isn't it ironic, don't you think?

so.

on monday i went for a run and played wii for the first time in my life.
yesterday i rowed, played badminton, and tried out acrobatic rock 'n' roll.
today i met up with marta and ali for hot chocolate at an italian cafe and ended up chatting for about 3 hours, and also went for continental rock 'n' roll.
tomorrow i'm going to row, play badminton, and go for formal.
on friday i might try ballroom and latin.
this saturday i'm going to nottingham to play badminton at the malaysian nottingham games, probably followed be a halloween party.
on sunday i have rowing, badminton and rock 'n' roll lined up.

BUT, believe it or not, i actually attend classes and seminars somewhere in between.
i've read about 20 journal articles and 2 academic books.
i've made about 30 pages of notes (12 point font, single-spaced) based on what i've read.
and when i think about it, getting all that reading and notes done in 2 1/2 weeks isn't too bad.
is it?

i don't know if i'm doing too little work! or if i'm doing too much of the other stuff! and i don't get how i still have time to feel bored and unproductive! and watch multiple episodes of the simpsons every day!

i blame my 18-credit-hour-terms-plus-work-plus-research-plus-ucf-plus-an-attempt-at-a-social-life that was my undergraduate experience. now my internal gauge of what a healthy balance between academics and extra-curricular activities is is completely warped.

have i mentioned that i also went for mass three times last week and had lunch at church all three times too?
and that i'm on the college badminton team, and probably also on the college rowing team and the uni novice rock 'n' roll team? which means that these aren't just temporary pursuits?
and that i'm also doing a masters at cambridge?
one month down, eight to go.

"keep walking, though there is no place to get to.
don't try to see through the distances;
that's not for human beings.
move within, but don't move the way fear makes you move.
today, like every other day, wake up empty and frightened.
don't open the door to the study and begin reading.
take down a musical instrument.
let the beauty we love be what we do.
there are hundreds of ways to kneel and kiss the ground."
- rumi.

why NOT?

i like trying new things. since i've come to cambridge, i've punted. i've attended rock n roll, salsa and breakdance classes. i've rowed. i might try canoeing next week. and ballroom and latin. i do it for the experience - i like being able to say "i've tried it", and to be able to talk about different things at least on a basic level. it's also the reason why i enjoy listening to people's conversations about topics i'm unfamiliar with, and going to places i've never been.

but see, i always just "try". i do something for a while, get mediocre at it, and then i'm done.

i play the piano, but just enough to crank out pachabel's canon in d (in c, because that way there aren't any black keys involved).
i play badminton, but just enough to get a couple of smashes in once in a while and to place the shuttle cleverly every so often.
i run, but just enough to do 3 miles consistently in under 30 minutes.
i do ballet, but just enough to do single pirouettes and get my legs at 90 degree angles.
i know mandarin, but understand just enough to get the gist of a conversation and speak only when i absolutely have to.

you get the idea.

and i always ask myself "why?": why go for the badminton uni trials when you're probably not gonna get on the team? why play for college when girton is in the lowest league? why go for the nottingham games when you're probably gonna lose anyway? why go for rock n roll when no one's gonna be able to lift you until you lose a pound or two (or ten)? why go for salsa when other girls are gonna look so much hotter and sexier than you on the dancefloor? why do breakdance when you don't have the upper body or core strength to get into and hold a freeze? why talk to a philosophy major about philosophy when you know you are going to flounder miserably?

trust me, i don't hold any delusions of grandeur about myself or my capabilities. i know how to be realistic. but i cannot allow myself to be caged in by my self-perceived limitations all the time. i've done that enough.

sure i may be laughed at and ridiculed for having tried and lost.
but i will be laughing too, and i will feel a sense of accomplishment from having played the game instead of watching from the sidelines.

realism is overrated sometimes. and so is winning, all the time.

"row, row, row your boat
gently down the stream
merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily
life is but a dream."

oh well.

after two and a half weeks of ups, i guess it was about time for a downer.

i was at a club (yes, i know, on a sunday night) and when i got out my bike was gone. at least i used it well while i had it. and at least i got it second-hand, so it wasn't a brand new one. and at least i have the front bike light. and the lock. and at least i had fun dancing.

no use fretting about it. it's been jacked, nothing i can do about it. hopefully whoever stole it needs the money (or bike), uses it for something he/she really needs, and isn't on a full scholarship or something.

moving on.

