Sunday 20 December 2009
Tuesday 15 December 2009
be careful what you wish for.
how is it possible that it is christmas is only 10 days away, 2010 is 17 days away, my trip to australia was four months ago, the end of july was five months ago, i left eugene 6 months ago, and i am less than 6 months from finishing my mphil?
the past week and a half has dragged on longer than the two months of term... with all my extra-curriculars put on hold, most of the grads away for the break, and the depressingly short days, i've taken too many naps, forced myself to sleep in too often, streamed too many tv shows online and eaten way too much.
oh winter, how i loathe thee.
at least there's christmas and new year's to look forward to. or is there?
come on canterbury, dover, bath, bristol and london. try to make christmas back home a little less appealing, will you?
"'cause you're the storm that i've been needing
and all this peace has been deceiving
i like the sweet life and the silence
but it's the storm that i believe in."
- you're the storm, the cardigans.
the past week and a half has dragged on longer than the two months of term... with all my extra-curriculars put on hold, most of the grads away for the break, and the depressingly short days, i've taken too many naps, forced myself to sleep in too often, streamed too many tv shows online and eaten way too much.
oh winter, how i loathe thee.
at least there's christmas and new year's to look forward to. or is there?
come on canterbury, dover, bath, bristol and london. try to make christmas back home a little less appealing, will you?
"'cause you're the storm that i've been needing
and all this peace has been deceiving
i like the sweet life and the silence
but it's the storm that i believe in."
- you're the storm, the cardigans.
Tuesday 24 November 2009
with or without you.
i wonder what exactly it is that makes us so afraid of being alone?
"if i lie here,
if i just lay here,
would you lie with me
and just forget the world?"
- chasing cars, snow patrol.
"if i lie here,
if i just lay here,
would you lie with me
and just forget the world?"
- chasing cars, snow patrol.
Friday 13 November 2009
>=|
i didn't get to row today because one of my crew overslept!
and i had to wake up at 6.15, cycle in the pouring rain, get out the oars and heavy boat, and cycle back in the pouring rain.
i was completely drenched! and cold. i need waterproofs.
gripegripegripegripe.
and i had to wake up at 6.15, cycle in the pouring rain, get out the oars and heavy boat, and cycle back in the pouring rain.
i was completely drenched! and cold. i need waterproofs.
gripegripegripegripe.
Thursday 12 November 2009
rise and shine.
i've discovered that since getting to cambridge, i've felt like i've made it. like i am now enjoying the fruits of my labour, the culmination of my 14 years of school - i'm here, and i have nothing left to prove. i also feel like i have been given a chance to fix all the mistakes i made during my undergrad, to do everything i didn't get a chance to do for the past three and a half years. i love the fact that almost everyone i've met here isn't defined just by what their studying and how well they're doing in class. needless to say, academics is a big part of their lives, but it's not all their lives are about. as it rightfully should not be. everyone knows at least two languages, plays (or used to play) at least one instrument, does a sport, dances...
and i have absolutely reveled in it. in case my past few posts haven't given you enough of an idea, i rowed this morning (all eight of us rowed at the same time for the first time ever!), watched my first silent movie (twice; it might be a big part of my dissertation), played fooseball, had two short naps, watched a couple of episodes of "the big bang theory" (introduced to me by val), played badminton in the evening, looked up possibilities for my end year break, cycled in the pouring rain for rock n roll, kicked someone in the head while trying to do a flip, got dropped once or twice,got kicked in the shins once or twice, and actually managed to complete the flip once or twice...
and i felt guilty.
guilty because i feel that in my determination to avoid a repeat of my nerdhood in help and oregon, i've perhaps tipped the balance a little too much in the opposite direction. i firmly believe that i am here at cambridge for a reason, and i am certain that friends, traveling, badminton, rock n roll, rowing, and church are as much parts of that reason as my classes, research and fancy piece of paper that i get at the end of these 9 months. but i think i need to start looking at it the other way too: my classes, research and fancy piece of paper that i get at the end of these 9 months are as much parts, if not more so, of why i'm here at cambridge as friends, traveling, badminton, rock n roll, rowing and church.
i must, and i will, do my best on my assignments, dissertation, and applications for my phd. that said, i will not drop everything else for it. if i'm going to do well enough, i'm going to do well enough while having the time of my life.
i know there is a master plan, and it's reassuring. but it is also dangerous.
i cannot and must not stop rowing for the shore.
or rowing along the cam. which i have to be up for in about 6 hours!
heh heh.
after that though, there's going to be a noticeable change. hold me to that.
and i have absolutely reveled in it. in case my past few posts haven't given you enough of an idea, i rowed this morning (all eight of us rowed at the same time for the first time ever!), watched my first silent movie (twice; it might be a big part of my dissertation), played fooseball, had two short naps, watched a couple of episodes of "the big bang theory" (introduced to me by val), played badminton in the evening, looked up possibilities for my end year break, cycled in the pouring rain for rock n roll, kicked someone in the head while trying to do a flip, got dropped once or twice,got kicked in the shins once or twice, and actually managed to complete the flip once or twice...
and i felt guilty.
guilty because i feel that in my determination to avoid a repeat of my nerdhood in help and oregon, i've perhaps tipped the balance a little too much in the opposite direction. i firmly believe that i am here at cambridge for a reason, and i am certain that friends, traveling, badminton, rock n roll, rowing, and church are as much parts of that reason as my classes, research and fancy piece of paper that i get at the end of these 9 months. but i think i need to start looking at it the other way too: my classes, research and fancy piece of paper that i get at the end of these 9 months are as much parts, if not more so, of why i'm here at cambridge as friends, traveling, badminton, rock n roll, rowing and church.
i must, and i will, do my best on my assignments, dissertation, and applications for my phd. that said, i will not drop everything else for it. if i'm going to do well enough, i'm going to do well enough while having the time of my life.
i know there is a master plan, and it's reassuring. but it is also dangerous.
i cannot and must not stop rowing for the shore.
or rowing along the cam. which i have to be up for in about 6 hours!
heh heh.
after that though, there's going to be a noticeable change. hold me to that.
Wednesday 28 October 2009
isn't it ironic, don't you think?
so.
on monday i went for a run and played wii for the first time in my life.
yesterday i rowed, played badminton, and tried out acrobatic rock 'n' roll.
today i met up with marta and ali for hot chocolate at an italian cafe and ended up chatting for about 3 hours, and also went for continental rock 'n' roll.
tomorrow i'm going to row, play badminton, and go for formal.
on friday i might try ballroom and latin.
this saturday i'm going to nottingham to play badminton at the malaysian nottingham games, probably followed be a halloween party.
on sunday i have rowing, badminton and rock 'n' roll lined up.
BUT, believe it or not, i actually attend classes and seminars somewhere in between.
i've read about 20 journal articles and 2 academic books.
i've made about 30 pages of notes (12 point font, single-spaced) based on what i've read.
and when i think about it, getting all that reading and notes done in 2 1/2 weeks isn't too bad.
is it?
i don't know if i'm doing too little work! or if i'm doing too much of the other stuff! and i don't get how i still have time to feel bored and unproductive! and watch multiple episodes of the simpsons every day!
i blame my 18-credit-hour-terms-plus-work-plus-research-plus-ucf-plus-an-attempt-at-a-social-life that was my undergraduate experience. now my internal gauge of what a healthy balance between academics and extra-curricular activities is is completely warped.
have i mentioned that i also went for mass three times last week and had lunch at church all three times too?
and that i'm on the college badminton team, and probably also on the college rowing team and the uni novice rock 'n' roll team? which means that these aren't just temporary pursuits?
and that i'm also doing a masters at cambridge?
one month down, eight to go.
"keep walking, though there is no place to get to.
don't try to see through the distances;
that's not for human beings.
move within, but don't move the way fear makes you move.
today, like every other day, wake up empty and frightened.
don't open the door to the study and begin reading.
take down a musical instrument.
let the beauty we love be what we do.
there are hundreds of ways to kneel and kiss the ground."
- rumi.
on monday i went for a run and played wii for the first time in my life.
yesterday i rowed, played badminton, and tried out acrobatic rock 'n' roll.
today i met up with marta and ali for hot chocolate at an italian cafe and ended up chatting for about 3 hours, and also went for continental rock 'n' roll.
tomorrow i'm going to row, play badminton, and go for formal.
on friday i might try ballroom and latin.
this saturday i'm going to nottingham to play badminton at the malaysian nottingham games, probably followed be a halloween party.
on sunday i have rowing, badminton and rock 'n' roll lined up.
BUT, believe it or not, i actually attend classes and seminars somewhere in between.
i've read about 20 journal articles and 2 academic books.
i've made about 30 pages of notes (12 point font, single-spaced) based on what i've read.
and when i think about it, getting all that reading and notes done in 2 1/2 weeks isn't too bad.
is it?
i don't know if i'm doing too little work! or if i'm doing too much of the other stuff! and i don't get how i still have time to feel bored and unproductive! and watch multiple episodes of the simpsons every day!
i blame my 18-credit-hour-terms-plus-work-plus-research-plus-ucf-plus-an-attempt-at-a-social-life that was my undergraduate experience. now my internal gauge of what a healthy balance between academics and extra-curricular activities is is completely warped.
have i mentioned that i also went for mass three times last week and had lunch at church all three times too?
and that i'm on the college badminton team, and probably also on the college rowing team and the uni novice rock 'n' roll team? which means that these aren't just temporary pursuits?
and that i'm also doing a masters at cambridge?
one month down, eight to go.
"keep walking, though there is no place to get to.
don't try to see through the distances;
that's not for human beings.
move within, but don't move the way fear makes you move.
today, like every other day, wake up empty and frightened.
don't open the door to the study and begin reading.
take down a musical instrument.
let the beauty we love be what we do.
there are hundreds of ways to kneel and kiss the ground."
- rumi.
Saturday 24 October 2009
why NOT?
i like trying new things. since i've come to cambridge, i've punted. i've attended rock n roll, salsa and breakdance classes. i've rowed. i might try canoeing next week. and ballroom and latin. i do it for the experience - i like being able to say "i've tried it", and to be able to talk about different things at least on a basic level. it's also the reason why i enjoy listening to people's conversations about topics i'm unfamiliar with, and going to places i've never been.
but see, i always just "try". i do something for a while, get mediocre at it, and then i'm done.
i play the piano, but just enough to crank out pachabel's canon in d (in c, because that way there aren't any black keys involved).
i play badminton, but just enough to get a couple of smashes in once in a while and to place the shuttle cleverly every so often.
i run, but just enough to do 3 miles consistently in under 30 minutes.
i do ballet, but just enough to do single pirouettes and get my legs at 90 degree angles.
i know mandarin, but understand just enough to get the gist of a conversation and speak only when i absolutely have to.
you get the idea.
and i always ask myself "why?": why go for the badminton uni trials when you're probably not gonna get on the team? why play for college when girton is in the lowest league? why go for the nottingham games when you're probably gonna lose anyway? why go for rock n roll when no one's gonna be able to lift you until you lose a pound or two (or ten)? why go for salsa when other girls are gonna look so much hotter and sexier than you on the dancefloor? why do breakdance when you don't have the upper body or core strength to get into and hold a freeze? why talk to a philosophy major about philosophy when you know you are going to flounder miserably?
trust me, i don't hold any delusions of grandeur about myself or my capabilities. i know how to be realistic. but i cannot allow myself to be caged in by my self-perceived limitations all the time. i've done that enough.
sure i may be laughed at and ridiculed for having tried and lost.
but i will be laughing too, and i will feel a sense of accomplishment from having played the game instead of watching from the sidelines.
realism is overrated sometimes. and so is winning, all the time.
"row, row, row your boat
gently down the stream
merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily
life is but a dream."
but see, i always just "try". i do something for a while, get mediocre at it, and then i'm done.
i play the piano, but just enough to crank out pachabel's canon in d (in c, because that way there aren't any black keys involved).
i play badminton, but just enough to get a couple of smashes in once in a while and to place the shuttle cleverly every so often.
i run, but just enough to do 3 miles consistently in under 30 minutes.
i do ballet, but just enough to do single pirouettes and get my legs at 90 degree angles.
i know mandarin, but understand just enough to get the gist of a conversation and speak only when i absolutely have to.
you get the idea.
and i always ask myself "why?": why go for the badminton uni trials when you're probably not gonna get on the team? why play for college when girton is in the lowest league? why go for the nottingham games when you're probably gonna lose anyway? why go for rock n roll when no one's gonna be able to lift you until you lose a pound or two (or ten)? why go for salsa when other girls are gonna look so much hotter and sexier than you on the dancefloor? why do breakdance when you don't have the upper body or core strength to get into and hold a freeze? why talk to a philosophy major about philosophy when you know you are going to flounder miserably?
trust me, i don't hold any delusions of grandeur about myself or my capabilities. i know how to be realistic. but i cannot allow myself to be caged in by my self-perceived limitations all the time. i've done that enough.
sure i may be laughed at and ridiculed for having tried and lost.
but i will be laughing too, and i will feel a sense of accomplishment from having played the game instead of watching from the sidelines.
realism is overrated sometimes. and so is winning, all the time.
"row, row, row your boat
gently down the stream
merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily
life is but a dream."
Monday 19 October 2009
oh well.
after two and a half weeks of ups, i guess it was about time for a downer.
i was at a club (yes, i know, on a sunday night) and when i got out my bike was gone. at least i used it well while i had it. and at least i got it second-hand, so it wasn't a brand new one. and at least i have the front bike light. and the lock. and at least i had fun dancing.
no use fretting about it. it's been jacked, nothing i can do about it. hopefully whoever stole it needs the money (or bike), uses it for something he/she really needs, and isn't on a full scholarship or something.
moving on.
i was at a club (yes, i know, on a sunday night) and when i got out my bike was gone. at least i used it well while i had it. and at least i got it second-hand, so it wasn't a brand new one. and at least i have the front bike light. and the lock. and at least i had fun dancing.
no use fretting about it. it's been jacked, nothing i can do about it. hopefully whoever stole it needs the money (or bike), uses it for something he/she really needs, and isn't on a full scholarship or something.
moving on.
Saturday 17 October 2009
"don't be afraid to fall on your head."
i did my first ever breakdance freeze today! and actually repeated it! and i didn't break my wrist! my arms are gonna kill me tomorrow! but i'm so excited!
