getting smart?

the day before yesterday i was feeling out of it, but then i went to a party and learned a new drinking game and had lots to laugh about so i was glad i didn't spend the night alone. i'm happy with how un-antisocial i've managed to be since getting back to eugene... hopefully i'll be able to maintain this into the school year.

yesterday i played baseball for the first time ever! and i managed to make contact with the ball, woot. we didn't use the real things, but i was still pretty impressed with me. =) the welcome picnic was fun.

today i ate way too much and way too often. it was like chinese new year. i think i've eaten out more over the past week or so than i did over the last school year! not completely a bad thing, i think. and this evening i watched "get smart" at the dollar fifty theater, which only costs fifty cents on mondays if you have a group of three or more. it was worth the fifty cents.

i really miss you tonight. but i've become somewhat skeptical, you know? with all that's happened over the past month or so. do i miss you you or is all i'm really holding on to the memory of what used to be?

"the sun is down and the wind is calm
as it gently fades away
i wonder then and i think of you
and how nothing ever stays"

- nothing lasts for long, the samples.

rainbows.

agh! it's sneezing on us! already! hopefully this is like a test run so the weather won't go all out on us just yet.

in mass today a family went up for communion. the dad was carrying a toddler and the mom was carrying an infant. the parents stood side by side and took communion together, and then the priest blessed the two children.

it was such a beautiful, happy picture. =)

poker face.

when i first started at moss street, i had to participate in a short training session. one of the activities we had to do was pick a card at random (all the face cards had been removed from the pack), and put the card on our foreheads so that we couldn't see what card it was but everyone else could. we were told that ten was most desirable, and ace was the least so. we had to walk around the room and interact with everyone according to the card on their forehead - if they had a high card we were supposed to talk to them and smile at them as if it was someone we really liked and looked up to; if they had a low card we were supposed to treat them like someone we would rather not meet, or someone we would treat with contempt. we were given about five minutes to mingle.

at the end of the five minutes, we were told to stand where we thought we fell on the scale, with aces on the far left of the room, and tens on the far right. we were all pretty accurate - it didn't take us too long to figure out where we stood and how other people felt about us. five minutes. the leader of the session used this activity to emphasize how we should be aware about having favorites among the children we work with. as young as they are, they can tell if we are treating them like an ace or a ten. i work with one-and-a-half- to three-year-olds.

i have learnt that this exercise applies to the adult world too.
i have learnt that sometimes you are so obsessed about being a ten to someone you consider a ten but who only considers you a five, that you fail to realize there is someone you consider a nine who considers you a nine too.
i have learnt that just because you have a designated ten of hearts in your mind or heart, it doesn't mean you cannot have a ten of spades too. and i have learnt that not everyone thinks or feels that way.

once a ten, not always a ten.
there are many reasons why it happens, and it may or may not be (at least in part) your own (un)doing. maybe you're not a ten.
such is life.

"engkau pergi, aku takkan pergi,
kau menjauh, aku takkan jauh,
sebenarnya diriku masih mengharapkanmu."

- menjaga hati, yovie & nuno.

and it's not easy.

blisters.

gosh my feet hurt from my new shoes... note to self: don't wear shoes you haven't broken in yet when you have to give a campus tour! but it was a good first day of iso. =)

sometimes it's hard to blog when you know what you wanna put up would probably have a negative effect on some people who come by. i mean, we all think thoughts that we suppress, even if it's what we really feel, because we think it'll do more harm than good. i always say if there's something you don't want some people to see, the last place you should put it is on your blog. but then again my blog is somewhat cathartic for me, and it's nice to let out what's going on in my mind. and let's face it, sometimes what we suppress is what we really, really, really wanna say. but then we might regret it afterwards. you know?

that was some ramble that didn't actually go anywhere, huh? hehe.

whirlwind.

wow, so it's been a crazy few days since i got back to eugene from malaysia. i feel almost as if it's been too much, too soon... i need to slow down a little to take it all in! i haven't even gotten over my jetlag yet.

one of the reasons why i've been so busy over the past two days is because i've been attending the international student orientation training. it's been fun... i've met a couple of new people, and reunited with a few old friends. iso starts tomorrow, and i'll have a group of 25 to 30 students to lead along with bryan, esh, stephanie and alice. i'm looking forward to it! =)

as much as i wanna spend as much time as i can with my friends, and to keep up with the plans that they have, it's been hard especially since i've had to readjust my internal clock, reacclimatize, unpack, get used to a completely new set of housemates, and integrate into the new group dynamics that have arisen since i left. and i miss home. it's not easy. and so when i decide not to join them for some things i hope they know i'm not doing it to push them away or because i'm distancing myself from them. it's hard to travel halfway round the world and get right with it straightaway. i just need time. don't bust my balls lol.

