i feel like i've been stuck in a motivational rut for too long now. at first i attributed it to the crazy fall term i had, and thought i just needed some rest before i'd be back in business. then i attributed it to the awesome winter break i had, and thought i just needed some time to transition back into the reality of distance and routine. now i'm attributing it to the fact that all my grad school applications are in and that i'm not doing any psych classes this term, and that's the theory i'm sticking to for now... but having reasons for why i'm in the rut isn't helping me get out of it!
and i really, really don't like this rut. it's zapping my energy. it convinces me i'm not doing anything even though i'm definitely not not doing anything. it's causing me to procrastinate. it's distracting me during my classes. it's pulling my mind places my mind doesn't want to go. it frames everything in such a negative light. it sucks the pleasure out of everything. it makes my bed warmer in the mornings, and the step out of my front door more difficult.
just when i think i'd gotten over the disappointment, i remember eagerly scanning the crowd and i realize i'm not.
just when i think i'd gotten over the hurt, i remember the confusion i felt and i realize i still need to know why.
just when i allow myself to get excited about graduation, i remember how things may turn out and i try to convince myself i'll be okay either way.
just when i've figured out who's important, i remember all the people i've lost touch with and i wonder if i will do better this time.
just when i've got the time for myself that i've always wanted, i start thinking. and instead of things becoming clearer, they become more convoluted than ever.
at least the days are getting longer. more sunshine and warmth, please.
"well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write
kind of turn themselves into knives
and don't mind my nerve, you could call it fiction
but i like being submerged in your contradictions, dear
'cause here we are
here we are."
- beautiful mess, jason mraz
Thursday 29 January 2009
Sunday 25 January 2009
cny #2.
i had an awesome "reunion dinner" with my housemates tonight... and then we watched mr. and mrs. smith.
i'm still stuffed. and i still wish i was in malacca.
xin nian kuai le!
i'm still stuffed. and i still wish i was in malacca.
xin nian kuai le!
Friday 16 January 2009
the Finite and the Infinite.
"[king solomon] said to [himself], 'come now, i will test you with pleasure. so enjoy yourself.' and behold, it too was futility. i said of laughter, 'it is madness,' and of pleasure, 'what does it accomplish?' i explored with my mind how to stimulate my body with wine while my mind was guiding me wisely, and how to take hold of folly, until i could see what good there is for the sons of men to do under heaven the few years of their lives. i enlarged my works: i built houses for myself, i planted vineyards for myself; i made gardens and parks for myself and i planted in them all kinds of fruit trees. i bought male and female slaves and i had homeborn slaves. also i possessed flocks and herds larger than all who preceded me in jerusalem. also, i collected for myself silver and gold and the treasure of kings and provinces. i provided for myself male and female singers and the pleasures of men - concubines. then i became great and increased more than all who preceded me in jerusalem. my wisdom also stood by me. all that my eyes desired i did not refuse them. i did not withhold my heart from any pleasure, for my heart was pleased because of al my labor and this was my reward for all my labor. thus i considered all my activities which my hands had done and the labor which i had exerted, and behold all was vanity and striving after wind and there was no profit under the sun."
- ecclesiastes 2:1-11
"if you asked twenty men today what they thought the highest of the virtue, nineteen of them would reply, Unselfishness. but if you asked almost any of the great christians of old he would have replied, Love. you see what has happened? a negative term has been substituted for a positive, and this is of more than philological importance. the negative ideal of Unselfishness carries with it not the suggestion primarily of securing good things for others, but of going without them ourselves, as if our abstinence and not their happiness was the important point. i do not think this is the christian ideal of Love. the new testament has lots to say about self-denial, but not about self-denial as an end in itself. we are told to deny ourselves and to take up our crosses in order that we may follow Christ; and nearly every description of what we shall ultimately find if we do so contains an appeal to desire. if there lurks in most modern minds the notion that to desire our own good and earnestly to hope for the enjoyment of it is a bad thing, i submit that this notion has crept in from kant and the stoics and is no part of the christian faith. indeed, if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires, not too strong, but too weak. we are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. we are far too easily pleased."
