death.

for some reason, death seems to have come up pretty often for me recently. my grandfather passed away, i found out someone i knew (not very well though) was dying, and then someone's grandfather passed away, someone else's mother passed away, someone else passed away unexpectedly and today i found out that the someone who was dying passed away at 11am yesterday. and somewhere in between all this i was in kolkata - in kalighat where there were people who were fighting for their lives, people who had lost the will to live, and people who suffered but still saw the joy in life; and also in shishu bhavan where i saw kids who to me didn't seem to be able to have a purpose in life - i don't quite know how to phrase it but basically it made me wonder if there was a point to their living out their lives, if death would be a better alternative for them. death, death, death.

and whenever i think about death the questions about life inevitably follow. what is the purpose of life? why are we here? is there life after death? if there isn't, is there a point to life? should we all just commit suicide to get it over with? and if there is, is death so bad after all?

i've never really feared death, not my death nor the death of others. it's not like i wouldn't care if the people i loved passed away... but i believe in life after death and so to me, they've just moved on to better things. i'll miss them, but i'll see them again. i think grief over death is essentially the knowledge that you'll miss the person, that you'll have to learn how to live life without them ( i know it's not as easy as it sounds)... not so much the thought of that other person losing their life. if they have gone on to better things isn't it selfish to be sad that they have?

if i found out i was dying, my biggest worry would be about whether i'm ready to meet my Maker, and the second biggest would be about how the people around me would deal with it, not so much about what i have to do to make my life "complete", because i don't think life can ever be "complete". people always say it's "such a waste" whenever someone young passes away, because there's still so much for him/her to experience in life. but there's no way to do everything, to experience everything, to see everything... i think life is complete as it is - dreams, regrets, hopes, missed chances, plans and all.

the other thing i still haven't figured out is how to act around people who have just lost someone near and dear to them. do they want sympathy? wouldn't that just remind them of their loss? i can't say i understand, because until i've been through the same gut-wrenching experience all i have is theory. should i give them a hug? does a hug do anything for grief? i always feel so helpless, like everything i can do is so futile that i might as well do nothing. but i suppose being there for the person reminds him/her that there are people here for him/her, other things and people to live for, and that life can and will go on.

BUT (and this's a big but, as big as mine) i'm not dying, and i haven't had anyone really close to me pass away - my grandfather was the first immediate relative - and so i'm probably in no position to view death in such an optimistic light.

i apologize if this post was insensitive to people who have lost loved ones... i'm writing from the perspective of one who has yet to feel that irreplacable loss. when i do cross that bridge i'll let you know if i feel the same.



"it makes you think about the life you've led,
the shit you’ve done, the things you've said,
and its grounding, grounding.
i’ve been feeling 3 feet tall this month, hardly indestructible,
but the snow melts and the rhythm still goes on.

an angel got his wings and we'll hold our heads up,
knowing that he’s fine.
we’d all be lucky to have a love like that in a lifetime."

- winter, bayside.

see you kenneth.