*victory dance* (top rock, of course.)
*victory dance* (top rock, of course.)
Friday 16 October 2009
win some or learn some.
yesterday's victories:
1. i went to the library and got some reading done!
2. i went for mass, and had lunch with people from church after.
3. i didn't nap!
4. i ran at least 5 miles! it was one of those days when it felt like i could have just gone on running forever.
loss:
i had a cheeseburger at 4am. again.
but badminton today! and possibly a breakdancing class lol.
"wake up everyone
how can you sleep at a time like this
unless the dreamer is the real you
listen to your voice
the one that tells you
to taste past the tip of your tongue
leap in, the net will appear
i don't wanna wake, before
the dream is over
i'm gonna make it mine
yes i, i know it
i'm gonna make it mine
yes i'll make it all mine
i keep my life on a heavy rotation
requesting that it's lifting you up, up, up and away
and over to a table at the gratitude cafe
and i am finally there
and all the angels
they'll be singing ah la la la, ah la la la
ah la la la la love this
i don't wanna break before
the tour is over
i'm gonna make it mine
yes i, i'll own it
i'm gonna make it mine
yes i'll make it ll mine
and timing's everything
and this time there's plenty
i am balancing
careful and steady
and reveling in energy that everyone's emitting
well i don't wanna wait no more
oh i wanna celebrate the whole world
i'm gonna make it mine
oh yes, i'm following your joy
i'm gonna make it mine
because i, i am open
i'm gonna make it mine
that's why, i will show it
i'm gonna make it mine
gonna make it mine
oh, mine
yes i'll make it all mine."
- make it mine, jason mraz.
1. i went to the library and got some reading done!
2. i went for mass, and had lunch with people from church after.
3. i didn't nap!
4. i ran at least 5 miles! it was one of those days when it felt like i could have just gone on running forever.
loss:
i had a cheeseburger at 4am. again.
but badminton today! and possibly a breakdancing class lol.
"wake up everyone
how can you sleep at a time like this
unless the dreamer is the real you
listen to your voice
the one that tells you
to taste past the tip of your tongue
leap in, the net will appear
i don't wanna wake, before
the dream is over
i'm gonna make it mine
yes i, i know it
i'm gonna make it mine
yes i'll make it all mine
i keep my life on a heavy rotation
requesting that it's lifting you up, up, up and away
and over to a table at the gratitude cafe
and i am finally there
and all the angels
they'll be singing ah la la la, ah la la la
ah la la la la love this
i don't wanna break before
the tour is over
i'm gonna make it mine
yes i, i'll own it
i'm gonna make it mine
yes i'll make it ll mine
and timing's everything
and this time there's plenty
i am balancing
careful and steady
and reveling in energy that everyone's emitting
well i don't wanna wait no more
oh i wanna celebrate the whole world
i'm gonna make it mine
oh yes, i'm following your joy
i'm gonna make it mine
because i, i am open
i'm gonna make it mine
that's why, i will show it
i'm gonna make it mine
gonna make it mine
oh, mine
yes i'll make it all mine."
- make it mine, jason mraz.
call us when you wake up.
so, here i am. in cambridge. and i've been here for the past two weeks, which seems like so much longer and so much shorter at the same time. and the long and the short of it is that it has been pretty darn awesome, in the original, literal sense of the word. tiring, but exciting, stimulating, inspiring, and surreal all at the same time -
from the time i arrived in stansted, waited an hour for my luggage, wrangled my luggage through a line for train tickets, down two escalators (hemmed in by barriers too narrow for my biggest bag), on to the furthest possible platform in the station, and then on the train, arrived in wolfson court where i'm staying ("wolfie" from here on out), greeted by the porter who called me "love" and asked me if i was staying in "beefree", took a bath (as in a bathtub bath) because i couldn't find the shower and didn't want to explore my block because it was all dark and i was alone, used my couch seat as a pillow, and covered myself with my trench coat and shawls;
to the time i wandered around cambridge without a map, but still managed to get toiletries, open a bank account, buy a duvet (which i LOVE) and pillows, and get my university card (*bangga*), lugged it all back (i had to stop every 20 steps or so because everything was SO heavy. and the walk took close to an hour! but the duvet is worth it), and had chocolate bars from the vending machine because my card wasn't activated for the dining hall yet and i couldn't be bothered to wander around looking for food;
to the time i went for the international student orientation session and felt really bored because i'd heard it all before as an undergraduate, only(?) two years ago, went for lunch with the two people i am now closest to - marta who is italian but started learning french when she was 18, spent a few years in france, did two masters and is now starting a phd in french literature, and ali who grew up in india but did his secondary school in the uk, his undergrad in the states, and then wandered around syria for a bit before ending up here; bought my harry potter-esque gown, had dinner at the wolfie cafeteria for the first time, and then went to a couple of pubs with the girton grads where i got lost in a conversation with a philosophy phd student about pragmatism and realism (1. when i say "got lost" i don't mean engrossed; i actually mean i was confused and didn't know what i was saying or what to say. 2. the discussion started with him wondering why grads and undergrads didn't mix);
to the time i met up with elyse and her (and eric's) parents, went punting on the cam (and actually punted!), had tom yam for dinner (or what tried to pass off as tom yam), and then went to a couple more pubs;
to the time i walked half an hour to church and was welcomed by the familiar smell of incense, finally got to see girton college, picked and ate apples in the college orchard, and attended a quiz night in the graduate common room ("mcr" from here on out) at which i felt very ignorant (but i did know that bob dylan's real name is robert zimmerman and that stephen was the first christian martyr!);
to the time i went to the girton societies fair, had a pretty bad veggie burger because the line for the other stuff was way too long, got more apples, had my first long nap (most certainly not my last), and had drinks in the mcr followed by an awesome game of pictionary;
to the time i went for the uni societies fair, signed up for waaay more activities than i would be able to do (well, actually just signed up to get emails about the activities so i could decide what i wanted to do later on), wandered around looking for bikes, went for my department's welcome party, and met my supervisor for the first time with a glass of wine in my hand - most definitely not how i pictured it;
to the time i woke up at 6 something am and put my gown on for the first time to get my matriculation photo taken, and then spent the whole day at my department's induction at which i discovered i was enrolled as a phd student proper (not an mphil going on to my phd as i originally thought), and made the tough decision to change my status to mphil student which has implications for my workload this year, the possibility of me continuing next year, the activities i can get involved in, and ultimately my experience of being at cambridge... but i've thought it through, and i'm almost completely sure this is what i should do;
to the time i finally bought my bike and went for my first formal hall, which involved getting all dressed up and putting on my harry potter-esque robes again, pre-dinner drinks, a gong being sounded, the grads walking in with the mistress and fellows (while the undergrads stood, mind you), the mistress saying grace ("benedictus benedicat" before dinner and "benedicto benedicatur" after), a three course dinner, the gong being sounded again and everyone getting up for the mistress to leave, post-dinner drinks, and then the college bar;
to the time i cycled around for four hours with marta running errands and trying not to get into any accidents while figuring out the road system, and later went on a college bar crawl - three different college bars, followed by two clubs and a cheeseburger at a hole-in-the-wall (yes i know you've done more mr. yong);
to the time i got woken up by a false fire alarm after less than four hours of sleep and had to evacuate the building in my pjs, climbed back into bed to read and sleep some more, went for the university badminton trials which could have gone a lot worse, met a couple of malaysians there and followed them to their freshers' squash at which i met more malaysians, some of whom i already knew, and then went for another department party at which i met more faculty members and fellow grad students in my program (there was a welcome party by a christian society in the house next door and one of the people who was supposed to come to our party ended up there and had to be "saved" - but that's another story);
to the time i went to a church much closer to my place and really enjoyed mass, joined the girton grads for a walk to grantchester - a neighbouring village - through meadows and by the river, had scones with clotted cream and homemade raspberry jam at the orchard, which was just that - chairs and tables set out under apple trees (apparently famous people like virginia woolf used to go there for tea), went for the evening service at the girton chapel to listen to our choir, and then watched bee movie in the mcr (which, for the record, was NOT my idea! i am not imposing cartoons on people. yet.);
to the time i attended my first lecture at which my lecturer rattled on for two hours, very clearly and coherently, without consulting notes of any kind, spouting names of researchers and the research they've done and what their research has found no less, went for mass and had lunch at church, went for a research class at which i was falling asleep (already!), attended my first meeting with my supervisor with the other phd students she's supervising, went for a drink with her after, had alcoholic cider for the first time, and went for a poster presentation;
to the time i attended my second lecture about new family forms, matriculated, met the mistress for five minutes, went for a college badminton session which went really well and i had a lot of fun at, and then joined the girtonians post-mcr dinner for drinks;
to the time i had my first day of "nothing to do" but actually had a lot to do, did laundry, found that the dryer doesn't work, hung my clothes on the balcony to dry, napped longer than i intended to, went for a bible study, and went for rock n roll dance classes! (which isn't really what it sounds like - go google it to see youtube examples);
to today, my second day of "nothing to do", in which i managed to be somewhat productive in necessary but non-academic areas, napped longer than i intended to, played college badminton again, rushed home to get ready for formal, sat at the high table for dinner, had a good post-dinner chat, and played pool at the college bar after.
i've met people from all over the world.
i have a huge room with a couch and a sink.
the people in my faculty are impressive but not distant.
i've stepped out of my comfort zone.
i'm getting involved.
i'm staying social.
cambridge is known as "the desert of the uk", so we (we!) get rain but not too much.
it's beautiful here - green lawns, old buildings, cobblestone pavements...
i can see myself being happy here.
bring on the 5000 word essays, endless reading lists and intimidating assessment criteria!
from the time i arrived in stansted, waited an hour for my luggage, wrangled my luggage through a line for train tickets, down two escalators (hemmed in by barriers too narrow for my biggest bag), on to the furthest possible platform in the station, and then on the train, arrived in wolfson court where i'm staying ("wolfie" from here on out), greeted by the porter who called me "love" and asked me if i was staying in "beefree", took a bath (as in a bathtub bath) because i couldn't find the shower and didn't want to explore my block because it was all dark and i was alone, used my couch seat as a pillow, and covered myself with my trench coat and shawls;
to the time i wandered around cambridge without a map, but still managed to get toiletries, open a bank account, buy a duvet (which i LOVE) and pillows, and get my university card (*bangga*), lugged it all back (i had to stop every 20 steps or so because everything was SO heavy. and the walk took close to an hour! but the duvet is worth it), and had chocolate bars from the vending machine because my card wasn't activated for the dining hall yet and i couldn't be bothered to wander around looking for food;
to the time i went for the international student orientation session and felt really bored because i'd heard it all before as an undergraduate, only(?) two years ago, went for lunch with the two people i am now closest to - marta who is italian but started learning french when she was 18, spent a few years in france, did two masters and is now starting a phd in french literature, and ali who grew up in india but did his secondary school in the uk, his undergrad in the states, and then wandered around syria for a bit before ending up here; bought my harry potter-esque gown, had dinner at the wolfie cafeteria for the first time, and then went to a couple of pubs with the girton grads where i got lost in a conversation with a philosophy phd student about pragmatism and realism (1. when i say "got lost" i don't mean engrossed; i actually mean i was confused and didn't know what i was saying or what to say. 2. the discussion started with him wondering why grads and undergrads didn't mix);
to the time i met up with elyse and her (and eric's) parents, went punting on the cam (and actually punted!), had tom yam for dinner (or what tried to pass off as tom yam), and then went to a couple more pubs;
to the time i walked half an hour to church and was welcomed by the familiar smell of incense, finally got to see girton college, picked and ate apples in the college orchard, and attended a quiz night in the graduate common room ("mcr" from here on out) at which i felt very ignorant (but i did know that bob dylan's real name is robert zimmerman and that stephen was the first christian martyr!);
to the time i went to the girton societies fair, had a pretty bad veggie burger because the line for the other stuff was way too long, got more apples, had my first long nap (most certainly not my last), and had drinks in the mcr followed by an awesome game of pictionary;
to the time i went for the uni societies fair, signed up for waaay more activities than i would be able to do (well, actually just signed up to get emails about the activities so i could decide what i wanted to do later on), wandered around looking for bikes, went for my department's welcome party, and met my supervisor for the first time with a glass of wine in my hand - most definitely not how i pictured it;
to the time i woke up at 6 something am and put my gown on for the first time to get my matriculation photo taken, and then spent the whole day at my department's induction at which i discovered i was enrolled as a phd student proper (not an mphil going on to my phd as i originally thought), and made the tough decision to change my status to mphil student which has implications for my workload this year, the possibility of me continuing next year, the activities i can get involved in, and ultimately my experience of being at cambridge... but i've thought it through, and i'm almost completely sure this is what i should do;
to the time i finally bought my bike and went for my first formal hall, which involved getting all dressed up and putting on my harry potter-esque robes again, pre-dinner drinks, a gong being sounded, the grads walking in with the mistress and fellows (while the undergrads stood, mind you), the mistress saying grace ("benedictus benedicat" before dinner and "benedicto benedicatur" after), a three course dinner, the gong being sounded again and everyone getting up for the mistress to leave, post-dinner drinks, and then the college bar;
to the time i cycled around for four hours with marta running errands and trying not to get into any accidents while figuring out the road system, and later went on a college bar crawl - three different college bars, followed by two clubs and a cheeseburger at a hole-in-the-wall (yes i know you've done more mr. yong);
to the time i got woken up by a false fire alarm after less than four hours of sleep and had to evacuate the building in my pjs, climbed back into bed to read and sleep some more, went for the university badminton trials which could have gone a lot worse, met a couple of malaysians there and followed them to their freshers' squash at which i met more malaysians, some of whom i already knew, and then went for another department party at which i met more faculty members and fellow grad students in my program (there was a welcome party by a christian society in the house next door and one of the people who was supposed to come to our party ended up there and had to be "saved" - but that's another story);
to the time i went to a church much closer to my place and really enjoyed mass, joined the girton grads for a walk to grantchester - a neighbouring village - through meadows and by the river, had scones with clotted cream and homemade raspberry jam at the orchard, which was just that - chairs and tables set out under apple trees (apparently famous people like virginia woolf used to go there for tea), went for the evening service at the girton chapel to listen to our choir, and then watched bee movie in the mcr (which, for the record, was NOT my idea! i am not imposing cartoons on people. yet.);
to the time i attended my first lecture at which my lecturer rattled on for two hours, very clearly and coherently, without consulting notes of any kind, spouting names of researchers and the research they've done and what their research has found no less, went for mass and had lunch at church, went for a research class at which i was falling asleep (already!), attended my first meeting with my supervisor with the other phd students she's supervising, went for a drink with her after, had alcoholic cider for the first time, and went for a poster presentation;
to the time i attended my second lecture about new family forms, matriculated, met the mistress for five minutes, went for a college badminton session which went really well and i had a lot of fun at, and then joined the girtonians post-mcr dinner for drinks;
to the time i had my first day of "nothing to do" but actually had a lot to do, did laundry, found that the dryer doesn't work, hung my clothes on the balcony to dry, napped longer than i intended to, went for a bible study, and went for rock n roll dance classes! (which isn't really what it sounds like - go google it to see youtube examples);
to today, my second day of "nothing to do", in which i managed to be somewhat productive in necessary but non-academic areas, napped longer than i intended to, played college badminton again, rushed home to get ready for formal, sat at the high table for dinner, had a good post-dinner chat, and played pool at the college bar after.
i've met people from all over the world.
i have a huge room with a couch and a sink.
the people in my faculty are impressive but not distant.
i've stepped out of my comfort zone.
i'm getting involved.
i'm staying social.
cambridge is known as "the desert of the uk", so we (we!) get rain but not too much.
it's beautiful here - green lawns, old buildings, cobblestone pavements...
i can see myself being happy here.
bring on the 5000 word essays, endless reading lists and intimidating assessment criteria!
