chega de saudade.

i think i've forgotten how to be excited for christmas. after spending it away from home and family for three years, and spending those three christmases mostly alone, i think i've learnt to associate it with nostalgia and a tinge of sadness.

it doesn't help that the days get ridiculously short (by my standards anyway) and that it gets uncomfortably cold in december. especially because i seem to be powered by sunshine and (relative) warmth.

this past week has reminded me of how i've spent the last three decembers, and i don't like it. it's the loneliness. watching multiple shows online every day (i'm now up to date on the apprentice, the big bang theory, how i met your mother, desperate housewives, and glee). sleeping, and always trying to sleep more because it fills time. eating alone. deciding whether it's worth taking a shower or not. you get the idea.

but every once in a while, when i look out the window at snowy rooftops, or cycle up king's parade (when it's not windy, raining or snowing), or overhear a tour guide, or have a productive day at work, or remember the places i've been and the things i've seen, or think of the people i have in my life... i'm filled with an immense sense of gratitude for being where i am today. and i feel like such a brat for complaining!

so. homeward-bound tomorrow. i'm very glad to be going home to spend christmas with the pushparatnams and leows once again. and i'm looking forward to spending time with the gang. and i'm extremely happy about getting away from the cold and coats, and going back to 12 hours of sunlight a day and shorts! and char siew and nasi lemak and chee cheong fan and...

but. at the same time, i know this christmas is going to be associated with nostalgia and a tinge of sadness as well. and you know, in a twisted way, i'm actually grateful for that as well - because i know why those feelings will be there, and i think it's a reason to be thankful for.

two thousand words.

love, amsterdam, 13 november 2010.

christmas market, prague, 6 december 2010.

apakah "hak" sebenarnya?

negaraku.

the more i read about post-colonial malaysian history, outside of our history textbooks and the malaysian media, the more i understand why we are where we are today, and the more i doubt we will ever get out of this vicious cycle.

i think the malaysians of my generation in particular, of all races and religions, have been done a great injustice, and malaysians, again of all races and religions, will inevitably face the consequences. i know i sound pessimistic and cynical when i say this, but i can't help but feel like this is probably as close to 1malaysia as we will get.

25 years.

"do you love me?

do i what?

do you love me?

do i love you?
with our daughters getting married
and this trouble in the town
you're upset, you're worn out
go inside, go lie down!
maybe it's indigestion..

golde, i'm asking you a question... do you love me?

you're a fool!

i know... but do you love me?

do i love you?
for twenty-five years i've washed your clothes
cooked your meals, cleaned your house
given you children, milked the cow
after twenty-five years, why talk about love right now?

golde, the first time i met you
was on our wedding day
i was scared

i was shy

i was nervous

so was i

but my father and my mother
said we'd learn to love each other
and now i'm asking, golde
do you love me?

i'm your wife!

i know... but do you love me?

do i love him?
for twenty-five years i've lived with him
fought with him, starved with him
twenty-five years, my bed is his
if that's not love, what is?

then you love me?

i suppose i do

and i suppose i love you too

it doesn't change a thing
but even so
after twenty-five years
it's nice to know."

- do you love me?, fiddler on the roof.

cem palavras.

last night i dreamt of a kitten that kept trying to bite me and then i realised it was a vampire kitty and it was sucking my blood.

and then i dreamt that i walked into a pool of water and when i walked out my legs were covered in leeches.

and then i dreamt that i was in the middle of a war and i was trying to hide from "them" and "they" found me and were taking me to a concentration camp.

strange in itself, but even stranger that these dreams followed what was a very good day.

"oh i know that the music's fine like sparkling wine
go and have your fun."

- save the last dance for me, the drifters.

on giving.

and what is fear of need but need itself?
is not dread of thirst when your well is full, thirst that is unquenchable?

