myself and i.

it sucks to have someone tell you over and over again what you should change.

it's even worse when you know they're right,
even worse when it's you telling yourself over and over again what you know you should change but you don't,
even worse when it's hurting you,
even worse when it's hurting others,
and even worse when you feel like that there's nothing you can do about it.

"i hope you know, i hope you know,
that this has nothing to do with you;
it's personal, myself and i,
we have some straightening out to do."

- big girls don't cry, fergie.

little superhero girl.

"i feel like a little girl
trying to conquer the whole wild world
everybody wants a piece of me
and i just don't know where to run
i've got work piled up to my head
all i want to do is jump into bed
and wash away my troubles with lemonade teh-o-ais limau
play hide and seek with the boy next door my not-baby-anymore cousins
take a trip to singapore malaysia! and spain. and switzerland. and...
and imagine how i'll make the world a better place

all I need is a good disguise
one where nobody can recognize
that I'm feeling so small
all I need is a secret weapon
i've gotta have faith
zapping monsters into outer space
i'm gonna be a superhero."

- little superhero girl, corrinne may.

curtains.

the curtains drew open.
two women, dressed in red, did the tango with invisible partners. they came together, in sync... and then drew away, alone.
they danced, the music faded, and they danced on.
the only sounds left were that of their light feet and their heavy breathing...
until the lights dimmed, and the applause drowned out the sound of the curtains drawing shut.

the curtains drew open.
the same two women, this time dressed in black, stood side by side in the glare of a harsh spotlight.
they stared out at us with blank eyes, their faces revealing nothing.
the music came on, eerie, haunting... their bodies swayed and rolled, listlessly, lifelessly...
and then they froze, as if in fear.
they changed their poses, abruptly, and then again, and again.
one spun out of control, the other caught her in a tight hug.
the music faded, the lights dimmed, and the applause drowned out the sound of the curtains drawing shut.

the curtains drew open.
two new women, dressed in blue, with smiles on their faces.
they pranced around, skipped around... happy happy.
point?
the music faded, the lights dimmed, and the applause drowned out the sound of the curtains drawing shut.

the curtains drew open.
about nine of them stood in a row, in disheveled school-girl outfits and messy hair.
they stared out at us - defiant, mocking.
they made different hand movements, seemingly random at first... but actually the same repetitive movements out of sync.
they moved forward together, step by step.
and then one of them broke ranks and ran at full speed from one end of the stage to the other
and then fell back in line, as if nothing happened.
soon people were running at random, though of course it was choreographed and rehearsed.
and then chaos.
they were running, jumping on each other, falling, rolling over each other, whispering in each others' ears...
and they they fell back in line, making the hand movements out of sync, staring out at us - defiant, mocking...
the music faded, the lights dimmed, and the applause drowned out the sound of the curtains drawing shut.

the field.

i see a field...
it's green; as green as the other side.
soft grass, not too long.
daisies in it, yellow and white.
stretching out ahead of me as far as the eye can see.
flat, smooth...
a beautiful sunset on the horizon.
i see a field.

here i am!

so.

having my mommy here was awesome... it was interesting how some things hadn't changed at all, and how some things had changed ever so subtley. i now have a well-stocked larder and fridge. and an extra towel.

florida was WARM. i kept expecting to be hit by a blast of cold air everytime i stepped outside only to be pleasantly let down.
it was nice to walk around in a pair of shorts and a sleeveless top, it was nice to feel the humidity, it was nice to see and hear the pouring rain... it was also nice to go shopping. not so nice to see lizards again.
i finished my first book in a while! the curious incident of the dog in the night-time. i highly recommend it.
oh, and a duck swam in the pool with me one morning. i wondered if there was any duck poo in the pool. i didn't see any.

i had my longest birthday ever. haha. i started getting birthday wishes on the afternoon of the ninth from people halfway round the world. that evening i went "bar-hopping" with my mommy. and got carded at our last stop. =P decided not to sleep because it was already past 12 and we had to be up by 3-ish cos our ride was coming at 4 so we'd be at the airport by 5 for our 7am flight. stopped at salt lake city and got to turn my clock back two hours, then landed in eugene and turned my clock back another hour. that night my host parents made the effort to come for fellowship, and after fellowship the house threw a mini-surprise party for me, complete with cake, ice cream, party hats and the blowing thingies. then i hung out with friends til my birthday was over. =)

last week was a blur of doing things that needed to be done, not getting enough sleep, disappointment, and frustration.

on friday night i went to a dance performance with amanda, and i really enjoyed it. it was nice to do something different, especially something i didn't need to do.
on saturday i went had a nap three hours after waking up, just cos i felt like it.
vania and i were supposed to watch a track meet, but we went shopping instead. i bought a very huggable down pillow that feels very much like my pillow back home - a present from anthea. =)
spent the rest of my day pretty much just hanging out... didn't do any school work. at all.
and i got some good news - the first i've gotten in a while.
on sunday afternoon i had a long nap in the afternoon to the sound of hail falling on the roof... which reminded me of the heavy evening rain in malaysia that almost always put me to sleep.
on sunday evening i was reminded again of how everyone has a story to tell and a burden to bear. and how it is sometimes so important for them just to lay it out, and when that happens how important it is just to listen.

and... it's monday again.

sin city.

friday night in vegas yo! lol.
true, i'm only here for about an hour and "according to nevada law individuals below the age of 21 are prohibited from using or loitering aroung the slot machines, but who's being nit-picky?

it's weird to be in airports again, because the last time i was in an airport was when i flew over to eugene last september.
and it's even weirder because the reason why i'm in an airport this time is so different from all the other times i've been in one.

it still seems so surreal that i'm skipping half a week of class to fly across the country to see my mommy who is in florida for a business trip and whom i haven't seen in close to 8 months. and that just last week i was enjoying the california sun, and a couple of weeks before that i was jumping off sand dunes an landing on my bum.

i think it hasn't really sunk in because this week has been so busy and even tho i'm halfway there (kinda), i'm too sleepy and tired to process it.
but it'll sink in.

!

i'm turning 20 in a week!
and i'm gonna see my mommy in about 18 hours!

the double-edged sword.

i have been told that i am "too smart". people shake their heads in disbelief when i tell them about my course load, but then they tell me i'll be okay "for sure" because i'm such an "overachiever". i tell them my grades and well, i usually wish i hadn't.

i have also been told, though, not just once or twice, that i am not good enough (very politely, of course.). people have looked at what i have done, what i have achieved, what i am doing, my hopes and dreams... and have decided that i don't quite make the cut.

go figure.

"you can't always get what you want,
but if you try sometime,
you might find you get what you need."

- you can't always get what you want, the rolling stones.