Tuesday 29 September 2009
and then we'll do it again.
"i count the steps, the distance to
the time when it was me and you is so far gone
another face another friend
another place another end, but i'll hang on
and it's a winding road
and it's a long way home
so don't wait
for someone to tell you it's too late
cos these are the best days
there's always
something tomorrow so i say
let's make the best of tonight
yeah, let's make the best of tonight
cos here comes the rest of our lives."
- best days, the graham colton band.
the time when it was me and you is so far gone
another face another friend
another place another end, but i'll hang on
and it's a winding road
and it's a long way home
so don't wait
for someone to tell you it's too late
cos these are the best days
there's always
something tomorrow so i say
let's make the best of tonight
yeah, let's make the best of tonight
cos here comes the rest of our lives."
- best days, the graham colton band.
Saturday 26 September 2009
everybody dance now!
while i'm on the subject of being/staying social while i'm at cambridge:
i just read through my freshers week program, and 11 of the 16 days from the 1st to the 15th of october have events scheduled that include one or more of the words "pub", "drink", "bar" or "party" in their titles or descriptions.
=)
i just read through my freshers week program, and 11 of the 16 days from the 1st to the 15th of october have events scheduled that include one or more of the words "pub", "drink", "bar" or "party" in their titles or descriptions.
=)
can't let the music stop.
i'm stuck in changi airport now, since my flight back to kl got delayed by two hours. i was gonna have to wait for the same amount of time in klia anyway, to see val off, so i guess it's not a big deal. at least there are computers with free internet access here!
on my way to singapore, i realiSed i was travelLing alone again for the first time since i was in the states. i knew i could handle it, no problem... but i couldn't help but feel apprehensive about going to another place where i'll have to start all over again. in the three and a half months i've been home, i've gotten used to organiSing my plans around what other people want to do, when they could do it, and whether or not someone could get me to wherever i needed to be. except for the times when i stayed in pyjamas all day and had multiple naps, of course. i realiSed i had become somewhat dependent again, and not necessarily in a negative way.
in the states i think i was too independent. i trained myself to survive with minimal social interaction, which in restrospect served me well given the circumstances. but i don't want a repeat of that in the uk. i still treasure my independence, but i want - need a measure of dependence too. maybe the fact that i already know some people (i.e. miss val khoo su chen and mr yong chun jiat!) within a couple of hours of where i'll be will help. maybe not. we'll see.
i haven't given myself the chance to properly digest all that has happened this summer yet. i don't want to. i don't want to see what i did right and the mistakes i've made just yet. i don't wanna think of the future and what still needs to be done and what i still need. with three days left, i want to just be. i think i "was" pretty well in singapore. i just need to hold out for three more days.
three more days.
on my way to singapore, i realiSed i was travelLing alone again for the first time since i was in the states. i knew i could handle it, no problem... but i couldn't help but feel apprehensive about going to another place where i'll have to start all over again. in the three and a half months i've been home, i've gotten used to organiSing my plans around what other people want to do, when they could do it, and whether or not someone could get me to wherever i needed to be. except for the times when i stayed in pyjamas all day and had multiple naps, of course. i realiSed i had become somewhat dependent again, and not necessarily in a negative way.
in the states i think i was too independent. i trained myself to survive with minimal social interaction, which in restrospect served me well given the circumstances. but i don't want a repeat of that in the uk. i still treasure my independence, but i want - need a measure of dependence too. maybe the fact that i already know some people (i.e. miss val khoo su chen and mr yong chun jiat!) within a couple of hours of where i'll be will help. maybe not. we'll see.
i haven't given myself the chance to properly digest all that has happened this summer yet. i don't want to. i don't want to see what i did right and the mistakes i've made just yet. i don't wanna think of the future and what still needs to be done and what i still need. with three days left, i want to just be. i think i "was" pretty well in singapore. i just need to hold out for three more days.
three more days.
Monday 21 September 2009
ogres, onions and parfait.
i like discovering things i didn't know about people - figuring out their family background, piecing together their childhood, mapping out their pet peeves and soft spots, marking their habits, picking up on their sense of humoUr, being amazed at how much (or how little) they know... observing. watching. learning.
it's not something i'm obsessed about, despite me having studied psychology (i do NOT analyze you every time you blink. NOR can i read your mind). it's just something i enjoy. i like being pleasantly surprised. and i like being able to understand the person better. to see where they're coming from. why they do what they do.
but you can never completely figure anyone out.
that just adds to the fun.
and frustration, sometimes.
then again, i wouldn't want anyone to have me all figured out. fair's fair.
"i hope life treats you kind
and i hope you have all you dreamed of
and i wish you joy
and happiness
but above all this
i wish you
love."
- i will always love you, whitney houston.
it's not something i'm obsessed about, despite me having studied psychology (i do NOT analyze you every time you blink. NOR can i read your mind). it's just something i enjoy. i like being pleasantly surprised. and i like being able to understand the person better. to see where they're coming from. why they do what they do.
but you can never completely figure anyone out.
that just adds to the fun.
and frustration, sometimes.
then again, i wouldn't want anyone to have me all figured out. fair's fair.
"i hope life treats you kind
and i hope you have all you dreamed of
and i wish you joy
and happiness
but above all this
i wish you
love."
- i will always love you, whitney houston.
Thursday 17 September 2009
sounds of silence.
today i've been listening to mellow, meaningful, sometimes emo songs, which i haven't done in a while. almost as a subconscious self-defense mechanism.
my playlist has been dominated by the likes of pitbull, the black-eyed peas (i'm surprised "i've gotta feeling" hasn't made a cameo in my dreams yet), and bob sinclair. hehe.
12 days to go. sometimes i can't help but wonder if i'm in over my head. other times i think i have things under control.
we'll see... i'm hoping for the latter, but there's something to be said for the former every once in a while, no?
"a lovestruck romeo, sings the streets a serenade
laying everybody low with a love song that he made
finds a streetlight, steps out of the shade
says something like, "you and me, babe, how about it?"
juliet says, "hey, it's romeo, you nearly gave me a heart attack"
he's underneath the window, she's singing
"hey, la, my boyfriend's back
you shouldn't come around here, singing up people like that
anyway, what you gonna do about it?"
juliet, the dice was loaded from the start
and i bet, that you exploded in my heart
and i forget, i forget.. the movie song
when you gonna realize, it was just that the time was wrong, juliet?"
- romeo and juliet, dire straits. i like the version by the killers.
my playlist has been dominated by the likes of pitbull, the black-eyed peas (i'm surprised "i've gotta feeling" hasn't made a cameo in my dreams yet), and bob sinclair. hehe.
12 days to go. sometimes i can't help but wonder if i'm in over my head. other times i think i have things under control.
we'll see... i'm hoping for the latter, but there's something to be said for the former every once in a while, no?
"a lovestruck romeo, sings the streets a serenade
laying everybody low with a love song that he made
finds a streetlight, steps out of the shade
says something like, "you and me, babe, how about it?"
juliet says, "hey, it's romeo, you nearly gave me a heart attack"
he's underneath the window, she's singing
"hey, la, my boyfriend's back
you shouldn't come around here, singing up people like that
anyway, what you gonna do about it?"
juliet, the dice was loaded from the start
and i bet, that you exploded in my heart
and i forget, i forget.. the movie song
when you gonna realize, it was just that the time was wrong, juliet?"
- romeo and juliet, dire straits. i like the version by the killers.
Tuesday 15 September 2009
retaliation.
three and a half hours of gym, 15 minutes of sleep, 6 hours of tennis.
AND i got my uk visa.
take that, malaysian government!
"i don't care if it hurts,
i wanna have control
i want a perfect body
i want a perfect soul
i want you to notice
when i'm not around
you're so very special
i wish i was special."
- damien rice's cover of radiohead's "creep".
AND i got my uk visa.
take that, malaysian government!
"i don't care if it hurts,
i wanna have control
i want a perfect body
i want a perfect soul
i want you to notice
when i'm not around
you're so very special
i wish i was special."
- damien rice's cover of radiohead's "creep".
Monday 14 September 2009
*insert obscenity here*.
PROGRAM BIASISWA YANG DI-PERTUAN AGONG TAHUN 2009
JABATAN PERKHIDMATAN AWAM MALAYSIA
Nama Penuh : ADELLE PUSHPARATNAM
Status : TIDAK BERJAYA TEMUDUGA
Terima kasih diucapkan di atas minat saudara/saudari untuk mendapatkan penawaran Biasiswa Yang Di-Pertuan Agong tahun 2009.
Setelah permohonan saudara/saudari diteliti dengan saksama, dimaklumkan bahawa permohonan saudara/saudari tidak dapat dipertimbangkan kerana tidak memenuhi syarat yang ditetapkan untuk permohonan Biasiswa Yang Di-Pertuan Agong 2009.
Sekian, terima kasih.
Bahagian Pembangunan Modal Insan
Jabatan Perkhidmatan Awam Malaysia
WHAT SYARAT DID I NOT PENUHI?
what. the. hell.
fine. if you don't want me i don't want you either.
still. everything happens for a reason.
edit: my mom's reply to the news: "good luck, bad luck, who knows?" yay, mommy! how true.
JABATAN PERKHIDMATAN AWAM MALAYSIA
Nama Penuh : ADELLE PUSHPARATNAM
Status : TIDAK BERJAYA TEMUDUGA
Terima kasih diucapkan di atas minat saudara/saudari untuk mendapatkan penawaran Biasiswa Yang Di-Pertuan Agong tahun 2009.
Setelah permohonan saudara/saudari diteliti dengan saksama, dimaklumkan bahawa permohonan saudara/saudari tidak dapat dipertimbangkan kerana tidak memenuhi syarat yang ditetapkan untuk permohonan Biasiswa Yang Di-Pertuan Agong 2009.
Sekian, terima kasih.
Bahagian Pembangunan Modal Insan
Jabatan Perkhidmatan Awam Malaysia
WHAT SYARAT DID I NOT PENUHI?
what. the. hell.
fine. if you don't want me i don't want you either.
still. everything happens for a reason.
edit: my mom's reply to the news: "good luck, bad luck, who knows?" yay, mommy! how true.
Sunday 13 September 2009
poker face.
"you seem fine."
maybe it's time i started wearing my heart on my sleeve a little more often, especially when it comes to negative emotions.
glare when i'm angry.
mope when i'm upset.
cry when i'm sad.
distance myself when i've been hurt.
and do it unapologetically.
because when i don't, it's either i appear cold, or people just don't get that they're rubbing me the wrong way until one day a fuse blows.
oh, and i ran over a monitor lizard today. it crossed the highway without looking left, right, and then left again! and it was either it's life or the lives of my mommy, daddy and san ee. so yeah. at least it wasn't cute and furry.
maybe it's time i started wearing my heart on my sleeve a little more often, especially when it comes to negative emotions.
glare when i'm angry.
mope when i'm upset.
cry when i'm sad.
distance myself when i've been hurt.
and do it unapologetically.
because when i don't, it's either i appear cold, or people just don't get that they're rubbing me the wrong way until one day a fuse blows.
oh, and i ran over a monitor lizard today. it crossed the highway without looking left, right, and then left again! and it was either it's life or the lives of my mommy, daddy and san ee. so yeah. at least it wasn't cute and furry.
Saturday 12 September 2009
in other news.
interesting articles on polygamy in the papers today:
sharing the love
a first wife speaks up
clearing the air
i've started packing! kind of. my uncle's going to london for a business trip tonight, so he offered to take some of my stuff with him and leave it at a relative's house there. i had an hour to throw together about 10kg of stuff that i wanted to bring over but wouldn't need immediately... and ended up packing about 17.5kg. haha. together with his own luggage it exceeds the baggage allowance, but we're gonna try anyway. if they don't allow him to take all of it my aunty will bring the excess back and i'll have to lug it over on my own.
anyone else going on business trips to london anytime soon? =)
sharing the love
a first wife speaks up
clearing the air
i've started packing! kind of. my uncle's going to london for a business trip tonight, so he offered to take some of my stuff with him and leave it at a relative's house there. i had an hour to throw together about 10kg of stuff that i wanted to bring over but wouldn't need immediately... and ended up packing about 17.5kg. haha. together with his own luggage it exceeds the baggage allowance, but we're gonna try anyway. if they don't allow him to take all of it my aunty will bring the excess back and i'll have to lug it over on my own.
anyone else going on business trips to london anytime soon? =)
Friday 11 September 2009
Thursday 10 September 2009
o my prophetic soul!
i heard "when two become one" by the spice girls on the radio today, and was singing along to it with whatever lyrics i remembered from when i was 11 or 12... and when it got to this part
"get a little bit wiser baby,
put it on, put it on."
joe went "OH MY GOD THEY'RE SINGING ABOUT A CONDOM!"
i wonder how many other sexual connotations i've been singing along to unknowingly.
