"just in case".

so i've been thinking a lot lately about the fear of letting go, and i suppose the fear of change that comes with it. i thought about it most when i was cleaning out my room - deciding what to throw away and what to keep. i realized then how much stuff i had that i didn't really want or need. i won't call it junk because it's not rubbish - most of it could still be used and would probably have been a lot more useful had i given it to someone else instead of letting it gather dust in my hidey hole over the past few years. after realizing how i had so much stuff i didn't need or want, i tried to figure out how i'd managed to hoard so much of it considering yeah, i didn't want or need it.

i came to the conclusion that i had kept most of it "just in case". just in case i threw it away and someday decided that i wanted it after all but wouldn't have it anymore.

some of it i didn't think i would use but just thought it was nice to have. or because i thought others thought it was nice to have. and who knew, maybe i'd grow to like it and then i'd be happy that i had the foresight to keep it. if i threw it away i might never get it back again.

some of it i didn't want others to have. i didn't want it as long as i had it, but i was afraid that once i gave it up i might want it just cos someone else had it instead. and then i'd want it but i wouldn't have it.

some of it i kept because it was too sayang to throw away. like i've had it for a while and i don't really want it anymore, but i hang on to it because i think i should. just cos i've had it for a while. if i threw it away, what if i forgot the story behind it too? i'd never get the thing back again, and might never have those memories again.

"just in case".

are there things in your life you hold on to "just in case"?

or people?

"the only thing that makes life possible is permanent, intolerable uncertainty; not knowing what comes next." - ursula k. leguin, whoever she is. i read it somewhere.