australia. 50% for the next 3 years. that i might have been going to a slightly better university instead. that i might have been going to a country where there are people i know, a country that i know friends are planning to go to as well. heck i might have been leaving with them, instead of before them. that i might have been closer to home for the next 2 or 3 years. but, like i said, there was this possibility. things have returned to the status quo.

do i feel regret? maybe.
did i want to go to australia instead? kinda.
do i wish i wasn't going to the us? not really.
do i think things are better this way? i don't know.
do i think things will work out in the end? probably.

i think sometimes people get too caught up in the what-might-have-beens that they fail to realize that the what-might-have-beens are actually what-could-not-bes. there's a difference. and i think that everything in life happens for a reason, and even if it's something you're not sure you want it's comforting look back and see how everything you've been through has brought you to where you are today... and where you are might be less than ideal, but it isn't all that bad is it?

i'll survive.

strange.

i don't think anybody realizes how similar we really are.
and it's strange i think that, because we're probably more different than i think.

i don't think you pay as much attention to me as i do to you, if you do at all.
and i think i pay as much attention to you as i do now because, strangely, i feel threatened by you.

strange because i really don't know you.
strange because when i think about it, i really don't have reason to feel threatened.
or maybe i do. hmm.

the human mind does strange things.
and yes, i know i'm strange too. =)

you.

you, sluggies remind me of you.
and you, green reminds me of you.
and you, mangoes remind me of you.
and you, dai di reminds me of you.
and you, the flight of the bumblebee reminds me of you.
and you, sleepovers remind me of you.
and you, tiramisu reminds me of you.
and you, volleyball reminds me of you.
and you, chocolate reminds me of you.
and you, big round sunglasses remind me of you.
and you... every sunset reminds me of you.

ps: you starts looking weird the longer you stare at you. hehe.

colorgenics.

got this link (colorgenics) from val's blog, and she heard about it from mel. this is the personal profile they generated for me... some of it hits pretty close to home =)

"At this particular time, you are feeling that you are or were unjustly and undeservedly treated and/or betrayed in your hopes and dreams. You feel that everything is against you. But look on the bright side for you are, whether you believe it or not, a survivor.

You are a leader in every sense of the word. You know where you are going and you know what you need to do in order to get there. You exercise an inherent initiative in overcoming obstacles and difficulties. You either hold, or wish to achieve, a position of authority by means of which full control can be exerted over events.

You give the impression that you are a self-sufficient individual, pretending that you are stoical - indifferent to pain or pleasure. But this is not so, for in truth you are an extremely emotional person, one that may make hasty decisions and perhaps repent at leisure. It is time now perhaps to break the bond of detachment and become the real 'you' - the you that you would like to be.

Your stress and anxiety are a result of an emotional disappointment. It could well be that the emotional relationship is no longer running smoothly and you have come to the end of your tether. On the one hand you would like to free yourself from this relationship altogether, yet on the other hand, you don't want to lose anything nor risk the uncertainty of throwing away something - something that's precious, something that could be the 'Real Thing'. Perhaps for the first time in your life you really don't know which way to go and it is these contradictory emotions that are causing you the untold stress. You are pretending to the world that you don't care but even this air of pretence is causing you much heartache.

You are moody and depressed at this time but it will pass. All of your hopes and dreams seem to have gone astray and you are fearful of planning further for the future. Disappointment at the non fulfilment of your hopes and the fear that to formulate fresh goals will only lead to further setbacks have resulted in considerable anxiety and you try to escape from this by withdrawing into yourself. But that is not the answer. You have the power to succeed, believe in yourself... all is possible to him who believes."

revelation.

today you made me realize how much self-worth i actually do have... the fire i thought extinguished was glowing embers that just needed rekindling.

thank you, i needed that. =)

the beasts.

locked up in her mind

her eyes their peephole

they lurk in the dark

unseen.

disguise them she does

with lipgloss and smiles

to keep them that way -

unseen.

but

that doesn't stop them

from baring their teeth;

devouring her soul

unseen.

why la why.

this morning i checked my wallet and found 50 ringgit missing. i've got a feeling it was taken at work yesterday.

50 ringgit is a lot or not much depending on who you are, but what irks me most is the principle behind it. the people here are people i've talked to - we're not all chummy but still, it's a slap in the face to think that whoever took my money was having a friendly conversation with me a few minutes before. one minute they're laughing with me and the next they're opening my bag, my wallet, my billfold and putting my money into their pocket. that's both an invasion of my privacy and a violation of my rights.

in a way it's better to have it taken by a stranger whom i don't know and will never see again. then my blame wouldn't have a face pinned to it. this way i have to face the people i suspect, and i'll never know for sure who took it. it's hard to treat everyone the same as before, and it's not fair for me to treat the innocent any differently.

it wasn't even my money. my mum gave me the money to buy something for her. two days' work doesn't give me 50 bucks. but whatever.

it's ironic to think that i didn't lose a single rupee in kolkata the three weeks i was there. i spend 5 days here and lose 50 ringgit.

i guess they needed it more than i did. they'd better. either way i'd rather my money have been taken in kolkata.

death.

for some reason, death seems to have come up pretty often for me recently. my grandfather passed away, i found out someone i knew (not very well though) was dying, and then someone's grandfather passed away, someone else's mother passed away, someone else passed away unexpectedly and today i found out that the someone who was dying passed away at 11am yesterday. and somewhere in between all this i was in kolkata - in kalighat where there were people who were fighting for their lives, people who had lost the will to live, and people who suffered but still saw the joy in life; and also in shishu bhavan where i saw kids who to me didn't seem to be able to have a purpose in life - i don't quite know how to phrase it but basically it made me wonder if there was a point to their living out their lives, if death would be a better alternative for them. death, death, death.