today was a good day. i slept in and actually felt awake when i woke up (although i was sleepy again a couple of hours later!). jeanelle, a girl from singapore, just moved into the house today. her parents were with her, which is understandable considering she's only 17! since i was planning on taking a walk round campus anyway i decided to ask if they wanted to come, and they did. i showed them round, and then they needed to go open a bank account and buy some stuff so they asked if i wanted to come along. i thought i could help out, so i did, and we went to bank of america, target, mcmenamin's for dinner and prince puckler's for dessert. =)

they are a really loving family, and they remind me of my own family back in malaysia... even though going around with them took up most of my day, i'm glad i did because i remember how bewildered i was when i first got here and how i had barely any idea of how to even begin settling down. i remember other people giving me advice and showing me around, and i'm happy that i could pass the kindness on. i'd more than willingly do it again.

28 hours.

just a quick one to let everyone know i have arrived in eugene safe and sound. =)

it's 4.15am and i have to be up by 7 so we can leave amy's house at 8 so i can drop my stuff off at the ucf house and then be at the iso training session at 9. that should be fun.

no fan tonight!

misadventures.

i didn't get as much sleep on the flights home as i'd hoped i would!on my first flight home from kl to taipei i had a window seat but the wall of the cabin was so far away from my seat that i couldn't lean on the wall without my pillow falling through the gap. =(

and then my flight from taipei to san francisco was delayed by about an hour because of the rain (guess it was a good thing i didn't take the earlier flight from san francisco to portland!). while waiting in the terminal there was this girl who was talking to the guy she was with and laughing really loudly. and when i got on the plane, whaddaya know, she was sitting in the aisle seat of my row. i had the window seat so there was a seat between us, and the guy wasn't with her so i was still optimistic about getting some sleep. but then when everyone had boarded the plane she called the guy over! and the talking and laughing resumed. a lady in front of us actually switched to another seat because she got so annoyed!

when they served our first meal, i asked for a glass of wine and the girl thought it would be funny to ask the air steward if she could have the rest of the bottle (there was about a third left) even though she wasn't planning to drink it. she laughed then turned to me, said "happy birthday!" and put it down on my table. which might've been funny except that it fell and spilt all over my jeans! she didn't even apologize, and it's RED WINE so now i have a purple patch on my jean leg that i have to walk around in until i get to eugene. and i'm not too sure if the stain'll come out! >.< she hogged the armrest too. meh. >.<

anyhow, landing in sfo soon, and then i'm off to portland, and then eugene!

looking back.

i'm back on american soil. or as sean would say, i'm not OCONUS anymore and as i would say, i'm ADELLE (OCONUS apparently stands for outside the continental united states, by the way). the month i spent home was amazing... i'm really glad i got to go back to malaysia. my favorite part of the trip by far was spending time with family and friends. tied in second place are malaysian food and traveling to malacca, langkawi and ipoh. and in third place are clubbing (more specifically the music and dancing) and visiting my old secondary (high) school and college, subang utama and help.

all in all, i think it was a month well-spent. i filled it as best i could, and i'd say i did pretty well. than you to mommy and daddy for giving me the green light to get on the plane, and to anthea for pestering me with many an "akaaa..." and wide-eyed, reproachful stares. thank you to everyone who took time off their busy, busy schedules and put work and friends on hold to make time for me, especially mommy, daddy, anthea and ying (although i had to wake you up more than once! i still appreciate you making the effort. =))

i think one of the biggest things i got out of this trip is, rather ironically, the diminishing of the romanticized notion i had of home. after a few months in eugene with sneezing rain, cold and minimal sunlight ask me again and you'll probably find that the romantic notion has resurrected, but for now, i remember home for what it is. don't get me wrong, i still love home and eugene hasn't overtaken subang in my heart. i doubt it ever will. it's just that for now, the gap is narrowed somewhat.

at this point, i feel that this is a good thing. by letting go of (not forgetting) some of the romantic memories i had of home, i think i'll be able to enjoy my last 9 months or so in eugene more fully. we'll see if the theory holds. =)

when i grow up.