"he took me by the wrist and held me hard;
then goes he to the length of all his arm;
and, with his other hand thus o'er his brow,
he falls to such perusal of my face
as he would draw it. long stay'd he so;
at last, a little shaking of mine arm
and thrice his head thus waving up and down,
he raised a sigh so piteous and profound
as it did seem to shatter all his bulk
and end his being: that done, he lets me go:
and, with his head over his shoulder turn'd,
he seem'd to find his way without his eyes;
for out o' doors he went without their helps,
and, to the last, bended their light on me."
- ophelia, act ii, scene i, hamlet.
"get a little bit wiser baby,
put it on, put it on."
joe went "OH MY GOD THEY'RE SINGING ABOUT A CONDOM!"
i wonder how many other sexual connotations i've been singing along to unknowingly.
"he took me by the wrist and held me hard;
then goes he to the length of all his arm;
and, with his other hand thus o'er his brow,
he falls to such perusal of my face
as he would draw it. long stay'd he so;
at last, a little shaking of mine arm
and thrice his head thus waving up and down,
he raised a sigh so piteous and profound
as it did seem to shatter all his bulk
and end his being: that done, he lets me go:
and, with his head over his shoulder turn'd,
he seem'd to find his way without his eyes;
for out o' doors he went without their helps,
and, to the last, bended their light on me."
- ophelia, act ii, scene i, hamlet.
Wednesday 9 September 2009
a whole new world.
"i can show you the world
shining, shimmering splendour (note the "u"!)
tell me princess, now when did you last
let your heart decide
i can open your eyes
take you wonder by wonder
over, sideways and under
on a magic carpet ride."
- a whole new world, aladdin.
the more i hear about the uk the more i can't wait to go there and TRAVEL. after all the bumming i've been doing it's hard to get excited about hitting the books and going back to the grind, but i'm looking forward to that too, in a way.
travelling (note the double L!) in europe has just always been a big dream of mine. now if only i had the funds for it... i've applied for about five scholarships, and will apply for another one, so hopefully i get at least one! pray/keep your fingers crossed for me!
this time three weeks from now i'll be finding my way to girton college from stanstead with my 30kg (note that it's not in pounds!) of luggage.
and starting completely fresh.
but then again, we never do start completely fresh, do we?
anyway. three weeks.
i'm going to wear shorts and eat chicken rice and mamak as much as i can.
shining, shimmering splendour (note the "u"!)
tell me princess, now when did you last
let your heart decide
i can open your eyes
take you wonder by wonder
over, sideways and under
on a magic carpet ride."
- a whole new world, aladdin.
the more i hear about the uk the more i can't wait to go there and TRAVEL. after all the bumming i've been doing it's hard to get excited about hitting the books and going back to the grind, but i'm looking forward to that too, in a way.
travelling (note the double L!) in europe has just always been a big dream of mine. now if only i had the funds for it... i've applied for about five scholarships, and will apply for another one, so hopefully i get at least one! pray/keep your fingers crossed for me!
this time three weeks from now i'll be finding my way to girton college from stanstead with my 30kg (note that it's not in pounds!) of luggage.
and starting completely fresh.
but then again, we never do start completely fresh, do we?
anyway. three weeks.
i'm going to wear shorts and eat chicken rice and mamak as much as i can.
Monday 7 September 2009
you are stoopit.
"i can't whistle!"
"seriously? weak shit!"
"i can snap my fingers..."
"but you have to whistle in the shower!"
"what? why?"
"cos sometimes you happy ma."
"hahaha... sometimes you say the stupidest things."
"what? where got stupid? when you're happy you have to whistle la, bitch."
temple relocation article(video) - just watch from about the first to the fourth minute.
candlelight vigil article(video)
so. you sever the head of a sacred animal and stamp on it and there is no retribution.
but you walk with candles and you get arrested because that's "illegal".
what?
"it's complicated and stupid
got my ass squeezed by sexy cupid
now he wants to play, wants to play
a love game, a love game."
- lovegame, lady gaga.
really? "love"?
"seriously? weak shit!"
"i can snap my fingers..."
"but you have to whistle in the shower!"
"what? why?"
"cos sometimes you happy ma."
"hahaha... sometimes you say the stupidest things."
"what? where got stupid? when you're happy you have to whistle la, bitch."
temple relocation article(video) - just watch from about the first to the fourth minute.
candlelight vigil article(video)
so. you sever the head of a sacred animal and stamp on it and there is no retribution.
but you walk with candles and you get arrested because that's "illegal".
what?
"it's complicated and stupid
got my ass squeezed by sexy cupid
now he wants to play, wants to play
a love game, a love game."
- lovegame, lady gaga.
really? "love"?
Sunday 30 August 2009
change the battery pack.
whew. after 11 awesome days in australia followed by ying's 21st birthday festivities... i need sleep! no clubbing and alcohol for two to three weeks please thanks. it was a blast though. i got to partay with people i grew up with but never saw intoxicated before, dance with friends i hadn't seen in years, and just let my guard down a little more than usual.
thank you to all the people in australia who made my visit there amazing, especially miss tham waiping, miss lim su yin and mr matt ding "sw".
happy 21st to miss val khoo, who's coming back real soon!
happy 21st to miss ong li teng, whom i still have yet to play badminton with!
and happy, happy 21st to miss lim shwe ying! love you loads babe, and i'm glad you had a good one. =)
"i know that we'll have a ball
if we get down and go out
and just lose it all
i feel
stressed out i wanna let it go
let's go way out, spaced out
and losing all control."
- i've gotta feeling, the black eyed peas.
thank you to all the people in australia who made my visit there amazing, especially miss tham waiping, miss lim su yin and mr matt ding "sw".
happy 21st to miss val khoo, who's coming back real soon!
happy 21st to miss ong li teng, whom i still have yet to play badminton with!
and happy, happy 21st to miss lim shwe ying! love you loads babe, and i'm glad you had a good one. =)
"i know that we'll have a ball
if we get down and go out
and just lose it all
i feel
stressed out i wanna let it go
let's go way out, spaced out
and losing all control."
- i've gotta feeling, the black eyed peas.
Saturday 22 August 2009
Thursday 20 August 2009
cry me a river.
"waiting is painful. forgetting is painful. but not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering."
- by the river piedra, paulo coelho.
some decisions you feel worse about as time goes on.
some decisions you feel more at peace with.
and there are always still more decisions to be made.
- by the river piedra, paulo coelho.
some decisions you feel worse about as time goes on.
some decisions you feel more at peace with.
and there are always still more decisions to be made.
Tuesday 18 August 2009
whirlwind.
in the past four days i've spent in australia, i've been to melbourne, newcastle, the blue mountains and sydney.
in the past four nights i've spent in australia, i've slept in a different room and bed and showered in a different bathroom every night.
i've eaten more than i should.
i've slept less than i should.
i've gotten angrier than i've been in a long time.
i've met up with people i haven't seen in years.
i haven't gotten sick of jiat yet, despite spending more time with him than i ever have in my life lol.
i haven't talked to anthea since she got to nebraska!
i've been to so many gorgeous places.
and i'm with yin(!), ning jia(!), sammy(!) and jiat (*yawn*) right now!
one week to go! =D
in the past four nights i've spent in australia, i've slept in a different room and bed and showered in a different bathroom every night.
i've eaten more than i should.
i've slept less than i should.
i've gotten angrier than i've been in a long time.
i've met up with people i haven't seen in years.
i haven't gotten sick of jiat yet, despite spending more time with him than i ever have in my life lol.
i haven't talked to anthea since she got to nebraska!
i've been to so many gorgeous places.
and i'm with yin(!), ning jia(!), sammy(!) and jiat (*yawn*) right now!
one week to go! =D
Wednesday 12 August 2009
zomg lollersk8s roflcopter.
anthea's leaving for the land of cornfields TODAY!
i had to get out all my warm stuff so i could pack for australia, cos i'm leaving TOMORROW!
i finally finished putting together three scholarship applications i've been working on FOREVER!
so hopefully someone will bequeath me some moolah SOON!
because i'll be leaving for cambridge in A MONTH AND A HALF!
pitbull is EVERYWHERE!
but his music is pretty catchy so it's OKAY!
i just wish his lyrics weren't so... QUESTIONABLE!
"forget about your boyfriend, and meet me at the hotel room
you can bring your girlfriends, and meet me at the hotel room [x2]
we at the hotel, motel, holiday inn [x4]."
- hotel room service, pitbull.
and that's not the worst of it, BY FAR!
i had to get out all my warm stuff so i could pack for australia, cos i'm leaving TOMORROW!
i finally finished putting together three scholarship applications i've been working on FOREVER!
so hopefully someone will bequeath me some moolah SOON!
because i'll be leaving for cambridge in A MONTH AND A HALF!
pitbull is EVERYWHERE!
but his music is pretty catchy so it's OKAY!
i just wish his lyrics weren't so... QUESTIONABLE!
"forget about your boyfriend, and meet me at the hotel room
you can bring your girlfriends, and meet me at the hotel room [x2]
we at the hotel, motel, holiday inn [x4]."
- hotel room service, pitbull.
and that's not the worst of it, BY FAR!
Sunday 9 August 2009
cable car.
so in hindsight, i probably shouldn't have reacted the way i did. well, i guess that wasn't really within my control - what i mean to say is i shouldn't have acted on my reaction the way i did. i shouldn't have allowed myself to get sucked into it.
was it really that big a deal? not at all. what have i accomplished? not much. just that i can now do unto you what you did unto me without worrying about the repercussions as much as i would have had you not "done unto me" in the first place. did i inadvertently fan flames i cannot guarantee fuel for? maybe. did i then quench the spark necessarily, unceremoniously and abruptly? probably.
should i care? of course i should. how can i not?
how much should i care? now that's the question, isn't it?
you didn't think.
okay.
"take time to realize
that your warmth is crashing down on in
take time to realize
that i am on your side
didn't i, didn't i tell you?"
- realize, colbie caillat.
was it really that big a deal? not at all. what have i accomplished? not much. just that i can now do unto you what you did unto me without worrying about the repercussions as much as i would have had you not "done unto me" in the first place. did i inadvertently fan flames i cannot guarantee fuel for? maybe. did i then quench the spark necessarily, unceremoniously and abruptly? probably.
should i care? of course i should. how can i not?
how much should i care? now that's the question, isn't it?
you didn't think.
okay.
"take time to realize
that your warmth is crashing down on in
take time to realize
that i am on your side
didn't i, didn't i tell you?"
- realize, colbie caillat.
Friday 7 August 2009
Thursday 6 August 2009
grief counseling.
"there are five stages to grief which are... denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. and right now, out there, they are all denying the fact that they're sad. and that's hard and it's making them all angry. and it is my job to get them all the way through to acceptance. and if not acceptance, then just depression. if i can get them depressed then i will have done my job."
- michael scott, the office (season three)
- michael scott, the office (season three)
Wednesday 5 August 2009
we'll take a cup o' kindness yet.
it's always a pleasant surprise when i meet up with someone i haven't seen in years, and we can talk about things important to us knowing that the other will understand and respect what we're sharing. it's also amazing to see how and how much the other has grown, as well as discover and rediscover things you like and admire in the person.
and of course, it's always, always refreshing and rewarding to sit down with a close friend to talk and laugh about anything and everything. =)
"should auld acquaintance be forgot,
and never brought to mind?
should auld acquaintance be forgot
and auld lang syne?"
- auld lang syne, robert burns.
i like the version by mairi campbell and dave francis, pronounced the scots' way.
and of course, it's always, always refreshing and rewarding to sit down with a close friend to talk and laugh about anything and everything. =)
"should auld acquaintance be forgot,
and never brought to mind?
should auld acquaintance be forgot
and auld lang syne?"
- auld lang syne, robert burns.
i like the version by mairi campbell and dave francis, pronounced the scots' way.
Tuesday 4 August 2009
The Look.
'since you sat down, you've convinced me that i don't believe enough, that i'm a chain smoker, that i drink too much, and that i should chop off my tail.'
i laughed.
'have you ever burnt an insect to death?'
no.
what? what else have i convinced you of now?
'that i'm sadistic.'
"but i would walk five hundred miles
and i would walk five hundred more
just to be the man who walked a thousand miles
to fall down at your door."
- five hundred miles, the proclaimers.
i laughed.
'have you ever burnt an insect to death?'
no.
what? what else have i convinced you of now?
'that i'm sadistic.'
"but i would walk five hundred miles
and i would walk five hundred more
just to be the man who walked a thousand miles
to fall down at your door."
- five hundred miles, the proclaimers.
Monday 3 August 2009
today:
1. i started cleaning out my room.
2. i watched center stage. yay ballet!
3. i had lunch with my sister who's leaving to nebraska in 9 days!
4. i played badminton.
5. i played table tennis.
6. i played squash.
7. i swam.
8. i heard some sad news about someone i didn't really know that affects someone close to me.
9. i met up with jiat to discuss our upcoming trip to melbourne and sydney. 10 days and counting!
10. i skyped with mel.
11. i realized that i am in malaysia, but my weather widget was set to cambridge and my date and time on my computer and blog were still set to PST, so i changed them all. more living in the present, less living in the past and future.
12. I DIDN'T NAP!
13.ialsodidn'tworkonmyscholarshipapplicationsbutiwillhaveitdonesoonipromise.
more days like today please and thank you.
"sing to me the song of the stars
of your galaxy dancing and laughing and laughing again
when it feels like my dreams are so far
sing to me of the plans that you have for me over again."
- only hope, switchfoot.
2. i watched center stage. yay ballet!
3. i had lunch with my sister who's leaving to nebraska in 9 days!
4. i played badminton.
5. i played table tennis.
6. i played squash.
7. i swam.
8. i heard some sad news about someone i didn't really know that affects someone close to me.
9. i met up with jiat to discuss our upcoming trip to melbourne and sydney. 10 days and counting!
10. i skyped with mel.
11. i realized that i am in malaysia, but my weather widget was set to cambridge and my date and time on my computer and blog were still set to PST, so i changed them all. more living in the present, less living in the past and future.
12. I DIDN'T NAP!
13.ialsodidn'tworkonmyscholarshipapplicationsbutiwillhaveitdonesoonipromise.
more days like today please and thank you.
"sing to me the song of the stars
of your galaxy dancing and laughing and laughing again
when it feels like my dreams are so far
sing to me of the plans that you have for me over again."
- only hope, switchfoot.
