Thursday 28 February 2008

my room!

yesterday as i was drifting off to sleep, i walked around my house back home in my mind... the living room, the dining room, the stairs... and then all of a sudden i was in the doorway to my room. and i realized that i haven't "been" to my room at all since getting here! at least not as far as i remember. it was weird, like i could still remember it pretty vividly, but i couldn't see it all at once. i had to put it together piece by piece as i "looked around", if that makes sense. my bed, my desk, the shelves above my desk, the shelf above my bed, my radio, my always-dusty lamp, my closet... how my clothes looked, either folded or hung, the mass of junk on top of that... the closet next to that and the bigger mass of chaos in it... how my bed felt. the fan... oh i miss enjoying the welcome cool draft from my fan and it's gentle creaking that lulled me to sleep. my windows that were almost always open, even when it rained heavily.

and then i fell asleep. i'm amazed i lasted that long, really. =P

Monday 25 February 2008

eyore.

when i arrived she was crying. they were on their way out to play, which they always love because they can run and scream to their little hearts' content. but she was saying she didn't wanna go outside. "i want my daddy," she wailed, wringing her hands, tears running down her cheeks. i went into the classroom to put my bag down.

when i got outside, she wasn't crying anymore. she was being carried. a while later, she was a little subdued, but she wandered around, drifting from toy to toy. and then she was her bubbly self again.

i am sitting on the bench when she climbs up and stands behind me. "where's lucy?" i ask, pretending to look for her. "have you seen lucy, vera?" "she's right there!" vera says, pointing behind me. "where?" i ask again, turning my head around, but not looking back far enough to see her.

she giggles and peeks out from behind me. "oh, there you are!" i exclaim. "i was looking all over for you!" she laughs gleefully. "again!" she demands, going back into her hiding place. we play a few more rounds of our hide-and-seek.

"poo!" she says, suddenly.
uh-oh. "do you need to go potty?" i ask.
"no, poo! like honey," she explains.
"oh, winnie the pooh? the bear?"
she nods her head.
"that's right, he does like honey. do you know any of pooh's friends?"
"um... wabbit!"
"rabbit? that's right. who else?"
"tigger!" "yeah, tigger is one of 'em too. what does tigger do?"
"rawrr..."
"haha, not exactly. but who else?"
she just smiles at me.
"what about piglet?"
she nods her head.
"eyore? he's a donkey."
"hee-haw," she goes.
"well, eyore doesn't really say hee-haw, but donkeys usually do. eyore's always really sad and gloomy... he's not happy most of the time."

her eyes widen and she looks at me. "does he want his daddy too?" she asks, nodding understandingly.

i'm caught off guard. "yeah... yeah, maybe he wants his daddy too."

Friday 22 February 2008

but.

sometimes you hear what you don't wanna hear.
sometimes you're forced to think about what you don't wanna think about.
sometimes you have to face what you don't wanna face.
sometimes you gotta do what you don't wanna do.

but.

what if you're right?

what if what you wanted to hear was what you wanted to hear because it is truth?
what if you what you wanted to think about was what you wanted to think about because it makes sense?
what if you didn't wanna face what you didn't wanna face because there is nothing to face?
what if you didn't do what you didn't wanna do because it is wrong?

but.

what if you're wrong?

Thursday 21 February 2008

me too.

i miss you too.
wish i was there.
or you were here.

where were you?

"how many special people change
how many lives are living strange
where were you while we were getting high?

slowly walking down the hall
faster than a cannonball
where were you while we were getting high?

someday you will find me
caught beneath the landslide
in a champagne supernova in the sky
someday you will find me
caught beneath the landslide
in a champagne supernova
a champagne supernova in the sky."

- champagne supernova, oasis.

Wednesday 20 February 2008

the brat.

i'm finally feeling like term has REALLY started. in week 7. out of 10 weeks. lol.

i have (re)realized how difficult it is to work for something and not see results in the near future, if not immediately. no matter how many times you remind yourself of the big picture, you need to see something, anything, to keep you going and to convince you that you are indeed moving forward. and that the effort you take in moving forward is not going to waste. as much as we'd like to think that we outgrow the need for immediate gratification and get better at dealing with delayed gratification, there is and always will be in us a remnant of the Spoilt Brat who wants that cookie and wants it now, even if waiting a while longer would be rewarded with two.

i guess "a while longer" is relative. and subjective.

"little darling, i feel that ice is slowly melting
little darling, it seems like years since it's been clear
here comes the sun, here comes the sun,
and i say it's all right
it's all right."