- the weight of glory, c.s. lewis
- ecclesiastes 2:1-11
"if you asked twenty men today what they thought the highest of the virtue, nineteen of them would reply, Unselfishness. but if you asked almost any of the great christians of old he would have replied, Love. you see what has happened? a negative term has been substituted for a positive, and this is of more than philological importance. the negative ideal of Unselfishness carries with it not the suggestion primarily of securing good things for others, but of going without them ourselves, as if our abstinence and not their happiness was the important point. i do not think this is the christian ideal of Love. the new testament has lots to say about self-denial, but not about self-denial as an end in itself. we are told to deny ourselves and to take up our crosses in order that we may follow Christ; and nearly every description of what we shall ultimately find if we do so contains an appeal to desire. if there lurks in most modern minds the notion that to desire our own good and earnestly to hope for the enjoyment of it is a bad thing, i submit that this notion has crept in from kant and the stoics and is no part of the christian faith. indeed, if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires, not too strong, but too weak. we are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. we are far too easily pleased."
- the weight of glory, c.s. lewis
Thursday 15 January 2009
hyperachiever.
winter term 2009 has still been suspiciously laid back for me. and i can't shake the feeling like there's something unpleasant lying in wait for me somewhere, just waiting to jump out at me with a deafening "BOO!". or that there's a huge pile of work i'm not seeing that's swaying precariously, about to topple over and smother me any minute. but but but... why spoil a good thing by anticipating an adverse turn of events that's bound to happen eventually right? live in the moment. yup. no need to deal with the work that i could do but isn't urgent enough yet to warrant immediate attention. =)
today we did this "speed dating" thing in my management class to choose our project teams. each of us had completed a "strengths finder" questionnaire online (that we had to pay $20 for!) to find out what our top five strengths are (mine are input, achiever, learner, connectedness and analytical), and then we had to put our names, five strengths, and life mission statement on a "name tent". this class reminds me of the motivational talks i had to attend as a prefect in primary and secondary school. haha.
anyway, so we were divided into two groups - one group remained seated, and the other group had to choose people to introduce themselves to based on their five strengths and mission statement. at least, that was the selection criteria we were supposed to use. after about four rounds, the groups switched places so the group that was previously seated now got to choose the people they wanted to meet. at the end of another four rounds, we were then told to form our groups. that was an interesting experience. i felt bad for kinda rejecting (i didn't really say a flat out "no") some of the people that wanted to be on my team, but at the same time i wanted to go for the people that i was really impressed with and felt like i could work with. actually, let me rephrase that: i knew i could work with all of them, but i wanted to be in a team with people that i wanted to work with. it wasn't like everyone wanted to be on my team, though, and all i had to do was say yes or no; there were a couple of people i was interested in but that i didn't get a reciprocal vibe from, and people that had already formed their groups before i could get to them. but at the end of the day, i got a team of people who seem to be capable and motivated. a couple of them labeled themselves as "overachievers", so i knew right away that we had some common ground. =)
for my marketing class, my lecturer had us fill out a student profile, and then put us into groups based on our interests and self-reported strengths and weaknesses. i feel good about that group too - one of the members is one of the most vocal in class and seems to know his stuff, another has already graduated with a degree in political science and economics, and the last member suggested that we use his uncle's company for our project, and then volunteered to put together our proposal that's due next week. volunteered.
so anyway, the point of this ramble was that through these experiences, i have come to realize how achievement-oriented i really am (have become?). i've always thought of myself as a reasonably good leader, because no matter what group i get put into, i can usually find a way to delegate tasks, and then pull everything into a cohesive whole. being as anal-retentive as i am, i am never satisfied until i feel the project/task is as complete as it can be, and so the end result is typically satisfactory, if not impressive. good team performance = good leading? now i think about it, i wonder how much of my group's success and my "success" as a leader can be attributed to my ability to manage a group effectively, and how much of it is actually just me dominating and micro-managing so my grade wouldn't suffer. maybe i'm not as people-oriented as i thought i was, at least in situations where my group's product directly affects my academic well-being.
i'm still trying to decide if that's a good thing. i mean, it's helped me to do as well as i've done thus far, but at the same time shouldn't it be more important to ensure that my group members are benefitting not just from being able to sit back and let me do all the donkey work, but by actually learning something and applying their knowledge? shouldn't i be as rewarded from the satisfaction of having helped others do well as i am from seeing another A on my transcript? shouldn't i be excited about how i can form new relationships with my classmates, instead of just analyzing and judging them based on how much or how little they're going to pull down my grade in the class? should i have said "yes" to the people who wanted to be on my team, even if i feel as if they wouldn't have worked as hard or as well, since my grad school apps are in and since it feels like i'll have more time on my hands to do group-work this term? and why do i make it sound as if i'm the sole reason for the successes of the groups i've been in, when i know that it is definitely not the case (90% of the time at least. =P)?
