setelah sekian lama tidak menggunakan bahasa malaysia dalam kehidupan seharian ataupun kerja sekolah saya, kepetahan dan kefasihan saya dalam bahasa kebangsaan tanah air tercinta telah pudar. walaupun bahasa malaysia tidak merupakan bahasa yang begitu penting di pentas antarabangsa, saya berasa bahawa kebolehan untuk berbahasa malaysia adalah suatu bakat yang harus saya pelihara dan juga pulihara. ini penting, pada pendapat saya, bukan untuk menunjuk-nunjuk atau untuk menambah kepada senarai bahasa yang boleh saya cakap, tetapi untuk memantapkan identiti saya sebagai seorang rakyat malaysia yang telah dilahirkan dan menetap di malaysia sejak saya dilahirkan sehingga beberapa bulan yang lalu.
saya jarang menggunakan bahasa malaysia. saya berfikir dalam bahasa inggeris, bermimpi dalam bahasa inggeris, menulis dalam bahasa inggeris, dan berbual dalam bahasa inggeris. sambil menulis karangan ini pun, saya membentuk fikiran dan membina ayat saya dalam bahasa inggeris kemudian menterjemahkan perkataan-perkataan itu kepada bahasa malaysia dalam minda saya sebelum menekan papan kunci komputer saya. proses yang agak menjengkelkan. walaupun saya mendengar dan memahami perbualan dan ejekan teman-teman serumah saya yang berasal dari indonesia, jarang saya menyertai mereka. saya hanya ketawa dan mengangguk. jika perlu, saya menjawab dalam bahasa inggeris. tidak hairan sebenarnya, melihatkan bahasa inggeris merupakan bahasa yang pertama saya tuturkan.
apabila rakan-rakan saya bertanya akan perkataan dalam bahasa malaysia untuk perkataan bahasa inggeris ataupun bahasa indonesia, ada kalanya saya tidak tahu ataupun sudah lupa. seringkali perkataan yang ditanyakan merupakan perkataan "slang" atau tak formal. masalahnya, kebanyakan perbualan dengan kawan-kawan saya di malaysia dijalankan dalam bahasa inggeris. saya tidak menggunakan bahasa malaysia jika tidak perlu. apabila menyampaikan ucapan rasmi di sekolah pun saya "meminta izin untuk meneruska ucapan saya dalam bahasa inggeris!" agak memalukan juga.
petang ini saya menghadiri suatu acara yang diadakan oleh pusat antarabangsa di kampus. acara tersebut disertai oleh siswa-siswi dari pelbagai negara, seperti negara austria, burkina faso (di afrika), korea, jepun, dan indonesia. semasa saya menonton persembahan-persembahan yang disediakan, saya kagum dengan kepelbagaian kebudayaan di dunia ini. pada masa yang sama, saya memerhatikan suatu kesamaan yang sukar dijelaskan; suatu kesamaan yang menghubungkan kita sebagai manusia yang sama-sama melalui hidup ini.
saya ingin sangat mempersembahkan kebudayaan malaysia yang begitu kaya dan menarik. benar. tradisi-tradisi cina, melayu, india "dan lain-lain" yang mempunyai keunikan sendiri, dan yang telah diamalgamasi untuk membentuk satu tradisi malaysia yang lain daripada yang lain. tetapi saya tidak mempunyai keyakinan dalam diri saya untuk menyampaikan imej malaysia yang jitu. apa yang boleh saya nyanyikan, tarikan atau ucapkan? mengapa, agaknya, amalan tradisi dipandang begitu remeh di kalangan pemuda-pemudi, terutamanya yang duduk di bandar? kenapa kebudayaan barat begitu disanjungi dan diminati? aneh. tetapi tidak juga.
i think i am more of a coconut and a banana (half of each - a coconana!) than i realize or admit.