Friday 31 July 2009
i know you want me.
i needed tonight.
dinner with ying, jo and wei, driving aimlessly around kl (unintentionally, for the most part), meeting up with jiat, kah leong and kah leong's friends in wong kok, walking out without ordering anything, and then ending the night with a bang at bulldog.
breakfast with the family in four hours!
"see the stone set in your eyes
see the thorn twist in your side
i wait for you."
- with or without you, u2.
dinner with ying, jo and wei, driving aimlessly around kl (unintentionally, for the most part), meeting up with jiat, kah leong and kah leong's friends in wong kok, walking out without ordering anything, and then ending the night with a bang at bulldog.
breakfast with the family in four hours!
"see the stone set in your eyes
see the thorn twist in your side
i wait for you."
- with or without you, u2.
Tuesday 28 July 2009
i hate this part right here.
i made a choice, and now i have to deal with the consequences.
you will have to deal with the consequences of your choices too.
for better or worse.
"it is said an eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent him a sentence, to be ever in view, and which should be true and appropriate in all times and situations. they presented him the words: "and this, too, shall pass away." how much it expresses! how chastening in the hour of pride! how consoling in the depths of affliction!"
- abraham lincoln
you will have to deal with the consequences of your choices too.
for better or worse.
"it is said an eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent him a sentence, to be ever in view, and which should be true and appropriate in all times and situations. they presented him the words: "and this, too, shall pass away." how much it expresses! how chastening in the hour of pride! how consoling in the depths of affliction!"
- abraham lincoln
Monday 27 July 2009
Sunday 26 July 2009
weep not for the memories.
you always made me feel beautiful,
always accepted me for who i was,
always tried to understand,
always put me first,
and always fought for us.
i cannot match up to that...
you deserve better.
"i don't know what i've done
or if i like what i've begun
but something told me to run
and honey you know me it's all or none
there were sounds in my head
little voices whispering
that i should go and this should end
oh and i found myself listening
'cos i dont know who i am, who i am without you
all i know is that i should
and i don't know if i could stand another hand upon you
all i know is that i should
'cos she will love you more than i could
she who dares to stand where i stood
see i thought love was black and white
that it was wrong or it was right
but you ain't leaving without a fight
and i think i am just as torn inside
'cos i dont know who i am, who i am without you
all i know is that i should
and i don't know if i could stand another hand upon you
all i know is that i should
'cos she will love you more than i could
she who dares to stand where i stood
and i won't be far from where you are if ever you should call
you meant more to me than anyone i ever loved at all
but you taught me how to trust myself and so i say to you
this is what i have to do
'cos i don't know who i am, who i am without you
all i know is that i should
and i don't know if i could stand another hand upon you
all i know is that i should
'cos she will love you more than i could
she who dares to stand where i stood
oh, she who dares to stand where i stood."
- where i stood, missy higgins.
always accepted me for who i was,
always tried to understand,
always put me first,
and always fought for us.
i cannot match up to that...
you deserve better.
"i don't know what i've done
or if i like what i've begun
but something told me to run
and honey you know me it's all or none
there were sounds in my head
little voices whispering
that i should go and this should end
oh and i found myself listening
'cos i dont know who i am, who i am without you
all i know is that i should
and i don't know if i could stand another hand upon you
all i know is that i should
'cos she will love you more than i could
she who dares to stand where i stood
see i thought love was black and white
that it was wrong or it was right
but you ain't leaving without a fight
and i think i am just as torn inside
'cos i dont know who i am, who i am without you
all i know is that i should
and i don't know if i could stand another hand upon you
all i know is that i should
'cos she will love you more than i could
she who dares to stand where i stood
and i won't be far from where you are if ever you should call
you meant more to me than anyone i ever loved at all
but you taught me how to trust myself and so i say to you
this is what i have to do
'cos i don't know who i am, who i am without you
all i know is that i should
and i don't know if i could stand another hand upon you
all i know is that i should
'cos she will love you more than i could
she who dares to stand where i stood
oh, she who dares to stand where i stood."
- where i stood, missy higgins.
Wednesday 22 July 2009
was it?
"now, i could never change you
and i don't wanna blame you
baby, you don't have to take the fall
yes, i may have hurt you
but i did not desert you
maybe i just wanna have it all.
there's a danger in loving somebody too much
and it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust
there's a reason why people don't stay where they are
baby, sometimes love just ain't enough."
- sometimes love just ain't enough, patty smyth and don henley.
and i don't wanna blame you
baby, you don't have to take the fall
yes, i may have hurt you
but i did not desert you
maybe i just wanna have it all.
there's a danger in loving somebody too much
and it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust
there's a reason why people don't stay where they are
baby, sometimes love just ain't enough."
- sometimes love just ain't enough, patty smyth and don henley.
Thursday 9 July 2009
raindrop ripples.
today was the first time since getting back that i missed having a core group of friends.
things were so much simpler with a "gang"... if any of us wanted to go out, he/she knew exactly who to ask along. when we did go out, we formed the nucleus, and everyone else was on the circumference. there were inside jokes, nuances, memories that only we had access to. i knew what to expect from each, and i knew what was expected of myself.
tonight there was no core. there weren't any outsiders that needed to be included, because each of us was, in one way or another, an outsider.
i've grown to accept that the core group i had in malaysia is no more - we're all still friends, but it will never be the same. i've also come to accept that i cannot and should not remain attached to my core group in the states. i also know that having a core sometimes limits you, and that not having a core is an opportunity to broaden networks and step outside one's comfort zone. the fact that i had/have two cores reminds me that things are only going to get more complicated and more peripheral from here on out. or rather from two years ago on out, in my case.
but yeah, tonight i missed being part of a core.
"namun, takkan mudah bagiku
meninggalkan jejak hidupmu
yang t'lah terukir abadi
sebagai kenangan yang terindah."
- kenangan terindah, samsons.
things were so much simpler with a "gang"... if any of us wanted to go out, he/she knew exactly who to ask along. when we did go out, we formed the nucleus, and everyone else was on the circumference. there were inside jokes, nuances, memories that only we had access to. i knew what to expect from each, and i knew what was expected of myself.
tonight there was no core. there weren't any outsiders that needed to be included, because each of us was, in one way or another, an outsider.
i've grown to accept that the core group i had in malaysia is no more - we're all still friends, but it will never be the same. i've also come to accept that i cannot and should not remain attached to my core group in the states. i also know that having a core sometimes limits you, and that not having a core is an opportunity to broaden networks and step outside one's comfort zone. the fact that i had/have two cores reminds me that things are only going to get more complicated and more peripheral from here on out. or rather from two years ago on out, in my case.
but yeah, tonight i missed being part of a core.
"namun, takkan mudah bagiku
meninggalkan jejak hidupmu
yang t'lah terukir abadi
sebagai kenangan yang terindah."
- kenangan terindah, samsons.
Tuesday 7 July 2009
the blitzkrieg bop.
it's been a great holiday so far. a "real" one, you know, one that doesn't involve long to-do lists and constant productivity, but does involve an enjoyable level of activity, friends and family, books, naps and movies. but it was never going to last forever, and although i have about two weeks left of this "real" holiday (before most people leave!) i already feel the pressure of figuring out what to do with myself for the next two months or so. every time i'm bored at home i freak out because there's this phobia of being "trapped". it's funny, i thought i would've gotten better at the whole stay-at-home alone thing after all that practice being an antisocial nerd in eugene... but maybe that's where the fear stems from, no?
and then there's sorting out cambridge - i found out i got accepted into girton college (yay! =D), but i still haven't heard from the cambridge trusts about scholarships. most of what i've read online has only confused me and/or made me even more nervous - some people say that scholarships continue to be awarded through september, some say all the full scholarships have been awarded, some say we will find out by the end of july, some say that if we are successful we will hear through email and that if we aren't we will be notified through snail mail - which could take ages to get here! it's a lot of money, and i really want(ed) to do this post-grad thing on my own... in fact, i remember saying that if i didn't get a scholarship i wouldn't go. but... gah! of course, there are other sources of funding that i should and will look into, but it's a tedious process that i've started but have been skirting.
i'm also supposed to take the toefl again, which i find pretty ridiculous because i graduated from an english-speaking institution, i've taken it before (but the score has since expired), i have valid sat and gre scores, and i'm technically a native english speaker! i emailed them about it a while ago but haven't gotten a reply, and today i realized that the deadline for meeting my conditions is july 31st, and then i found that the soonest i can take the toefl here is july 25th. scores don't come out til like two weeks later! so. i'm gonna have to call them... and hopefully either get out of taking the test, or get them to allow me to send in the scores late. any other outcome would really, really, really suck.
BUT. i'm just feeling overwhelmed today... or rather, tonight. i just need to get out of passive holiday mode and act, and i'm sure things will fall into place, one way or another. at any rate, i think i'm done with the lazing for a bit... hey! ho! let's go!
"just when you think you're in control
just when you think you've got a hold
just when you get on a roll
here it goes, here it goes, here goes again
oh here it goes again
i should have known, should have known, should have known again
but here it goes again
oh here it goes again."
- here it goes again, okgo.
and then there's sorting out cambridge - i found out i got accepted into girton college (yay! =D), but i still haven't heard from the cambridge trusts about scholarships. most of what i've read online has only confused me and/or made me even more nervous - some people say that scholarships continue to be awarded through september, some say all the full scholarships have been awarded, some say we will find out by the end of july, some say that if we are successful we will hear through email and that if we aren't we will be notified through snail mail - which could take ages to get here! it's a lot of money, and i really want(ed) to do this post-grad thing on my own... in fact, i remember saying that if i didn't get a scholarship i wouldn't go. but... gah! of course, there are other sources of funding that i should and will look into, but it's a tedious process that i've started but have been skirting.
i'm also supposed to take the toefl again, which i find pretty ridiculous because i graduated from an english-speaking institution, i've taken it before (but the score has since expired), i have valid sat and gre scores, and i'm technically a native english speaker! i emailed them about it a while ago but haven't gotten a reply, and today i realized that the deadline for meeting my conditions is july 31st, and then i found that the soonest i can take the toefl here is july 25th. scores don't come out til like two weeks later! so. i'm gonna have to call them... and hopefully either get out of taking the test, or get them to allow me to send in the scores late. any other outcome would really, really, really suck.
BUT. i'm just feeling overwhelmed today... or rather, tonight. i just need to get out of passive holiday mode and act, and i'm sure things will fall into place, one way or another. at any rate, i think i'm done with the lazing for a bit... hey! ho! let's go!
"just when you think you're in control
just when you think you've got a hold
just when you get on a roll
here it goes, here it goes, here goes again
oh here it goes again
i should have known, should have known, should have known again
but here it goes again
oh here it goes again."
- here it goes again, okgo.
Sunday 21 June 2009
baggage.
since i've been home, i've run around ss18 with anthea, had chicken/char siew rice, met up with mel and ying, yum cha-ed, been to a bar/club, had pork noodles, cut my hair, gotten a new phone number (using my first ever phone!), had a home-cooked meal (which included prawn sambal... mm.),had chee cheong fun, been to the market, driven a car, played the guitar and sang (or at least tried to) with anthea, attended the prefects' reunion, been "surprised" by dav (=P), been to church, met up with my dad's side of the family, cooked a pretty elaborate father's day dinner with anthea and sam, my cousin, and mamaked with jiat, ben nett, yih ren, mav and dav.
it always amazes me how it feels like i've always been home when i get back, and how with most people it feels like we didn't just spend nine months or more apart. most. but i was prepared for some emotional distance and guardedness, i guess.
what i haven't done is unpack. =(
"i count the steps, the distance to the time when it was me and you,
so far gone,
another face, another friend, another place, another end.
but i'll play on
and it's a winding road, and it's a long way home.
so don't wait for someone will tell you it's too late
'cause these are the best days
there's always something tomorrow
so i say let's make the best of tonight
yeah,let's make the best of tonight
here comes the rest of our lives,
the rest of our lives."
- best days, graham colton.
it always amazes me how it feels like i've always been home when i get back, and how with most people it feels like we didn't just spend nine months or more apart. most. but i was prepared for some emotional distance and guardedness, i guess.
what i haven't done is unpack. =(
"i count the steps, the distance to the time when it was me and you,
so far gone,
another face, another friend, another place, another end.
but i'll play on
and it's a winding road, and it's a long way home.
so don't wait for someone will tell you it's too late
'cause these are the best days
there's always something tomorrow
so i say let's make the best of tonight
yeah,let's make the best of tonight
here comes the rest of our lives,
the rest of our lives."
- best days, graham colton.
Thursday 18 June 2009
uprooted.
i'm gonna miss eugene and the states. more than i thought i would.
i miss it already.
time to board my flight from taipei to kl.
i wonder what malaysia has in store for me.
besides heat, haze and h1n1, that is.
i miss it already.
time to board my flight from taipei to kl.
i wonder what malaysia has in store for me.
besides heat, haze and h1n1, that is.
Saturday 13 June 2009
Thursday 21 May 2009
gemuruh.
"bila bertalu rentak di kalbu
hasrat yang tersirat semakin kuburu
bila bergema laungan gempita
harapan bernyala nadiku berganda
gemuruh jiwa, semangat membara
dari puncak ingin ke angkasa
berkalungkan bintang berkelipan
menyerlah jauh dari yang biasa
ungkapan ini bukan sekadar bermimpi
segalanya pasti kan terbukti nanti."
- gemuruh, faizal tahir
hasrat yang tersirat semakin kuburu
bila bergema laungan gempita
harapan bernyala nadiku berganda
gemuruh jiwa, semangat membara
dari puncak ingin ke angkasa
berkalungkan bintang berkelipan
menyerlah jauh dari yang biasa
ungkapan ini bukan sekadar bermimpi
segalanya pasti kan terbukti nanti."
- gemuruh, faizal tahir
Wednesday 20 May 2009
faith and trust and pixie dust.