- the prophet, khalil gibran.

hello, world.

the proud dignity
of the moon in the blue sky,
the sun in its eyes.

this free fall's, got me so.

i think i'll need another holiday after this one. it's been a lot of fun, i've been productive, and i've also had one or two days of doing absolutely nothing... but somehow i don't feel rested. i'm tired.

all in all, my year at cambridge (bar the last month) felt like more of a holiday than these past three months. there's irony for you.

birds can fly so high and they can shit on your head.

so i've reached that point again when i go, "right, i'm done with this. what's next?"

there's only so much sitting around i can do.

hit me baby one more time.

i was in the car with shwe ying when britney spears was played on the radio...
so we did the only thing we could have done: turn it way up and sing along at the top of our lungs. good stuff. =)

"sometimes i run
sometimes i hide
sometimes i'm scared of you
but all i really want is to hold you tight
treat you right
be with you day and night
baby all i need is time."

- sometimes, britney spears.

both of best worlds.

i think it's interesting how the familiar can become unfamiliar and the unfamiliar can become familiar.
and how sometimes we get tired of the familiar and start to look for the unfamiliar in the familiar.
and how sometimes we try to look for the familiar in the unfamiliar.
and how none of the above is necessarily good or bad.
sometimes the unfamiliar becomes so familiar that you fear it becoming unfamiliar again.
and sometimes the familiar is so familiar that you forget it is familiar.
and you wonder how much unfamiliarity will make you miss familiarity.
and how much familiarity will be needed to balance out the unfamiliarity.
and also, perhaps, how much unfamiliarity is needed to recognise familiarity.

infinity plus one.

"beribu bintang di langit kini menghilang
meraba aku dalam kelam
rembulan mengambang, kini makin suram
pudar ilhamku tanpa arah

izinkan ku mencuri bayangan wajahmu
izinkan ku mencuri khayalan denganmu

maafkanlah oh, andai lagu ini menganggu ruangan hidupmu
kau senyumlah oh, sekadar memori kita di arena ini

kau ilhamku."

- kau ilhamku, man bai.

serais ce possible alors?

of the three times i've come home after being away for a year, this time i feel the most different.

"eu sei e você sabe que a distância não existe
que todo grande amor só é bem grande se for triste
por isso, meu amor, não tenha medo de sofrer
que todos os caminhos me encaminham pra você...

assim como viver
sem ter amor não é viver
não há você sem mim
e eu não existo sem você."

- eu não existo sem você, tom jobim e vinicius de moraes.

do you remember?

a smell.
a song.
a picture.
a word.
a place.
a tree.
a flower.
a video.

how much of you is your past?

mei you yu xia ye hao.

i'm having another one of those phases where it feels like there is a lot going on inside my head, but when i take a closer look there isn't really all that much.

i think i'm just recovering from the madness that was last month, and getting used to the madness that is india. i'm just too tired for now to enjoy the whole process of discovering a new place, meeting new people, starting new projects etc., especially with the heat, the smells, the foreign language, and the squatting toilets. at least i have mangoes.

and the sense of accomplishment. though for some reason i'm not as happy as i thought i'd be... maybe it hasn't had a chance to sink in yet.

i want to watch the world cup! especially now that they've moved beyond the group stages!

and... i want to go home!

and it's the 28th of june.

and i wish i could go for a walk right now.

and i want to go to the beach.

and i want to walk around in shorts.

but i also wanted to be in india.

two halves make a hole.

i don't like the feeling of not being all there - of being in one place physically but having the rest of me somewhere else. i remember feeling this way in the states, in a slightly different way; when i was in one point in time physically, but always felt like i was living first in the past and then in the future.

but yeah, i don't like the feeling, because it stops me from fully enjoying where i am and the people i'm with, and doesn't help me get to where i want to be any sooner.

i want to be in india yesterday!

saudade.

i could complain. i could gripe, moan, rant... wallow.
but i've done enough of that. it doesn't really change things anyway.
for now (at least for the next couple of hours, before the effects of a certain phone call wear off. and the wine.), i shall focus on the positive.

i was reminded today of how lucky i am to have been given this opportunity to study here. here in my university, in my department, with my supervisor. i mean, how often do you get invited to a small dinner party with the heads of your department? more than that, how often do you get invited to a small dinner party with the heads of your department, and get treated as an equal? further, to a small dinner party with the head of department of another university in another country, so you can network and lay the foundations for your research and career?

