déjà vu.

so i know we're not supposed to live our lives in fear of making mistakes.
but what about living in fear of repeating mistakes?

"you breathed infinity into my world
and time was lost up in a cloud and a whirl
we dug a hole in the cool grey earth
and lay there, for the night
and you said,
"wait for me, we'll fly the wind
we'll grow old and you'll be
stronger without him"

but oh, now
my world is at your feet
i was lost and i was found
but i was alive and now i've drowned
so now i will be waiting
for the world to hear my song
so they can tell me i was wrong

but they weren't there beneath your stare
and they weren't stripped til they were bare
of any bindings from the world outside that room
and they weren't taken by the hand
and led through fields of naked land
where any preconceived ideas were blown away
so i couldn't say,
"no"

you sighed and i was lost in you
weeks could have passed for all i knew
you were the blanket of the overworld
and so i couldn't say, i wouldn't say, "no"
and they all said,
"you're too young to even know
just don't let it grow and you'll be
stronger without him

but oh, now
my world is at your feet
i was lost and i was found
but i was alive and now i've drowned
so now i will be waiting
for the world to hear my song
so they can tell me i was wrong."

- they weren't there, missy higgins.

butterfly wings and a fairy wand.

okay i'm beginning to feel nervous about my dissertation.
i don't like things being out of my control! gah.
it's going to be a mad month and a half.

starting... now.

so she said, "what's the problem, baby?"

i've never heard spring referenced as a season for love as much as i have here.
it would be interesting to see if ducklings, baby bunnies, tulips, daffodils and sunshine actually are related to an increase in human romance.
they make for gorgeous outings on the cam, at any rate.

i'm beginning to see what all the fuss is about.

"so i said i'm a snowball running
running down into the spring that's coming
all this love
melting under blue skies
belting out sunlight
shimmering love."

- accidentally in love, counting crows.

gnu rhymes with too.

dissertation due in under 7 weeks.
which means may bumps is in under 7 weeks.
which means summer break starts in under 7 weeks.
which means cambridge as i know it is over in under 7 weeks.

which means i have 7 weeks to collect data, analyse data, and write up my 15,000 word dissertation, 7 weeks to sort out my plans for summer, 7 weeks to spend with people i may never see again.

but also 7 weeks of sunshine, flowers, rowing, dancing, badminton, and fun. which really isn't so bad. =)

done.

i feel like it's about time for a proper, update-y post. not really for anyone else, but for myself, so i can one day look back at this post and be reminded of the past month. but it would be impossible to do the past month justice in a blog post, and i find it hard to imagine ever forgetting the past month anyway.

italy was great. i literally subsisted only on pizza, pasta and gelato... and sunshine. lots and lots of sunshine. and churches. lots and lots of churches. each place i visited had its own charm - assisi and its cobbled streets and steps, rome with history at every corner, rimini and its beach.

and when i was in rimini i found out i got a full scholarship from the cambridge trusts to do my phd here, which made me jump around in my hostel room for a bit. in the same wave of emails, i also found out that i got rejected by king's college london, and that i have a chance at graduating with distinction for my master's degree.

i had a lot of time to think while i was in italy. and not just think, but also to feel, and to feel intensely.

i thought my time in italy was great, but in some ways the time since, back in cambridge, has been even better. never has so much time passed more quickly and more serenely. my birthday started with socks, continued with breakfast in bed, a quiet morning, brilliant sunshine, a pleasant walk, tea and scones in an apple orchard, dinner with friends, champagne, sparkling wine, and chocolate cake, and ended with my room decorated in roses, tulips, and a potted plant (i still don't know what it is exactly... but it looks good!).

i haven't quite started work yet, but am easing myself into it. in the meantime, i'm collecting memories. like from earlier today, when i climbed through a window to have pasta in the sunshine (dressed in a tank top and shorts - and i felt warm!), climbed back through to get a pineapple, and then proceeded to eat half of it (which made my mouth hurt).

everything has been so amazing (read: a-mai-zing) that it's hard not to look for the catch, to brace myself for the fall. but for now, i'm just being.
and doing a pretty good job, if i may say so myself. =)

"well maybe you should just drink a lot less coffee,
and never ever watch the ten o'clock news,
maybe you should kiss someone nice,
or lick a rock,
or both.

maybe you should cut your own hair
'cause that can be so funny
it doesn't cost any money
and it always grows back
hair grows even after you're dead."

- ghost of corporate future, regina spektor.

he is not a priest, nor a married man.

"Não sou nada.
Nunca serei nada.
Não posso querer ser nada.
À parte isso, tenho em mim todos os sonhos do mundo."

- Álvaro de Campos (Fernando Pessoa).




i am nothing.
i will never be anything.
i cannot wish to be anything.
bar that, i have in me all the dreams of the world.

five red roses.

yesterday i sat on a beach, alone... listening to the sound of the sea, feeling the sun on my skin.
and i was at peace.

wave in, wave out.

wave in, wave out.

"maybe this won't last very long
but you feel so right
and i could be wrong
maybe i've been hoping too hard
but i've gone this far
and it's more than i've hoped for."

- for the longest time, billy joel.

rojak.

i have so much to say but i don't know where to start and it feels like nothing can do it justice so for now

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

will have to suffice.

i know this wasn't a very informative post, sorry. i just needed an outlet.

ah, life is good. =D