"think of the happiest things
it's the same as having wings
take the path that moonbeams make
if the moon is still awake
you'll see him wink his eye
you can fly, you can fly
you can fly!
up you go with a heigh and ho
to the stars beyond the blue
there's a neverland waiting for you
where all your happy dreams come true
every dream that you dream will come true
when there's a smile in your heart
there's no better time to start
think of all the joy you'll find
when you leave the world behind
and bid your cares goodbye
you can fly, you can fly
you can fly, you can fly
you can fly!"
disney makes me happy. =)
peter pan is a pretty sexist and racist cartoon though lol.
it's the same as having wings
take the path that moonbeams make
if the moon is still awake
you'll see him wink his eye
you can fly, you can fly
you can fly!
up you go with a heigh and ho
to the stars beyond the blue
there's a neverland waiting for you
where all your happy dreams come true
every dream that you dream will come true
when there's a smile in your heart
there's no better time to start
think of all the joy you'll find
when you leave the world behind
and bid your cares goodbye
you can fly, you can fly
you can fly, you can fly
you can fly!"
disney makes me happy. =)
peter pan is a pretty sexist and racist cartoon though lol.
Tuesday 19 May 2009
scoo be do be do!
lately, i have become increasingly aware of what is important to me, what i can tolerate, and what i can live without. i like it, but it follows that i am now more assertive. and there is a fine line between being assertive and being overbearing. and i don't like overbearing. i also don't like hypocrisy, and i don't like that i am a hypocrite myself, many times over.
isn't it amazing how we nitpick at ourselves, often so much more than others do? i was thinking about it today, and i realized how negative i am about myself - i tell myself every day that i should start doing this, stop doing that, do this more, do that less, fix this, better that... that drive for self-improvement is important, but it's so unfortunate that it is barely counterbalanced out by positive messages playing in my head about what i'm doing right. see? even that was a negative message of sorts: "stop criticizing yourself, start accepting who you are..."
it's such a challenge to find that balance between being and doing. between saying
"whatever! everyone else can think what they like of me, i'm not perfect and i never will be, i can never do everything, see everything, experience everything, so why bother? i am who i am where i am, that's fine by me. take it or leave it."
and
"i cannot let myself get complacent - i am fine the way i am, but why settle for just fine when i can be good? why settle for good when i can be better? why settle for better when i can be best? it's true that i cannot get everyone to like me, but why not try to make as many friends as i can? i know i cannot do everything, but why not do as much as i can?"
being happy with who you are is a lifelong battle, and that means being unhappy with yourself is a lifelong battle too.
yay.
"i have dreams of orca whales and owls
but i wake up in fear
you will never be my, you will never be my dear
will never be my dear, dear friend."
- hotel song, regina spektor.
isn't it amazing how we nitpick at ourselves, often so much more than others do? i was thinking about it today, and i realized how negative i am about myself - i tell myself every day that i should start doing this, stop doing that, do this more, do that less, fix this, better that... that drive for self-improvement is important, but it's so unfortunate that it is barely counterbalanced out by positive messages playing in my head about what i'm doing right. see? even that was a negative message of sorts: "stop criticizing yourself, start accepting who you are..."
it's such a challenge to find that balance between being and doing. between saying
"whatever! everyone else can think what they like of me, i'm not perfect and i never will be, i can never do everything, see everything, experience everything, so why bother? i am who i am where i am, that's fine by me. take it or leave it."
and
"i cannot let myself get complacent - i am fine the way i am, but why settle for just fine when i can be good? why settle for good when i can be better? why settle for better when i can be best? it's true that i cannot get everyone to like me, but why not try to make as many friends as i can? i know i cannot do everything, but why not do as much as i can?"
being happy with who you are is a lifelong battle, and that means being unhappy with yourself is a lifelong battle too.
yay.
"i have dreams of orca whales and owls
but i wake up in fear
you will never be my, you will never be my dear
will never be my dear, dear friend."
- hotel song, regina spektor.
Tuesday 12 May 2009
mauvaise foi (bad faith):
a philosophical concept first coined by jean-paul satre to describe the phenomenon wherein one denies one's total freedom, instead choosing to behave as an inert object.
- definition taken from wikipedia as a matter of convenience.
- definition taken from wikipedia as a matter of convenience.
Monday 11 May 2009
the theory of relativity.
the fact that there are only 21 days left in may is both a stressor and a comfort.
every day that passes brings me one day closer to finding out what my path will be; every day that passes leaves me one less day as an undergraduate.
every hour that passes leaves me one less hour here in eugene with my friends, the ucf house, moss street, the annoyingly unpredictable weather, the u of o; every hour that passes brings me an hour closer to seeing my family again and to going home to the warm weather, subang jaya, yummy food, my extended family, my malaysian friends.
it's weird to think that about a year and a half ago i was a month away from leaving malaysia for what felt like a very long time, and now i'm a month away from leaving eugene for what feels like forever.
so much to do, so much to say, so much to see, so much to enjoy... so much to drink. yes? =)
time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana!
every day that passes brings me one day closer to finding out what my path will be; every day that passes leaves me one less day as an undergraduate.
every hour that passes leaves me one less hour here in eugene with my friends, the ucf house, moss street, the annoyingly unpredictable weather, the u of o; every hour that passes brings me an hour closer to seeing my family again and to going home to the warm weather, subang jaya, yummy food, my extended family, my malaysian friends.
it's weird to think that about a year and a half ago i was a month away from leaving malaysia for what felt like a very long time, and now i'm a month away from leaving eugene for what feels like forever.
so much to do, so much to say, so much to see, so much to enjoy... so much to drink. yes? =)
time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana!
Thursday 7 May 2009
iFeel...
excited, nervous, comfortable, disappointed, adventurous, intimidated, proud, boring, contented, drained, hopeful, frustrated, inspired, impatient, loved, distant, determined, inadequate, lazy, ambitious, disorganized, cheerful, guilty, grateful, overwhelmed, independent,
conflicted and confused.
"don't you think we oughta know by now?
don't you think we shoulda learned somehow?"
- slow dancing in a burning room, john mayer.
conflicted and confused.
"don't you think we oughta know by now?
don't you think we shoulda learned somehow?"
- slow dancing in a burning room, john mayer.
Wednesday 22 April 2009
silver white winters that melt into springs.
it's so easy to be happy when it's warm and sunny! it's unbelievable that the temperature's been in the mid- to high 20s (celsius). the daisies, daffodils, bluebells and tulips are so pretty... and the trees are green again. i know the rain and cold are coming back but i'm gonna enjoy wearing shorts and flip-flops all day and leaving my windows open while it lasts.
*sigh of contentment* =)
things floating around in my head that i've been meaning to blog about:
1) ballet
2) the british isles
3) samoa
4) human trafficking
5) counterinsurgency in malaya
6) i-night
7) my birthday
8) my honors thesis
9) post-graduation plans/graduation in a month and a half (!)
10) friends
"no, this is how it works
you peer inside yourself
you take the things you like
and try to love the things you took
and then you take the love you made
and stick into some
someone else's heart
pumping someone else's blood
and walking arm in arm
you hope it don't get harmed
but even if it does
you'll just do it all again."
- on the radio, regina spektor
*sigh of contentment* =)
things floating around in my head that i've been meaning to blog about:
1) ballet
2) the british isles
3) samoa
4) human trafficking
5) counterinsurgency in malaya
6) i-night
7) my birthday
8) my honors thesis
9) post-graduation plans/graduation in a month and a half (!)
10) friends
"no, this is how it works
you peer inside yourself
you take the things you like
and try to love the things you took
and then you take the love you made
and stick into some
someone else's heart
pumping someone else's blood
and walking arm in arm
you hope it don't get harmed
but even if it does
you'll just do it all again."
- on the radio, regina spektor
Friday 10 April 2009
blackjack!
so here i am on the brink of adulthood.
i don't feel it. i feel 18, 19... 16, sometimes.
it warrants a big celebration, i know, but i feel rather subdued.
the forces that be would like a repeat of my shaolin soccer episode, but i want it to be memorable in a different way. different how exactly, i don't know though.
and it's good friday!
at least i feel better, despite the green muck coming out of my nose (sorry) and annoying cough (that i now have drowsy cough suppressants for!).
but yeah, i think it matters more to me who i spend it with than what i actually do. =)
it's gonna be an interesting day.
goodbye childhood! i promise to continue to regress frequently.
"this is how it works
you're young until you're not
you love until you don't
you laugh until you cry
you cry until you laugh
and everyone must breathe
until their dying breath."
- on the radio, regina spektor
i don't feel it. i feel 18, 19... 16, sometimes.
it warrants a big celebration, i know, but i feel rather subdued.
the forces that be would like a repeat of my shaolin soccer episode, but i want it to be memorable in a different way. different how exactly, i don't know though.
and it's good friday!
at least i feel better, despite the green muck coming out of my nose (sorry) and annoying cough (that i now have drowsy cough suppressants for!).
but yeah, i think it matters more to me who i spend it with than what i actually do. =)
it's gonna be an interesting day.
goodbye childhood! i promise to continue to regress frequently.
"this is how it works
you're young until you're not
you love until you don't
you laugh until you cry
you cry until you laugh
and everyone must breathe
until their dying breath."
- on the radio, regina spektor
Monday 30 March 2009
can we fix it?
gosh, what a spring break. i don't wanna go to bed because that would mean that the term has officially begun. my last term at the u of o. which means graduation is only two and a half months away.
for those of you who don't know, i spent my spring break up in yakima, wa on a mission trip with my church. we spent the week volunteering with habitat for humanity, which is an organization that builds houses for the poor and the homeless. which means i actually got to do construction work... hard hat, nail belt, power drill and all!
we started off with just the foundation.
then we built and stood up two walls...
and then another two...
and then worked on the garage...
while putting up more walls to divide the house into rooms...
and the last thing we did was put up the beam in the garage.
it would've been nice to stay longer and actually finish the house, but it was still very satisfying, fulfilling, and a total blast. and we were expecting rain and gloom throughout the week but we had gorgeous weather all throughout. the people i went with were amazing... there was such a sense of community, and they were all so much fun! we celebrated mass five times throughout the trip - twice on site - so i got at least 100 hugs when we exchanged the sign of peace (there were 22 of us altogether). that was nice. =)
the first mass on site, with the planks that served as our altar were used to build the walls.
the second mass, which we celebrated "in" the house when the four walls were up. the plank in front of the altar is the one that i wrote on - we all got to write messages or verses on the wood that was used for the walls. that was pretty cool too.
i wish break was longer, so that i could've gone on my mission trip and also spent time with bryan, esh and sean... at least i got to hang out with them for a bit tonight.
oh and btw, i didn't get the B i was hoping for last term... the nerd in me prevailed. on that note, i should really get to bed so i won't be falling asleep in class on the first day of term!
"russian roulette is not the same without a gun
and baby, when it's love if it's not rough it isn't fun."
- poker face, lady gaga. one of the mission trip's theme songs. haha.
for those of you who don't know, i spent my spring break up in yakima, wa on a mission trip with my church. we spent the week volunteering with habitat for humanity, which is an organization that builds houses for the poor and the homeless. which means i actually got to do construction work... hard hat, nail belt, power drill and all!
we started off with just the foundation.
then we built and stood up two walls...
and then another two...
and then worked on the garage...
while putting up more walls to divide the house into rooms...
and the last thing we did was put up the beam in the garage.
it would've been nice to stay longer and actually finish the house, but it was still very satisfying, fulfilling, and a total blast. and we were expecting rain and gloom throughout the week but we had gorgeous weather all throughout. the people i went with were amazing... there was such a sense of community, and they were all so much fun! we celebrated mass five times throughout the trip - twice on site - so i got at least 100 hugs when we exchanged the sign of peace (there were 22 of us altogether). that was nice. =)
the first mass on site, with the planks that served as our altar were used to build the walls.
the second mass, which we celebrated "in" the house when the four walls were up. the plank in front of the altar is the one that i wrote on - we all got to write messages or verses on the wood that was used for the walls. that was pretty cool too.
i wish break was longer, so that i could've gone on my mission trip and also spent time with bryan, esh and sean... at least i got to hang out with them for a bit tonight.
oh and btw, i didn't get the B i was hoping for last term... the nerd in me prevailed. on that note, i should really get to bed so i won't be falling asleep in class on the first day of term!
"russian roulette is not the same without a gun
and baby, when it's love if it's not rough it isn't fun."
- poker face, lady gaga. one of the mission trip's theme songs. haha.
Friday 13 March 2009
like, omg.
MY FINAL PHILOSOPHY PAPER TOOK FOREVER TO WRITE!
and i still don't think it's deep enough. gah.
BUT i'm going to bed. because i've done all i can.
on a happier note, it is now 1.30am, and this is the latest i've stayed up to work on anything school-related this term.
i must be getting better at not procrastinating!
hehe who am i kidding?
and i still don't think it's deep enough. gah.
BUT i'm going to bed. because i've done all i can.
on a happier note, it is now 1.30am, and this is the latest i've stayed up to work on anything school-related this term.
i must be getting better at not procrastinating!
hehe who am i kidding?
Sunday 8 March 2009
hot N cold.
it's snowing! heavily! now! why?!
i want spring! i want spring! i want spring!
wow i've procrastinated so much. this week is not going to be fun.
i want spring! i want spring! i want spring!
wow i've procrastinated so much. this week is not going to be fun.
Wednesday 4 March 2009
deep breath.
monday:
7.30: wake up, wash up, breakfast etc.
9.00: PHIL 213
10:00: BA 316
12.00: eat packed lunch and change into ballet stuff
1.00: ballet
2.00: BA 317
4.00: meeting for mission trip
5.00: change, get dinner
6.00: marketing group meeting
7.00: bible study
8.00: work on group project
8.30: badminton
10.00: home, watch end of the bachelor, call daddy (happy birthday daddy!), shower, read
12.00: sleep
tuesday:
7.30: wake up, wash up
8.00: rec center
9.15: breakfast, shower
10.30: field study/work
1.00: meet marketing professor to get more (deserved) marks on marketing memo, work on assignment for SPED 431 (due at 9pm) in the library, collect assignment from professor's office
3.00: international tea at the house
5.00: clean up, have dinner
6.00: i usually have SPED 431, but we didn't have class this week. was hoping to have the night off, but nope, i had a management group meeting for the presentation we're doing tomorrow, and it took the whole three hours is usually taken up by class.
it's now about 9.30, and i have to study.
because tomorrow i have an exam, a group presentation, and a group project due in class.
7.30: wake up, wash up, breakfast etc.