and then comparing the way i was able to interact with them to someone who has not studied here, i saw, in a way i had not before, just how far i've come. how i was able to see things differently, to look one step ahead, to have my arguments laid out, to have the guts to stick to my opinion even under attack, and to have the courage to admit i don't know something. i mean this in the humblest of ways - it's not a set of skills i came here equipped with, and to be honest, i'm not sure how far outside of this bubble i can apply the same paradigm.

but the point is, i now have a better handle on this system. and this is an important system to have a handle on, because it is a system with many doors and many ladders. doors that i will have to walk up to and open on my own, and ladders that i will have to climb one rung at a time, but doors and ladders nevertheless.

"there's too many things that i haven't done yet
too many sunsets
i haven't seen
you can't waste the day wishing it'd slow down
you would've thought by now
i'd have learned something

i made up my mind when i was a young girl
i've been given this one world
i won't worry it away
but now and again i lose sight of the good life
i get stuck in a low light
but then love comes in

how far do i have to go to get to you
many the miles
many the miles
how far do i have to go to get to you
many the miles
but send me the miles and i'll be happy to
follow you, love."

- many the miles, sara bareilles.

do you have special needs?

it's nice to have things to be thankful for when there are things you are not so thankful for.

;)

i want cake.

so i know i've probably gotten a bit too used to everything going well and all being right with the world (or rather, my world)...
but seriously. why oh why oh why.
couldn't it all have been spread out a little bit? why does everything always have to happen at the same time?
i guess this is the time when i'm supposed to look back at that other post and "be reasonable"... but i am being reasonable.
it's everyone else (actually mainly indian high commissions) that's being unreasonable!

indian high commissions, and my dissertation deadline - for clashing with everything else.

f-king delleusional.

"And such a nature is prone to love and ready to return love, always embracing that which is akin to him. And when one of them meets with his other half, the actual half of himself, whether he be a lover of youth or a lover of another sort, the pair are lost in an amazement of love and friendship and intimacy, and one will not be out of the other's sight, as I may say, even for a moment: these are the people who pass their whole lives together, and yet they could not explain what they desire of one another. For the intense yearning which each of them has towards the other does not appear to be the desire of lover's intercourse, but of something else which the soul of either evidently desires and cannot tell, and of which she has only a dark and doubtful presentiment."

- from aristophane's speech in plato's symposium.

latent variable.

sometimes you notice things about yourself you don't like, traits that you know are hard to change and you just learn to accept about yourself.

but then, sometimes, you also notice things about yourself that you like.
and when you are going through a process of self-discovery and change, it's strangely comforting to realise that you're essentially still you.

even if you don't know exactly who you are.

"blessed be Your name
in the land that is plentiful
where Your streams of abundance flow
blessed be Your name.

blessed be Your name
when i'm found in the desert place
though i walk through the wilderness
blessed be Your name."

- blessed be Your name, matt redman.

strawberry cheesecake.

dissertation topic changed again.
i can do this.

"you see, i can be myself now, finally
in fact there's nothing i can't be."

- hey soul sister, train.

perah santan.

TWO full scholarships to choose from!
and a distinction within reach!

and only a 15,000-word dissertation in my way. which, the way things are going, i'll only have two days to finish writing, because i'll only get my complete dataset two days before it is due.

well okay, i'll have about 9,000 words ready before then (by next wednesday, hopefully!). and ready as in, approved-by-family ready (hopefully!). and then 9,000 words ready by the weekend, as in approved-by-supervisor ready (hopefully!).
so that when i collect the rest of my data by tuesday afternoon (the 8th), i'll be able to have everything coded by tuesday night (hopefully!), spend tuesday night, wednesday day and night writing furiously, have a draft by thursday morning (hopefully!), get it supervisor-approved by thursday evening (hopefully!), get it bound, and hand it in friday at noon (no hopefully - i MUST).

right.
scholarships, distinction, dissertation...
let's go.

they call me superman.

i walk a little taller,
smile a little brighter,
laugh a little louder,
breathe a little deeper.

shake it like a polaroid picture.

i've always talked about change as something inevitable, and therefore something we should just accept. but maybe a better way to look at change is as something we need. no matter how well things are going, or rather, especially when things have been going well for a while, ennui tends to set in. feeling comfortable usually means there is nothing making us squirm, nothing challenging us. and sure, we need that too, every once in a while. but then we get tired of routine and habit, start seeking out novelty... and when we get it, gripe about having to readjust. at least i do; i'm masochistic that way.

so. some day in the future, when i'm complaining about the way things are and wishing that i could go back to the way things used to be, i shall look back on this post and... i dunno, "be reasonable".