Thursday 29 May 2008
Sunday 25 May 2008
yo-yos and daisy petals.
wow i feel like there's so much that's happened over the past couple of weeks...
one thing i haven't put up yet is that i got to see obama and bill clinton in person, and got to shake (more like grab) hands with bill! cool cos he was a past president, not so cool cos one of the first thing that people seem to think about when i mention bill clinton is monica lewinsky.
it's hard to believe that a week ago the temperature was in the 30s (celsius), cos by about tuesday or wednesday the high was back down to about 14 or 15. today was a really pretty day tho, in the low 20s in the afternoon... had a good day with sean, bryan and esh. saturday market, bum, and then bbq and pictionary at sean's parents'. twas spring break-y. =)
classes seem to have gotten a bit easier... maybe if i hadn't gone to florida i'd have had a relaxed term. no complaints tho - i would choose mommy and florida again if i had the choice. but it's definitely nice to have more time to do what i will with. like on wednesday, i actually caught the champions league final between man u and chelsea, all the way through the penalty shoot out! i don't think i've watched FOOTBALL at all since i got here, except for the video game rony plays but that doesn't count. and then later that day i went to play badminton! again, i hadn't played at all since i got here, so it was a blast. and i only missed the shuttlecock like once. or twice. =P
and then of course there's stanford. which really deserves a whole post of it's own. but here's the whole story:
in fall i took a class with a professor who had studied in stanford. it was a great class, and i did well so i guess i made a good impression on her. i was talking to her about getting research experience and she suggested that i look into getting a summer research internship at stanford. i thought it sounded like a good idea. i looked it up online and couldn't find applications or anything... so i emailed her (she had gone back to stanford in winter term) to ask her how i could get in. she said she'd send out an email to her colleagues to ask if any of them needed research assistants for the summer, and put in a good word for me. some time passed, and she hadn't heard back from any of them. so i thought, well maybe this wasn't gonna happen after all. she said maybe it was a bit too early for them to think about summer, and that she'd ask again later.
fast forward to early this term. she forwarded me two emails from two different labs (we'll call them lab a and b) saying that they might be interested and asked me to send them more information. things were looking good. i was excited. this was when i was really busy with the beginning of term and mommy and florida, so i sent them both an email a couple of weeks later. then i got a reply from lab a saying they had hired research assistants two days before i sent them my email. and this was when i put up the emo "coulda woulda shoulda" post. lab a asked me to email lab c, because they heard lab c was looking for summer research assistants, and i didn't hear back from lab b so i assumed they weren't interested either. i decided to email lab c cos i figured i had nothing to lose, although i honestly didn't think it was gonna work. i started getting excited about other plans - summer school, travel, maybe even home. maybe it was a good thing i didn't get into stanford.
whaddaya know, lab c emails me back a while later saying they'd heard about me from my professor, and yes, they would very much like to have me there for the summer. there was one problem: they couldn't take in volunteers, so they'd have to pay me and they needed to check if they had the funds first. this wasn't so much a problem for me - i don't mind getting paid at all. things were looking up. then i got another email from them saying that i could volunteer after all. i thought it would've been nice to have earned some money out of it, and it really would cost a lot of money for the two months i would spend there, but it sounded like i would get some really good, hands-on experience and heck, it's stanford. it's worth it. why was i even debating whether or not to go?
then earlier this week, i got an email with the subject "abject apologies" from lab c. turns out at the bing nursery school that i was supposed to work at, parents sign a consent form that allows stanford staff and students to run experiments with the kids. and since i was neither, i couldn't work there. they said maybe i should consider alternative summer plans after all, because they didn't think they would have enough for me to do to make my time and money spent worthwhile. considerate, i guess. i wondered if i would be able to work at the nursery if i registered for summer classes. they said it was an interesting question. thing is, the closing date for international student applications was may 1st. i try calling the international office for about three days and don't get through. oh well.
so i start thinking about my alternatives again. maybe it's a good thing that i'll have time to take a couple of classes, so i wouldn't have to take on insane credit loads next year to graduate by spring. it'll be nice to spend the first half of summer with vania and rony since vania will be going to denmark in in july or august and rony's most probably going home in july. maybe we could have a house trip. maybe i could still go home. maybe sean could come visit. maybe i could travel. maybe i didn't really wanna go to stanford after all.
