saudade.

i could complain. i could gripe, moan, rant... wallow.
but i've done enough of that. it doesn't really change things anyway.
for now (at least for the next couple of hours, before the effects of a certain phone call wear off. and the wine.), i shall focus on the positive.

i was reminded today of how lucky i am to have been given this opportunity to study here. here in my university, in my department, with my supervisor. i mean, how often do you get invited to a small dinner party with the heads of your department? more than that, how often do you get invited to a small dinner party with the heads of your department, and get treated as an equal? further, to a small dinner party with the head of department of another university in another country, so you can network and lay the foundations for your research and career?

and then comparing the way i was able to interact with them to someone who has not studied here, i saw, in a way i had not before, just how far i've come. how i was able to see things differently, to look one step ahead, to have my arguments laid out, to have the guts to stick to my opinion even under attack, and to have the courage to admit i don't know something. i mean this in the humblest of ways - it's not a set of skills i came here equipped with, and to be honest, i'm not sure how far outside of this bubble i can apply the same paradigm.

but the point is, i now have a better handle on this system. and this is an important system to have a handle on, because it is a system with many doors and many ladders. doors that i will have to walk up to and open on my own, and ladders that i will have to climb one rung at a time, but doors and ladders nevertheless.

"there's too many things that i haven't done yet
too many sunsets
i haven't seen
you can't waste the day wishing it'd slow down
you would've thought by now
i'd have learned something

i made up my mind when i was a young girl
i've been given this one world
i won't worry it away
but now and again i lose sight of the good life
i get stuck in a low light
but then love comes in

how far do i have to go to get to you
many the miles
many the miles
how far do i have to go to get to you
many the miles
but send me the miles and i'll be happy to
follow you, love."

- many the miles, sara bareilles.