you're not.

i'm glad the weekend's here. it's been one hectic week, and a tough one at that. feels like i've just been working and working and working and for the first time since i got here i asked myself if all this work was worth it.

i'm also wondering if i'm doing something wrong... why AM i always working? why don't i have things under better control, and why am i not able to make time for other, as important if not more important things? is it because of my subject combination? is it because i'm not planning things out properly? is it because i'm putting too much effort into it? would anyone else in the same situation i'm in be doing as much work as i am, for as much time as i'm doing it?

i'd really like to know the answer to that last question especially, because it's easy for people to judge and say i really don't have that much to do, at least no more than anyone else has and so there isn't any reason why i only have time for work. for them to feel superior for getting all their work done faster and having time for other things.

because i really feel as if i'm doing everything i can... i'm working as fast and as hard as i can.
yeah, so am i doing something wrong? if so, what?

i wanna know, and i wanna know now.
actually, i need to know, and i need to know now.


"if i were you
holding the world right in my hands
the first thing i'd do
is thank the stars above
for the world i love
take a breath and enjoy the view
live the life that i wanna do
if i were you."

-if i were you, hoobastank.

kiasu-ism revisited.

you know the worst thing about kiasu-ism?
sometimes it pays off.

i'm sorry.

i hate the feeling of helplessness death leaves us with.

i've talked about it in an earlier post, but here it is again, staring me in the face.
you wanna do something, you wanna help, you wanna make the pain that you know is gonna hit go away... but.
what on earth can you say? words sound so empty.
it's gonna be okay? he's moved on to a better place? i'm here for you? life goes on?
it's not like those statements aren't true, but it's not like they don't already know.

maybe they need reminding? maybe they don't.
maybe they don't wanna talk about it? maybe they do.
maybe i should be doing more? maybe there's nothing i can do.
maybe there's something i should be doing that i'm just not seeing? maybe i'm just pretending not to see.
maybe i'm just chicken.
maybe i'm just human.

i don't know.

but
it's gonna be okay.
he's moved on to a better place.
life will go on.
we're all here for you.

i'm sorry.

bubbles.

she stands in the playground, in the shadows of the big tree. well, it's not too big, but big enough.
above her its canopy of yellow leaves allows slivers of sunlight through... occasionally a leaf or two flutters down.
below her, woodchips, and more yellow leaves, all slightly damp from the night before.

the sun is shining brightly, a welcome change from the foggy morning...
but it's still cold enough for her to see her breath when she breathes or blows out.
she feels warm though.

the best part of it all, what she loves best - the

bubbles.

bubbles all around her,
bubbles, bubbles everywhere...
floating up into the tree, over the roof, into the clear blue sky...
turning the playground into one of the fairytale lands from "the cave of the golden roses", which she used to watch on tv with her mother.

a land of centaurs, and goblins, and fairies, and
princesses.

they float past her, the bubbles... translucent, delicate, iridescent.
she reaches out to touch a bubble - it's too tempting to resist...
and the bubble is no more.

she just stands there for a while longer, allowing the bubbles to dance past her...
then she reaches out again -
there goes another bubble.

she sees a big bubble within reach... pretty, pretty bubble, perfectly round;
translucent, delicate, iridescent.
but she keeps her hands to herself this time...
no, i'll let it go.

good weekend.

i'm happy with how i spent my weekend. i got sleep, wasn't antisocial, caught up with people back home, got some exercise, did some work, went for mass, did laundry...
all in all a much-needed "break" i think.

if only there wasn't a dark spot to blemish the end... life is fleeting.
stay strong, hold on to your faith... you know you have people here for you, right?

anyway. i saw one of the funniest things ever today! i watched the first part of "zoolander" and the opening scene is of like this huge crowd of people in malaysia celebrating the newly-elected prime minister's decision to increase minimum wage and wipe out child labor once and for all. it was HILARIOUS.
for one, everyone was chinese, even the prime minister (har har.) - they were holding up posters with this chinese-looking man's face on it with jawi-looking slogans.
secondly it looked so ulu! like malaysia in the 40s and 50s. and they referred to malaysia as an "impoverished nation".
and basically the story was about this male fashion model who was being sent on a mission to assassinate the prime minister so that this fashion line could go on using the cheap labor in malaysia to manufacture their clothes.
this movie was made in 2001 okay.
i bet the movie was banned in malaysia.