"somebody once asked,
could i spare some change for gas
i need to get myself away from this place
i said yep, what a concept
i could use a little fuel myself
and we could all use a little change."

- all star, smash mouth.

mozzarella.

"the trick is to do it right."

but if you try sometimes.

i've been thinking lately about how easy it is to get greedy. when things have been going well for some time, the slightest mishaps seem unfair. and then when one thing goes wrong i start to pick out everything else that is going wrong at the same time, no matter how trivial and petty.

and then i gripe about it and realise how ridiculous i sound. i can be such a brat at times. but i've been spoilt over the past eight months... it's hard not to get used to it. heh heh.

on a separate note:
sometimes you don't know how much you need something until you lose it;
sometimes you don't know how much you wanted something until you get it.

i've never really experienced the latter, until recently. it's quite an eye-opener.

i've lost my number; can i have yours?

i have 107 journal articles on autism and theory of mind!
and still only 6 participants.
and about 31 days until my dissertation is due.
10,000 more words to write.
33 days until i leave cambridge for about 3 months.
during which i will be home after having been away for about 10 months.
before which i will be experiencing 45-degree weather.

=O

"when the whole world fits inside of your arms,
do we really need to pay attention to the alarm?"

- banana pancakes, jack johnson.

edit: make that 121 articles! ah, now i feel less like haven't learnt much this year...

i'm a believer.

"love, then do what you will."
- st augustine of hippo.

stop right now, thank you very much.

"and i don't pretend to know what you know
now please don't pretend to know what's on my mind
if we already knew everything that everybody knows
then we would have nothing to learn tonight
and we would have nothing to show tonight
oh, but everybody thinks that everybody knows
about everybody else, nobody knows
anything about themselves
'cos they're all worried about everybody else."

- wasting time, jack johnson.

déjà vu.

so i know we're not supposed to live our lives in fear of making mistakes.
but what about living in fear of repeating mistakes?

"you breathed infinity into my world
and time was lost up in a cloud and a whirl
we dug a hole in the cool grey earth
and lay there, for the night
and you said,
"wait for me, we'll fly the wind
we'll grow old and you'll be
stronger without him"

but oh, now
my world is at your feet
i was lost and i was found
but i was alive and now i've drowned
so now i will be waiting
for the world to hear my song
so they can tell me i was wrong

but they weren't there beneath your stare
and they weren't stripped til they were bare
of any bindings from the world outside that room
and they weren't taken by the hand
and led through fields of naked land
where any preconceived ideas were blown away
so i couldn't say,
"no"

you sighed and i was lost in you
weeks could have passed for all i knew
you were the blanket of the overworld
and so i couldn't say, i wouldn't say, "no"
and they all said,
"you're too young to even know
just don't let it grow and you'll be
stronger without him

but oh, now
my world is at your feet
i was lost and i was found
but i was alive and now i've drowned
so now i will be waiting
for the world to hear my song
so they can tell me i was wrong."

- they weren't there, missy higgins.

butterfly wings and a fairy wand.

okay i'm beginning to feel nervous about my dissertation.
i don't like things being out of my control! gah.
it's going to be a mad month and a half.

starting... now.

so she said, "what's the problem, baby?"

i've never heard spring referenced as a season for love as much as i have here.
it would be interesting to see if ducklings, baby bunnies, tulips, daffodils and sunshine actually are related to an increase in human romance.
they make for gorgeous outings on the cam, at any rate.

i'm beginning to see what all the fuss is about.