9.00: PHIL 213
10:00: BA 316
12.00: eat packed lunch and change into ballet stuff
1.00: ballet
2.00: BA 317
4.00: meeting for mission trip
5.00: change, get dinner
6.00: marketing group meeting
7.00: bible study
8.00: work on group project
8.30: badminton
10.00: home, watch end of the bachelor, call daddy (happy birthday daddy!), shower, read
12.00: sleep
tuesday:
7.30: wake up, wash up
8.00: rec center
9.15: breakfast, shower
10.30: field study/work
1.00: meet marketing professor to get more (deserved) marks on marketing memo, work on assignment for SPED 431 (due at 9pm) in the library, collect assignment from professor's office
3.00: international tea at the house
5.00: clean up, have dinner
6.00: i usually have SPED 431, but we didn't have class this week. was hoping to have the night off, but nope, i had a management group meeting for the presentation we're doing tomorrow, and it took the whole three hours is usually taken up by class.
it's now about 9.30, and i have to study.
because tomorrow i have an exam, a group presentation, and a group project due in class.
Thursday 26 February 2009
Tuesday 24 February 2009
jabberwocky.
"very true," said the duchess. " flamingoes and mustard both bite. and the moral of that is - 'birds of a feather flock together.'"
"only mustard isn't a bird," alice remarked.
"right, as usual," said the duchess. "what a clear way you have of putting things!"
"it's a mineral, i think,"said alice.
"of course it it," said the duchess, who seemed ready to agree to everything that alice said. "there's a large mustard-machine near here. and the moral of that is - 'the more there is of mine, the less there is of yours.'"
"oh, i know!" exclaimed alice, who had not attended to this last remark. "it's a vegetable. it doesn't look like one, but it is."
"i quite agree with you," said the duchess. "and the moral of that is - 'be what you would seem to be' - or, if you'd like it put more simply - 'never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise.'"
- alice's adventures in wonderland, lewis carroll
"the greatest hazard of all, losing the self, can occur very quietly in the world, as if it were nothing at all. no other loss can occur so quietly; any other loss - an arm, a leg, five dollars, a wife, etc. - is sure to be noticed."
"thus possibility seems greater and greater to the self; more and more it becomes possible because nothing becomes actual. eventually everything seems possible, but this is exactly the point at which the abyss swallows up the self. it takes time for each little possibility to become an actuality. eventually, however, the time that should be used for actuality grows shorter and shorter; everything becomes more and more momentary. possibility becomes more and more intensive - but in the sense of possibility, not in the sense of actuality, for the intensive in the sense of actuality means to actualize some of what is possible. the instant something appears to be possible, a new possibility appears, and finally these phantasmagoria follow one another in such rapid succession that it seems as if everything were possible, and this is exactly the final moment, the point at which the individual himself becomes a mirage."
- the sickness unto death, soren kierkegaard
"there are, it has been said, two types of people in the world. there are those who, when presented with a glass that is exactly half full, say: this glass is half full. and then there are those who say: this glass is half empty. the world belongs, however, to those who can look at the glass and say: what's up with this glass? excuse me? excuse me? this is my glass? i don't think so. my glass was full! and it was a bigger glass!"
- the truth, terry pratchett
"should i give up or should i just keep chasing pavements,
even if it leads nowhere?
or would it be a waste even if i knew my place,
should i leave it there?
should i give up or should i just keep chasing pavements,
even if it leads nowhere?"
- chasing pavements, adele
"only mustard isn't a bird," alice remarked.
"right, as usual," said the duchess. "what a clear way you have of putting things!"
"it's a mineral, i think,"said alice.
"of course it it," said the duchess, who seemed ready to agree to everything that alice said. "there's a large mustard-machine near here. and the moral of that is - 'the more there is of mine, the less there is of yours.'"
"oh, i know!" exclaimed alice, who had not attended to this last remark. "it's a vegetable. it doesn't look like one, but it is."
"i quite agree with you," said the duchess. "and the moral of that is - 'be what you would seem to be' - or, if you'd like it put more simply - 'never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise.'"
- alice's adventures in wonderland, lewis carroll
"the greatest hazard of all, losing the self, can occur very quietly in the world, as if it were nothing at all. no other loss can occur so quietly; any other loss - an arm, a leg, five dollars, a wife, etc. - is sure to be noticed."
"thus possibility seems greater and greater to the self; more and more it becomes possible because nothing becomes actual. eventually everything seems possible, but this is exactly the point at which the abyss swallows up the self. it takes time for each little possibility to become an actuality. eventually, however, the time that should be used for actuality grows shorter and shorter; everything becomes more and more momentary. possibility becomes more and more intensive - but in the sense of possibility, not in the sense of actuality, for the intensive in the sense of actuality means to actualize some of what is possible. the instant something appears to be possible, a new possibility appears, and finally these phantasmagoria follow one another in such rapid succession that it seems as if everything were possible, and this is exactly the final moment, the point at which the individual himself becomes a mirage."
- the sickness unto death, soren kierkegaard
"there are, it has been said, two types of people in the world. there are those who, when presented with a glass that is exactly half full, say: this glass is half full. and then there are those who say: this glass is half empty. the world belongs, however, to those who can look at the glass and say: what's up with this glass? excuse me? excuse me? this is my glass? i don't think so. my glass was full! and it was a bigger glass!"
- the truth, terry pratchett
"should i give up or should i just keep chasing pavements,
even if it leads nowhere?
or would it be a waste even if i knew my place,
should i leave it there?
should i give up or should i just keep chasing pavements,
even if it leads nowhere?"
- chasing pavements, adele
rain... bows.
i've made life seem really gloomy over the last few posts... and really, while there has been the bad there has most definitely been the good too. if i go into each and every event right now i'd end up with too long a post, so i'll just list the highlights. =)
jan 19: i went snowboarding for the first time ever! i went with sean, esh and christine. it was challenging and very painful, but i'm glad i did it. i felt such a sense of accomplishment when i managed to sorta master the heel-toe thing and stayed upright for more than 2 seconds! here's a picture of me, taken by christine. she actually has videos of me too... need to get them from her sometime.
jan 31/feb 1: watched the australian open men's final at bryan's, which i actually managed to blog about. woot. since then we've figured out why nadal won.
feb 5: i went for my first ever basketball game at mac court with vania. it was a women's game against washington state, the crowd was kinda sparse, and we lost... but it was still fun! and it was nice to catch up with vania. =)
feb 13: i got a sweet valentine's day present in the mail. i don't think i'm allowed to say what it was, but it had to do with a penguin and a marshmallow. lol. later that day i went for the isa's winter formal (picture of esh and i below, taken by bryan). the last time i wore the heels that i wore that night was at last year's winter formal! got stalked by a creepy frat dude in a freaky mask while walking home with kanako, esh and sean.
feb 14: i worked with a classmate on a group project, and i actually enjoyed it because it was a real collaboration. janelle, ney ney, kanako, sean, esh, christine and i went to watch swan lake that night! it was amazing... the costumes, the music, the dancing, the 32 fouettes en tournant. we went for prince puckler's ice cream after... perfect end to the night. =)
feb 16: i went for a bible study that is held every week by my church for the first time. i feel like i'm finally becoming more a part of that community, which i'm happy about. it took me long enough! an old couple talked to me after mass a couple of weeks ago, and they said they'd like to have me over for breakfast or dinner one day... they were really sweet. i've also decided to go on a mission trip with them over spring break to yakima, washington to build houses with habitat for humanity. it was a tough decision because the other choice i had was to go on a road trip with sean, esh and david... on our last break together.
feb 18: i went to see an academic adviser, a psychology adviser and a special ed adviser to make sure that i'm on track to graduate in the spring, and i am. 17 credits to go... which i register for tomorrow. my last term at the u of o. later that day i went grocery shopping with janelle and dolly, and then we had mcdonald's for dinner lol. played tennis that night with bryan, bryan's friend val, and christine. or tried to at least.
feb 19: janelle came to work with me to take pictures for an assignment... so now i have some very nice pictures of me with the kids! yay!
feb 20: went to onyx house, another christian house about two blocks away, for their friday service. played apples to apples after and then watched high school musical 3. lol.
feb 21: got lots and lots of sleep, and watched a japanese movie called train man with my housemates and some of their friends. the movie was... different. but it was fun!
feb 22: it rained today. like really rained. not the nonsense snain (sneezing rain... cos it sprays) we usually get. the type of rain you can actually hear hitting your window, that you can fall asleep to.
time to go for badminton!
jan 19: i went snowboarding for the first time ever! i went with sean, esh and christine. it was challenging and very painful, but i'm glad i did it. i felt such a sense of accomplishment when i managed to sorta master the heel-toe thing and stayed upright for more than 2 seconds! here's a picture of me, taken by christine. she actually has videos of me too... need to get them from her sometime.
jan 31/feb 1: watched the australian open men's final at bryan's, which i actually managed to blog about. woot. since then we've figured out why nadal won.
feb 5: i went for my first ever basketball game at mac court with vania. it was a women's game against washington state, the crowd was kinda sparse, and we lost... but it was still fun! and it was nice to catch up with vania. =)
feb 13: i got a sweet valentine's day present in the mail. i don't think i'm allowed to say what it was, but it had to do with a penguin and a marshmallow. lol. later that day i went for the isa's winter formal (picture of esh and i below, taken by bryan). the last time i wore the heels that i wore that night was at last year's winter formal! got stalked by a creepy frat dude in a freaky mask while walking home with kanako, esh and sean.
feb 14: i worked with a classmate on a group project, and i actually enjoyed it because it was a real collaboration. janelle, ney ney, kanako, sean, esh, christine and i went to watch swan lake that night! it was amazing... the costumes, the music, the dancing, the 32 fouettes en tournant. we went for prince puckler's ice cream after... perfect end to the night. =)
feb 16: i went for a bible study that is held every week by my church for the first time. i feel like i'm finally becoming more a part of that community, which i'm happy about. it took me long enough! an old couple talked to me after mass a couple of weeks ago, and they said they'd like to have me over for breakfast or dinner one day... they were really sweet. i've also decided to go on a mission trip with them over spring break to yakima, washington to build houses with habitat for humanity. it was a tough decision because the other choice i had was to go on a road trip with sean, esh and david... on our last break together.
feb 18: i went to see an academic adviser, a psychology adviser and a special ed adviser to make sure that i'm on track to graduate in the spring, and i am. 17 credits to go... which i register for tomorrow. my last term at the u of o. later that day i went grocery shopping with janelle and dolly, and then we had mcdonald's for dinner lol. played tennis that night with bryan, bryan's friend val, and christine. or tried to at least.
feb 19: janelle came to work with me to take pictures for an assignment... so now i have some very nice pictures of me with the kids! yay!
feb 20: went to onyx house, another christian house about two blocks away, for their friday service. played apples to apples after and then watched high school musical 3. lol.
feb 21: got lots and lots of sleep, and watched a japanese movie called train man with my housemates and some of their friends. the movie was... different. but it was fun!
feb 22: it rained today. like really rained. not the nonsense snain (sneezing rain... cos it sprays) we usually get. the type of rain you can actually hear hitting your window, that you can fall asleep to.
time to go for badminton!
Friday 20 February 2009
here comes the sun.
it's been simply amazing to wake up at 7.30 over the past three mornings to brilliant sunshine streaming through my window. it's getting warmer, shoots are pushing their way up, on wednesday i saw a tree covered in flower blossoms, and stone fruits are making their way to grocery stores.
=)
"sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy,
sunshine in my eyes makes me cry,
sunshine on the water looks so lovely,
sunshine almost always makes me high."
- sunshine on my shoulders, john denver.
ps: like my choice of song, bryan?
=)
"sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy,
sunshine in my eyes makes me cry,
sunshine on the water looks so lovely,
sunshine almost always makes me high."
- sunshine on my shoulders, john denver.
ps: like my choice of song, bryan?
Wednesday 18 February 2009
empty.
i've composed at least 10 different posts in my head over the past couple of weeks... but every time i think about typing it out and putting it up i feel guilty because i feel like i should be dealing with some assignment i have, or completing some reading for class. or i'm just done with typing and i really don't feel like stringing together another coherent sentence.
which is rather ironic because i told myself two weeks ago, when i got the letter, that i was going to put academics in the back seat, at least for a while. i want to, and i think i need to. there are more important things in life. but old habits die hard.
i really want to get a B this term. time to start working on it.
which is rather ironic because i told myself two weeks ago, when i got the letter, that i was going to put academics in the back seat, at least for a while. i want to, and i think i need to. there are more important things in life. but old habits die hard.
i really want to get a B this term. time to start working on it.
Sunday 8 February 2009
25 pieces of me.
this is technically a facebook tag but since it's my first tag ever i thought i'd make an occasion of it by putting it up on my blog too. =)
1. my favorite time of day is the hour or so before sunset. i love the long, slanting shadows, the golden rays of the sun, and the general peace and calm that that time of day brings.
2. one of the few things i don't like about eugene is people spitting everywhere. especially on pavements and sidewalks. ick. like we say at work to the two-year-olds, "keep your saliva to yourself".
3. alice in wonderland is probably my favorite book. i used to have the jabberwocky memorized. i also like terry pratchett and paul coelho.
4. jason mraz rocks my socks. i overplayed "you and i both" when i was 16 or 17, but i still love it. current favorite is "a beautiful mess". i love his lyrics... lyrics totally make the song for me.
5. i like classical music. my favorite used to be vivaldi's "the four seasons"; now it's gershwin's "rhapsody in blue". "bolero de ravel" is a close second.
6. i did ballet for about 10 years, and i started doing it here at the UO last term. yes, i put on tights and a leotard twice a week, and i even got a pair of ballet shoes (which i haven't forgotten at all this year!). i love it, especially the petite allegro. ballet's the only class i actually look forward to this term.
7. my overhead serve is the bane of my volleyball life. never been able to do it consistently. my backhand is the bane of my badminton life, but i've been getting better at that lately. monday nights, woot woot!
8. i used to play soccer when i was 9 or 10... the only girl in the group. i even had a pair of soccer boots! we used to play rugby too, when the field was really muddy. most of the boys wouldn't touch me when i got the ball. =P
9. i rarely remember my dreams, but there are a few recurring ones that i unfortunately do. one involves me having to go through a space crawling with lizards, frogs and snakes; another involves me either being unprepared for a test or not having enough time to finish an exam; and the last one involves some or all of my teeth falling out.
10. i thought apples and peanut butter sounded gross when vania first told me about it, but i tried it and i've been hooked ever since. bananas go really well with peanut butter too! trust me, all you malaysians!
11. i bite my nails. i do it less now, but it's a bad habit i've had for years... i can't even remember when i started!