hmm.
today we did this "speed dating" thing in my management class to choose our project teams. each of us had completed a "strengths finder" questionnaire online (that we had to pay $20 for!) to find out what our top five strengths are (mine are input, achiever, learner, connectedness and analytical), and then we had to put our names, five strengths, and life mission statement on a "name tent". this class reminds me of the motivational talks i had to attend as a prefect in primary and secondary school. haha.
anyway, so we were divided into two groups - one group remained seated, and the other group had to choose people to introduce themselves to based on their five strengths and mission statement. at least, that was the selection criteria we were supposed to use. after about four rounds, the groups switched places so the group that was previously seated now got to choose the people they wanted to meet. at the end of another four rounds, we were then told to form our groups. that was an interesting experience. i felt bad for kinda rejecting (i didn't really say a flat out "no") some of the people that wanted to be on my team, but at the same time i wanted to go for the people that i was really impressed with and felt like i could work with. actually, let me rephrase that: i knew i could work with all of them, but i wanted to be in a team with people that i wanted to work with. it wasn't like everyone wanted to be on my team, though, and all i had to do was say yes or no; there were a couple of people i was interested in but that i didn't get a reciprocal vibe from, and people that had already formed their groups before i could get to them. but at the end of the day, i got a team of people who seem to be capable and motivated. a couple of them labeled themselves as "overachievers", so i knew right away that we had some common ground. =)
for my marketing class, my lecturer had us fill out a student profile, and then put us into groups based on our interests and self-reported strengths and weaknesses. i feel good about that group too - one of the members is one of the most vocal in class and seems to know his stuff, another has already graduated with a degree in political science and economics, and the last member suggested that we use his uncle's company for our project, and then volunteered to put together our proposal that's due next week. volunteered.
so anyway, the point of this ramble was that through these experiences, i have come to realize how achievement-oriented i really am (have become?). i've always thought of myself as a reasonably good leader, because no matter what group i get put into, i can usually find a way to delegate tasks, and then pull everything into a cohesive whole. being as anal-retentive as i am, i am never satisfied until i feel the project/task is as complete as it can be, and so the end result is typically satisfactory, if not impressive. good team performance = good leading? now i think about it, i wonder how much of my group's success and my "success" as a leader can be attributed to my ability to manage a group effectively, and how much of it is actually just me dominating and micro-managing so my grade wouldn't suffer. maybe i'm not as people-oriented as i thought i was, at least in situations where my group's product directly affects my academic well-being.
i'm still trying to decide if that's a good thing. i mean, it's helped me to do as well as i've done thus far, but at the same time shouldn't it be more important to ensure that my group members are benefitting not just from being able to sit back and let me do all the donkey work, but by actually learning something and applying their knowledge? shouldn't i be as rewarded from the satisfaction of having helped others do well as i am from seeing another A on my transcript? shouldn't i be excited about how i can form new relationships with my classmates, instead of just analyzing and judging them based on how much or how little they're going to pull down my grade in the class? should i have said "yes" to the people who wanted to be on my team, even if i feel as if they wouldn't have worked as hard or as well, since my grad school apps are in and since it feels like i'll have more time on my hands to do group-work this term? and why do i make it sound as if i'm the sole reason for the successes of the groups i've been in, when i know that it is definitely not the case (90% of the time at least. =P)?
hmm.
Monday 12 January 2009
open, shut them.
i had a good weekend. and a good week, really. it was hard getting out of bed on monday morning, because emerging from my warm cocoon of blankets and pillows meant facing another 18-credit term and the reality that dav was on a plane somewhere above the pacific. after hitting snooze on my alarm clock three times (something i almost never do), i finally dragged myself out of bed, washed up, had soft-boiled eggs and milo, and headed out into the cold. i'm pretty sure it was drizzling too.
but that was a low point - with back-to-back classes and badminton that night with sean, esh and bryan, i was productive and had fun enough to feel better about the term that stretched ahead. the rest of the week passed in a similar balance of work and leisure, which was unexpected. i thought i would be plunged into a bottomless well of readings and assignments within the first couple of days, but i was pleasantly surprised. =) i still had time for leisure reading, to catch up with vania and jamie at the international tea and fellowship, to skype with val and anthea (which was previously unheard of on weekdays!), and i got my 8 hours of sleep every night. i'm hoping it lasts.
the weekend was awesome... i got three two-hour afternoon naps that i didn't really need and watched three different movies. that in itself would have been enough to make the weekend for me, but to top it off i slept over at vania's (well, really at yvette and yvonne's since she's staying with them temporarily... but they weren't around) both nights, the first night with jamie too. we watched old friends episodes, had a pancake breakfast, went to prince puckler's, went grocery shopping (at three different places over four hours!)... and i didn't do anything school-related until today, even then just some reading. in a way, i feel like this weekend was the perfect ending for winter break, even though break ended a week ago. i didn't need it, but it sure was nice to have. i'm glad vania and jamie are back in eugene! =) if only we could figure out a way to fly rony over... haha.