on a more positive note, at coffee hour i was looking through some of the reading material they have at the mills international center, and i saw like a whole row of books about singapore, and none about malaysia... and i look down and wonders of wonders, i see "lat: stories of a kampung boy".
i was so excited! so malaysia is being represented la, nevermind the fact that singapore has books about tourist destinations there and we have a comic book about what life was like in malaysia in the 50s and 60s. in a kampung. maybe i shouldn't be so hard on zoolander for portraying malaysia the way it did after all. heh.

monday again tomorrow... boo.

"i see the girl i wanna be
riding bareback, carefree
along the shore
if only that someone was me
jumping headfirst, headlong
without a thought
to act and damn the consequence
how i wish it could be that easy"

-wild horses, natasha bedingfield.

yell "O"!

football pictures up on facebook! finally.
decided not to put more of em up here cos i still haven't sorted out my formatting issues lol.
i did it in less than a week! i'm so proud of me =)

http://oregon.facebook.com/album.php?aid=17996&l=b8dfe&id=500922153

dance video!

it's up! check it out and try not to laugh at me too much.

http://oregon.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=529509651366

all styles crew, we did an awesome job! *high five*

ku mohon.

setiap hari ku mohon
agar Kau sentiasa
memberiku ketenangan dalam hati... kekuatan
menempuh segala dugaan yang mencabar ini
pasti punya ertinya...

oh Tuhan terangkan hati dalam sanubariku
untuk menempuhi segala, hidup penuh cabaran ini
oh Tuhan kuberserah segalanya kepadamu
agar jiwaku tenang dengan bimbinganMu selalu...

-ku mohon, sheila majid.

kiasu-ism.

my biggest competition is myself.
i always thought i compared myself to others a lot and that's what pushes me to work so hard, and yeah, that's true to some extent...
but i've realized that even when i do better than others, it might not be good enough for me. even if it's something i haven't done before, even if i had good reason for being "just" good enough.

good thing and bad thing i guess.

good thing because it's gotten me my grades, bad thing because grades aren't everything and i annoy the hell outta myself sometimes with my need to be good at everything.
i'm such a nerd.

like you didn't already know.

home.

i got hit by a wave of homesickness today for no particular reason. maybe it was her blog post, maybe it was talking to my family yesterday, maybe it was his text message, maybe it was the songs i listened to, maybe it was the home-cooked food i had at my host parents' place... i dunno. probably was a combination of all of the above.

at about 5.30pm, on to way to dick and peggy's, i was looking at the tree-covered hills through the windshield, with the sun peeking through, and i was like, 'wow, i'm gonna be here for two years'. it feels like i've been here for a really long time, but it's only been a bit over a month. i think i'll survive eugene... i like it here. but it's not home. the people here aren't the people back home (which isn't a bad thing in the least), nor do i expect them to be. then i wondered, how would it feel to go home after the two years?

will i feel the same excitement and apprehension i felt coming here? how foreign will home seem, paradoxical as that concept is? will i be able to let go of the way things were with people back home, and accept the changes that will inevitably be there? i don't mean letting go of relationships, but being flexible enough to adapt, and still feel as if it's no less special than it was before i left. will they be able to accept that i will probably not be the same me that left? the essence of who i am is still gonna be there; i have no intention of doing away with the adelle you all know. but two years of living in a different country and being immersed in a different culture is bound to change the way i look, the way i eat, the way i talk, the way i think... not entirely, but i think it's gonna be a perceptible change. what then?

with all the stuff i have to do, added to the time difference, it's gonna be interesting to see how many people i can stay connected with. i promise i'll try, but all of you have to know, and i have to know, that it's gotta be a two way thing. it scares me that i have so many emails unreplied, so many emails i wanna send out... i don't want it to be the start of a downward spiral. i promise i'll try.

