sour grapes.

i'm just about done with my first school year here at the UO. it's a strange feeling... one of accomplishment and pride, but at the same time some dissatisfaction and regret. i know that if i go back i probably wouldn't have done anything differently, and if i was faced with the same situation i probably would do the exact same thing... so i don't know if it's dissatisfaction and regret exactly, but i wish some things could have been different.

i think i came to oregon with this idea of what college "should" be like; what a "fun" friday night is, the "cool" people i wanted to get to know and hang out with, the parties where i wanted to see and be seen, how many friends i should have etc. i think because of these preconceived notions, i spent a lot of my time wishing i wasn't where i was doing what i was doing. i didn't live in the present as much as i would've liked to. don't get me wrong... i met an awesome bunch of people, and we did some pretty cool stuff. sure we were boring and bored sometimes, but i found people i was comfortable with - people i could laugh with, people i could talk with, and people i could sit and do nothing with wondering what we should do.

i'm talking more about the times i was alone. i think the biggest lesson i've learnt this year in ADELLE488 is that i'm okay with being alone. i don't need to be the social butterfly who goes to parties every weekend and has to stop every two minutes when walking in between classes because i keep bumping into someone i know. i don't need to have someone walking with me. i like having a small group of friends. i'm also a strong believer in true friendships that stand the test of time and distance and long silences. i'm a nerd. i like to do well in school. sometimes i wish it didn't matter so much to me, but honestly, it defines a lot of who i am. i've always felt guilty about working hard and scoring As, because i feel as if i'm losing out on the more important things in life. but then i wonder who decided what those important things are, and why they should be important to me.

so yeah, this year i constantly felt torn between doing what i was doing and what i thought i should be doing. and i think that's where some of the dissatisfaction and regret come in. but at the end of the day, i wouldn't have things any other way, even though the world tells me i should. i guess the conclusion i've come to is i need to stop wanting the things i think i should want because i don't really want them, and start enjoying the things i think i shouldn't want but really do want. i need to start being more, instead of wondering where i should be.

there's more right with the adelle i know then i give her credit for.