"don't be afraid to fall on your head."

i did my first ever breakdance freeze today! and actually repeated it! and i didn't break my wrist! my arms are gonna kill me tomorrow! but i'm so excited!

*victory dance* (top rock, of course.)

win some or learn some.

yesterday's victories:
1. i went to the library and got some reading done!
2. i went for mass, and had lunch with people from church after.
3. i didn't nap!
4. i ran at least 5 miles! it was one of those days when it felt like i could have just gone on running forever.

loss:
i had a cheeseburger at 4am. again.

but badminton today! and possibly a breakdancing class lol.

"wake up everyone
how can you sleep at a time like this
unless the dreamer is the real you

listen to your voice
the one that tells you
to taste past the tip of your tongue
leap in, the net will appear

i don't wanna wake, before
the dream is over
i'm gonna make it mine
yes i, i know it

i'm gonna make it mine
yes i'll make it all mine

i keep my life on a heavy rotation
requesting that it's lifting you up, up, up and away
and over to a table at the gratitude cafe

and i am finally there
and all the angels
they'll be singing ah la la la, ah la la la
ah la la la la love this

i don't wanna break before
the tour is over
i'm gonna make it mine
yes i, i'll own it

i'm gonna make it mine
yes i'll make it ll mine

and timing's everything
and this time there's plenty
i am balancing
careful and steady
and reveling in energy that everyone's emitting

well i don't wanna wait no more
oh i wanna celebrate the whole world
i'm gonna make it mine
oh yes, i'm following your joy

i'm gonna make it mine
because i, i am open
i'm gonna make it mine
that's why, i will show it

i'm gonna make it mine
gonna make it mine
oh, mine
yes i'll make it all mine."

- make it mine, jason mraz.

call us when you wake up.

so, here i am. in cambridge. and i've been here for the past two weeks, which seems like so much longer and so much shorter at the same time. and the long and the short of it is that it has been pretty darn awesome, in the original, literal sense of the word. tiring, but exciting, stimulating, inspiring, and surreal all at the same time -

from the time i arrived in stansted, waited an hour for my luggage, wrangled my luggage through a line for train tickets, down two escalators (hemmed in by barriers too narrow for my biggest bag), on to the furthest possible platform in the station, and then on the train, arrived in wolfson court where i'm staying ("wolfie" from here on out), greeted by the porter who called me "love" and asked me if i was staying in "beefree", took a bath (as in a bathtub bath) because i couldn't find the shower and didn't want to explore my block because it was all dark and i was alone, used my couch seat as a pillow, and covered myself with my trench coat and shawls;


to the time i wandered around cambridge without a map, but still managed to get toiletries, open a bank account, buy a duvet (which i LOVE) and pillows, and get my university card (*bangga*), lugged it all back (i had to stop every 20 steps or so because everything was SO heavy. and the walk took close to an hour! but the duvet is worth it), and had chocolate bars from the vending machine because my card wasn't activated for the dining hall yet and i couldn't be bothered to wander around looking for food;

to the time i went for the international student orientation session and felt really bored because i'd heard it all before as an undergraduate, only(?) two years ago, went for lunch with the two people i am now closest to - marta who is italian but started learning french when she was 18, spent a few years in france, did two masters and is now starting a phd in french literature, and ali who grew up in india but did his secondary school in the uk, his undergrad in the states, and then wandered around syria for a bit before ending up here; bought my harry potter-esque gown, had dinner at the wolfie cafeteria for the first time, and then went to a couple of pubs with the girton grads where i got lost in a conversation with a philosophy phd student about pragmatism and realism (1. when i say "got lost" i don't mean engrossed; i actually mean i was confused and didn't know what i was saying or what to say. 2. the discussion started with him wondering why grads and undergrads didn't mix);

to the time i met up with elyse and her (and eric's) parents, went punting on the cam (and actually punted!), had tom yam for dinner (or what tried to pass off as tom yam), and then went to a couple more pubs;


to the time i walked half an hour to church and was welcomed by the familiar smell of incense, finally got to see girton college, picked and ate apples in the college orchard, and attended a quiz night in the graduate common room ("mcr" from here on out) at which i felt very ignorant (but i did know that bob dylan's real name is robert zimmerman and that stephen was the first christian martyr!);