and then... and then. i get an email on friday from lab b. they're sorry they didn't get back to me earlier; it's been a busy term. they've heard about me from my professor too, and they would like to have me as a volunteer at their lab this summer. i am to let them know if i was still interested. i haven't emailed them back yet. it's a long weekend - they'll probably only get my email on tuesday anyway. so yeah, i guess i'm going to stanford. woot.
pretty eventful huh?
one thing i haven't put up yet is that i got to see obama and bill clinton in person, and got to shake (more like grab) hands with bill! cool cos he was a past president, not so cool cos one of the first thing that people seem to think about when i mention bill clinton is monica lewinsky.
it's hard to believe that a week ago the temperature was in the 30s (celsius), cos by about tuesday or wednesday the high was back down to about 14 or 15. today was a really pretty day tho, in the low 20s in the afternoon... had a good day with sean, bryan and esh. saturday market, bum, and then bbq and pictionary at sean's parents'. twas spring break-y. =)
classes seem to have gotten a bit easier... maybe if i hadn't gone to florida i'd have had a relaxed term. no complaints tho - i would choose mommy and florida again if i had the choice. but it's definitely nice to have more time to do what i will with. like on wednesday, i actually caught the champions league final between man u and chelsea, all the way through the penalty shoot out! i don't think i've watched FOOTBALL at all since i got here, except for the video game rony plays but that doesn't count. and then later that day i went to play badminton! again, i hadn't played at all since i got here, so it was a blast. and i only missed the shuttlecock like once. or twice. =P
and then of course there's stanford. which really deserves a whole post of it's own. but here's the whole story:
in fall i took a class with a professor who had studied in stanford. it was a great class, and i did well so i guess i made a good impression on her. i was talking to her about getting research experience and she suggested that i look into getting a summer research internship at stanford. i thought it sounded like a good idea. i looked it up online and couldn't find applications or anything... so i emailed her (she had gone back to stanford in winter term) to ask her how i could get in. she said she'd send out an email to her colleagues to ask if any of them needed research assistants for the summer, and put in a good word for me. some time passed, and she hadn't heard back from any of them. so i thought, well maybe this wasn't gonna happen after all. she said maybe it was a bit too early for them to think about summer, and that she'd ask again later.
fast forward to early this term. she forwarded me two emails from two different labs (we'll call them lab a and b) saying that they might be interested and asked me to send them more information. things were looking good. i was excited. this was when i was really busy with the beginning of term and mommy and florida, so i sent them both an email a couple of weeks later. then i got a reply from lab a saying they had hired research assistants two days before i sent them my email. and this was when i put up the emo "coulda woulda shoulda" post. lab a asked me to email lab c, because they heard lab c was looking for summer research assistants, and i didn't hear back from lab b so i assumed they weren't interested either. i decided to email lab c cos i figured i had nothing to lose, although i honestly didn't think it was gonna work. i started getting excited about other plans - summer school, travel, maybe even home. maybe it was a good thing i didn't get into stanford.
whaddaya know, lab c emails me back a while later saying they'd heard about me from my professor, and yes, they would very much like to have me there for the summer. there was one problem: they couldn't take in volunteers, so they'd have to pay me and they needed to check if they had the funds first. this wasn't so much a problem for me - i don't mind getting paid at all. things were looking up. then i got another email from them saying that i could volunteer after all. i thought it would've been nice to have earned some money out of it, and it really would cost a lot of money for the two months i would spend there, but it sounded like i would get some really good, hands-on experience and heck, it's stanford. it's worth it. why was i even debating whether or not to go?
then earlier this week, i got an email with the subject "abject apologies" from lab c. turns out at the bing nursery school that i was supposed to work at, parents sign a consent form that allows stanford staff and students to run experiments with the kids. and since i was neither, i couldn't work there. they said maybe i should consider alternative summer plans after all, because they didn't think they would have enough for me to do to make my time and money spent worthwhile. considerate, i guess. i wondered if i would be able to work at the nursery if i registered for summer classes. they said it was an interesting question. thing is, the closing date for international student applications was may 1st. i try calling the international office for about three days and don't get through. oh well.
