scoo be do be do!

lately, i have become increasingly aware of what is important to me, what i can tolerate, and what i can live without. i like it, but it follows that i am now more assertive. and there is a fine line between being assertive and being overbearing. and i don't like overbearing. i also don't like hypocrisy, and i don't like that i am a hypocrite myself, many times over.

isn't it amazing how we nitpick at ourselves, often so much more than others do? i was thinking about it today, and i realized how negative i am about myself - i tell myself every day that i should start doing this, stop doing that, do this more, do that less, fix this, better that... that drive for self-improvement is important, but it's so unfortunate that it is barely counterbalanced out by positive messages playing in my head about what i'm doing right. see? even that was a negative message of sorts: "stop criticizing yourself, start accepting who you are..."

it's such a challenge to find that balance between being and doing. between saying
"whatever! everyone else can think what they like of me, i'm not perfect and i never will be, i can never do everything, see everything, experience everything, so why bother? i am who i am where i am, that's fine by me. take it or leave it."

and
"i cannot let myself get complacent - i am fine the way i am, but why settle for just fine when i can be good? why settle for good when i can be better? why settle for better when i can be best? it's true that i cannot get everyone to like me, but why not try to make as many friends as i can? i know i cannot do everything, but why not do as much as i can?"

being happy with who you are is a lifelong battle, and that means being unhappy with yourself is a lifelong battle too.
yay.

"i have dreams of orca whales and owls
but i wake up in fear
you will never be my, you will never be my dear
will never be my dear, dear friend."

- hotel song, regina spektor.