"a child can always teach an adult three things: to be happy for no reason, to always be busy with something, and to know how to demand with all his might that which he desires."
- elijah in "the fifth mountain", by paul coelho.
i'm turning 21 in three months! but before that... week two.
but that was a low point - with back-to-back classes and badminton that night with sean, esh and bryan, i was productive and had fun enough to feel better about the term that stretched ahead. the rest of the week passed in a similar balance of work and leisure, which was unexpected. i thought i would be plunged into a bottomless well of readings and assignments within the first couple of days, but i was pleasantly surprised. =) i still had time for leisure reading, to catch up with vania and jamie at the international tea and fellowship, to skype with val and anthea (which was previously unheard of on weekdays!), and i got my 8 hours of sleep every night. i'm hoping it lasts.
the weekend was awesome... i got three two-hour afternoon naps that i didn't really need and watched three different movies. that in itself would have been enough to make the weekend for me, but to top it off i slept over at vania's (well, really at yvette and yvonne's since she's staying with them temporarily... but they weren't around) both nights, the first night with jamie too. we watched old friends episodes, had a pancake breakfast, went to prince puckler's, went grocery shopping (at three different places over four hours!)... and i didn't do anything school-related until today, even then just some reading. in a way, i feel like this weekend was the perfect ending for winter break, even though break ended a week ago. i didn't need it, but it sure was nice to have. i'm glad vania and jamie are back in eugene! =) if only we could figure out a way to fly rony over... haha.
"a child can always teach an adult three things: to be happy for no reason, to always be busy with something, and to know how to demand with all his might that which he desires."
- elijah in "the fifth mountain", by paul coelho.
i'm turning 21 in three months! but before that... week two.
Monday 5 January 2009
kabhi kushi kabhie gham. =p
"i'm so afraid to love you, more afraid to lose,
clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose,
once there was darkness, deep and endless night,
you gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light."
- i will remember you, sarah mclachlan.
clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose,
once there was darkness, deep and endless night,
you gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light."
- i will remember you, sarah mclachlan.
Thursday 1 January 2009
hello goodbye.
"maybe you can drop in for a few days, whenever you can." - tata pushparatnam
"if i'm the one in green then you're the other ugly sister and mommy's the one in blue!" - anthea pushparatnam
"pushparatnam residence!" - aaron pushparatnam
"you're mexican, and you don't have your id on you." - ning geng, as quoted by anthea
"you look prettier." - ning jia
"did you like the shawl?" - mommy pushparatnam
"ah, it's quiet now." - daddy pushparatnam
"this time you're not here to eat all the cookies!" - patti pushparatnam
"i didn't shave so don't look!" - yingky
"come on skype more!" - kit
"having sex is one of your new year's resolutions?" - ping
"i should play a song? that's a brilliant idea! now why didn't i think of that adelle?" - bryan saxton
"what i'm looking forward to in 2009? i haven't thought about that..." "insya'Allah" - dav
"yeah, that was a tough time." - sean jin
"... so i can kinda understand how you felt." - melmel
"if i'm the one in green then you're the other ugly sister and mommy's the one in blue!" - anthea pushparatnam
"pushparatnam residence!" - aaron pushparatnam
"you're mexican, and you don't have your id on you." - ning geng, as quoted by anthea
"you look prettier." - ning jia
"did you like the shawl?" - mommy pushparatnam
"ah, it's quiet now." - daddy pushparatnam
"this time you're not here to eat all the cookies!" - patti pushparatnam
"i didn't shave so don't look!" - yingky
"come on skype more!" - kit
"having sex is one of your new year's resolutions?" - ping
"i should play a song? that's a brilliant idea! now why didn't i think of that adelle?" - bryan saxton
"yeah, that was a tough time." - sean jin
"... so i can kinda understand how you felt." - melmel
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