so i start thinking about my alternatives again. maybe it's a good thing that i'll have time to take a couple of classes, so i wouldn't have to take on insane credit loads next year to graduate by spring. it'll be nice to spend the first half of summer with vania and rony since vania will be going to denmark in in july or august and rony's most probably going home in july. maybe we could have a house trip. maybe i could still go home. maybe sean could come visit. maybe i could travel. maybe i didn't really wanna go to stanford after all.
and then... and then. i get an email on friday from lab b. they're sorry they didn't get back to me earlier; it's been a busy term. they've heard about me from my professor too, and they would like to have me as a volunteer at their lab this summer. i am to let them know if i was still interested. i haven't emailed them back yet. it's a long weekend - they'll probably only get my email on tuesday anyway. so yeah, i guess i'm going to stanford. woot.
pretty eventful huh?
Friday 16 May 2008
mark your calendars!
the temperature high today was almost 30 degrees CELSIUS! that's like, not freezing!
for the first time since i got here, i walked around in a pair of shorts and a t-shirt. and my hair in a ponytail. and sunnies on. and i was still sweating!
i actually avoided the sun and walked in the shade, instead of the other way round!
i took a COLD shower just cos i felt sticky, without going to the rec center!
i opened windows and left doors open whenever i could and enjoyed the breeze wafting in!
it was warmer outside than it was inside!
i'm going to stanford for the summer!
now it would be really nice if some money grew on trees and fell from the sky just for me!
and now i'm gonna end my post without a punctuation mark just cos bryan told me to do otherwise
for the first time since i got here, i walked around in a pair of shorts and a t-shirt. and my hair in a ponytail. and sunnies on. and i was still sweating!
i actually avoided the sun and walked in the shade, instead of the other way round!
i took a COLD shower just cos i felt sticky, without going to the rec center!
i opened windows and left doors open whenever i could and enjoyed the breeze wafting in!
it was warmer outside than it was inside!
i'm going to stanford for the summer!
now it would be really nice if some money grew on trees and fell from the sky just for me!
and now i'm gonna end my post without a punctuation mark just cos bryan told me to do otherwise
Thursday 8 May 2008
sunrise, sunset.
it's nice having the sun rise slightly after 6am and setting close to 8.30pm.
makes it so much easier to get out of bed in the morning (and harder to sleep in!). also makes it a lot easier to stay active for more hours in a day. i remember towards the end of fall when by about 5pm i was ready to call it a day and go to bed... now i have my evenings back, yay! =)
just to let everyone know, as depressive as my posts sounds i'm actually alright. surprise! haha... i guess my blog, like a lot of other blogs, is a form of catharsis for me. like an affective laxative when i'm emotionally constipated. or something less gross. i just realized that my metaphor fits in with the concept of verbal diarrhea! okay, okay i'm done.
blame all the poopy diapers i have to change.
so... summer plans are still in limbo. i have about four not necessarily mutually exclusive and really appealing options i'm toying around with, and i'm waiting for more emails with further information so i can make the (hopefully) best decision. stanford is still an option, because i'm waiting to hear from a couple more labs, so keep your fingers crossed. but my other choices are beginning to look prreettyy tempting so those stanford people had better make a decision quick and make me a really nice offer soon! okay that didn't really make me feel any more superior to them than i already wasn't. =P
tomorrow is... thursday. i like thursday cos it's my sleep-in-and-recover-from-monday-to-wednesday day. =)
... i never know how to end blog posts. good night?
makes it so much easier to get out of bed in the morning (and harder to sleep in!). also makes it a lot easier to stay active for more hours in a day. i remember towards the end of fall when by about 5pm i was ready to call it a day and go to bed... now i have my evenings back, yay! =)
just to let everyone know, as depressive as my posts sounds i'm actually alright. surprise! haha... i guess my blog, like a lot of other blogs, is a form of catharsis for me. like an affective laxative when i'm emotionally constipated. or something less gross. i just realized that my metaphor fits in with the concept of verbal diarrhea! okay, okay i'm done.