but. thoughts aside, today was a good day. watched a football game and actually understood what was going on, thanks (and no thanks) to bryan and sean. the ducks beat the cougars 53-7! and then i had a yummy dinner at dick and peggy's, and rounded off the day chilling at sean's with a bunch of people - he had a potluck, but i only joined them after dinner. 'twas fun. tomorrow i'm devoting my day to cognitive development. and sleep.

one thing i've re-realized, as basic as this realization is, is how important meaningful human contact is.
and how important it is to just give yourself a break from pushing all the time.
and how the two can be combined.
putting work aside for play to maintain my emotional well-being is worth the few lost points on an exam or quiz.

photos from the performance and football game on the way. =)

another accomplishment.

haha i just cut my own fringe and i don't look hideous! should've done it earlier... it was getting way too long.
but i didn't wanna run the risk of walking around with a funny haircut and not wanting to pay to get it fixed.
all's well.

can you feel it?

ah the satisfaction of having worked hard at something and then completing it successfully.

i had fun. =)

etc.

titrations were way, way better today. and i got my first chem lab assignment back, which my professor said everyone screwed up - i did loads better than i thought i would. yay =) things're looking up there.

just got back from dance practice - our last one before the "real thing" tomorrow. i'm nervous and excited at the same time! whether i do well or screw up, i'm glad i decided to take this on. it was something outside my comfort zone, but also something i've been wanting to do for a while, so i'm glad to have finally made the move from wanting to do it to actually doing it. keep your fingers crossed for me!

now i have to decide whether to study for my cog dev midterm, read the odyssey, do research for social dev, do my chem homework, start my chem lab assignment, do my reading for my next social dev class, or do this test thing for my internship at the psych lab. so many choices, don't you just envy me? >.<

the leaves are red and brown and yellow and green now. there was this moment at work when we brought the kids to play outside, and i was standing under a tree. the wind blew and these small leaves came fluttering down around me... it was almost magical, really. i don't quite know what about it struck me, but i just stood there for a while, then went back to keeping an eye on the kids with a slight smile on my face. it's so pretty here.

...

i know i've been putting up really random, short posts lately, but bear with me, okay?
anyhow. i just wanted to announce something: you know how i was supposed to get my titration readings last thursday within a 2% relative average deviation? i was at 0.9% at my third reading. and if i remember correctly i was done with my third reading after an hour and a half.

gah.

poor orange.

like an old, shrivelled orange, coarsely sliced in half
then squeezed thoroughly, first the right then the left
until every drop is wrung out, all the pulp, each seed;
then pressed some more, its yield not satisfying.
so it is with my brain, my worn out mind:
drained, dry... but still, i need
juice.

we did epic similes in lit class today.
i'm beat.

thinking.

thinking makes me hungry.
and i have to think a lot.
problem is, thinking doesn't burn nearly as many calories as it should.
=(

life's unfair.

kids rock my socks.

haha i just got off skype with my 5-year-old and 7-year-old cousin, who were visiting subang from malacca... at one point they asked me to come back for christmas and i went, "why don't you come visit me instead?" and then they go, "we can't go in the computer!"

one month.

i've been eugene for exactly a month today.

feeling a bit less like a social retard now, despite the fact that i decided to stay in on a saturday night. it's nice. i'm meeting more people, and finding people i can be comfortable with... people i can be myself with, more or less. i'm having fun, woot. =)

speaking of comfortable, it's always so nice to find someone you can talk to about religion seriously. the person doesn't have to be religious, or doesn't have to even be a theist... just as long as they're open and have their own points of view about it. religion has become such a touchy/taboo topic with so many people nowadays. they don't wanna talk about it, or even think about it. which is their decision to make, and i'm not one to force it on them or anything. but i think it's so important, and has so many far-reaching implications that i simply can't ignore it. i actually kinda have a twisted admiration for the people who can.

anyway.

it was also nice to have a good, long conversation with anthea, daddy and mummy. =)

marionette.