"so i said i'm a snowball running
running down into the spring that's coming
all this love
melting under blue skies
belting out sunlight
shimmering love."

- accidentally in love, counting crows.

gnu rhymes with too.

dissertation due in under 7 weeks.
which means may bumps is in under 7 weeks.
which means summer break starts in under 7 weeks.
which means cambridge as i know it is over in under 7 weeks.

which means i have 7 weeks to collect data, analyse data, and write up my 15,000 word dissertation, 7 weeks to sort out my plans for summer, 7 weeks to spend with people i may never see again.

but also 7 weeks of sunshine, flowers, rowing, dancing, badminton, and fun. which really isn't so bad. =)

done.

i feel like it's about time for a proper, update-y post. not really for anyone else, but for myself, so i can one day look back at this post and be reminded of the past month. but it would be impossible to do the past month justice in a blog post, and i find it hard to imagine ever forgetting the past month anyway.

italy was great. i literally subsisted only on pizza, pasta and gelato... and sunshine. lots and lots of sunshine. and churches. lots and lots of churches. each place i visited had its own charm - assisi and its cobbled streets and steps, rome with history at every corner, rimini and its beach.

and when i was in rimini i found out i got a full scholarship from the cambridge trusts to do my phd here, which made me jump around in my hostel room for a bit. in the same wave of emails, i also found out that i got rejected by king's college london, and that i have a chance at graduating with distinction for my master's degree.

i had a lot of time to think while i was in italy. and not just think, but also to feel, and to feel intensely.

i thought my time in italy was great, but in some ways the time since, back in cambridge, has been even better. never has so much time passed more quickly and more serenely. my birthday started with socks, continued with breakfast in bed, a quiet morning, brilliant sunshine, a pleasant walk, tea and scones in an apple orchard, dinner with friends, champagne, sparkling wine, and chocolate cake, and ended with my room decorated in roses, tulips, and a potted plant (i still don't know what it is exactly... but it looks good!).

i haven't quite started work yet, but am easing myself into it. in the meantime, i'm collecting memories. like from earlier today, when i climbed through a window to have pasta in the sunshine (dressed in a tank top and shorts - and i felt warm!), climbed back through to get a pineapple, and then proceeded to eat half of it (which made my mouth hurt).

everything has been so amazing (read: a-mai-zing) that it's hard not to look for the catch, to brace myself for the fall. but for now, i'm just being.
and doing a pretty good job, if i may say so myself. =)

"well maybe you should just drink a lot less coffee,
and never ever watch the ten o'clock news,
maybe you should kiss someone nice,
or lick a rock,
or both.

maybe you should cut your own hair
'cause that can be so funny
it doesn't cost any money
and it always grows back
hair grows even after you're dead."

- ghost of corporate future, regina spektor.

he is not a priest, nor a married man.

"Não sou nada.
Nunca serei nada.
Não posso querer ser nada.
À parte isso, tenho em mim todos os sonhos do mundo."

- Álvaro de Campos (Fernando Pessoa).




i am nothing.
i will never be anything.
i cannot wish to be anything.
bar that, i have in me all the dreams of the world.

five red roses.

yesterday i sat on a beach, alone... listening to the sound of the sea, feeling the sun on my skin.
and i was at peace.

wave in, wave out.

wave in, wave out.

"maybe this won't last very long
but you feel so right
and i could be wrong
maybe i've been hoping too hard
but i've gone this far
and it's more than i've hoped for."

- for the longest time, billy joel.

rojak.

i have so much to say but i don't know where to start and it feels like nothing can do it justice so for now

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

will have to suffice.

i know this wasn't a very informative post, sorry. i just needed an outlet.

ah, life is good. =D

muito obrigada.

"sin is behovable, but all shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well."

- julian of norwich.

BUMP!

bossa nova.

today has been an exceptionally good day.

that is all.