to the time i went to the girton societies fair, had a pretty bad veggie burger because the line for the other stuff was way too long, got more apples, had my first long nap (most certainly not my last), and had drinks in the mcr followed by an awesome game of pictionary;

to the time i went for the uni societies fair, signed up for waaay more activities than i would be able to do (well, actually just signed up to get emails about the activities so i could decide what i wanted to do later on), wandered around looking for bikes, went for my department's welcome party, and met my supervisor for the first time with a glass of wine in my hand - most definitely not how i pictured it;

to the time i woke up at 6 something am and put my gown on for the first time to get my matriculation photo taken, and then spent the whole day at my department's induction at which i discovered i was enrolled as a phd student proper (not an mphil going on to my phd as i originally thought), and made the tough decision to change my status to mphil student which has implications for my workload this year, the possibility of me continuing next year, the activities i can get involved in, and ultimately my experience of being at cambridge... but i've thought it through, and i'm almost completely sure this is what i should do;

to the time i finally bought my bike and went for my first formal hall, which involved getting all dressed up and putting on my harry potter-esque robes again, pre-dinner drinks, a gong being sounded, the grads walking in with the mistress and fellows (while the undergrads stood, mind you), the mistress saying grace ("benedictus benedicat" before dinner and "benedicto benedicatur" after), a three course dinner, the gong being sounded again and everyone getting up for the mistress to leave, post-dinner drinks, and then the college bar;


to the time i cycled around for four hours with marta running errands and trying not to get into any accidents while figuring out the road system, and later went on a college bar crawl - three different college bars, followed by two clubs and a cheeseburger at a hole-in-the-wall (yes i know you've done more mr. yong);

to the time i got woken up by a false fire alarm after less than four hours of sleep and had to evacuate the building in my pjs, climbed back into bed to read and sleep some more, went for the university badminton trials which could have gone a lot worse, met a couple of malaysians there and followed them to their freshers' squash at which i met more malaysians, some of whom i already knew, and then went for another department party at which i met more faculty members and fellow grad students in my program (there was a welcome party by a christian society in the house next door and one of the people who was supposed to come to our party ended up there and had to be "saved" - but that's another story);

to the time i went to a church much closer to my place and really enjoyed mass, joined the girton grads for a walk to grantchester - a neighbouring village - through meadows and by the river, had scones with clotted cream and homemade raspberry jam at the orchard, which was just that - chairs and tables set out under apple trees (apparently famous people like virginia woolf used to go there for tea), went for the evening service at the girton chapel to listen to our choir, and then watched bee movie in the mcr (which, for the record, was NOT my idea! i am not imposing cartoons on people. yet.);



to the time i attended my first lecture at which my lecturer rattled on for two hours, very clearly and coherently, without consulting notes of any kind, spouting names of researchers and the research they've done and what their research has found no less, went for mass and had lunch at church, went for a research class at which i was falling asleep (already!), attended my first meeting with my supervisor with the other phd students she's supervising, went for a drink with her after, had alcoholic cider for the first time, and went for a poster presentation;

to the time i attended my second lecture about new family forms, matriculated, met the mistress for five minutes, went for a college badminton session which went really well and i had a lot of fun at, and then joined the girtonians post-mcr dinner for drinks;

to the time i had my first day of "nothing to do" but actually had a lot to do, did laundry, found that the dryer doesn't work, hung my clothes on the balcony to dry, napped longer than i intended to, went for a bible study, and went for rock n roll dance classes! (which isn't really what it sounds like - go google it to see youtube examples);

to today, my second day of "nothing to do", in which i managed to be somewhat productive in necessary but non-academic areas, napped longer than i intended to, played college badminton again, rushed home to get ready for formal, sat at the high table for dinner, had a good post-dinner chat, and played pool at the college bar after.

i've met people from all over the world.
i have a huge room with a couch and a sink.
the people in my faculty are impressive but not distant.
i've stepped out of my comfort zone.
i'm getting involved.
i'm staying social.
cambridge is known as "the desert of the uk", so we (we!) get rain but not too much.
it's beautiful here - green lawns, old buildings, cobblestone pavements...




i can see myself being happy here.
bring on the 5000 word essays, endless reading lists and intimidating assessment criteria!