"dancin' little marionette,
are you happy now?"

- when the stars go blue, tyler hilton and bethany joy lenz.

not my fault!

i swear my posts magically expand when i press the "publish post" button.
i never write so much!

some week.

i haven't put up an "update" post in a while huh. and my last few posts have been in more managable chunks lol... maybe i'm getting better at this blogging thing. =) so it's been an insanely hectic week - to everyone who feels neglected by me, you're not the only one, believe me. i have so many unreplied emails, facebook wall messages and blog comments to reply it's probbaly gonna take me a few hours to get through them all. not that it's a chore or anything okay, i love em. and i will get to them! to everyone who's heard that before, i mean it this time! and to everyone who's heard THAT before, sorry. =(

i haven't really been up to much, honestly. my week pretty much consisted of not getting enough sleep, classes, rushing to classes, struggling to keep up with assignments and reading, as well as getting them done just in time (like right before class). i've also been going for dance practices a performance i'm taking part in for the mills international center grand opening, which is gonna be held next friday. i was wondering if i should actually get involved considering i was already swamped and the moves looked pretty hard (they are, too.) but it's coming together pretty well, and i'm glad i stuck to it. hopefully the feeling stays. i need to get something hip hop to wear and i have no idea what lol. oh well, i'll figure it out.

the highlight of the week would probably have to be... doing titrations for 3 hours yesterday. 3 hours! and the worst part is, i could've been done earlier, if only i hadn't made a caulculation mistake. like we had to get a relative average molarity for a sample of sodium hydroxide within 2%, and i think i had it within my first three titrations except by my calculations i thought i didn't. if that makes sense. the annoying part wasn't the titrations themselves, but weighing out 2g of this chemical to the nearest 0.1 MG! even one grain of the stuff made a difference. and i think i had to weigh out like 7 samples total. the stupidest part was when for one of my titrations, i knew roughly when the solution was supposed to start turning pink but i kept going and going and it stayed colorless! i was wondering what on earth was wrong until someone asked me if i had put phenolphtalein in. and i hadn't. lol. second stupidest would have to be when i was doing my fifth and final titration and the teacher assistant said he thought i already had it, but i was panicking and was trying to get my titraton done so i didn't listen and didn't go do my calculations again. funny in hindsight, but not so funny when it was actually happening! exhibit b of why adelle needs her sleep. and guess what? more titrations next week! woot.

kay i should be at coffee hour now, but i needed to get some laundry done so i'm going soon i hope, once it finishes drying. my first social activity for the week! so sad right.

i'm not doing any work tonight. nope.

livin' on a prayer.

"we've got to hold on to what we've got;
it doesn't make a difference
if we make it or not.
we've got each other and that's a lot for love
we'll give it a shot.

oh, we're halfway there
whoa, livin' on a prayer
take my hand, we'll make it, i swear
whoa, livin' on a prayer."

- livin' on a prayer, bon jovi.

significance.

people need to feel significant.

i don't think many people realize that, but think about everything about your life that makes you happy, and more often than not they'll be something that makes you feel significant. whether it's something you do well, people you know, people who know you... all of it makes you feel as if you matter. it's essential to feeling content, satisfied... happy.

nothing like flying across the pacific alone and starting right in the middle to make that realization so poignant, so sharp.

and to feel frustration and pressure on top of that... it's pretty intense, that much i can tell you.
it helps to know you have home - the people there, the recognition there. but, see, the pacific's kinda... big. and wide.
and home's kinda far away.

i want significance here, and i want it now.
or at least i want more.

i sound like a spoilt brat, but this's my blog and i can do what i want. hah.

relief.

i'm amazed and you're the reason why. =)

a lonely september...

... is almost over. except it wasn't all lonely. only sometimes, but in a metaphorical sense.
you know, lonely but not alone.

but yeah, wow, it's october already. like the tenth month of the year.
three more months to 2008.
hehe i didn't really have a point.