=)

jasmine pearls.

although the sun had to struggle a little bit, today turned out to be a gorgeous day. golden sunshine, blue sky, birds singing, flowers beginning to push their way up... i decided on an impulse to abandon my thick coats and make do with just a t-shirt and hoodie instead (and jeans; i didn't go half-naked, don't worry. or get too excited).

sounds nice, no? the thing is, it was only about 4 degrees outside.

that's the thing about everything appearing to be perfect, isn't it? it gives you a (false) sense of invincibility. when all seems to be going well, it's easy to shed the layers that you have built up around you because they seem superfluous. it's not as difficult to let go of inhibitions, because you feel complacently secure. and that's fine for a while.

but then you have to remember that 4 degrees really still is pretty cold, and that as much as you wish it wasn't, it still is winter. and that spring will come in time. and that maybe you should enjoy winter for what it is instead of rushing through it in your hurry to get it over with.

ah, patience.

"yeah, and i'm just a waste of her energy
and she's just a waste of my time, mm hmm
so why don't we get together
and we could waste everything tonight
and we could waste, and we could waste it all
tonight, yeah."

- wasting time, jack johnson.

thou shalt not.

three women caned under syariah law

whom were they having sex with and were they caned too?
and is it really anybody else's business? or anybody else's place to judge and punish?

oh mickey, you're so fine.

"i can be an idiot... please be magnanimous."

i haven't blogged for a while... almost a month now. quite a lot has happened, and i've been doing some soul-searching as a result. things were never black and white for me, but they seem even more equivocal now. what i want, what i should want, what i should do, where i want to be, why i want to do/be what/where i want to do/be, whom i want to surround myself with. priorities. interestingly i'm not as driven as i usually am to sort it all out in my head. it's scary not feeling in control, but maybe control is an illusion after all.

i think i'll try out this ambiguity for a while. i was told today that i'm "just a baby" at 21; maybe i should revel in the naivete that entitles me to. for a while. a while is all i really have, anyway.

"and all of these moments
just might find their way into my dreams tonight
but i know that they'll be gone,
when the morning light sings
and brings new things,
but tomorrow night you see
that they'll be gone too,
too many things i have to do,
but if all of these dreams might find their way
into my day-to-day scene
i'll be under the impression,
i was somewhere in-between
with only two,
just me and you
not so many things we got to do,
or places we got to be
we'll sit beneath the mango tree now."

- better together, jack johnson.

a you-shaped hole.

it's hard to be completely honest with yourself. which is strange, if you think about it, because trying to lie to yourself is really a lost cause. but still, we try.

it's a rude awakening when you take a long, hard look inside yourself and realise that you are afraid of not getting what you truly want, and that to deal with that fear you've been distracting yourself with lesser things. you've been trying to convince yourself that what is conveniently at hand is what you want when in actual fact, it is probably not. it's just the next best thing.

it's probably toughest to realise that despite being aware of that fear and your "making do", you are afraid of letting go of second-best because maybe second-best is that best you're going to get.

and that's a scary thought.

job 1:21.

2009 was a big year for me. i was rejected, and was accepted. i made tough decisions. i had to say goodbyes, but also said many hellos. i saw all of "the gang". i travelled across four continents. i flew over the grand canyon in a helicopter and watched cirque du soleil in las vegas. i saw the opera house and the twelve apostles. i watched my first west end musical. i attended midnight mass at westminster cathedral for christmas and watched fireworks at the london eye for new year's. i achieved a major life goal. i tried things i had never done before. and i did things i never thought i would do.

from all that i have experienced and learnt over the past year, the main thing that i take away with me is the realisation of how loved i am by my family, and how much i love them, though probably not nearly enough. i owe so much of who i am to them, and without their support the past year would have been a very different year. i have also come to see beyond my immediate family, and am beginning to better appreciate the connection i have with my extended family as well.

and so it was rather fitting that the first emotion i felt in 2010 was one of thankfulness. i have so much, and all i have was given. as i face 2010, full of promise and uncertainty, i pray for the serenity to accept that which i cannot change, the courage to change that which i can, and the wisdom to know the difference. amen.

"welcome to wherever you are
this is your life
you've made it this far
welcome, you've got to believe
that right here right now
you're exactly where you're supposed to be
welcome to wherever you are."

- welcome to wherever you are, bon jovi.