this time last year i had no idea i was gonna be here this time this year, both physically and personally.

i wonder where i'm gonna be this time next year.

i wanna have boobies! lol.

the weepies.

this time last year, i was asleep on a plane. i had gone for dinner with my family the evening before, and stayed up the whole night with some of the people who mattered most to me. my family and my friends had seen me off at the airport with hugs and tears. i wasn't excited or nervous, thanks to my strategy of depriving myself of sleep over the week or so leading up to my departure.

i remember waiting in the hong kong airport with rebecca for our connecting flight. i remember landing in san francisco and realizing that i was supposed to have my i-20 with me - and it was in my luggage that i had checked in. i remember that it was 80 degrees farenheit outside, and i had to convert it to celsius before i knew how cold or warm it was. i remember being picked up at the eugene airport by dick and peggy, my host parents. i remember the room i slept in. and i remember receiving my first phone call.

in a few days last year, i would meet sean jin, my international student orientation leader who arrived late because he had just been sworn in to the navy. i remember his bagpack and him bringing us through the knight library. i remember him trying to help me figure out why i could not get access to the internet from my dorm room yet. later in the week, i would meet bryan (who's still not my friend), adrian and beth at the welcome picnic. i would also go for my first football game at autzen. i remember being invited over to adrian's house for a party and not asking for his phone number, then getting kinda lost but making my way there eventually. i remember playing i never and having lotsa fingers left over. oh, and i remember playing truth or dare jenga! and playing the penis game with yu lin. which sounds a lot more vulgar than it really is lol.

one year ago. six days to go. and the world spins madly on.

ducks in alton baker park, taken at the iso welcome picnic 2007.

too earlyyy...

it is now 6am. i thought we were leaving for mass at 6, but turns out we're only going at 6.15, which means (a) i could've slept for 15 more minutes, and (b) i now have to keep myself awake for the next 15 minutes.

while getting dressed i was suddenly very strongly reminded of waking up at an unearthly hour every weekday to get ready for morning school... the flashback lasted about 5 seconds because i went right back to zombie-mode after, but it was cool.

it is about 26 degrees celsius this morning and i felt cold earlier! that's baaaad. very bad.

one week.

sink or swim.

has it really been more than a week since i last put up a post? time has just been simply speeding by, and already in less than 10 days i'll be back in eugene.

tanjung rhu.

(anthea)ahahahahahahaahahhahahii'mwakaahahaahahaha.


sweat! =.="(/anthea)

i've done a lot since i last blogged... i've celebrated birthdays. i've been to baskin robbins. i've been clubbing. i went down to malacca again and wandered around with anthea, absorbing the history behind the places i went to. i've been to a chiropractor. i've had lunch with mommy. i've hung out with my cousins in kiara, playing badminton and table tennis and taboo and then watching the merdeka fireworks. i've had dim sum and yong tau foo. i've driven! i've played scrabble with my family. i've been to subang parade, where my parents used to take me on really hot days so i could get some relief from the air conditioning there. and i've been to langkawi.

pantai pasir hitam.

langkawi, langkawi. it was... interesting. the first morning i was there i honestly wished i was home. and when it was time to go home i was glad i was going home, because i missed being home. that's really unusual for me because i usually get really excited about trips like these. i guess what i thought i'd get out of the trip was different from what i did get out of it.

waterfall at telaga tujuh.

but does that make it a bad trip? i don't think so. i had fun anyway, especially at the waterfalls and island hopping. i met new people, and for the first time in a long time i didn't hold back because of the knowledge that i probably would have to say goodbye really soon. i got to spend time with val. oh and i taught my fellow malaysians king's cup! aren't you proud of me, american friends? =) i got to see stars on the beach and watch a gorgeous sunset.

val and delle.

more importantly, i had to face what i've been trying to ignore since i got back. it hurt, and it still does. i still haven't come to terms with it and i still don't fully understand it. my heart and my head aren't in sync, and it's usually easier than this for my head to win. i will get over it eventually, but i'm not ready yet. not yet, not yet. not you.

i still want to fight, but when you fight change you've already lost. it's like arthur said at dayang bunting - if you're sinking in water you'll drown if you struggle, but if you relax you'll come back up to the surface naturally. i retorted with "yeah, after you die!".

thinking about it now, i guess all i can do is get tired of struggling, decide to relax, and hope to come up alive.

tanjung rhu.