my struggle.

i've recently come across some rather unflattering pictures of myself. i guess it would be more accurate to say that i don't like the way i look in those pictures. they bring up a lot of insecurities... especially since i've put on weight since leaving for the states.

but then, when i think about it, those pictures were taken of me. me in real life, in the middle of actions i usually do... and the pictures capture what i look like to other people, and essentially what i look like, period. i think a lot of the time people don't like pictures of themselves because it doesn't match the image they have of themselves. but really, that's you. erasing your "ugly" pictures from your digital cameras doesn't make you look any better.

it disturbs me, then, that i don't like how i look. i know i'm not ugly. and although it's easy to blame the weight for why i don't like how i look, i've don't think i've ever been comfortable with how i look, even when i weighed way less. there were always flaws and blemishes and distortions that kept me unhappy.

so. i have come to the decision to truly accept how i look for what it is. i don't eat (too) unhealthily, i exercise, i put some effort into grooming myself and some care into how i dress... and really, that's all i can do. i just have to trust that the people that matter to me can see past superficialities and love me - flab, zits and all.

and i have to do the same.