- here comes the sun, the beatles.

my daddy sent me this song today... ironic that it rained for the first time in more than a week this evening. =P
but it's a nice, happy song. strikes a chord.

oh, and happy belated birthday to jo leen dearest! hope you had a good one. =)

Friday 15 February 2008

once upon a time...

you put your right hand in
you take your right hand out
you put your right hand in
and you shake it all about
you do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around
that's what it's all about!

i think this is the longest yet that i've gone without blogging... this time it wasn't for lack of anything to blog about though, more of deciding where to start and what to leave out and when to put a post together. i still don't know where this is gonna go... we'll see. =)

school-wise i've been hanging in there... i still feel pretty apathetic about the work i have to do, although we're almost done with week 6! i mean i get it done, and i guess i'm doing well, but there's no heart in it. the classes i'm taking this term are definitely easier than the ones i took last term, but i seem to be subconsciously making things more challenging for myself. and by challenging myself i mean procrastinating. as with all my bad study habits, they seem to pay off which makes them all the harder to shake off. problem with this one, though, is that this habit in particular is creeping into a lot of other aspects of my life... where the consequences are considerably worse.

my most interesting, thought-provoking class this term is definitely psychopathology. it has made me see - really see - how behind every disorder is a human being like you and me who is probably as afraid, disgusted and/or disturbed by whatever it is that has robbed them of themselves. and it scares and angers me that children as young as four are being diagnosed and medicated. in my opinion the side effects of the medication that is forced upon them is little better than the symptoms of the disorders they may or may not have. what makes it worse is that there is close to no research done on psychiatric medication for children, so much so that prescribing medication is often a guessing game. problem is, the person guessing isn't the one who ultimately wins or loses.

every thursday there is a fellowship at the ucf house (where i'm staying - i love it here), and we have a mini class/discussion after dinner. last week we discussed evolution and creationism - all i'll say about it here is i'm glad i was brought up and have developed into someone who dares to disagree and question, and that for me, on both sides of the argument God, a divine being, a higher power must have had a hand in the origins of our existence. which leads to a whole host of implications for life, death and everything in between and beyond. you're free to disagree. today, in conjunction with valentine's day we talked about rayah, ahavah and dode - three hebrew words for "love", and the differences between them. i'll say more in another post. it was good.

every tuesday i have student staff training at the children's center where i work, and this week's theme was music. this guy who does children's events taught us some action rhymes and songs as well as gave us some pointers about what children really like and what would get them going. who knew the same songs and rhymes could also get a roomful of college students going too lol. i have so much respect for anyone, whether 4 or 24 or 64, who willingly participates in an action song whole-heartedly and enjoys it. i think these people are more mature than the people who think they're too mature for action songs. it was a lot of fun.

it's been really gorgeous over the past few days... it's nice seeing the sun for a few days in a row for a change. the sun makes me happy. =)

so rony (from indonesia) was teaching amanda (from portland) an indonesian folksong/nursery rhyme kinda thing a couple of days ago:

topi saya bundar (we say bulat),
bundar topi saya,
kalau tidak bundar,
bukan topi saya!

translation:
my hat is round,
round is my hat,
if it's not round,
it's not my hat!

and it so happens that that song is sung to the tune of "burung kakak tua", so i decided to share too:

burung kakak tua,
hinggap di jendela,
nenek sudah tua,
giginya tinggal dua!

of course, then i had to translate for amanda:

a parrot,
sat on the window,
grandma is old,
she only has two teeth left.

and they lived happily ever after.

the end.

Friday 1 February 2008

getting old(er).

the snow turned to snain, the snain turned to rain... the snow melted into slush, the slush melted into puddles of water.
december faded into january, january is fading (or has faded) into february... such is life.

i dreamt about a primary school classmate last night... it was really weird that i did, because i haven't seen or talked or heard from or heard of him in a long, long while. and that's kinda sad cos i think he was my first real boy friend. somehow in the whole "guys are icky" phase, something must have clicked between us and we developed a cool friendship. we could talk about deep stuff (or at least what was deep to our 11/12-year-old selves), joke about random things, laugh at and with each other, share and seek advice, keep secrets... and yet, probably what i find most amazing (though i'm not sure i should) about our friendship is that it never developed into anything more, neither on my side nor his. i was his girl friend and he was my boy friend. that's it.

i've known him ( i refuse to say "i knew him") for a really long time... and i've watched him grow. from hating any form of physical activity to playing basketball and getting into pretty good shape, from saying girls were a waste of time and money to having a girlfriend, from being the "math genius" when we were seven to "not caring about school" in high school to studying actuarial science in australia... pretty amazing.

i'm gonna track him down. and when i do, somehow i know that we'll be able to chat and catch up as if we'd just met up a few days before, like we always do. or always have.

speaking of watching people grow up, here's a shoutout to my dahling melmel who has just turned 20! =D since you've complained about me always dragging you down memory lane by your hair (har har.) on your birthday, i won't embarrass you by talking about any of the many incidents i hold so dear on my blog, kay? hope you had a great birthday, babe... wish i was there.

happy birthday to tata too (my now 84-year-old grandfather. who doesn't read my blog, btw.)! it was strangely comforting to call my grandmother's handphone and have him pick up, not be able to hear me, pass the phone to my grandmother, and then identify myself to her, have her pass the phone back to him, manage to get my birthday wishes across, and have the phone passed back to her because he couldn't hear me because they were at the market because they were out of fish and vegetables (she told me so.). =P

such is life indeed.