SAD.

i feel like i've been stuck in a motivational rut for too long now. at first i attributed it to the crazy fall term i had, and thought i just needed some rest before i'd be back in business. then i attributed it to the awesome winter break i had, and thought i just needed some time to transition back into the reality of distance and routine. now i'm attributing it to the fact that all my grad school applications are in and that i'm not doing any psych classes this term, and that's the theory i'm sticking to for now... but having reasons for why i'm in the rut isn't helping me get out of it!

and i really, really don't like this rut. it's zapping my energy. it convinces me i'm not doing anything even though i'm definitely not not doing anything. it's causing me to procrastinate. it's distracting me during my classes. it's pulling my mind places my mind doesn't want to go. it frames everything in such a negative light. it sucks the pleasure out of everything. it makes my bed warmer in the mornings, and the step out of my front door more difficult.

just when i think i'd gotten over the disappointment, i remember eagerly scanning the crowd and i realize i'm not.
just when i think i'd gotten over the hurt, i remember the confusion i felt and i realize i still need to know why.
just when i allow myself to get excited about graduation, i remember how things may turn out and i try to convince myself i'll be okay either way.
just when i've figured out who's important, i remember all the people i've lost touch with and i wonder if i will do better this time.
just when i've got the time for myself that i've always wanted, i start thinking. and instead of things becoming clearer, they become more convoluted than ever.

at least the days are getting longer. more sunshine and warmth, please.

"well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write
kind of turn themselves into knives
and don't mind my nerve, you could call it fiction
but i like being submerged in your contradictions, dear
'cause here we are
here we are."

- beautiful mess, jason mraz