blame all the poopy diapers i have to change.
so... summer plans are still in limbo. i have about four not necessarily mutually exclusive and really appealing options i'm toying around with, and i'm waiting for more emails with further information so i can make the (hopefully) best decision. stanford is still an option, because i'm waiting to hear from a couple more labs, so keep your fingers crossed. but my other choices are beginning to look prreettyy tempting so those stanford people had better make a decision quick and make me a really nice offer soon! okay that didn't really make me feel any more superior to them than i already wasn't. =P
tomorrow is... thursday. i like thursday cos it's my sleep-in-and-recover-from-monday-to-wednesday day. =)
... i never know how to end blog posts. good night?
Monday 5 May 2008
monday.
0800: wake up, have breakfast, email
1000 - 1200: business class
1215 - 1415: work
1500 - 1600: math class
1600 - 1645: experiment
1700 - 1800: group meeting
1800 - 2100: special ed class
2100 - 2200: rec center (?)
2200: shower, homework, crash
i'm glad it's a sunny day.
1000 - 1200: business class
1215 - 1415: work
1500 - 1600: math class
1600 - 1645: experiment
1700 - 1800: group meeting
1800 - 2100: special ed class
2100 - 2200: rec center (?)
2200: shower, homework, crash
i'm glad it's a sunny day.
Saturday 3 May 2008
coulda woulda shoulda.
i got an email today from one of the labs at stanford saying that they had hired two research interns for the summer just two days before i emailed them. i could've emailed them sooner - but the couple of weeks before i did spring term started, i went to florida, and then i had to catch up with all the work i'd missed.
i should've emailed them sooner.
now i'm waiting to hear back from one more lab, but honestly, i don't think i got it. i also didn't get called back for an interview with the internship i applied for in eugene. which means summer for me would probably mean more school and work at moss street, which doesn't look very different from what i've been doing all this while. no break from the routine... and even worse, most people won't be around. =(
it would be so nice to spend my summer just traveling... too bad i'm only getting paid minimum wage.
it just really, really sucks, you know? you'd think my 4.17 gpa might be a bit more useful.
i'm so tired of getting my hopes up; for seeing opportunities, reaching for them and having them slip through my fingers.
i wish i had the patience to wait for a door to open, which i'm sure it will eventually when the time is right. looking back, i see a reason for everything i've been through: everything i've gotten as well as everything that i've wanted but didn't get. it's made me who i am today. so yeah, i wish i had a little bit more faith, to know that there is a plan for me.
win some and learn some, delle, win some and learn some.
cry, rant, bitch, complain, despair, mope, sulk for a while... then move on.
what else is there to do?
"it just takes some time,
little girl, you're in the middle of the ride.
everything, everything will be just fine,
everything, everything will be alright, alright."
- the middle, jimmy eat world.
i should've emailed them sooner.
now i'm waiting to hear back from one more lab, but honestly, i don't think i got it. i also didn't get called back for an interview with the internship i applied for in eugene. which means summer for me would probably mean more school and work at moss street, which doesn't look very different from what i've been doing all this while. no break from the routine... and even worse, most people won't be around. =(
it would be so nice to spend my summer just traveling... too bad i'm only getting paid minimum wage.
it just really, really sucks, you know? you'd think my 4.17 gpa might be a bit more useful.
i'm so tired of getting my hopes up; for seeing opportunities, reaching for them and having them slip through my fingers.
i wish i had the patience to wait for a door to open, which i'm sure it will eventually when the time is right. looking back, i see a reason for everything i've been through: everything i've gotten as well as everything that i've wanted but didn't get. it's made me who i am today. so yeah, i wish i had a little bit more faith, to know that there is a plan for me.
win some and learn some, delle, win some and learn some.
cry, rant, bitch, complain, despair, mope, sulk for a while... then move on.
what else is there to do?
"it just takes some time,
little girl, you're in the middle of the ride.
everything, everything will be just fine,
everything, everything will be alright, alright."
- the middle, jimmy eat world.
Thursday 1 May 2008
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