12. i like going to the rec center, getting all sweaty, running back in shorts in freezing temperatures, sitting around at home waiting to cool off, getting cold thanks to my wet t-shirt and bare legs, and then taking a hot shower. bliss.
13. i'm so glad i bought my bearpaws last term. they've made life so much warmer.
14. i don't like drinking warm or hot water. plain water has to been cold. it tastes weird otherwise.
15. i never drank coffee or tea without milk and/or sugar before i got to the states. now i love a hot cup of green tea without either. i can also drink coffee black.
16. i recently realized that i have become slightly lactose intolerant. i started drinking soy milk, and now i love it. yum yum.
17. i love chocolate, but i don't like chocolate ice-cream and chocolate milk that much. cadbury makes me happy.
18. i get my american, british and malaysian accents mixed up sometimes, especially when i have to speak in formal situations. it gets me tongue-tied and makes me feel very inarticulate.
19. i love to travel. top three on my (very, very long) list of places i want to go right now are spain, the uk, and hawaii. sponsors and donors are very welcome and very needed.
20. e.t. freaked me out when i was a kid - i remember burying my head in my mom's lap when i first saw it and not looking up until the movie was over. i am proud to say that i faced my fear by finally watching it over the summer, but i still don't like the way e.t. looks.
21. i love animated movies. my housemates and i have been working our way through all the disney classics like the lion king, the little mermaid, beauty and the beast, and snow white. they're awesome. shrek, finding nemo, the emperor's new groove and wall-e are also very awesome.
22. i love kids. they crack me up, and it's always so rewarding when they call me by name, reach for my hand, or run to me for a hug. it's also so nice to have them fall asleep in your arms. oh, and i love doing action songs with children! the poopy diapers are worth it.
23. i love going for mass. i used to find it incredibly boring when i was younger, though! i remember anthea and i timing the homilies and complaining if they went on for too long lol.
24. i have come to terms with the fact that i am a nerd. it's a part of me that i've been fighting all my life, but i now see what an integral part of me it is and how much i actually enjoy learning.
25. i think it's exciting that i don't know where i'll be at the end of the year. it hasn't fully registered yet that i'm graduating in five months.
1. my favorite time of day is the hour or so before sunset. i love the long, slanting shadows, the golden rays of the sun, and the general peace and calm that that time of day brings.
2. one of the few things i don't like about eugene is people spitting everywhere. especially on pavements and sidewalks. ick. like we say at work to the two-year-olds, "keep your saliva to yourself".
3. alice in wonderland is probably my favorite book. i used to have the jabberwocky memorized. i also like terry pratchett and paul coelho.
4. jason mraz rocks my socks. i overplayed "you and i both" when i was 16 or 17, but i still love it. current favorite is "a beautiful mess". i love his lyrics... lyrics totally make the song for me.
5. i like classical music. my favorite used to be vivaldi's "the four seasons"; now it's gershwin's "rhapsody in blue". "bolero de ravel" is a close second.
6. i did ballet for about 10 years, and i started doing it here at the UO last term. yes, i put on tights and a leotard twice a week, and i even got a pair of ballet shoes (which i haven't forgotten at all this year!). i love it, especially the petite allegro. ballet's the only class i actually look forward to this term.
7. my overhead serve is the bane of my volleyball life. never been able to do it consistently. my backhand is the bane of my badminton life, but i've been getting better at that lately. monday nights, woot woot!
8. i used to play soccer when i was 9 or 10... the only girl in the group. i even had a pair of soccer boots! we used to play rugby too, when the field was really muddy. most of the boys wouldn't touch me when i got the ball. =P
9. i rarely remember my dreams, but there are a few recurring ones that i unfortunately do. one involves me having to go through a space crawling with lizards, frogs and snakes; another involves me either being unprepared for a test or not having enough time to finish an exam; and the last one involves some or all of my teeth falling out.
10. i thought apples and peanut butter sounded gross when vania first told me about it, but i tried it and i've been hooked ever since. bananas go really well with peanut butter too! trust me, all you malaysians!
11. i bite my nails. i do it less now, but it's a bad habit i've had for years... i can't even remember when i started!
12. i like going to the rec center, getting all sweaty, running back in shorts in freezing temperatures, sitting around at home waiting to cool off, getting cold thanks to my wet t-shirt and bare legs, and then taking a hot shower. bliss.
13. i'm so glad i bought my bearpaws last term. they've made life so much warmer.
14. i don't like drinking warm or hot water. plain water has to been cold. it tastes weird otherwise.
15. i never drank coffee or tea without milk and/or sugar before i got to the states. now i love a hot cup of green tea without either. i can also drink coffee black.
16. i recently realized that i have become slightly lactose intolerant. i started drinking soy milk, and now i love it. yum yum.
17. i love chocolate, but i don't like chocolate ice-cream and chocolate milk that much. cadbury makes me happy.
18. i get my american, british and malaysian accents mixed up sometimes, especially when i have to speak in formal situations. it gets me tongue-tied and makes me feel very inarticulate.
19. i love to travel. top three on my (very, very long) list of places i want to go right now are spain, the uk, and hawaii. sponsors and donors are very welcome and very needed.
20. e.t. freaked me out when i was a kid - i remember burying my head in my mom's lap when i first saw it and not looking up until the movie was over. i am proud to say that i faced my fear by finally watching it over the summer, but i still don't like the way e.t. looks.
21. i love animated movies. my housemates and i have been working our way through all the disney classics like the lion king, the little mermaid, beauty and the beast, and snow white. they're awesome. shrek, finding nemo, the emperor's new groove and wall-e are also very awesome.
22. i love kids. they crack me up, and it's always so rewarding when they call me by name, reach for my hand, or run to me for a hug. it's also so nice to have them fall asleep in your arms. oh, and i love doing action songs with children! the poopy diapers are worth it.
23. i love going for mass. i used to find it incredibly boring when i was younger, though! i remember anthea and i timing the homilies and complaining if they went on for too long lol.
24. i have come to terms with the fact that i am a nerd. it's a part of me that i've been fighting all my life, but i now see what an integral part of me it is and how much i actually enjoy learning.
25. i think it's exciting that i don't know where i'll be at the end of the year. it hasn't fully registered yet that i'm graduating in five months.
Tuesday 3 February 2009
Your will be done.
Dear Ms. Pushparatnam:
Thank you very much for applying to the Graduate School of Arts and Sciences at Yale University. I regret to inform you that we are unable to offer you admission. As you know, the very high number of extraordinary candidates among our 9,500 applicants far exceeds the number of places we have in each program, and we are not able to admit many excellent candidates.
We are using this system of electronic notification to communicate with you five to ten days more rapidly than we could by letter and, therefore, help applicants plan their futures quickly and effectively. We wish you every success in all your endeavors.
Sincerely,
Jon Butler
Dean of the Graduate School
Thank you very much for applying to the Graduate School of Arts and Sciences at Yale University. I regret to inform you that we are unable to offer you admission. As you know, the very high number of extraordinary candidates among our 9,500 applicants far exceeds the number of places we have in each program, and we are not able to admit many excellent candidates.
We are using this system of electronic notification to communicate with you five to ten days more rapidly than we could by letter and, therefore, help applicants plan their futures quickly and effectively. We wish you every success in all your endeavors.
Sincerely,
Jon Butler
Dean of the Graduate School
Sunday 1 February 2009
the extraordinary.
photograph by tim wimborne, reuterswow, am i glad i got to watch that match! bryan and i stayed up til 5.45 am (well i did... he went to bed when they were drawn 1-1 in the fifth set! just as the commentators announced there'd be no commercials til the end of the match. =P he must've been really tired, because the suspense would've kept me awake!), and i'm gonna pay for it later but it's well worth it.
i still think federer's gonna match sampras' record, but yes, i'll concede that nadal deserved the championship that time. my heart just went out to federer during the presentation ceremony... i think his pain might have even tarnished nadal's moment of triumph just a little. which, btw, is a compliment to nadal. he has heart.
i'm surprised there wasn't an email waiting for me this morning from my darling daddy.=P
oh, and happy birthday to melmel! 21 babe... i'll see you on the other side in a bit. hope the day took a turn for the better towards the end. =)
kay, now back to the mundane. oh, how i dislike management and marketing. >.<
Thursday 29 January 2009
SAD.
i feel like i've been stuck in a motivational rut for too long now. at first i attributed it to the crazy fall term i had, and thought i just needed some rest before i'd be back in business. then i attributed it to the awesome winter break i had, and thought i just needed some time to transition back into the reality of distance and routine. now i'm attributing it to the fact that all my grad school applications are in and that i'm not doing any psych classes this term, and that's the theory i'm sticking to for now... but having reasons for why i'm in the rut isn't helping me get out of it!
and i really, really don't like this rut. it's zapping my energy. it convinces me i'm not doing anything even though i'm definitely not not doing anything. it's causing me to procrastinate. it's distracting me during my classes. it's pulling my mind places my mind doesn't want to go. it frames everything in such a negative light. it sucks the pleasure out of everything. it makes my bed warmer in the mornings, and the step out of my front door more difficult.
just when i think i'd gotten over the disappointment, i remember eagerly scanning the crowd and i realize i'm not.
just when i think i'd gotten over the hurt, i remember the confusion i felt and i realize i still need to know why.
just when i allow myself to get excited about graduation, i remember how things may turn out and i try to convince myself i'll be okay either way.
just when i've figured out who's important, i remember all the people i've lost touch with and i wonder if i will do better this time.
just when i've got the time for myself that i've always wanted, i start thinking. and instead of things becoming clearer, they become more convoluted than ever.
at least the days are getting longer. more sunshine and warmth, please.
"well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write
kind of turn themselves into knives
and don't mind my nerve, you could call it fiction
but i like being submerged in your contradictions, dear
'cause here we are
here we are."
- beautiful mess, jason mraz
and i really, really don't like this rut. it's zapping my energy. it convinces me i'm not doing anything even though i'm definitely not not doing anything. it's causing me to procrastinate. it's distracting me during my classes. it's pulling my mind places my mind doesn't want to go. it frames everything in such a negative light. it sucks the pleasure out of everything. it makes my bed warmer in the mornings, and the step out of my front door more difficult.
just when i think i'd gotten over the disappointment, i remember eagerly scanning the crowd and i realize i'm not.
just when i think i'd gotten over the hurt, i remember the confusion i felt and i realize i still need to know why.
just when i allow myself to get excited about graduation, i remember how things may turn out and i try to convince myself i'll be okay either way.
just when i've figured out who's important, i remember all the people i've lost touch with and i wonder if i will do better this time.
just when i've got the time for myself that i've always wanted, i start thinking. and instead of things becoming clearer, they become more convoluted than ever.
at least the days are getting longer. more sunshine and warmth, please.
"well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write
kind of turn themselves into knives
and don't mind my nerve, you could call it fiction
but i like being submerged in your contradictions, dear
'cause here we are
here we are."
- beautiful mess, jason mraz
Sunday 25 January 2009
cny #2.
i had an awesome "reunion dinner" with my housemates tonight... and then we watched mr. and mrs. smith.
i'm still stuffed. and i still wish i was in malacca.
xin nian kuai le!
i'm still stuffed. and i still wish i was in malacca.
xin nian kuai le!
Friday 16 January 2009
the Finite and the Infinite.
"[king solomon] said to [himself], 'come now, i will test you with pleasure. so enjoy yourself.' and behold, it too was futility. i said of laughter, 'it is madness,' and of pleasure, 'what does it accomplish?' i explored with my mind how to stimulate my body with wine while my mind was guiding me wisely, and how to take hold of folly, until i could see what good there is for the sons of men to do under heaven the few years of their lives. i enlarged my works: i built houses for myself, i planted vineyards for myself; i made gardens and parks for myself and i planted in them all kinds of fruit trees. i bought male and female slaves and i had homeborn slaves. also i possessed flocks and herds larger than all who preceded me in jerusalem. also, i collected for myself silver and gold and the treasure of kings and provinces. i provided for myself male and female singers and the pleasures of men - concubines. then i became great and increased more than all who preceded me in jerusalem. my wisdom also stood by me. all that my eyes desired i did not refuse them. i did not withhold my heart from any pleasure, for my heart was pleased because of al my labor and this was my reward for all my labor. thus i considered all my activities which my hands had done and the labor which i had exerted, and behold all was vanity and striving after wind and there was no profit under the sun."
- ecclesiastes 2:1-11
"if you asked twenty men today what they thought the highest of the virtue, nineteen of them would reply, Unselfishness. but if you asked almost any of the great christians of old he would have replied, Love. you see what has happened? a negative term has been substituted for a positive, and this is of more than philological importance. the negative ideal of Unselfishness carries with it not the suggestion primarily of securing good things for others, but of going without them ourselves, as if our abstinence and not their happiness was the important point. i do not think this is the christian ideal of Love. the new testament has lots to say about self-denial, but not about self-denial as an end in itself. we are told to deny ourselves and to take up our crosses in order that we may follow Christ; and nearly every description of what we shall ultimately find if we do so contains an appeal to desire. if there lurks in most modern minds the notion that to desire our own good and earnestly to hope for the enjoyment of it is a bad thing, i submit that this notion has crept in from kant and the stoics and is no part of the christian faith. indeed, if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires, not too strong, but too weak. we are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. we are far too easily pleased."
- the weight of glory, c.s. lewis
- ecclesiastes 2:1-11
"if you asked twenty men today what they thought the highest of the virtue, nineteen of them would reply, Unselfishness. but if you asked almost any of the great christians of old he would have replied, Love. you see what has happened? a negative term has been substituted for a positive, and this is of more than philological importance. the negative ideal of Unselfishness carries with it not the suggestion primarily of securing good things for others, but of going without them ourselves, as if our abstinence and not their happiness was the important point. i do not think this is the christian ideal of Love. the new testament has lots to say about self-denial, but not about self-denial as an end in itself. we are told to deny ourselves and to take up our crosses in order that we may follow Christ; and nearly every description of what we shall ultimately find if we do so contains an appeal to desire. if there lurks in most modern minds the notion that to desire our own good and earnestly to hope for the enjoyment of it is a bad thing, i submit that this notion has crept in from kant and the stoics and is no part of the christian faith. indeed, if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires, not too strong, but too weak. we are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. we are far too easily pleased."
- the weight of glory, c.s. lewis
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