and whenever i think about death the questions about life inevitably follow. what is the purpose of life? why are we here? is there life after death? if there isn't, is there a point to life? should we all just commit suicide to get it over with? and if there is, is death so bad after all?

i've never really feared death, not my death nor the death of others. it's not like i wouldn't care if the people i loved passed away... but i believe in life after death and so to me, they've just moved on to better things. i'll miss them, but i'll see them again. i think grief over death is essentially the knowledge that you'll miss the person, that you'll have to learn how to live life without them ( i know it's not as easy as it sounds)... not so much the thought of that other person losing their life. if they have gone on to better things isn't it selfish to be sad that they have?

if i found out i was dying, my biggest worry would be about whether i'm ready to meet my Maker, and the second biggest would be about how the people around me would deal with it, not so much about what i have to do to make my life "complete", because i don't think life can ever be "complete". people always say it's "such a waste" whenever someone young passes away, because there's still so much for him/her to experience in life. but there's no way to do everything, to experience everything, to see everything... i think life is complete as it is - dreams, regrets, hopes, missed chances, plans and all.

the other thing i still haven't figured out is how to act around people who have just lost someone near and dear to them. do they want sympathy? wouldn't that just remind them of their loss? i can't say i understand, because until i've been through the same gut-wrenching experience all i have is theory. should i give them a hug? does a hug do anything for grief? i always feel so helpless, like everything i can do is so futile that i might as well do nothing. but i suppose being there for the person reminds him/her that there are people here for him/her, other things and people to live for, and that life can and will go on.

BUT (and this's a big but, as big as mine) i'm not dying, and i haven't had anyone really close to me pass away - my grandfather was the first immediate relative - and so i'm probably in no position to view death in such an optimistic light.

i apologize if this post was insensitive to people who have lost loved ones... i'm writing from the perspective of one who has yet to feel that irreplacable loss. when i do cross that bridge i'll let you know if i feel the same.



"it makes you think about the life you've led,
the shit you’ve done, the things you've said,
and its grounding, grounding.
i’ve been feeling 3 feet tall this month, hardly indestructible,
but the snow melts and the rhythm still goes on.

an angel got his wings and we'll hold our heads up,
knowing that he’s fine.
we’d all be lucky to have a love like that in a lifetime."

- winter, bayside.

see you kenneth.

i love you but i don't trust you.

so i've been watching one tree hill. nathan says to haley in an episode of season 3: "i love you but i don't trust you". and i'm wondering, "how does that work?"

i want you to be independent but i want you to need me.

i'm happy for you but i wish it were me.

i don't like you but i want you to like me.

i don't care but it hurts.

i can forgive but i cannot forget.

i love you but i don't trust you.

does it work?

love, me.

dear you,

i'm sorry for not living up to your expectations. all your expectations. don't get me wrong, i don't blame you for having expectations of me. you probably mean well... in fact i know you do. it's probably because of those expectations that i've come as far as i have.

but. sometimes i wish you knew how much pain those expectations cause me. how much pain it causes me to fail you, or to feel as if i did. you say things, and they hurt. again, i don't blame you for saying those things, because it's what you think and feel and i want you to share them with me. but they hurt. because they make me feel as if i've disappointed you. i think you don't actually realize how much of what you say i think about in bed, before i go to sleep. or when i wake up. or when i'm with my friends. or when i'm home alone. or when my mind goes on one of it's many random meandering rambles. i play it over and over again. and i feel like a failure. yeah, me. a failure. and that hurts.

i promise i will try - i always have. i've done things i don't really wanna do, and convinced myself that it's something i wanna do, just to make you happy. to make you proud. but it never seems like enough. there's always something bigger i could've achieved, something better i could've done. something someone else has done that's better. but i will try to live up to your expectations. i will give it my best.

if my best fails you, please remember that it was my best. remember that it hurts to fail when you've given it all you've got. please make me feel that it's okay. even if it isn't. because it will make it hurt less.

love, me.

will you remember me?

"i will remember you,
will you remember me?
don't let your life pass you by;
weep not for the memories..."

- sarah mclachlan

omg it's the 8th. one month. one. more. month.

"just in case".

so i've been thinking a lot lately about the fear of letting go, and i suppose the fear of change that comes with it. i thought about it most when i was cleaning out my room - deciding what to throw away and what to keep. i realized then how much stuff i had that i didn't really want or need. i won't call it junk because it's not rubbish - most of it could still be used and would probably have been a lot more useful had i given it to someone else instead of letting it gather dust in my hidey hole over the past few years. after realizing how i had so much stuff i didn't need or want, i tried to figure out how i'd managed to hoard so much of it considering yeah, i didn't want or need it.

i came to the conclusion that i had kept most of it "just in case". just in case i threw it away and someday decided that i wanted it after all but wouldn't have it anymore.

some of it i didn't think i would use but just thought it was nice to have. or because i thought others thought it was nice to have. and who knew, maybe i'd grow to like it and then i'd be happy that i had the foresight to keep it. if i threw it away i might never get it back again.

some of it i didn't want others to have. i didn't want it as long as i had it, but i was afraid that once i gave it up i might want it just cos someone else had it instead. and then i'd want it but i wouldn't have it.

some of it i kept because it was too sayang to throw away. like i've had it for a while and i don't really want it anymore, but i hang on to it because i think i should. just cos i've had it for a while. if i threw it away, what if i forgot the story behind it too? i'd never get the thing back again, and might never have those memories again.

"just in case".

are there things in your life you hold on to "just in case"?

or people?

"the only thing that makes life possible is permanent, intolerable uncertainty; not knowing what comes next." - ursula k. leguin, whoever she is. i read it somewhere.