a you-shaped hole.

it's hard to be completely honest with yourself. which is strange, if you think about it, because trying to lie to yourself is really a lost cause. but still, we try.

it's a rude awakening when you take a long, hard look inside yourself and realise that you are afraid of not getting what you truly want, and that to deal with that fear you've been distracting yourself with lesser things. you've been trying to convince yourself that what is conveniently at hand is what you want when in actual fact, it is probably not. it's just the next best thing.

it's probably toughest to realise that despite being aware of that fear and your "making do", you are afraid of letting go of second-best because maybe second-best is that best you're going to get.

and that's a scary thought.

job 1:21.

2009 was a big year for me. i was rejected, and was accepted. i made tough decisions. i had to say goodbyes, but also said many hellos. i saw all of "the gang". i travelled across four continents. i flew over the grand canyon in a helicopter and watched cirque du soleil in las vegas. i saw the opera house and the twelve apostles. i watched my first west end musical. i attended midnight mass at westminster cathedral for christmas and watched fireworks at the london eye for new year's. i achieved a major life goal. i tried things i had never done before. and i did things i never thought i would do.

from all that i have experienced and learnt over the past year, the main thing that i take away with me is the realisation of how loved i am by my family, and how much i love them, though probably not nearly enough. i owe so much of who i am to them, and without their support the past year would have been a very different year. i have also come to see beyond my immediate family, and am beginning to better appreciate the connection i have with my extended family as well.

and so it was rather fitting that the first emotion i felt in 2010 was one of thankfulness. i have so much, and all i have was given. as i face 2010, full of promise and uncertainty, i pray for the serenity to accept that which i cannot change, the courage to change that which i can, and the wisdom to know the difference. amen.

"welcome to wherever you are
this is your life
you've made it this far
welcome, you've got to believe
that right here right now
you're exactly where you're supposed to be
welcome to wherever you are."

- welcome to wherever you are, bon jovi.